Condoning Wife's Cheating

[sunfighter]

I found out this bulletin board today and found it to be very informative. I'm in a situation that I really need some advice.

We're a couple married for three years. My wife lost her virginity to me and we had been faithful for all the time. Last month my wife confessed to me that she may have been cheating on me.

She met a man at work about half a year ago and he was attracted to her. First she was pushed by him to have sex but later she enjoyed the sex with him more and more. They've been having sex for about 20 or 30 times. Meanwhile, my wife struggled a lot before confessed all this to me. She said she really loved me and cared about the marriage, and constantly felt guilty when she met him. She simply couldn't keep this secret anymore. But she truly enjoyed the sex with him. She asked me if I can allow her to have sex with him and she will make sure that her relationship with him is nothing more than sex.

Personally, I hope my wife to enjoy the best of sex. And, I know from instinct that she's got lots of sexual satifaction out of this. But I'm not sure about the implications if I approve their relationship. What will be done to our marriage? etc..

Any advice to give?

[ATAK]

At one time or another in my past I've been on both sides of this type of situation. I'm not entirely sure that you've come to the right place to seek advice on marriage counseling, however, to me it seems like you two have a situation on your hands that a marriage counselor might be best able to handle.

With that said, I'm gonna go ahead and offer my advice anyway... You and your wife need to sit down and talk about this in great detail. She has gone outside of your marriage without telling you, therefore she cheated. Whether or not this is something you can live with is your decision alone. If you find that it's something you can live with, and she wants to maintain a relationship with this man and a marriage to you, I'd sit down with her and discuss bringing in a female for you to have as a extra-marital partner and see how she reacts. If she has no problem with it, then I'd suggest you two discuss swinging options and find out what works for you both.

On the other hand, if she has a problem with you bringing a female in for your pleasure, then you have an issue that may be best left to marriage counselling. She wants to cheat, but doesn't want you to. That's a bit unfair...but then again so is cheating in the first place.

Ask her how she'd feel about bringing in the female for you and if she's ok with it, then I'd take it a step further and see if she's up for a same room suare`.

One very important point I forgot to make at the onset is: If you are not comfortable with any of this, STOP. Tell her the situation is unacceptable and how you feel. Communication is the key. You MUST talk to her and she MUST talk to you if you are to understand one another. If she cannot stop seeing this man despite your objections then her devotion to you and the marriage is in question. Again, I feel like I'm treading the area of Marriage counselling, and after two failed relationships myself, I'm the last one to be giving marital advice. But this is my opinion, take it for what it's worth and I hope you find resolution to your situation.

[4sum]

I agree with ATAK's advice. What will be done to your relationship is predicated on your wife's ability to be honest with you. Assuming you feel comfortable with this and find enough common ground to not want to break up, you need to decide what staying together is going to be like...what level of involvement you're going to have, she's going to have, etc. This can either be a marriage killer or it can turn your relationship into something completely different.

[Alura]

We have a pre-planned reply in case someone we might be interested in ever invites either of us to have sex: "How do you and your spouse feel about swinging?" Of course, this won't work if the other person is single, but neither of us has been interested in singles so far. (Just a qualification, Quin, in case you jump on our shit.)

Cheating is out of the question.

If your wife is interested only in the sex, that can be had together as a couple, with a couple, or even with singles, if you do it together.

Both the above replies are right-on. You need to talk to each other.

We think it would be a rare marriage counselor who could be objective in a question of swinging.

Alura

[Handyman69]

I'm also behind ATAK and 4sum,

Lot of communication needs to be done to find out where you both stand. As the statement "she will make sure that her relationship with him is nothing more than sex", has me wondering how does she really feel about him. Sit down and talk things over.

Swinging, I least for me, has been great, but my realtionship with my husband is strong when dealing with trust. There is no jealousy, and if there was we would put it to rest or swinging would stop. To me, swinging is mutual fun, not only one. Cheating isn't swinging.

Good luck....

Rhonda

[BiloxiCouple]

Alot of GOOD advice here. It's cheating not swinging.

[C@YWMI]

Sorry Sunfighter, The only thing I agree with all the advise that was given to you, is that your wife cheated on you and you should get a marriage counselor. You have some serious marrriage problems here. I would get that under control before I even brought up the subject of swinging. In my opinion get a marriage counselor first if it works out. Then I would procede with fantasy and spice in my life.

[OhioCouple]

Everyone's advice has been right on target. Swinging is not the answer to the problems in your marriage, nor is it a label that can be used to justify cheating or help to save your marriage. (I know some will disagree with me on that.)

Swingers are not cheaters, and cheaters are not swingers. There are no if's, and's, but's, or maybe's here. Your wife had an affair with another man. Pure and simple. By doing so without your knowledge, it is cheating.

Perhaps some questions that you need to ask yourself is how do YOU feel about her having had sex with another man? How do YOU feel about the fact that this went on behind your back? How do YOU feel about sending your wife out knowing that she is going to have sex with someone other than yourself?

My personal opinion is that I wouldn't think to highly of myself to admit to an adultureous affair and then ask my husband to allow me to continue it, with his blessing, because I liked the sex. Actually I wouldn't have the guts or be foolish enough to even attempt that strategy.

I agree about seeking some counseling and getting your own marriage and each of your priorities in check before either of you stray from your own marital bed again.

Lori

[JustAskJulie]

There's a big difference between swinging and cheating. If you ask me, she is asking permission to CHEAT.

[gtj-fun]

I agree with Ohiocouple and everyone else above who has said cheating is cheating (hence the name ). I do not think it is likely to be a good entry point into the swinging lifestyle (tho' I've heard of stranger relationships working!). Like most swingers we've talked to, our start came from sharing fantasies and discussing the idea to proceeding cautiously - starting from a position of strong trust and love. Even so, there have been times both of us have experienced discomfort and/or jealousy. How much more likely is this to be a real problem when one person has already shown they will cheat - indeed, it sounds like she intends to do so, but wants you to assuage her feelings of guilt by giving her permission. What is her response if you say no? It is fair, and maybe even a good idea to ask how she would feel about you "getting some" on the side without her being a part of it?
In any case, IMHO, some serious discussion, maybe even marriage counselling, would seem to be in order, coupled with some time being committed and true to each other before playing around can be added to the mix in your marriage.
There's my 2 bits, - take it for what it's worth

couple2playwith

[ATAK]

gtj-fun, This is your first post, yet you signed up October 2001? That's going a long time without saying anything. hehehe.

HI!

[Additude]

How do you feel about it? What do you want to do?

Are you inclined to allow her promiscuity or not?

To answer your question better you need to let us know how you feel.

[Fatcat_Lynx]

You can always get you a female swinging partner and have sex with her.........or ask her to let you watch them have sex.....but either way you look at it she has cheated....I know a lot of men who like to watch there wives have sex with other men.......but that is just and option....you have to make the choice on this one....Lynx