What Defines Cheating?

[NotsoNew]

Originally posted by HappyEyeball
For me it's simple. Secrets. Hooking up without your partner's knowledge. It it's out in the open with clear understanding between partners it's not.

Mind you, there still may be fallout and damage from activities *with* partners knowledge, but both people went into it with eyes open.

My .02.

Jeffrey

I agree 100% with HappyEyeball. It is the Secrets. I never hide what I am doing from my husband and expect the same in return. Most of the time when we express some suggestions, we agree it is fine. But if I would happen to find out after the fact that he participated in something that we had not agreed on, I would be angry and consider it cheating.

[pairbond]

For us, cheating would be anything that betrays our trust in each other. So anything we do with the other's full knowledge and consent is NOT cheating. We have even played separately a few times, but that was only with full knowledge and permission, such as when one or the other of us was out of town on business travel and the one at home was offered an opportunity to play. We have even given each other permission to take advantage of an irresistable opportunity if one arises, so long as we tell each other about it as soon as possible afterward. So sometimes playing with others might occur BEFORE the other of us knows about it, but to us that's not cheating either since we gave each other full permission to go ahead. It would only be cheating if we played behind each other's backs.

[rebelnangel]

not being honest and up front with your significent other,hiding things and lieing would be what i term cheating.or if i was told he was hitting on someone,then he lied instead of saying he was.i don't care as long as he is honest and tells me the truth.....

[plazmikgurl]

I didn't have time to read all the posts so sorry if I'm reiterating anyhting. For us cheating has been dicussed thoroughly, while we agreed we both are allowed to pretty much whatever we want with anyone else sexually, the rule is we have to tell what happened as soon as possible afterward or if at all possible before anything happens. This is so that neither of us feels we are being lied to. I am very insecure (childhood issues) so I made lots of rules for my guy if he is with anotherwoman, i.e. no cuddling, no love, no intamacy. Eventually we want to find a another women to be "our" girlfriend, and the rules will probably change then. So I'm guessing that every couple in this kind of lifestyle has their own set of rules, at least I hope that if a couple chooses this lifestyle they are open enough to be able to communicate how they feel it should work. So breaking any of the rules would be cheating to me.

[clutch]

My wife and I only swing together; but we both flirt like crazy...often in physical ways...usually when were around each other, but it's okay if we flirt when separated. However, we know swinging couples that flirting is strictly taboo.

We don't regard ourselves as right and anyone else wrong. It's just our deep, foundational agreements established understandings. If one of us were to change our mind (as sometimes might happen, given a certain situation), we talk it through and if we need to change our minds, attitudes, behavior, etc., we do.

We know several couples that date other people separately--more of the open marriage thing versus swinging. We would not dream of doing this. And yet, it works very well for them.

We don't like anal, but oral is great--our swing partners are just the opposite. Slightly off topic, but it illustrates the point. Couples, as a couple, are the legislative, executive, and judicial to governing their marriage and what works for them.

I would say, dishonesty and/or withholding would be a core issue--not only in relationships and/or swinging, but in any area of a marriage.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by plazmikgurl

I didn't have time to read all the posts so sorry if I'm reiterating anyhting. For us cheating has been dicussed thoroughly, while we agreed we both are allowed to pretty much whatever we want with anyone else sexually, the rule is we have to tell what happened as soon as possible afterward or if at all possible before anything happens. This is so that neither of us feels we are being lied to. I am very insecure (childhood issues) so I made lots of rules for my guy if he is with anotherwoman, i.e. no cuddling, no love, no intamacy. Eventually we want to find a another women to be "our" girlfriend, and the rules will probably change then. So I'm guessing that every couple in this kind of lifestyle has their own set of rules, at least I hope that if a couple chooses this lifestyle they are open enough to be able to communicate how they feel it should work. So breaking any of the rules would be cheating to me.

Yeah, every couple has their own comfort zones. To me, its just important that you tell me beforehand about your rules. With ya'll I honestly would not be able to play with you because without intimacy and kissing I would be stymied and would not know what to do. That gives the other couple or person the opportunity to know that perhaps this is not for them.

[looking2swing]

We are very open and honest with each other. I feel that cheating involves anything that requires a person to be sneaky around the other. Hiding phonecalls, flirting with others and not telling the truth about it, etc. We have to be truthful with each other and talk!! Usually the other person doesn't mind so there is no reason to lie about what you want to do!!