When starting to swing turns to "cheating"... - Page 2

watcherone · 06-27-2002, 06:07 PM

First thing that catches me on this topic is that you went into his IM or email to begin with. Not to say he is being honest with you but you invaded his privacy. I would never think of checking my wife's IM or anything she does on her or my computer- it is her private area and I dont go there.
Then something else is here. How can anyone get into swinging with so little honesty between you both. Swinging has got to be totally open and honest. He should only do what you both agree on and the same with you. It is like a contract between you both and it wont work if either of you arent sincere about the conditions of that contract.
Talk to him and admit you went into his IM or email. You both need to be truthful and open about this whole thing and then see where it goes from there. I know he shouldnt be chatting with other women if that is the deal between you but if you are checking up on him, I dont see the trust and openness (sp) that swinging requires. Whenever my wife and I bump into a problem in swinging or anything else in our relationship, we stop and make sure we know where we are on the subject. We may decide it is not a problem and go on or it is a problem and if it isnt going to be okay with one of us, we dont do it. We are both in this together.

anne & vernon · 06-29-2002, 10:08 AM

I can't help but thinking that perhaps he doesn't think the "rules" you made are fair (which appears to be true).

In a perfect world he should have discussed this with you up front. In the real world he probably found it easier to justify each step because he felt it was far short of your indulgences.

Sometimes it's hard to be honest when we expect a negative reaction from our partner. We don't want to hurt or anger them so it is easier to do as your boyfriend did. Time for some honest sharing between you. Ask him if he thinks the rules are unfair. I think he does. I think it's time for it to be fair and if you can't allow him the same level you've been experiencing, time to give up what you're doing or things in your relationship will get more negative and resentful.

My husband and I continue to explore our real feelings and needs with each other but we hate to hurt the feelings of the person we care about. We've learned after 29 years you can pay now or pay later but the greater damage comes from "pay later".

It's about being "real" and "honest" not only with others but with ourselves. Sometimes being honest with ourselves is the hardest hurdle.

TasteeKat · 06-29-2002, 10:42 AM

Hubby and I discussed the lifestyle about 5 years before we ever got into it. We both had an alone encounter (and we neither liked it)

for us it is the being together and watching each other. You have to have trust and be secure in your relationship before you enter this lifestlye. My oppinion the lifestyle is not for people trying to fix a relationship. And as far as talking on the internet goes.........hubby has a few people he talks to and I literally have hundreds that I talk to......it's just a difference of our personnalities, but talking on the internet is just that "talking". If I were the two of you I would take a step back from engaging anyone else in the relationship until the two of you could get your own life and trust worked out. And one last thing, there is NO room in this lifestyle for jealousy.
Good Luck to the two of you.

Ruby/Chuck

Dukedoll · 08-31-2002, 01:14 PM

My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for about 20yrs now. We started out as a couple and met and played with mfm, fmf situations. We went to cpl/cpl situations. He finally decided that he just wasnt That interested in most of the women that we encountered, so we went to our present situation: f/cpl - fmf - mfm - or ?????. I still get to play with anyone or group in whatever situation that I want to be in. The only stipulation is that He gets to be there and watch. That is His choice and I am 100% agreeable and satisfied with it. It True, we dont have as many people wanting to play with him watching, but he is still a part of it in his own way. Maybe you could try this type situation and see if it makes you or him feel any more at ease with the fact that You are the only one playing. At least he may not feel like it is so one sided. And I agree, it has to be a Couple thing regardless of His role, whether as a participant or observer. Dont cut him out completely, or you may be cutting your relationship as well.

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06-29-2002, 10:08 AM	#17 (permalink)
anne & vernon Active Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 12 Location: New England	I can't help but thinking that perhaps he doesn't think the "rules" you made are fair (which appears to be true). In a perfect world he should have discussed this with you up front. In the real world he probably found it easier to justify each step because he felt it was far short of your indulgences. Sometimes it's hard to be honest when we expect a negative reaction from our partner. We don't want to hurt or anger them so it is easier to do as your boyfriend did. Time for some honest sharing between you. Ask him if he thinks the rules are unfair. I think he does. I think it's time for it to be fair and if you can't allow him the same level you've been experiencing, time to give up what you're doing or things in your relationship will get more negative and resentful. My husband and I continue to explore our real feelings and needs with each other but we hate to hurt the feelings of the person we care about. We've learned after 29 years you can pay now or pay later but the greater damage comes from "pay later". It's about being "real" and "honest" not only with others but with ourselves. Sometimes being honest with ourselves is the hardest hurdle.
	__________________ Sex: The most fun you can have with your clothes on or off :)

06-29-2002, 10:42 AM	#18 (permalink)
TasteeKat Here to Stay Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 15 Location: Bloomingdale, GA near Savannah Status: D. Female	Hubby and I discussed the lifestyle about 5 years before we ever got into it. We both had an alone encounter (and we neither liked it) for us it is the being together and watching each other. You have to have trust and be secure in your relationship before you enter this lifestlye. My oppinion the lifestyle is not for people trying to fix a relationship. And as far as talking on the internet goes.........hubby has a few people he talks to and I literally have hundreds that I talk to......it's just a difference of our personnalities, but talking on the internet is just that "talking". If I were the two of you I would take a step back from engaging anyone else in the relationship until the two of you could get your own life and trust worked out. And one last thing, there is NO room in this lifestyle for jealousy. Good Luck to the two of you. Ruby/Chuck
	__________________ Smoooches & Hugzzz :facelick: *TasteeKat*

08-31-2002, 01:14 PM	#19 (permalink)
Dukedoll Registered Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 3 Location: Duke, Ok	My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for about 20yrs now. We started out as a couple and met and played with mfm, fmf situations. We went to cpl/cpl situations. He finally decided that he just wasnt That interested in most of the women that we encountered, so we went to our present situation: f/cpl - fmf - mfm - or ?????. I still get to play with anyone or group in whatever situation that I want to be in. The only stipulation is that He gets to be there and watch. That is His choice and I am 100% agreeable and satisfied with it. It True, we dont have as many people wanting to play with him watching, but he is still a part of it in his own way. Maybe you could try this type situation and see if it makes you or him feel any more at ease with the fact that You are the only one playing. At least he may not feel like it is so one sided. And I agree, it has to be a Couple thing regardless of His role, whether as a participant or observer. Dont cut him out completely, or you may be cutting your relationship as well.
	__________________ Cathy

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06-27-2002, 06:07 PM	#16 (permalink)
watcherone Active Member Join Date: Oct 2000 Posts: 45 Location: West Virginia, USA	First thing that catches me on this topic is that you went into his IM or email to begin with. Not to say he is being honest with you but you invaded his privacy. I would never think of checking my wife's IM or anything she does on her or my computer- it is her private area and I dont go there. Then something else is here. How can anyone get into swinging with so little honesty between you both. Swinging has got to be totally open and honest. He should only do what you both agree on and the same with you. It is like a contract between you both and it wont work if either of you arent sincere about the conditions of that contract. Talk to him and admit you went into his IM or email. You both need to be truthful and open about this whole thing and then see where it goes from there. I know he shouldnt be chatting with other women if that is the deal between you but if you are checking up on him, I dont see the trust and openness (sp) that swinging requires. Whenever my wife and I bump into a problem in swinging or anything else in our relationship, we stop and make sure we know where we are on the subject. We may decide it is not a problem and go on or it is a problem and if it isnt going to be okay with one of us, we dont do it. We are both in this together.

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