help - female cheater...

naughty A · 06-25-2003, 07:20 AM

I have a problem... actually more of a rant I think...

someone posted to one of my yahoo (swinger) groups looking for info on swinging... basically saying they were new asking about what happens at a party/dance.

So I responded and asked a little bit about her.

this was her response...

I am married but have a male friend my hub doesnt know about never try bi but have had 2 men the next party i think i will be going

none of my business... I guess but I really dislike cheaters M or F so now I would like to respond... but don't know quite what to say?

DON'T COME TO THIS PARTY! take your CHEATING somewhere else!

about sums it up.

after all it's not my responsibility to screen couples from a club...or determine who can and cannot attend... she and her friend can attend with or without my permission... do I alert the club owners? would they even care? any ideas?

I guess my dilemma is more that I WAS nice to her when I thought she was just a newbie looking for info and now it seems like I would be doing a complete about face... but if that is how I feel then...

help?

windsor4fun · 06-25-2003, 07:52 AM

I can certainly see your need to rant...I'd feel the same way!

I would probably try to explain the picture to her first...that this is not the "norm" for the club, etc. and that cheating would be frowned upon...if she still plans on attending, I'd tell the club owners.

If they don't care then it's out of your hands and you will know one couple to avoid.

austxmark · 06-25-2003, 08:22 AM

Not fond of cheaters either but don't you think that you are being a bit judgemental? I mean swingers in general do not want to have to deal with what other "non-swingers" think about us and this is similar. This attitude of at least "warning" a club owner is the same as you going to some regular club and finding out that someone had spread the word about your swinging to the owners. You think you would like that? My advice would be to tell the couple that you are not interested, no reason given, and move on. Lets all try to judge less and accept more.

EternallySingle · 06-25-2003, 08:53 AM

Tell her that the members of the club or group don't like people who cheat on their spouse and you will tell others about her. Tell her that no matter how she justifies it she is going out of her way to make her husband feel bad for her benefit. Then ask her how she would feel if her husband was going to a swing club with another woman and not giving her the chance to know the truth. I know cheaters have no sympathy for their mates, but you will at least let her know what she can expect from you and most of the other members.

I'd also tell the host. I know they won't turn her away, but they will talk to her and her escort.

And, of course, you met her on Yahoo! I chatted with so many women on Yahoo saying they wanted to do the same thing it was totally disheartening. It was just another reason I've been reluctant to meet anyone in the lifestyle. Never know when that "single woman" is really a cheating wife.

OhioCouple · 06-25-2003, 09:19 AM

I can understand your position. I for one... DESPISE cheaters, of either sex. I make no bones about it and don't even try to hide it. I've been burnt more than once and I'm admittedly bitter.

With that said, as much as I would want to "Call out" this person to everyone I know, I have found that it isn't the right thing to do. I've also found that deceitful people trip themselves up in their own right. As unfortuntate as it is, some people just need to get duped however many times it takes, on their own, before they begin to recognize the warning signs. No since in making enemies of friends.

My only disclaimer to the above, would be if the person had or has shown tendencies to be violent or abusive. If that is the case, then by all means shout it from the roof tops.

ciscosv · 06-25-2003, 02:04 PM

I feel for that ladies husband. In either event, I think that explaining to her that she will not be the belle of the ball because of her position amy be a better way of going about it. Take a poll here and email her the link.

naughty A · 06-25-2003, 02:35 PM

Originally posted by ciscosv
explaining to her that she will not be the belle of the ball because of her position

this is what I am going to do/was planning to do.

Take a poll here and email her the link.

no I don't think so ... although it would be hilarious don't you think... hey or I could give her email address to all the single guy sites...

I was just waffling about how much responsibility I have to the owners of the club...

and how two faced is it to offer help and assistance and then say... hey... maybe this is not the best place for you and your friend to meet other people... I just finished telling her what a cool, no pressure, fun place it is... sheesh.

fun_pairTX · 06-25-2003, 02:37 PM

While we would disapprove totally and express our disapproval directly to the parties involved, we would not inform a club owner. Since they are cheating, (a moral problem) and not presenting a physical problem, (IV drug use, violence, etc), we really wouldn't want to make a judgement there.

ciscosv · 06-25-2003, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by naughty A
[
Take a poll here and email her the link.

no I don't think so ... although it would be hilarious don't you think... hey or I could give her email address to all the single guy sites...

I was just waffling about how much responsibility I have to the owners of the club...

It would be pretty funny being that she would get bashed from here to to Antarctica.

The responsibilty you have to the club owners actually makes a good point. I am not sure what the laws are like in Canada regarding divorce but am sure that the club owners dont want that kind of shit. I feel that my wife and I know a couple that run a club here in Michigan enough that we would (tattle) on a possible trouble maker. Did that just make sense?

***JustAskJulie*** · 06-25-2003, 05:59 PM

I would handle it the same way I handle it everytime something like that happens here. Explain to her the difference between swinging and cheating and that one does not equal the other. Explain to her that she should talk to her husband about her desires and if he can't handle them then she needs to make a choice as to what is more important (her family or her playing). Remind her of the damage that she could do to her family if she continues in the way she is going.

I think that is your responsibility as the person who answered her question in the first place (and the person who runs the Yahoo club she is looking for info on).

As far as your responsibility to the particular club. If you don't run it, it's not your job to screen people. I would hope that they have some decent screening procedures in effect but who knows. Then again as forthright as she was with you, I'd imagine she will be just as forthright with others, giving them the option to play or go.

Yummi · 06-25-2003, 06:18 PM

I am with the majority here. Don't worry about telling the club owners but let her know that being a 'swinger' is not at all like being a cheater.

BBgurl · 06-25-2003, 08:48 PM

I really hate the fact that cheaters hide behind the swinging lifestyle as a cover up for their irresposible behavior.
My 2 cents is, be upfront now.....so there are no bad feelings
later....

Flori_DAMAN · 06-25-2003, 09:09 PM

IN order to not bet biased I did not read any replies. I just read the original thread.

My suggestion is to ignore the whole thing. Don't respond, don't do anything, just ignore it.

If you feel compelled to justify what you don't believe in then that accomplishes nothing good.

The idea is to have fun.

John

AnonDude · 06-26-2003, 08:43 AM

First - I agree that cheating is, IMO, wrong and morally reprehensible.

That said - I would advise not getting involved one way or another. Your moral stance (quite similar to mine) seems to preclude activity with this person on an intimate level but, again IMO, should also preclude activity from a level of oversight.

Swingers are definately not positioned to become the moral police for other people.

...and why would you? Cheating is wrong and hurts the aggrieved spouse but someone could say that swinging is wrong and hurts the aggrieved parents of the swinger, or uncle or family member who disagrees with swinging and thinks they have a right to "set you straight".

Its easy to attack another person's belief or to defend your own - the true moral high ground is defending and/or accepting another person's belief even when you don't agree with them. Just make decisions that are right for YOU concerning THEM - but don't try to make decisions for THEM.

...just my $0.02...

Quin · 07-01-2003, 03:18 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
I would handle it the same way I handle it everytime something like that happens here. Explain to her the difference between swinging and cheating and that one does not equal the other. Explain to her that she should talk to her husband about her desires and if he can't handle them then she needs to make a choice as to what is more important (her family or her playing). Remind her of the damage that she could do to her family if she continues in the way she is going.

I think that is your responsibility as the person who answered her question in the first place (and the person who runs the Yahoo club she is looking for info on).

As far as your responsibility to the particular club. If you don't run it, it's not your job to screen people. I would hope that they have some decent screening procedures in effect but who knows. Then again as forthright as she was with you, I'd imagine she will be just as forthright with others, giving them the option to play or go.

Julie's answer is so right on that it bears being viewed again.

Quin
()()

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06-25-2003, 07:20 AM	#1 (permalink)
naughty A Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 997 Location: windsor ontario Status: couple - female half	help - female cheater... I have a problem... actually more of a rant I think... someone posted to one of my yahoo (swinger) groups looking for info on swinging... basically saying they were new asking about what happens at a party/dance. So I responded and asked a little bit about her. this was her response... I am married but have a male friend my hub doesnt know about never try bi but have had 2 men the next party i think i will be going none of my business... I guess but I really dislike cheaters M or F so now I would like to respond... but don't know quite what to say? DON'T COME TO THIS PARTY! take your CHEATING somewhere else! about sums it up. after all it's not my responsibility to screen couples from a club...or determine who can and cannot attend... she and her friend can attend with or without my permission... do I alert the club owners? would they even care? any ideas? I guess my dilemma is more that I WAS nice to her when I thought she was just a newbie looking for info and now it seems like I would be doing a complete about face... but if that is how I feel then... help?
	__________________ The proper response to "Good morning" is not "Prove it!"

06-25-2003, 07:52 AM	#2 (permalink)
windsor4fun Here to Stay Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 79 Location: Windsor Ontario Status: female half of couple	I can certainly see your need to rant...I'd feel the same way! I would probably try to explain the picture to her first...that this is not the "norm" for the club, etc. and that cheating would be frowned upon...if she still plans on attending, I'd tell the club owners. If they don't care then it's out of your hands and you will know one couple to avoid.
	__________________ ummm, WHERE are we going...and what's in the handbasket??

06-25-2003, 08:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
austxmark Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2001 Posts: 61 Location: austin, TX USA Status: Single Male	Not fond of cheaters either but don't you think that you are being a bit judgemental? I mean swingers in general do not want to have to deal with what other "non-swingers" think about us and this is similar. This attitude of at least "warning" a club owner is the same as you going to some regular club and finding out that someone had spread the word about your swinging to the owners. You think you would like that? My advice would be to tell the couple that you are not interested, no reason given, and move on. Lets all try to judge less and accept more.
	__________________ Mark in Austin

06-25-2003, 08:53 AM	#4 (permalink)
EternallySingle Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 1,035 Location: Michigan Status: Single Male Swing Lifestyle Name:ABSingleMan	If she is cheating, she is wrong and you should tell her Tell her that the members of the club or group don't like people who cheat on their spouse and you will tell others about her. Tell her that no matter how she justifies it she is going out of her way to make her husband feel bad for her benefit. Then ask her how she would feel if her husband was going to a swing club with another woman and not giving her the chance to know the truth. I know cheaters have no sympathy for their mates, but you will at least let her know what she can expect from you and most of the other members. I'd also tell the host. I know they won't turn her away, but they will talk to her and her escort. And, of course, you met her on Yahoo! I chatted with so many women on Yahoo saying they wanted to do the same thing it was totally disheartening. It was just another reason I've been reluctant to meet anyone in the lifestyle. Never know when that "single woman" is really a cheating wife.
	__________________ "Style is not lusting after somone because they are cool. Style is loving yourself till everyone else does too." Prince

06-25-2003, 09:19 AM	#5 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	I can understand your position. I for one... DESPISE cheaters, of either sex. I make no bones about it and don't even try to hide it. I've been burnt more than once and I'm admittedly bitter. With that said, as much as I would want to "Call out" this person to everyone I know, I have found that it isn't the right thing to do. I've also found that deceitful people trip themselves up in their own right. As unfortuntate as it is, some people just need to get duped however many times it takes, on their own, before they begin to recognize the warning signs. No since in making enemies of friends. My only disclaimer to the above, would be if the person had or has shown tendencies to be violent or abusive. If that is the case, then by all means shout it from the roof tops.
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

06-25-2003, 02:04 PM	#6 (permalink)
ciscosv Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 755 Location: Redford, Michigan Status: Married Couple	I feel for that ladies husband. In either event, I think that explaining to her that she will not be the belle of the ball because of her position amy be a better way of going about it. Take a poll here and email her the link.
	__________________ M&M Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

06-25-2003, 02:35 PM	#7 (permalink)
naughty A Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 997 Location: windsor ontario Status: couple - female half	Originally posted by ciscosv explaining to her that she will not be the belle of the ball because of her position this is what I am going to do/was planning to do. Take a poll here and email her the link. no I don't think so ... although it would be hilarious don't you think... hey or I could give her email address to all the single guy sites... I was just waffling about how much responsibility I have to the owners of the club... and how two faced is it to offer help and assistance and then say... hey... maybe this is not the best place for you and your friend to meet other people... I just finished telling her what a cool, no pressure, fun place it is... sheesh.
	__________________ The proper response to "Good morning" is not "Prove it!"

06-25-2003, 02:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
fun_pairTX Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 1,185 Location: Ennis, Texas Status: Couple	Cheaters While we would disapprove totally and express our disapproval directly to the parties involved, we would not inform a club owner. Since they are cheating, (a moral problem) and not presenting a physical problem, (IV drug use, violence, etc), we really wouldn't want to make a judgement there.
	__________________ fun_pairTX

06-25-2003, 05:59 PM	#10 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,288 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	I would handle it the same way I handle it everytime something like that happens here. Explain to her the difference between swinging and cheating and that one does not equal the other. Explain to her that she should talk to her husband about her desires and if he can't handle them then she needs to make a choice as to what is more important (her family or her playing). Remind her of the damage that she could do to her family if she continues in the way she is going. I think that is your responsibility as the person who answered her question in the first place (and the person who runs the Yahoo club she is looking for info on). As far as your responsibility to the particular club. If you don't run it, it's not your job to screen people. I would hope that they have some decent screening procedures in effect but who knows. Then again as forthright as she was with you, I'd imagine she will be just as forthright with others, giving them the option to play or go.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

06-25-2003, 06:18 PM	#11 (permalink)
Yummi Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 113 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: M.Female	I am with the majority here. Don't worry about telling the club owners but let her know that being a 'swinger' is not at all like being a cheater.
	__________________ YuMMi

06-25-2003, 08:48 PM	#12 (permalink)
BBgurl Active Member Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 44 Location: Kentucky Status: Single	I really hate the fact that cheaters hide behind the swinging lifestyle as a cover up for their irresposible behavior. My 2 cents is, be upfront now.....so there are no bad feelings later....

06-25-2003, 09:09 PM	#13 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	IN order to not bet biased I did not read any replies. I just read the original thread. My suggestion is to ignore the whole thing. Don't respond, don't do anything, just ignore it. If you feel compelled to justify what you don't believe in then that accomplishes nothing good. The idea is to have fun. John

06-26-2003, 08:43 AM	#14 (permalink)
AnonDude Active Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 10 Location: North Carolina	Moral police is moral police... First - I agree that cheating is, IMO, wrong and morally reprehensible. That said - I would advise not getting involved one way or another. Your moral stance (quite similar to mine) seems to preclude activity with this person on an intimate level but, again IMO, should also preclude activity from a level of oversight. Swingers are definately not positioned to become the moral police for other people. ...and why would you? Cheating is wrong and hurts the aggrieved spouse but someone could say that swinging is wrong and hurts the aggrieved parents of the swinger, or uncle or family member who disagrees with swinging and thinks they have a right to "set you straight". Its easy to attack another person's belief or to defend your own - the true moral high ground is defending and/or accepting another person's belief even when you don't agree with them. Just make decisions that are right for YOU concerning THEM - but don't try to make decisions for THEM. ...just my $0.02...

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