Playing with cheaters

[shoreguy]

I wasn't thinking of this when I started the poll, but we once discussed the topic about one particular woman. We think she's bi, and we know she cheated on her husband with another man. It would be tempting, but we'd stay away from a threesome. I'd like to think that the fact that her husband is a cop and therefore has ready access to weapons is not the only reason. The two of them alone was a possibility. Even before swinging she could have sex with any women she wanted to. We don't consider that cheating. However, I'd imagine a lot of couples wouldn't agree with us on that one.

Since swinging, we have discussed it a bit. We just don't think it's fair to the other spouse, and frankly we wouldn't want to be in the middle with any violence, possible court appearances in a divorce, etc.

As to being in love with someone who "found religion" and won't give you sex: people who are in love do get divorced. There's more to a marriage than love. Maybe it's better to be up front about it and mutually divorce rather than get found out, and have them divorce you, get labelled as a cheater and possibly get the shorter end of the stick in the settlement. But I guess that's a personal decision.

People cheat. Flesh is weak and mistakes happen. Alcohol certainly doesn't help. Once you make the decision to go outside of your marriage for sex you've institutionalized it and made it a way of life. It's a big difference.

[Alura]

Originally posted by Spoomonkey
I mean, extramarital sex is a part of this lifestyle.

Spoomonkey

I respectfully disagree with this statement, Spoomonkey. Take a look at the results of the survey. Extramarital sex is rare, indeed. In my opinion, the word that bests describes the swinging lifestyle is "intermarital" sex, or "sex among marriages."

Mr. Alura

[RMRx2]

always amazes me, the number of folks who will have sex with someone "stepping out" and is married or cheat themselves,,,,,,,,,,without a thought or doubt that thier significant other would never do such

if lines are flexible, don't be surprised who bends them next

rmrx2

[Spoomonkey]

Mr. Alura

I have never heard that term... Imagine that... You are correct, I guess, but my point was simply that part of swinging means having sex with someone other than your spouse. Consent doesn't make it any less "extra". But, I see your point and appreciate your semantic correction.

Then again, I may never acclimate myself to the term as I've never been able to figure out "inter" and "intra"... As in Intramural and Interstate... Confusing crap... I should have spent more of my college career sober

Spoomonkey

[shoreguy]

Cool, "intermarital sex". I think it's just been coined, but I really like it! I'm not even sure the consent part makes it inter vs extra. Would sex with other people in an open marriage be inter or extra? Perhaps Mr. Alura gets to decide since it's his word.

Spoo: I think the easiest way to remember the difference is the two examples you just gave. Intramural sports were within the same school. Interstate highways cross state lines...

[Alura]

Yes, Shoreguy, I coined the word. I'm glad you thing it's cool. So do I. Here's how I arrived at the term, intermarital.

Inter- is a combining form meaning "between or among." For example, "Intercollegiate" means "between colleges." So "intercollegiate sports" are sports played between colleges.

Therefore, "Intermarital sex" means "sex between (or among) marriages." That's what swingers do, for the most part.

Intra- is a combining form meaning "on the inside or within." Thus, "Intramarital sex" would mean sex within a marriage, or monogamy.

Extra- is a combining form meaning "not coming within its scope." So, "extramarital sex" is sex not within the scope of marriage, or cheating.

The three terms have decidedly different meanings.

Mr. Alura

[melaswen]

Great Poll. Pardon me for being new, but here are a few thoughts if you care to read them. A number of responses state they disaprove or would not play with a married cheater. "However, there was the one time that..." Most people justify everything the do that we should not and fortunatly our tresspasses are nowhere near as bad as other peoples...lol. Many of our responses are based on morality and what we have learned from past teachings and experiences. Have you ever noticed that almost every sect of society has its dregs? The people that looked down on? In the swinging lifestyle the dregs seem to be cheating males and single males. If you think about it, some of these people are doing the same thing that you are, trying to enjoy life to the fullest. Odd dont you think, that swingers are condemned by non-swingers can so easily find someone to point the bony finger of indignation towords. You dont have to swing with them, but cut them some slack, dont be rude, be nice. They are looking for the same thing that you are.

thanks for taking the time to read.

[yawanna]

Is it still considered swinging when a couple is separated and attending events as singles?

just wondering......

[Spoomonkey]

Alura

To steal from a Guiness commercial... "Brilliant!" Thanks for explaining. It is the perfect term for what we are talking about, and I think I finally figured out the difference between inter- and intra-...

And I don't have any more college debt hanging over me for it!!

Brilliant!

As for Melaswen's post - I appreciate what you are saying, but think you miss a major part of the "cheater" equation; the one being cheated on. Now, Shaheena has done a great job of pointing out that we need to be aware that some folks cheat for reasons other than just being scum - and while it may, in fact, be a theorectical "kindness" to screw these fellas back to happy-ville, thus helping preserve their marriages - this isn't always, or even often the case, IMHO. When someone cheats there is neccessarily someone else involved - the one being cheated on.

You're right - it does go back to things we've learned or been taught - in this case, "do unto others..." I wouldn't want Mrs. Spoomonkey playing around - if we had a problem, I would want to deal with it together. Someone cheating with her would take away my right to do that...

A single man is only maligned when he forgets his place as - to use another brilliant phrase from this board - "stunt cock." But for the most part, if a couple is into single men, they will play with them. It just makes sense to swing with someone who doesn't have issues that should be dealt with at home.

What I have noticed about many couples in the lifestyle (not all, mind you) is that they are very happily married - could easily drop out of the lifestyle and be very happy with their spouse - talk with each other about everything and aren't looking for anything in the lifestyle other than shared experiences with their soulmate. Most people like this aren't going to relate to a cheater - it is tough enough to relate to a single male.

It really isn't the case of "picking on the dregs." And I doubt we are all really looking for the same thing. There are issues that are intensely personal, moral and ethical - and while each couple/person is going to define those things for themselves - each couple/person would be wise to stick tight to any convictions they have that will help them navigate the wild world that swinging can be.

Just a thought

Spoomonkey

[Alura]

Excellent well-written post with many in-depth thoughts, Spoomonkey! We think "Intermarital sex" is a very good term because it excludes everything except two (or more) couples playing together.

And, Melaswen, the cheaters (both male and female) and the single people are not looking for the same thing we are. We're looking for fun experiences to share with our spouses. The "dregs" as you call them, are in no way even capable of that. And if a married man leaves his wife at home and plays without telling her, there's no way he can even understand intermarital sex, much less be "looking for the same thing."

Mr. Alura

[Alura]

Originally posted by yawanna
Is it still considered swinging when a couple is separated and attending events as singles?

just wondering......

I don't think "swinging" has ever been adequately defined, Yawanna. It may be "swinging" but it shore ain't "Intermarital sex."

Mr. Alura

[Alura]

Originally posted by shoreguy
I'm not even sure the consent part makes it inter vs extra. Would sex with other people in an open marriage be inter or extra? Perhaps Mr. Alura gets to decide since it's his word.

Okay. I'll decide. It's not "consent" so much as the act of doing it together and with another couple that makes it "intermarital sex." Sex without your spouse involved would not qualify. Therefore, sex under the auspices of an "open marriage" would still be extramarital, "sex outside the union."

Mr. Alura

[omneesx]

One of the main reasons that we don't play with cheaters is purely selfish. We have no desire to become involved in someone else's domestic drama. If there are going to be fights and screaming and hurt feelings, we don't want to be involved in any way. We don't need some enraged spouse banging on our door. And our whole motivation for even being in this lifestyle is to "spread the love" and celebrate something positive. For this to happen, everyone concerned needs to at least be informed and be OK with it. Otherwise, the potential for ugliness and general bad karma is too great. The negativity of deception just isn't what we're about. I guess we're just not that horny.

A&L

[SKPLD]

Originally posted by yawanna
Is it still considered swinging when a couple is separated and attending events as singles?

just wondering......

Well yawanna depends if the couple is married or they are single and broke up , it is two different things.
Dating it's not cheating but married maybe depends on their personal rules and probably none of our business.

[PlayCplCanada]

Cheating is cheating whether it be a married female or male. The same result will be had and that is someone is going to be hurt and devastated. Why do people cheat , some say lack of self esteem and others say boredom , we say stupidity. Why cheat if you have a great spouse ? We have seen many cheaters in the lifestyle and we just can't understand why. Swinging is generally about Couples but have it's branches of bifemales , single males etc. There is absolutely no excuse to cheat.