Lust/ Swinging / Cheating

[JustAskJulie]

Ok, something that came up in the A Little Wierd topic in the Help Forum brought a question to my mind.

Several people mentioned that perhaps the person in this topic wanted to have sex with this other person "too much".

I guess the way I saw it was that we all run into people that we "lust" after. There is some sort of chemistry between the two of you and the only way to make it go away is to have sex. Once you'v had sex, then everything is cool and in most cases the desire to have sex again is gone and you can just be friends or move on do whatever.

Basically, it's not an emotional thing, it's strictly a chemistry/sexual thing.

Am I the only one who has run into this?

Do you guys see this as "wanting someone too much"? When you have this sort of "lust" for someone does it border on cheating?

[ciscosv]

I can't say this is cheating to me. It would turn me on if there was someone that my wife lusted after. She got turned on over a picture of some guys behind. She gets hot on when I tell her who turns me on.

Cheating to me is crossing the line without your spouse knowing.

Lust is something we all have to deal with.

[C&D]

I don't think it's cheating. Lust is natural. I don't care who you are or what you may tell others, everyone has a little lust for someone. Some just choose to act on it and be open with their spouses while others keep it to themselves.

It's when you act on it and are not open with your spouse is where the cheating comes into play.

Dave

[incommunicado]

I don't see it as cheating, but I DEFINITELY see it as wanting someone too much.
It's not about them being a threat to the relationship, either. It's about losing site, on some level, of the relationship as the primary focus for swinging. My wife calls swinging "the human toy chest," and extra partners are our sex toys. We "use them" to bring each other pleasure. When another man enters my wife, that's ME making love to her in the most generous fashion imaginable. The same is true when I am with another woman. As soon as the lust for someone becomes so great that you are scheming to be with that person, the relationship ceases to be the priority. It stops being about giving to each other and becomes about taking for yourself.

At it's heart, it's not supposed to be about "Whoo hoo! I get to fuck other people! Thanks honey, see you later!" It's supposed to ber a gift to each other.

Also, you said

I guess the way I saw it was that we all run into people that we "lust" after. There is some sort of chemistry between the two of you and the only way to make it go away is to have sex. Once you'v had sex, then everything is cool and in most cases the desire to have sex again is gone and you can just be friends or move on do whatever.

I disagree. Often, people with a strong sexual attraction for one another begin an intense, ongoing sexual relationship that takes on a life of its own. She could end up having what is, essentially, an affair.

Again, I suggest all good things in moderation. If someone wants it that bad, it might not be a healthy thing.

[OhioCouple]

I don't see it as cheating, but I DEFINITELY see it as wanting someone too much.
It's not about them being a threat to the relationship, either. It's about losing site, on some level, of the relationship as the primary focus for swinging.

Here here, to everything you stated, not just what is in quotations. Very well stated. You put into words my exact feelings.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

Often, people with a strong sexual attraction for one another begin an intense, ongoing sexual relationship that takes on a life of its own. She could end up have what is, essentially, an affair.

Again, I suggest all good things in moderation. If someone wants it that bad, it might not be a healthy thing.

Ditto and double ditto...(if there is such a thing.)

Lori

[L&K]

I think lust is a danger zone , this has been tested here all ready , it was a false reading on the wifes part but she felt i was really hooked on a lady , i did indeed have a nice evening with the lady in question and when asked told her i would certanily spend time with this couple again .

S wanted to pull the plug on that couple completely , i didnt argue the point at all , this made her feel different about it all . It was clear she thought i was major in " lust " and that was a no no . I think i may respond the same way if i thought she was getting hooked on another guy , or lust as you put it .

Now the second part of the question , " have you ever been in lust " yes i have some 25 years ago , i wanted in my girls friends pants in the worse way , took me 6 months to get there , by then we had both fell head over heals in love , oh by the way , im reffering to my wife S

as for being in lust since , NO i cant say i have . I see several ladies in passing that i think , oh ya that would be fun , but that is not lust that is being a man .

M

[OhioCouple]

I think lust is a danger zone

Ditto. There is a major difference betweetn lust and attraction.

Lori

[JustAskJulie]

I disagree. Often, people with a strong sexual attraction for one another begin an intense, ongoing sexual relationship that takes on a life of its own. She could end up have what is, essentially, an affair.

Again, I suggest all good things in moderation. If someone wants it that bad, it might not be a healthy thing.

I have to disagree here. I think it can be more dangerous if that lust isn't taken care of. IE. if they don't fuck their brains out and get it out of their system.

I have dealt with many a guy who has had a major jones for me that only screwing me would cure. Unforunately in all too many of those cases I wasn't interested. That being said, we tried to be friends with these guys but usually it was very obvious that their mind was in one place and the more they wanted to fulfill that fantasy the more what originally started as lust turned into infatuation. Eventually it just gets creepy and you have to seperate yourself from that. So I can see it being the same case if that lust is on both sides and it's not satisfied.

Granted, the two people could develop a deeper relationship, but they could just as easily in any swinging situation.

I'm not saying that the pair here should go off and leave their partners sitting at hoem while they satisfy their desires (hell let the partners be there and be part of it or not... it's really up the couple). All I'm saying is that it it's simply a sexual thing, get it out of your system and move on.

[JustAskJulie]

Now the second part of the question , " have you ever been in lust " yes i have some 25 years ago , i wanted in my girls friends pants in the worse way , took me 6 months to get there , by then we had both fell head over heals in love

Thus my point about not just getting it out of your system. Granted in this particular case that was not a bad thing. But if you are married and have some sexual chemistry with someone else it is probably best to get it out of your system.

Just to clarify when I'm referring to lust, what I am talking about is simple sexual chemistry. There doesn't have to be any mental chemistry, you don't even have to like the person. But there is definately sexual chemistry.

Best example I can give is from my own single days. I was working in the mall and there was a guy who worked at another store. He was friends with one of the guys I worked with so he spent a lot of time in my store. When he would come in we would flirt a bit but it was obviously not the kind of flirting two people do when they are interested in dating, it was just the kind of flirting people do when they want to touch each other. This went on for several months as we saw each other at work as well as parties at my friends place. My friend and this other guy both lived in the same apt. complex and throughout the summer my friend would have BBQ's and pool parties and we would all just hang out. Finally, one day both myself and the other guy got off work earlier than the rest of the crew so I decided to go over and use the pool since he would be around. We played in the pool a bit before one of us finally made a move (I can't remember who). Long story short we ended up back at his apt screwing our brains out. We actually broke his bed. The sex was great. Once it was all over tho, neither of us really had any interest in doing it again. The sexual tension between us was gone. We continued to hang out with our group of friends and I ended up dating another one of the guys in the group.

I have had this happen in other cases as well, maybe it's just me (and a case of "the fun is in the chase") maybe it's not. But hopefully that better explains what I'm talking about in regards to lust (at least for this topic).

[sexypairca]

Just to clarify when I'm referring to lust, what I am talking about is simple sexual chemistry. There doesn't have to be any mental chemistry, you don't even have to like the person. But there is definately sexual chemistry.

I have had this happen in other cases as well, maybe it's just me (and a case of "the fun is in the chase") maybe it's not. But hopefully that better explains what I'm talking about in regards to lust (at least for this topic).

I understand exactly what you are refering to. Sometimes you find it in the strangest places, someone that you probably otherwise would never have talked to let alone played with. I think that pure sexual chemistry is just one of those things that cannot be created, nor denied .

Annette

[L&K]

I have to hold my position here , lust is a danger zone to me .

If both parties are in lust that can be messy , if it is one person lusting after another to bad , some well placed words will end it im sure of that .

I dont know if it was lust by i have been pursued pretty hard in the past , i found a few words from S ended it pretty fast . This was prior to getting into the life style and some years ago , now days i may come home and find my slef set up instead .

Of course i dont get pursued now like i did at say age 25

M

[Quin]

Being single, lust takes on a whole new definition for myself than it would someone who is in a commited relationship such as marriage. Being single, I'm free to pursue whatever lustful thoughts I have about someone. And what happens is probably just as much true for a married person as it is for me, the single person.

I have found, over the years, that the part of lust that makes it excitable is the *chase*, the tease, the flirting, the sexual tension between people. Many times, once the deed is done, it's done, over with and I move on (many times the deed is NOT near as fun as the chase, the tease, etc). There's a much higher level of excitement in the actual chase, the flirting, the sexual tension that there isn't in the conquest.

For instance, there is a couple within my circle that I have never been with but yet we flirt and tease each other outrageously every chance we get. One other member of the circle once said to this couple and myself, 'Do it already!!' To which the woman of this couple responded, 'What and ruin our fun?' That about summed it up perfectly. Many times, the events before are much more intense and fun than the actual *deed*.

Quin

[OhioCouple]

...lust is a danger zone to me .

Different words mean differnt things to each individual. Lust IS a danger zone for me. Anyone I have ever lusted after, I have ended up in a serious relationship with.

I have been attracted and sexually aroused by other people, but not lusted after them. Lust for me encompasses an entire being. I will lust after their mind and their character, as well as their body. I can be attracted to the above traits and quite aroused by them, but not lust for them.

If I were to lust after someone in the sense that I have described, I would have to take two steps back and remove myself from that person or situation if I am in a committed reltionship.

Chances are, if I am lusting after a person in that fashion, I am headed for serious trouble.

Lori

[JustAskJulie]

Being single, lust takes on a whole new definition for myself than it would someone who is in a commited relationship such as marriage. Being single, I'm free to pursue whatever lustful thoughts I have about someone. And what happens is probably just as much true for a married person as it is for me, the single person.

I have found, over the years, that the part of lust that makes it excitable is the *chase*, the tease, the flirting, the sexual tension between people. Many times, once the deed is done, it's done, over with and I move on (many times the deed is NOT near as fun as the chase, the tease, etc). There's a much higher level of excitement in the actual chase, the flirting, the sexual tension that there isn't in the conquest.

For instance, there is a couple within my circle that I have never been with but yet we flirt and tease each other outrageously every chance we get. One other member of the circle once said to this couple and myself, 'Do it already!!' To which the woman of this couple responded, 'What and ruin our fun?' That about summed it up perfectly. Many times, the events before are much more intense and fun than the actual *deed*.

Quin

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!