Guide to Dealing with Newbies

[JustAskJulie]

The below quote was taken from this thread, which now resides in the archives. Unfortunately, it's an example of the attitude we do take too often towards new folks who come here (both those new to swinging, and those just new here). Sometimes we do need to slow down and try a little harder to put into practice the (hopefully) great communication we have with our partners,and put some of it towards the way we communicate with others. Yes, many times we do need to help someone "back the truck up" so to speak and look at things from a different angle, what is important is how we go about doing so.

Originally Posted by bedmates

This was a newbie that was having high levels of fantasy frustration. This can get to a male when you spend too many hours within XXX and mentally living through fantasies. You can start to think that your wife has all the same thoughts a feelings within her and you need to drag them out. But, in reality she's worried about anything but sex.

What needed to happend here was a brake job. He needed to be slowed down, sat down, and brought back to reality. He needed to know that there is a way to approach this, but forcing it into his plans and timetable is not the way to go about it.

Instead he was beaten up, slapped upside the head, called names, and accused of wanting to do horrible things to the woman he's loved enough to stay married to for 20 years.

When talking to newbies, remember that you aren't talking to peers. In many years of marriage counselling, there were only two cases I can recall where brute force was applicable. In one case I didn't use it, the marriage failed, and I later learned that brute force may have helped. In the second case I used brute force and saved a 5-year marriage.

Finesse is an art. Sometimes you just need to first gain someones confidence, then sit them down, calm them down, talk thing out, then help them change their course.

I think this is a terrific site with many talented, educated, and experienced people that for the most part are concerned for everyone they touch.

Take this in the spirit it was intended - to add to the help. I don't mean it to be critical.

it's amazing what you find when you go digging through the archives looking for something else. I highlighted the section that I thought was most relevant to how we deal with people here. It's easy to get fed up with seeing the same questions (especially this one), but we have to remember to treat each one like it's the first time (because for them it is).

[JustMrJ]

Awesome find Julie... yes, everyone that posts a question here should be treated with the same consideration that we would expect if we were new here or having problems and asked for help.

Listen, listen and listen. In our case here, re-read the original post (OP) quite a number of times and think over how best to respond.

Constructive criticism is always better than berating or bashing. Relate your experiences if they are relevant. Based on the post, point out red flags if you see them. Again, we are here to help each other, like a true community.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by JustMrJ

Listen, listen and listen. In our case here, re-read the original post (OP) quite a number of times and think over how best to respond.

Constructive criticism is always better than berating or bashing. Relate your experiences if they are relevant. Based on the post, point out red flags if you see them. Again, we are here to help each other, like a true community.

Sometimes I find it best to just close the thread and return to it later, when I give a more thought out answer than just my gut response. (Now if I could just do that every time, I'd probably be better off).

Don't you wish you could do that on RL discussions sometimes... just close the window and come back to it when you are ready to deal with it...