How do I cheat on my wife and make sure I don't bring any STDs home?

[Spoomonkey]

Then maybe I should have added "repeat if necessary". Oh - I did that...

My original point was - and remains - fix what's at home. I really don't care why his marriage is in the shape it's in - he didn't elaborate, I didn't dig...

But - one fact that is obvious - he loves his wife. The implication is that he is considering cheating. I am not sure where you are going with what you're saying, PB, and believe me, I read and enjoy everything you post, but the bottom line is - if he had done what I suggested, he needed to do it again... Not trot off to a swing club a put his marriage in more jeopardy.

If a guy loves his wife and is considering cheating then the only responsible post I could make is "fix the marriage." I'd post it again if a simliar thread comes up.

Anyway - off to Indy...

See you folks tomorrow...

Spoomonkey

[pairbond]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Then maybe I should have added "repeat if necessary". Oh - I did that...

My original point was - and remains - fix what's at home. If a guy loves his wife and is considering cheating then the only responsible post I could make is "fix the marriage." Spoomonkey

Spoo, I went through what, for me, was an excruciatingly painful separation and divorce from my 1st wife. Six months later I joined Parents Without Partners (PWP), where I met 80 people who had gone through divorce. I learned a few things along the way.

1) Some marriages are NOT fixable. No matter how hard a person tries, it takes TWO to make a marriage work. My 1st wife went with me to marriage counseling, but it turned out she only agreed to it so I could get better! As soon as the counselor suggested that SHE had some work to do, she refused to go to counseling again. He later commented to me that "In all my years of practice I have NEVER seen anyone so determined to be unhappy, and I wish I could have explored that with her."

2) People carry around a LOT of baggage from their past - whether from their childhood or 1st marriages. I was surprised how many women at PWP were still carrying around their bitterness years after their divorces, and treated men as if they were ALL responsible. I got tired of hearing about "You men!" to the point that more than once I made the statement that "My name is NOT Everyman, and I didn't do those things to you! And I will NOT be guilty until proven innocent!" Some people just will never get over it and get on with their lives.

Until and unless we can "walk a mile in his shoes," we will never know what jpm's situation is/was. And while cheating is (to me) an unacceptable solution, and certainly not the most constructive tactic, I also know that sometimes people are dealing with so much pain in their lives that they CANNOT do the right thing - at least not at the moment. So they do what they need to do to survive! For example, I know a woman who cannot deal with the failure of her marriage to an alcoholic ne'er-do-well right now, because she lost her only child in an accident, and she is still grieving so that she just doesn't have the strength to deal with her marriage right now.

We just don't know what pains or losses a person is experiencing unless they tell us. And I have learned to withhold judgement on people until I understand the situation and what drives them to do the things they do. jpm probably KNOWS that cheating is not a solution, but it may be that he is desperately grasping for someone to hold him and make him feel wanted and welcome - at least for a few moments, and maybe it's the best he can do right now.

It's also possible that he's a worthless, philandering piece of shit, but who knows? We didn't get enough information from him.

All I'm saying is I wish people wouldn't jump to conclusions, even if it's about a person who is contemplating cheating. It would be far more productive, in my view, to respond with kindness, and to try to steer him to a more productive way to deal with his marriage.

pairbond

[GirlieZ]

Originally Posted by pairbond

All I'm saying is I wish people wouldn't jump to conclusions, even if it's about a person who is contemplating cheating. It would be far more productive, in my view, to respond with kindness, and to try to steer him to a more productive way to deal with his marriage.

pairbond

Which is exactly what Mr. Spoo did!

Zgirl

[Rett]

Frankly, I don't quite understand the number of males that desire more sex than their wives are giving them (according to their reasoning) and use that as a reason to fulfill their wants elsewhere.

The men are married 10 & 20 years and think of cheating. At this point in their relationship isn't it reasonable to believe the male begins to have more performance problems? If that is so , if he treated the wife with more respect, tenderness, care, and true love wouldn't that go a long way in renewing the passion that they once had.
Seems to me women give considerable importance to the emotional aspects in a relationship.

I haven't seen many posts where the women were complaining and looking elsewhere when they love their husbands who are not now performing as they did at twenty-years of age.

[Spoomonkey]

PB

As someone who went through EXACTLY what you are talking about in the arena of divorce, experiencing the break up of something that just wasn't going to work, I have no illusions that all marriages will or can work.

But - I think you are really trying to make a point that is not exactly "begging" to be made.

You stated that we don't know enough about this guy. Fine. But let me point out one fact that he DID bring to the table: He loves his wife and he doesn't want to hurt her as a result of his desperation. So what advice would you give him, based on that? To me it seems obvious... If you really love your wife, then cheating is not the right thing to do.

I don't think character is that flexible, PB. But what do I know - I'm just a talking monkey...

My frustration with your line of reasoning - and I don't mean to sound dense or be offensive in any way - is that no matter how you dissect his circumstances, no matter how you scrutinize his motives, it all comes back to the same thing:

Marriage first, swinging second...

I think the response and reception he received was correct and justifiable - and I can promise you that it is the reception that anyone will receive from me in the future - regardless of how "unfixable" their marriage is. I am sorry if you disagree with this; I hope we can agree to disagree on this point as their are so many other constructive areas where we no doubt see eye to eye. But in my mind, if someone is cheating on their spouse, they do not belong in this lifestyle... And if someone can find room to justify cheating - even as a way of "survival" - I am not sure they truely understand how the lifestyle fits into a happy and healthy marriage.

Spoomonkey

PS - As an aside - on our way home from the meet up last night, Mrs Spoo made the observation of how pretty much all of the couples held hands as we walked from restaurant to bar... To her (and to me) it is a really good picture of how solid healthy "swinger" marriages are. You just don't see that big a group of people being that affectionate. If only all marriages could be this way...

[pairbond]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I hope we can agree to disagree on this point as their are so many other constructive areas where we no doubt see eye to eye.

Spoo - We CAN agree to disagree. And we DO see eye to eye on most things. I just thought your response to jpm was unnecessarily harsh. I totally agree with everyone who posted about cheating having no place in swinging. And I also agree that the vast majority of couples we have met through swinging have better, more caring, and more solid marriages than most people who do NOT swing.

I think that swinging requires a more solid than average marriage in the first place, just to get started. But I also think that swinging brings many couples closer together than they have ever been, through greatly increased communication, better understanding of selves and each other, and even greater trust than ever before. Not to mention the sheer delight of having FUN together.

Anyway, Spoo, I certainly meant no offense to you, and did not intend my comments to be a personal attack upon you. I was just taken aback by the (in my opinion) harsh tone of your response.

Now go fling some more monkey poo, will ya?

pairbond

[OhioCouple]

Originally Posted by jpm2267

I am a married 42 yo male going to Las Vegas on my own next week. I've been married for 20 years to a woman I love dearly but unfortunately her sex drive is quite low. I am thinking about going to the Green Door or a similar club while in Vegas. I want to have fun but do not want to risk my health or bring something back to the one I love. Any advice?

What my response would be to the original posting, based soley on the information given.

jpm, you state that you want to have fun, yet you don't want to risk your health or bring something back to the one you love. You don't say what you mean by having fun. If it is just to be in a sexually charged environment and be a spectator, you'll have no worries about risking your health, (unless of course the establishment doesn't meet health standards in cleanliness) and frankly I see nothing wrong with that. However, if you are seeking to have fun in the form of sexual interaction and gratification with one or more parties, then you open yourself to all sorts of risky situations and then may share them with the one you love. IMO, that is the biggest risk you would be taking if your intentions are the latter, as your relationship with your wife will take a toll in more ways than one. You will constantly worry and harbor guilt, putting an unknown strain in your relationship from your wife's point of view...even if she never finds out. Ultimately it is up to you to decide which risks you are more willing to take. There is a huge difference between thought and action. I can say that there is a doggone good reason that I have an ex-husband...there are some things you just can't get past.

Whatever you did decide, I do hope you chose the less 'riskier' road.

Mrs. O

[HotCoupleGnS]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Why is it always "her sex drive is low"? No men ever come here and say - I am considering stepping out because I can't ever remember flowers on special days or to do the little chores around the house that makes my wife go ga-ga...

The best way to stay safe at any swing club is to do the following:

1. Open your wife's car door the next time you guys go somewhere together.

2. Make that next place you go the grocery store... And insist on pushing the cart...

3. Grab a bag of her favorite candy as you walk by it...

4. Toss it in the cart and smile at her...

5. Repeat the action above with a bottle of wine...

6. Open her car door before you - yes, you by your big-boy self - load the groceries...

7. Carry the groceries in...

8. Help her make dinner while you both share the wine... And if you're not a cook, put the groceries away...

9. Light a candle when she says soup's on... No real reason... Just do it... It's cheesy but it works - the same as it did when you still did silly shit for her without having someone on a swing board tell you to...

10. Make HER dessert... Go down on her in the stairway before you even get to the room...

11. Talk to her after sex - and maybe even laugh a little... And if you really, really want to go to sleep right after sex, just get it up a second time... She likely won't mind then...

12. Repeat this process until you two are happy, horny and talking again...

13. Then - take Slutty Wife's expert advice and take your wife to Vegas...

14. Use condoms...

It's as simple as that! I've done this myself and have stayed disease free... Well - I do have high cholesterol, but safe sex has kept that from my play partners

Spoomonkey

That has to be the sweetest thing I have read on here!

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by pairbond

1) [B]Some marriages are NOT fixable.

This is very true. But if your marriage is broken to that point then it's time to get a divorce and move on.

As I have said many times on here to married guys looking for more than their wives could or would give .... they need to decide what is most important to them.... their marriage or what they want (typically when they come here that is sex and/or swinging).

We aren't here to help married guys cheat!!! SO if his marital problems are so bad they can't be fixed then he needs to leave his marriage and not be a married guy trying to cheat. But as long as he is a married guy and he is looking for sex outside his marriage then he is trying to cheat and that will get him a very cold reception here.

[Rett]

I find absolutely no problem with the way Julie interpreted the post by JPM2267.

Here is a middle age man , who says in his opinion that his wife has a low sex drive (whether it's true or not?) and he indicates an intention to cheat on her while on a trip alone. That in itself is a serious breach to the marriage but, what if he does by chance give his wife some kind of STD that he picked up while cheating. The wife would be a completely innocent victim of both the cheating and the disease he might pass on to her. If he cheats once , how many other times would he do it? He says he loves her????, well his intentions don't imply that.

I think he said just enough to show his real intentions and feelings.

I have to give Julie "many accolades" in her responses to those that indicate intentions to cheat on their partners!

[9nkaty]

Sir,
I dont know your situation,however let me offer this.....

Read the book Sexopedia with your wife. Its very informative and could help the two of you out. I was the one with the low sex drive and "she" ventured out.

One thing that caught my attention was: Women age 52-59 (on average)have little or no sex drive.

Men on the other hand can "more easily have sex with a stranger,or even someone they dont even like and get pleasure from it. But when needing to perform with someone they LOVE, they cant." I found that interesting reading.....JMO but it is a very good book. And if you read it out loud together, you might just be shocked at what it might trigger in her. And YOU.... Good Luck, I just hope you can have a clean heart next time you tell her you love her.