Webcam Infidelity

[wetsunshine_02]

I came home from work one afternoon. To my naked husband in the bed. Webcam on the tri-pod, valentine's boxer shorts are on the floor, at the computer desk. I left that morning to go to work, and he was in the bed. He was to go to work, and do paper work. Well that morning I tried to call him, and got no answer. So I thought he most have over slept. So, .....
This is the reason I came home, on my lunch break, so I could wake him. When he unlocked the door, so I could enter our bedroom. I immediately seen the webcam on the tri-pod. I really didn't have a problem with that. But....
When I seen the boxer's, I gave him for Valentine's Day, were on the floor at the computer desk. I was, shocked! I don't really think of myself as a jealous person, but I think there are limitations in this swingers life when, coming in as a couple.
I looked the the camera, and then see the boxers. I couldn't believe what I was seeing? He had been online and got off with some female in a chat room. He said, thats what had happened.
I started out of our room, tears welping in my eyes. and my heart chrushed!! He called me and asked me to come back in our room and talk to him. Although, I just wanted to leave and go cry. I turned around and wanted to hear what he had done. He said, he was going to take pics of him first, and that the cam wasn't working correctly. Then he got it working and went into a chat room. That was enough information for me.
Although I know, I shouldn't have been so shocked. But, the whole thing, was I felt like he had cheated on me!!
I would NEVER do that to him, unless he was right there with me. But otherwise, NO. I feel like there are boundaries, and that would be overstepping them as a woman, wife.
Needless to say, he apologized many times for what he had done. But he at the same time, felt like he hadn't done nothing wrong. I know 2 wrongs don't make it right but, I said ok, then I'll go online and chat with men, and get naked on the webcam. Since there is nothing wrong with it.
The next night, I went to get the webcam and set it up, but it wasn't here. He had taken it with him, on the road working. I am assuming b/c he didn't want me to do what he had done.??
I feel like what he did was wrong! He cheated on me!
So here is this situation, and would love for ya'll to reply back, I need help (advice) with this situation. Was i wrong for getting upset? Or is that just Wrong!? My heart felt broken.
Upset & needing advice. wetsunshine_02

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by wetsunshine_02
I came home from work one afternoon. To my naked husband in the bed. Webcam on the tri-pod, valentine's boxer shorts are on the floor, at the computer desk. I left that morning to go to work, and he was in the bed. He was to go to work, and do paper work. Well that morning I tried to call him, and got no answer. So I thought he most have over slept. So, .....
This is the reason I came home, on my lunch break, so I could wake him. When he unlocked the door, so I could enter our bedroom. I immediately seen the webcam on the tri-pod. I really didn't have a problem with that. But....
When I seen the boxer's, I gave him for Valentine's Day, were on the floor at the computer desk. I was, shocked! I don't really think of myself as a jealous person, but I think there are limitations in this swingers life when, coming in as a couple.
I looked the the camera, and then see the boxers. I couldn't believe what I was seeing? He had been online and got off with some female in a chat room. He said, thats what had happened.
I started out of our room, tears welping in my eyes. and my heart chrushed!! He called me and asked me to come back in our room and talk to him. Although, I just wanted to leave and go cry. I turned around and wanted to hear what he had done. He said, he was going to take pics of him first, and that the cam wasn't working correctly. Then he got it working and went into a chat room. That was enough information for me.
Although I know, I shouldn't have been so shocked. But, the whole thing, was I felt like he had cheated on me!!
I would NEVER do that to him, unless he was right there with me. But otherwise, NO. I feel like there are boundaries, and that would be overstepping them as a woman, wife.
Needless to say, he apologized many times for what he had done. But he at the same time, felt like he hadn't done nothing wrong. I feel like what he did was wrong! He cheated on me!
So here is this situation, and would love for ya'll to reply back, I need help (advice) with this situation. Was i wrong for getting upset? Or is that just Wrong!? My heart felt broken.
Upset & needing advice. wetsunshine_02

You know hubby better than anyone.

It would seem odd if this were a one time thing.

Maybe he didn't do anything wrong. You love this man. What did he do? He had cybersex? That is what I am assuming.

If he did that in my book that is sexual relations.

If he apologized and was remourseful that counts. But the heart of the problem needs to be adressed. I think you are beating yourself up too bad though. You should not feel wrong. IN my opinion you were wronged IF you and him had an agreement, said or unsaid that you two don't have sexual relations outside of your relationship without the partners consent.


He should keep his valentines shorts for you and you only.

The message I get is that he decided to have a little fun online.

Maybe it was with someone and I am guessing that is why he apologized.

Accept his apology and do the right thing. He must love you if he apologized. Maybe he is incapable of having an honest relationship.

You must have an honest relationship with yourself. Can you take it if he does it again? ANd what is your scale. The president got a blowjob and denied it was even sexual relations, but when it is with the one you love it is indeed.

Swingers are not sluts. Swingers are the most loyal of all people. Many have open relationships, but many don't. Sluts are easy lays and cheaters lie. It's okay to be a slut, but it's not ok to be a cheater.

If he did this with complete knowledge that you would not approve then he cheated.

Many couples can still be ok after the cheating but only if you can talk it out. Sounds quacky, but you need to find out what is going on inside his head. You love this man dearly, I can tell by your words. I have a feeling he loves you too.

Words need to be defined. Was he cheating in your mind? Was he cheating in HIS mind?

If so then due to the fact that you love each other work it out, but draw a line in the sand and make it an absolute. It made you cry and feel horrible. Thats not good.

Thats all I can say. Im sure others can fill in more of the blanks I draw as a male with a dick. If it were my wife, id go ballistic. Many people on here won't, and do it all the time, but with either an unsaid permission or a verbalized one. I would make a big deal out of it though.

John.

[Vjklander]

[B]I guess that depends on what your definition of "is" is.

I bet Bill never thought his 'lagacy' would be linquistic !!!

But to the original post, really, I don't think cybersex is cheating, its more like masturbating to Penthouse Forum, with interactive feedback. If there is no physical contact, there's no cheating.
On the other hand, he is trying to hide his activities from you and that is not a good thing. Does he also hide when he masturbates? It just seems like he is embarrassed about his sexuality. In our case, we both enjoy cybering now and then and if the other comes in we'll give helpful hints and assistance. Its not unusual for my wife to start giving me a bj when I'm cybering and I will often start playing with her clit when she is. Hmm, maybe we should do this more often ....
Seems to me like communication needs to occur. Apologizing is often more a way to cut off communication than anything else.
Take care and good luck!!
Jamie

[wetsunshine_02]

My original of this situation is in help, please read and then refer to this afterward. In continious: A while back we were chatting with another swinger couple. Who we and they as well. Turned the web cam on. And continued to chat back and forth. The woman and my husband seem to hit it right off! So i blended in the background. I really got aggrivated and a red flag went off with this woman. My hubby changed boxers, and was showing off, and just having a good time. Which I didn't have a problem with.Well the next few times we all chatted she would mention what kind of boxer did he have on then? He in turn replied, and mentioned he wanted to show her his Valentine boxers. We had arranged to meet online again and hubby really wanted to show these boxers! She was interested as well. She even went as far to ask me where he was when i logged in the email. "Isn't he going to type?) Her question.
Turned out we were unable to get online that eventing and we didn't get to go. A few (couple) days later my mom needed to get in touch with her sister. My step daughter was already getting on the phone. not tired!!! I think that my husband was showing his boxers for Valentine's day!??? He said no but, i don't really think he is being totatlly honest.So of course, I'm very troubled and wondering what is going on! Hope this makes sense?
Oh, now I can't get her to return email back to me.??
Is something up?Or am I being overly jealous re: all of this mess?Or do I have no business being in the swingers lifestyle I look forward to you imput on this troubling situation.
Thank you so much!!
wetsunshine

[BradAndJanet]

I think it's cheating. He's making an emotional, sexual connection with another human being (not to mention trying to hide it from you.) Just because he's using a computer to do it does not change the facts. It's not the same, in my mind, as looking at porn.

You need to confont him with your feelings and talk this out with him. See a counselor if you feel the need. Believe me, they won't be shocked by what you tell them and they'll be professional about it. (If not, then find another!) A third party can be a big help in opening up communication.

Your feelings of betrayal are valid. I wish you the best in working this out.

-B

[NightGoddess]

---Sunshine, this post didn't make any sense atall. Am I missing something here?
Maybe I'm dense, but could you please explain why you are getting the red flags, and feeling jealous? I'm not challenging you, I just can't get a handle on the situation.


"I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
--Albert Camus

[wetsunshine_02]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input on this situation. I feel as many have said, We need to talk. As I have brought it up several times to talk about it. He doesn't really think what he did was wrong. So i told him, that since he felt that way. I would do just what he did, although i realize two wrongs don't make a right. His reply was, if thats what you want, go ahead. Then the following night i went to get the webcam and it was gone.he works out of town, and When I talked to him on the phone, he said he took it, b/c of the trouble he was having over it.?
So I know he doesn't want to come right out and say, he doesn't want me to go on a webcam. Its strange I know. But....
maybe someone has been through a simaliar situation. And any and all advice/input really does help. Thanks for the replys.
Sunshine.

[Flori_DAMAN]

OMG he TOOK the webcam??

I know this is a personal and troubling situation for you.

I think you two should get into a counsler...I cant remember who said it first but I totally agree. You have deceptive issues, and control issues brewing up a big storm here.

You are totally right about two wrongs not making a right though. You did not actually do it you just presented the idea in a question form of how he would feel. That is a reasonable question. Him taking the webcam is demonstrating that he really does care but he lied to you again then tried to limit your ability to do what he actually feared you might do.

Way over my head. That is why they have counselers though.

In the meantime I would buy about a dozen webcams, they are only 5 bucks at walmart.......ok ok...maybe not....

john

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by wetsunshine_02
My original of this situation is in help, please read and then refer to this afterward.

Wetsunshine,

I took the liberty two join both threads as they deal with the same situation.

I too am like NightGoddess in the sense that I don't really understand. Are you or were you swingers in the past? In your original posting you make no mention of it (unless I missed it) and in the second topic you say that you were talking/chatting/webcamming with other swingers.

I guess before I comment further I need to know if you have or have not been swingers in your past or if you are technically webcammers.

Lori

[JustAskJulie]

I, too, am wondering about the swinging background on you guys. And I would have to say that if you have been swinging, you definately need to take a break and step back and communicate and work some other things out before you continue swinging.

Regarding your situation. I guess my question to him would be, if you hadn't walked in on him, would he have told you about the cybersex? If yes, then no he didn't cheat (in my opinion). If he wouldn't have told you, then yes it would have been cheating.

But what it really comes down to is ground rules. You guys need them. You need to decide between each other what is and is not acceptable and stick to it.

[wetsunshine_02]

Well, I hope I can get this story straight. And I apologize for the confusion in telling this. I was VERY tired, when I entered this on here. So at the bottom it gets crazy!! Sorry!! Sure won't post any more threads, when I am exhausted!!! LOL! Thats funny!
As far as us being swingers, we wanted to try it, and chatted with a few couples. But It never went any further than that. Then
We ran into this situation, with the webcam. We still check out the websites, but that is it. Maybe this explanation will help makemore sense! Again, I'm sorry for the confusion.
wetsunshine.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by wetsunshine_02
Well, I hope I can get this story straight. And I apologize for the confusion in telling this. I was VERY tired, when I entered this on here. So at the bottom it gets crazy!! Sorry!! Sure won't post any more threads, when I am exhausted!!! LOL! Thats funny!
As far as us being swingers, we wanted to try it, and chatted with a few couples. But It never went any further than that. Then
We ran into this situation, with the webcam. We still check out the websites, but that is it. Maybe this explanation will help makemore sense! Again, I'm sorry for the confusion.
wetsunshine.

Morning Sunshine.... (I always like to say that when I can. )

Don't worry about your posts, I post all the time tired and have quite often been referred to as crazy.

I am bothered by the fact that he took the webcam. I also agree with the others that said you really need to sit down and talk about these issues. Have a very SERIOUS talk and not one that is a finger pointing talk. You need to decide what constitutes deception in your own relationship. We had a few good topics a while back regarding cheating that might be of interest to you.

Does Cybersex=Cheating?

More on Cheating

You'll find quite a bit of feedback in those threads which may help you in addressing this situation with your husband.

Please let us know how this plays out for you.

Lori

[coolwetbreeze]

I'm seeing it as you are seeing it Sunshine....If he wanted to show his boxers he could of waited till you were there. He chose to do it while you were out of the house. He planned it with this other woman because how else would he have been on at the same time as her. So yes...he did something wrong...And yes he knows he has done something wrong...and most likely he will do it again and again. and has probably done it before(as he says he sees nothing wrong with it) If he cares about your feelings he will not blow them off.... Tell him how you feel when you are rested and not feeling hurt or irritable. Then see what he has to say...only you can determine if this is what you want .

[Flori_DAMAN]

Thes valentines boxers. Were they big Kiss marks? Or were they big hearts?

That makes a difference.

John. (don't believe anything Lori says)

[thestars]

As most everyone else has said. It sounds like it is cheating while on webcam...

He should have included you on it or told you about any other times he has cammed when you are not home.

But what really raises red flags is that he took the cam with him. Does he have a laptop he takes with him while out of town? Or have access to a puter while out? Just sounds too fishy.

Maybe what you need to do is take a break from thinking about swinging till you get it worked out.As well as if you are still finding that he is on cam and does not like you on it, then cut the net off for a time. Sometimes people get assorbed in the net and loose focus on what is going on in the house.