Lack of Communication

[JustAskJulie]

I've been thinking about this today as I answer some of the usual email questoins along the same line that we often see posted here on the board... "How do I talk to my partner about swinging", "How do I bring up that I'd like to see her....."

To me the fact that these couples aren't already talking about sexual fantasies openly denotes a lack of communication. Since most everyone here will agree that communication is a major key to a good strong relationship which is a prerequisite to swinging....

Should Couples who can't even talk openly about swinging or can't even bring up the topic, should they even be thinking about swinging to begin with? Don't they have bigger issues they need to deal with first? Or do you think that this desire to work through it and get to the point where they can "bring it up" can help them develop the communication they need to have in order to swing?

[misterbates]

Comunnication IS the key..without it you are doomed to destroy your relationship. If you cant talk openly about your fantasies and desires with you S/O then there is no way you should be swinging...We've seen it so many times ourselves and we read about it everyday on this board....COMUNNICATION PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! talk to each other!!!..Or your heading down a bad road....that will ultimately destroy the realtionship..... soapbox

Mr B facelick

[EvilMJ]

Good question Julie!

I don't necessarily think that people who cannot initally speak of swinging should be excluded from it all together.

Using myself as an example, when we first started into the swinging world I would never have thought I could speak about this openly with my husband. I just didn't want him to feel like he was not enough for me, or that I desired someone else. I was afraid I would hurt his feelings and I was scared that he might somehow think less of me. When you are living outside the lifestyle swinging has such a negative connotation. I could tell my husband my fantasies but I would be scared to ask him to live all them out.

I would have to say that swinging has brought us closer together and made us much much more open with each other. Now I know that I can say I find a particular man attractive (or woman for that matter) and know he will not be jelous or hurt by the comment. We both know that we are committed and love each other and are only in this for fun, not replacements. I think the biggest hurdle is trying to bring the subject up in a positive way that will not hurt your partners feelings or scare them.

[confunktion]

Very interesting situation...should a couple try to jump-start the communication element of their marriage with thoughts about the lifestyle? It can be and has been done, but it really is based on the self-esteem and confidence of those involved. Can the other person handle it? What's the overall level of trust and maturity like? One should know that before bringing up the topic over the breakfast table. To me, it's not so clear-cut, but it sure is an option, one that can work very effectively.

[OhioCouple]

Excellent questions.

Based soley on my experience, I came from the good/girl bad girl sort of environment, which left me very hesitant to express my sexual desires. I don't feel I'm abnormal and I don't think it would be abnormal for the men to look for ways to open up their counterparts sexuality. Nor do I find it odd that women do the same, as I was one. Certainly it can be considered a lack of communication, but if one doesn't know how to communicate their thoughts, or as to how it will be received if they do, then I don't see it as a lacking on either part of the couple to ask questions from those that have been there. I feel that if people reach out to achieve ways to resolve the age-old patterns, then they are communicating, in a way that will help them to communicate better with each other in the future.