Playing with cheaters

[akamgaxoxo]

We would not play with cheaters either, whether they are male or female. I the F half, was also a horrible cheater in my early 20's and I can say that the experience alone has changed me. Sometimes that quote from ES about "Once a cheater always a cheater" can ring true, however not for me. And I see in another post here that others have learned from their mistakes as well!
It would make me feel totally awful to know that I was contributing to any drama in a cpls life, been there and done that and I don't expect any of that in my relationship and would hope that my friends feel the same.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by woodyxyz

Ask yourself, "what would I do if my mate suddenly stopped swinging?"

I'd stop swinging...

Spoomonkey

[good times]

Dito Spoomonkey, When my wife quits, I quit.

[hotblonde47]

Hubby and I got caught out with this one when we found out that a couple we met were actually just lovers and she was married. We have made a rule that works for us ... we enjoy this, we don't want to hurt anyone else with what we do. We just figure we will only play with couples if both partners are aware and OK with it. Anything else is a disaster looking to happen and where we may not have caused it, we could certainly contribute to it, we don't want to go there.

[stoutgatte]

Hmmm, wouldn't play with a cheater. There are enough complications that arise in normal swinging situations, why add a 3rd party with personal issues to the mix?

[Vince415]

Hi All,

When we first started "playing" in SF, (looking for a MMF) after a few not so good stalker types...(who had nothing better than to call her at all hours and try to meet with her seperately.) We both considered a nice guy who flew in one a month (flight attendant). He was up front and told us right a away that he was married. This was a red flag at first so we put him at the end of the line, but as time went by and our other prospects turned out to be more and more slimey, we came back to him. He had been totally respectful and understanding even though we told him we weren't sure about the married thing.

We talked it over and decided to meet with him. At the time Cyn and I considered the fact that he would have more to protect than a single guy and would not try to "rock the boat". In hindsight we were both also very anxious to live out our fantasies (little cyn and vince were in the driver's seat!!!)

We all had a great time and met with him a few more times. We spent some time getting to know him personally and he confessed that he had been feeling exteremely guilty. After a long talk we all decided that it would be best to part company... Looking back it was not a very good decision (we both admit), but he did turn out to be a good guy who ended up telling his wife the truth... and opening up the lines of communication.

We both agreed that it was not worth the feeling 's of guilt... so no more after that. Cyn later admitted that in a twisted way the fantasy excited her a bit though being very sub.

Well hope this doesn't get too much flame Surrender ... just being honest... and we learned our lesson!

(in a side note his wife and him are now swingers- she was doing the same thing while he was away :rollseyes

Vince

[xxoticangel]

We would not consciously play with a cheating male. That isn't to say we haven't but we always ask and will not play if they say "Yes". Statistly at least a couple of the single men we have been with were married or in LTRs but we don't KNOW that. We have been with married men with wife's permission but thats a different situation.

As for single women? In a perfect world the same rules would apply but this world ain't perfect. Any attractive single woman, married or not, that expressed a desire would probably end up in our bed. When we attended a club there were always one or two women that we knew to be married that would be in attendence with their SO. One episode stands out when a married woman's husband was away on business. She was intoxicated and generally being an obnixious pain but ended up doing a gangband in one of the private rooms. I don't know how many guys/girls she was with that night but the door was open and there were always several people there watching and/or playing.

[Greg & Sheryl]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

There is a difference because single women are hard to come by (from what I've heard ; ) and men are dogs... I'd like to say that in the future I will stick to my guns on that issue, but I realize that the chance certainly exists that an attractive female (single or married) would probably be welcome to play. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak - I suppose.

We can relate to this double standard because we’ve been guilty of it, ourselves. Several months ago, based on the recommendation of a close friend, we tried to hook up with a bisexual female who was cheating on her husband. She is a woman about 50 years old with a very strong sex drive, but her husband has completely lost interest in sex. Thus, she always has to come up with a good cover story for her husband every time she wants to get away and get naughty.

While we do almost all of our swinging on Saturday nights, she is primarily available on weekday afternoons while her husband is at work, so it was a challenge for her to find the time to meet us. Out of the three meetings we eventually scheduled, once she was 30 minutes late, and twice she had to cancel at the last minute. Eventually we gave up on her. Part of the problem was that her husband is a former military cop. He had caught her cheating once before, so he was very suspicious of her. If he had ever caught her with us, who knows how he might have reacted?

Based on this experience, it’s unlikely that we will ever swing with a cheater again. A lot of swingers won’t play with cheaters for moral reasons, but for us, we simply want to avoid the inevitable drama that occurs when you get caught up in a situation like that.

[lauriern]

Maybe its as simple as supply and demand. Single women are so rare so that whether is truly single or, married and cheating, it's irrelevant. Where as cheating men are so common.
But seriously, as someone above pointed out, swinging is so complicated anyway that introducing an injuried spouse into the picture is asking for trouble. What gets us is the number of married men who say they are swinging with their wife's permission because a) she has an illness and can't fuck anymore or b) his sex drive is just so damn strong she can't satisfy it, or c) she is just so open minded. But when you ask to speak to said spouse to confirm this arrangement they seem to disappear. On the other hand we know couples who play almost exclusively with cheating males because they feel they have more to lose if they get caught and are less likely to have an STD.

[ore_cpl4fun]

Ok, just our two cents here, but we’d never knowingly play with someone who was trying to get us to help him or her cheat. We agree with the general sentiment that swinging is a shared experience that involves trust and openness. Cheating, by definition, is the antithesis of open and trusting.

Now, with that said, if someone has cheated in the past, but they and their partner are now (in the present) in a seemingly healthy place and playing together, with each other’s consent and enthusiasm, who are we to make value judgments about their relationship? We’re not psychologists or marriage counselors, and frankly we avoid drama like the plague, lol. We’re here to have fun, and we’re far more likely to avoid someone who tried to tell us “dirty laundry” about another couple, than the couple in question.

But hey, this is just us our perspective. We’re also bright enough people to acknowledge that there are no absolutes, and our opinion isn’t “right,” it’s just our point of view.

Great Topic!

DnA

[invisibletouch]

Having been cheated on for 7 1/2 yrs, I can't bring myself to play with any man who is cheating. I never denied my husband sex, attention or affection-he just wanted in his own words "something different". He told me he had told this woman he was denied at home so she'd feel sorry for him! So when a person wants to cheat they will find a good excuse to tell the new partner to get what they want. Just my opinion coming from my own experiences.
So no, as much as some of the guys appeal to me-the 'oh man give me strength type guys', I can't justify possibly causing that kind of pain to someone else. .

[JustAskJulie]

I find it interesting that while the majority says they won't play with cheaters at all... there is definately a larger proportion that will play with married cheating WOMEN than men.

[sweet_tna]

Gender doesn't matter to me here. I/we wouldn't play with anyone we knew or even suspected was cheating.

=)

[redgirlwithfrec]

Same here sweet. On Swing Lifestyle we have been contacted by at least 3 couples in the last year that it turned out they were a couple that was both married but not to each other. Im sorry but neither one of us agree with cheating for any reason. Thats why we swing so we can do it together. There is no hiding anything from each other and thats what we would expect from our playmates.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by redgirlwithfrec

On Swing Lifestyle we have been contacted by at least 3 couples in the last year that it turned out they were a couple that was both married but not to each other.

We had this happen at the club once. The timing was awful since we assumed they were married and they slipped after we had all pretty much decided to go upstairs.

"His wife has no idea," the woman said. "And my husband would totally shit a brick."

This was while Mrs Spoo was in the ladies room and the husband was getting another drink.

Needless to say, I had to be very honest with our change of heart.

I think the difference between playing with cheating men and cheating women, while both something we would not do, is simply a matter of supply and demand. Attractive single women at our club are so rare that I think a lot of people would bend the rules to realize that fantasy - while single men as so plentiful that it is easier to stand fast.

Doesn't make it right - but I am sure that is the reason.

Spoomonkey