I walked in on my Husband Kissing the girl we sometimes have threesome

[Terrileex]

What do you Think? I walked in on my Husband ( of 10 years) Kissing the girl we sometimes have threesomes with. There were other people in our home and these two just got left alone for a minute in the kitchen. He says she kissed him and really doesnt seem to think there was anything wrong. I don't think I would have never known about it if I didn t walk in on it. I fell it is the same as cheating or going behind my back. I am upset and we have talked alot about this and it is almost like I am takeing it to hard, I fell I have been cheated on. And not sure I could trust them alone, and wonder what else has happen ( he says nothing) when I m not looking.What do you think.

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by Terrileex
What do you Think? I walked in on my Husband ( of 10 years) Kissing the girl we sometimes have threesomes with. There were other people in our home and these two just got left alone for a minute in the kitchen. He says she kissed him and really doesnt seem to think there was anything wrong. I don't think I would have never known about it if I didn t walk in on it. I fell it is the same as cheating or going behind my back. I am upset and we have talked alot about this and it is almost like I am takeing it to hard, I fell I have been cheated on. And not sure I could trust them alone, and wonder what else has happen ( he says nothing) when I m not looking.What do you think.

I think that you didn't have an agreement first. Hey, if you discussed it first hes guilty of a high misdemeanor and should do at least probation. If you didn't discuss it then now you did and I'd let it go.

John

[Flori_DAMAN]

To follow that up. THere is no way I would kiss a swinger behind her hubby's back without ALL of us agreeing that that is acceptable. Thats just me though.

John

[Terrileex]

Thanks for your input and yes I have told him I don t like him to kiss her.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by Terrileex
What do you Think? I walked in on my Husband ( of 10 years) Kissing the girl we sometimes have threesomes with. There were other people in our home and these two just got left alone for a minute in the kitchen. He says she kissed him and really doesnt seem to think there was anything wrong. I don't think I would have never known about it if I didn t walk in on it. I fell it is the same as cheating or going behind my back. I am upset and we have talked alot about this and it is almost like I am takeing it to hard, I fell I have been cheated on. And not sure I could trust them alone, and wonder what else has happen ( he says nothing) when I m not looking.What do you think.

Hi Terrileex. You said there were other people in your home. Were these other people swingers? Was this a swinger's party? Was swinging planned for the evening with this girl?

If the answers to those questions are yes, I probably would not think too much of it. However, if it bothered me, I would certainly talk to him about it, explaining how it made me feel. This is one of those situations where he needs to try to understand your feelings and accommodate your comfort level needs.

As for this girl kissing him. That's always a sad excuse as far as I'm concerned. She may have tried to kiss him, but he could have always said "no." I never buy those types of excuses and they only serve to irritate me further.

Now, if the answers to my question are no, that, changes the entire situation, in my opinion, but it really doesn't change the actions that I would take. Once again, I would have a serious heart-to-heart with him, explaining the way I felt about the situation. Ya'll may need to focus a bit more on the communication aspects of your relationship, as well as the establishment of new or revised rules.

I do like John's idea, tho', about the "probation" if it was a "high misdemeanor" (admitting that I've never heard it placed in those terms ). Talk it out, discuss the issues, find the resolution you can both be happy with and live with. After that, "let it go." Since ya'll have swung with this girl, he may very well have not realized the effect his kissing her would have on you.

Let us know how things work out. - EBF

[Terrileex]

Thanks for your reply :0 ). NO This was not a swing party and there was not any plan to swing that night. I think what bother me the most is the felling of sneaking. Thank god none of my other guess walked in. As far as talking we talk all the time and that has never been a problem. We talked for hours after it happen. And it came down to me felling like i have been cheated on and him saying I was making a big deal out of it.

[yawanna]

How about this situation:

My husband and I have a single bi female friend we met via swinger activities. We have not all been intimate together,, it might be a possibility in the future, and we consider ourselves all good friends.

When she calls and my husband answers the phone, he has called her 'baby' and 'darlin'. These are his pet names for me. I didn't say anything the first time, but I did the second time. As soon as I broached the topic, he said he knew the second the endearment came out of his mouth, it was wrong.

We both like her very much as a friend and we tend to use endearments often, but calling her what he calls me crosses a line for both of us. We agreed that he can call her 'sexy', as in 'hey sexy! how are ya?'.

[OhioCouple]

What kind of kiss was this? A deep prolonged passionate tongue on tongue type kiss or a peck on the cheek, or lips? One that leads you to the bedroom? What was the body language? Was he being sneaky about it?

I truly have no problem with my husband kissing our swing partners if there is a given moment to do so, even if it is in the surroundings of non-lifestyle friends. After all, we have all shared ourselves on multiple occasions. Now if he were to do that with someone that we had never shared sexual pleasures with, or had been involved to some degree in swinging, I'd be highly upset.

Could it be that you are feeling this way because she is a single female? (I am assuming she is single) And perhaps she poses a threat to your relationship, in your mind?

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by Terrileex
Thanks for your reply :0 ). NO This was not a swing party and there was not any plan to swing that night. I think what bother me the most is the felling of sneaking. Thank god none of my other guess walked in. As far as talking we talk all the time and that has never been a problem. We talked for hours after it happen. And it came down to me felling like i have been cheated on and him saying I was making a big deal out of it.

The situation is clearer now, knowing this was not a planned swinging event. I can certainly understand how you feel deceived. I don't believe any of us can really tell you what to do, not knowing all the details. I will say, tho', that my days of swinging with that particular girl would have ended that night. She deceived you as much as your husband did. I started to say even more, but that isn't fair. However, when ya'll brought her into your lives, you put a great amount of trust in her. They both violated your trust - equally.

It sounds like ya'll are doing all the right things by discussing the situation. And maybe he really does think you are making a bigger deal out of it than you should, and there is a small part of me that understands that. Maybe, from the male viewpoint, he thought little of it since she was already a swing partner. I really believe men and women look at things differently sometimes. But he needs to understand that it is a big deal to you and right now, your feelings about the incident are the most important.

All I can tell you is to keep the lines of communication wide open - probably more so now than at any other time. Ya'll have 10 years invested in a relationship and you both need to do all you can to salvage it. That is going to require some tough decisions from both of you as well as a great deal of understanding. As much as you can, try to sit back, take some deep breaths, and keep your emotions under control. Tough assignment, I know. But if you can do that, you are in a much better position to talk rationally and without accusations flying back and forth. That type of thing never helps a situation. I would definitely take a break from any swinging activities just now.

I bet before long someone else will pop on with some better advice for you. Hang tough. -EBF

[Vjklander]

Basically, once we have shared pleasures with someone, we can do whatever we want whenever we want with them. But if we do, we make sure to tell the other all about the juicy details. I call all wimmen darlin, but only MrsVjk 'darling'. A subtle difference to be sure, but noticeable. We really don't have a problem with the other doing whatever we want, but would never sneak something. If I walked into the kitchen, I'd much more expect to catch her giving a BJ than a kiss.
J

[windsor4fun2]

From what information you have given us I think you may be making more of it than necessary.

If it was a long passionate kiss or they snuck in to the kitchen for a quick grope it might be a reason to get upset. If it is a situation that hasn't come up or been discussed before he may not have realized it would upset you. He may not have thought it a big deal.

You have been together 10 years. Unless he has given you other reason for you to doubt him I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Now that he is aware of you feelings it should not happen again.

Jesse

[NotsoNew]

I would not be too upset by a kiss - especially if it was with someone we played with before.

Since you talked to him and let him know your comfort level, hope all will be good!

[thump29]

This ha happened to us before, but we have a agreement with each other that if there are other people around that are non-swingers that neither of us does anything. Did the two of them just end up alone or did they plan for it to happen?

I think communication is the most important thing and their should be some ground rules set that neither of you break. Talk with your husband and let him know exactly why you think he was wrong he probably didnt think there was anything wrong with kissing her or letting her kiss him. One thing is to let the female know how u feel she probably didnt realize it would upset you.

Good luck and I hope this helps you out!

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by thump29
This ha happened to us before, but we have a agreement with each other that if there are other people around that are non-swingers that neither of us does anything. Did the two of them just end up alone or did they plan for it to happen?

I think communication is the most important thing and their should be some ground rules set that neither of you break. Talk with your husband and let him know exactly why you think he was wrong he probably didnt think there was anything wrong with kissing her or letting her kiss him. One thing is to let the female know how u feel she probably didnt realize it would upset you.

Good luck and I hope this helps you out!

Im glad you responded Mrs Thump. What it brought my mind to was that after we had our first encounter I asked you specifically if your hubby would mind if we kissed during our playtime. You said "no way". That meant to me that WHILE we were together it was an OK. Now for me to try to make out with you when he wasn't round would be out of bounds for me. Sensitivity is a big part of swinging. Kissing is an intimate act and swinging is too. BUt it is one to be shared. That was why I called it a small crime. I cannot possibly expect everyone to draw the line where I do, but once the boundary is passed assuming everyone doesn't think the way I do it is an issue. For many it wouldn't be. FOr me it is. I think it will be ok. I wouldn't suggest never getting together again if they both realized the slip. It would be a set back though.

John

[thump29]

Originally posted by Flori_DAMAN
Im glad you responded Mrs Thump. What it brought my mind to was that after we had our first encounter I asked you specifically if your hubby would mind if we kissed during our playtime. You said "no way". That meant to me that WHILE we were together it was an OK. Now for me to try to make out with you when he wasn't round would be out of bounds for me. Sensitivity is a big part of swinging. Kissing is an intimate act and swinging is too. BUt it is one to be shared. That was why I called it a small crime. I cannot possibly expect everyone to draw the line where I do, but once the boundary is passed assuming everyone doesn't think the way I do it is an issue. For many it wouldn't be. FOr me it is. I think it will be ok. I wouldn't suggest never getting together again if they both realized the slip. It would be a set back though.

John

We feel kissing is very intimate just like swinging and we dont have a problem with kissing the swinging partner we are with but it is something that happens when we are together. I agree that if it was done behind the others back then it is definetely out of bounds. I do feel that the woman needs to be confronted too on this matter not just the husband, they both were in the wrong if it was something not agreed upon ahead of time.