Hiding things and information from your significant other

[nwazscore]

Something is bugging me a little.... and I don't know if I'm being unnecessarily paranoid about this.

My SO and I were living separately when we began swinging and then a few months back we moved in together. Before we moved in, we had separate computers and therefore separate IM accounts and such. I hardly ever used my IM really but I knew my boyfriend chatted a bit with couples we'd met online. I had no problem with this.

When we moved in together, we decided to share one computer and so we also decided to share IM account (which was formerly his) and some other email accounts and such. The first time I signed on to our IM account, I noticed he had some archived chat sessions on there, and out of curiosity, I went in and took a look to see what all they had chatted about. This was in the morning before I went to work. I was a bit surprised, because he had chatted quite a bit with couples and hadn't mentioned even about half of this to me. For instance, we had met up with one couple a few months back and he'd chatted with them several times and never mentioned chatting with them to me. I noticed that he had spent a great deal of time chatting one day when he was supposed to be working on a project at home, and I sent an email to him playfully teasing him about it. He didn't seem upset or unnerved about any of this. Well, when I talked to him later, he mentioned that he'd gone home for lunch. He works quite a distance from our home, so he NEVER goes home for lunch out of the blue like that. When I got off work, I signed again onto the IM and noticed that all of the archived messages had been totally deleted.

Later, I came across pictures he'd taken of himself nude that he'd never shown me. I also came across a disk with pictures of a woman in a couple we'd played with once as well as pictures of the house where she and her husband live. He had never shown me these pictures, had never mentioned them.

I guess the thing that bugs me is the secretive attitude about some of this stuff. Rushing home from work at lunchtime to delete archived messages or not telling me about some of the stuff he's chatted about or some of the couples he's chatted with or not showing me pics or messages he'd received. I just feel that I've told him about every message I've received, every chat I've had, and shown him every picture I've taken/received etc. and I'd expect him to behave the same way towards me.

Am I being paranoid? Or does this behavior strike anyone else as odd?

[jcbicouple]

Trust your instincts.

[Handyman69]

Hi, I'm married to my SO but it still applies. We share all corresponces pertaining to other couples...or singles.....with each other. Our IM is set up to save all chats in our archives. If he is in fact hiding this from you it is bordering on CHEATING........you decide if this is the way you want to live,
John

[Vjklander]

We are married and have each others passwords. We often share files and chats and pics. But I have noticed that a lot of guys are embarrassed about their sexuality. Like, most men are way embarrassed to be caught masturbating, even by their wife. Go figger.
J

[hfire269]

We are married and we each know each others ids and passwords for everything. That and we talk to each other about everything. I have to agree with Handyman69. Your SO doesnt seem to be very trustworthy. I would set him down asap and put everything on the table. Let no stone unturned and find out excalty whats going on. Also anything that is suspisous (the pics and chats) I would save to a disk and put it in a safe place for proof.
Good luck
Hfire269 (female half)

[ga_cpl_frknit]

I would have to say, trust your instincts. Rarely are you wrong when your gut tells you something is up.

Like the other couples, Stacey and I know each others e-mail addresses, IM messenger service ID's and all appropriate passwords. We archive all messages and will check them on occasion. He may read something I say and not particularly like what I've had to say and vice-versa, but....that's another story.

~Tracy~

[ga_cpl_frknit]

Originally posted by Vjklander
Like, most men are way embarrassed to be caught masturbating, even by their wife. Go figger.
J

LOL, Stacey's never been embarrassed about getting "caught" (not that he ever tries to hide it ) except ONE time when I had been gone all day with a non-swinging friend and he had the house to himself (while the cat's away, the mouse DID play!) He ALMOST got caught as she and I walked in the door about 2 1/2 hours earlier than he'd anticipated. He quickly wrapped himself in the blanket and ran off to the bedroom claiming he was"tired" (well no kidding!)

Otherwise we are mighty open about things.

~Tracy~

[4Beauty2C]

Hub and I when we first started swinging a few years ago decided we were better off being a team. We had one e-mail address made for swinging only. We took each others pics and we share pics that are sent to us. When we talk to a couple online we save the chat we did and discuss how we felt while talking to the couple online.

Having an open communication line with your spouse is a must when it comes to swinging.

[ga_cpl_frknit]

EXACTLY!!!!! 4beauty2c

Stacey & Tracy

[BiCoupleTN69]

We discuss everything before we send replys or pictures. It's cheating if you do not.

[RMRx2]

Originally posted by nwazscore
Something is bugging me a little.... and I don't know if I'm being unnecessarily paranoid about this.

Am I being paranoid? Or does this behavior strike anyone else as odd?

while I agree with folks advice to trust your instincts, there is another possibility

one mention was of a persons embarsments over thier sexuality, and I could take that a bit farther

you don't say how long you were together before the subject of swinging came up and much about his single years and if you shared "sexual history"

meeting you, caring for you, and not wanting you to think badly of him, he may not have disclosed this swinging history with you prior to you two becoming involved in the lifestyle. I can't imagine sharing that with my so in the early days,,,,,,,somethings omitted may have even had to be carried a bit farther and he may have felt it necessary to deny any activity like that along the way,,,,fearing your reaction to it. Now he may be fearing and feeling worse about not disclosing accurately his history than what he has actually practiced in the past. lies and deception,,,,well maybe,,,,but certainly understandable

two examples; the thread on bi-sexuality in males,,,,,,,,someone posts that for years their hubby had fantasy about being sexual with another man,,,,,,,mrs. says she wished she had known although taken back a minute by it,,,,,at what point in thier relationship did this become easy enough for him to discuss,,,,,,would she have always reacted as favorably?. a woman has bi-sexual encounters in drunken state in college and enjoyed it, but for whatever reason has a good deal of guilt over it,,,,,myabe she said she never did such a thing,,,,,fearing the lie worse than what actually happened,,,,,,how does she take it back? There could be many things people don't disclose about themselves in the begining.

One of my favorite songs is one called "Ugly Side" in it the lyrics say " I only want you to see my favorite parts of me, and not my ugly side" What someone see's as thier ugly side, might not have been that big of deal to you,,,but how do they know that in the begining?

This is one positive aspect of the board, and folks exploring the lifestyle together, even if they "opt out",,,,,it opens up last bastons of communication over actions, fantasy, past, and beliefs that many don't disclose once a relationship begins to be highly valued for fear of hurt or loss.

Create a positive enviorment for discussion, have an open mind, and give him a safe place to talk to you about anything,,,,,and he might surprise you and eleviate all of your concerns, I dono,,,,,too many unknowns,,,,,but see if this helps

the rmrx2's

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by jcbicouple
Trust your instincts.

Dito

[omneesx]

We definately encourage you to talk to your SO. Ask all those questions which will give you the information that you willingly gave him. Your openness about your past experiences may have given him the impression that those things were trivial to you and his reaction would be considered normal if he thought you might react negatively.
Are you sure he purposely deleted the files? Most chat archives can be set to be deleted after a number of days much like temporary internet files.
Did you ever directly ask him if he had previously chatted with the couple before you met them? If only one of us has info on a potential partner a brief is usually instigated by the other such as, "Who are these people again and how did you meet them?"

Next time if you have a concern like this, speak to him before you post here. Communication is absolutely the key.
A & L

[b_and_sc]

the one thing I've learned in this way of life is that you have to trust your instincts and have open communication with your spouse...


bon

[nwazscore]

Well, I was the one who started the thread, so I thought I'd post an update. I did confront my SO about all of this stuff.

The pics of him he said were taken back when he and his ex flirted with swinging and he said he has never sent them to anyone while he and I have been together. He said the pics from the lady in the other couple we'd been with were emailed to him back when we were living separately. He said he saved them to disc for the purpose of showing me and thought he had. He swore that nothing else was going on, and he said he did not delete the chats to upset me (but didn't really offer an explanation as to why he did it).

He did sound sincere when I talked to him and did not try to evade any subject. But I still feel a little like I'm on shaky ground... so for now we're going to take it easy with the swinging lifestyle and concentrate more on each other.

(Oh, and I now have access to all emails/messengers/etc.)

Take care....