Cheated then lied. sorry so long

[Confused In PA]

About a year and a half ago we started talking about swinging. She had previous experience I did not.

We read the forums, checked out some sites (AFF/Swing Lifestyle) talked a little more and decided to post an ad . After many replys we decided to meet with one of the men who caught her eye. We met for dinner, talked for awhile and went our separate ways. On the way home and during some play time I asked her what she thought and her reply was "I'm not sure about him" and I responded that I wasn't sure either. WE agreed that he wouldn't be for us so I sent an e-mail to him explaining thanks but no thanks. I thought that was the end of it.

Flash forward to yesterday and during some play time talk she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested. They met at a hotel and played leaving me completely unaware.

So basically I'm furious, embarrassed, have very low self esteem right now because I was played for a fool. Needless to say all of this has caused some major problems between us. Since the initial ad post and what I thought was our mutual agreement the idea of swinging was never brought up. Most likely never will be again from where I'm at.

I am not sure what to do or where to go from here. Can I ever really trust her again?

[cubnamy1995]

I would feel the same way as you. This is why communication is so important. What was her explanation? Was it a misunderstanding?

[ShellyM]

OP, that was NOT swinging. It was what we call CHEATING. I understand why you are furious, and in my opinion you have every right to be hurt, furious, angry, and just upset. That was not swinging, no matter what she may call it. Its called cheating. I would suggest you stop swinging and seek counseling with a professional if you want to continue in the relationship.
Best of luck to you,
Shelly

[VegasLee]

I personally believe it is time to delete all of your "swinging" ads and no more spending time even thinking about Swinging.

You two have things to work out and I promise you that Swinging is not one of them.

You being able to trust her will be between you and her but at the moment this has to be about you two and no one else involved.

Swinging does not fix things and will rip a relationship apart real fast if things are not right.

Good luck to you.

[Confused In PA]

Thanks for all the replies. As I said, as of last year we did not discuss swinging at all. It's too early to tell but I'm not sure she's worth the effort. I guess I should have payed a little more attention to the information I was reading and took to heart what everyone has said about the single males. What was supposed to be something for US turned out to be something for him and her.

I guess I am one of those unlucky guys who's attempt at living out a fantasy created a very bad reality.

[VegasLee]

Couple of things.

First, you married her so there must be something that you like about her so I would say it is worth it. Take the time and make things right. Turning tail and running at the first sign of peoples does not make for much of a relationship.

Also, don't take to heart what some say about single guys. The single guy did not cause this problem for you. There are many great single guys, we have been playing with them for years and have never had one try to get in the middle of our relationship.

Time to deal with your spouse, that is where your problem lies. There is always two sides to each story and I am betting she feels she has a reason for what she did also.

Don't just listen to her, HEAR her and find out what you both need to do to make things right. Betting it will be worth it.

Good Luck.

[Chicup]

Were that Mrs. Chicup I'm not sure she would be Mrs. Chicup any longer.

Thats not heat of the moment human lust but a a premeditated liaison behind your back and then covered up with a lie.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Also, don't take to heart what some say about single guys. The single guy did not cause this problem for you. There are many great single guys, we have been playing with them for years and have never had one try to get in the middle of our relationship.

Just want to interject that I absolutely agree with this. The single guy was WRONG, yes. He should have said you are married, I will need to talk with your husband to make sure that this is okay. But I have talked to couples that play with cheating hubbies knowing they are cheating...we were told that "its not our problem"...don't agree. However, SHE is the one married and the ultimate responsibility fell on her hands. I agree that the buck should not be passed onto the single man here. She emailed the guy behind her husband's back and initiated this mess.
Shelly

[sereneiders]

I am with Vegas Lee here.

Even when we only hear one of the bells, we often cannot avoid putting ourselves in the OP shoes, adding logs to the fire as if everithing else that wasn't told were matching our personal background.

It calls my attention the way she told you she had this meeting... she wasn't taking a deffensive, guilty aproach, but she told you this in bed. It seems to me she didn't expected this reaction from you, and this leads me to ask... why?. Because at some point you have to do with that why.

Obviously there was a lack of communication here, one that misslead both of you into expect the opposite from what happened, and this seems to be a shared responsibility.

I believe we lack several pieces of this puzzle as to become judgamental towards the wife.

[ShellyM]

Perhaps you are right. You probably are right, this is why I said for them to seek counseling. I think that all thoughts of swinging should be halted completely, but he said that this was done already. I think marital counseling is in order. You know, I just can't buy the entire mis-communication thing though. If this was a mis-understanding than it was HUGE. I don't know, and I do not pretend to be a licensed counselor. But I think that she needs to be aware that when you have sex with another person without your spouse knowing about it you are opening up all kinds of issues. I'm not saying to leave her OP, I don't think I relayed anything like that. I'm saying seek counseling with a trained professional and begin to rebuild your trust. BUT. She needs to understand that having sex with people when your spouse is unaware is just not okay behavior as well. This is why so many couples are we both play or we don't play, just so misunderstandings such as this do not happen.
Shelly

[fun4Ds]

confused, i agree with every one here but, just courious

how long have you been married?

[Confused In PA]

We've been together 13 years and have had the same problems that all couples have. Perhaps this is her way of telling me it's not working.

In addition to the obvious advice has anyone had experience talking to a psychologist about a situation like this? I am not feeling so good about myself since this happened and know for sure that I need to talk to someone about how I feel. I can't sleep, can't eat and work is becoming very difficult. I can talk to her but that won't be enough.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Confused, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

Originally Posted by Confused In PA

About a year and a half ago we started talking about swinging. She had previous experience I did not.

She was the one with the experience. She should have known that going behind your back is not swinging.

Originally Posted by Confused In PA

WE agreed that he wouldn't be for us so I sent an e-mail to him explaining thanks but no thanks. I thought that was the end of it. ...... she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested. They met at a hotel and played leaving me completely unaware.

This is ALL on her. This is her doing, she initiated this.

We've had MFM's with a few single guys. We are clear that we are always together, no exceptions (don't even think you're getting alone with me). The men we've met with were crystal clear on it and crossed no boundaries. (MFM with a single guy can work out great when everyone's on the same page.)

Originally Posted by Confused In PA

Flash forward to yesterday and during some play time talk she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested.

It sounds like she actually may have believed that you'd be turned-on and pleased with her actions. It boggles my mind! But, maybe in her past life as a swinger, this is what her ex swing-partner just happened to be into??? It has a name: Hotwife, Hotwifing, etc. (she goes off on her own pursuits, she tells him about it, it turns him on.) I can't comprehend being this out of touch with my husband, to not realize that in our relationship, this would be cheating and deceit (as it would be to the majority of us here on this board). But, the setting/timing in which she told you does make me think she was clueless about how you'd feel.

Originally Posted by Confused In PA

In addition to the obvious advice has anyone had experience talking to a psychologist about a situation like this? I am not feeling so good about myself since this happened and know for sure that I need to talk to someone about how I feel. I can't sleep, can't eat and work is becoming very difficult. I can talk to her but that won't be enough.

Please do go and see someone right away. I haven't been to a psychologist (let alone in a situation like yours), but Mr. Tybee has. His first wife cheated on him (in the old-fashioned way; they weren't swingers), having carried on an affair behind his back for some time. As the marriage was falling apart, he was left feeling devoid of self-esteem, really hurt and confused. He has told me that although he only went for a handful of sessions, it helped him tremendously.

Only because it seems that your wife may have made a monumentally stupid mistake and had a stupendous lack of judgment (thinking this would actually turn you on/be okay), I'd give her a chance to explain herself. Go for help for yourself, but also, ask her the big WHY question, which is what we are all wondering here.

I really wish you all of the best. Hugs!!!!!

[SouthBond]

We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging. Thirteen years is a long time to just flush. If you have been talking about swinging. Emailing people about swinging. Meeting people about swinging. She has had previous experiences. You have been building up an anticipation of having sex with another person. She was ready for action. She was hot to trot. Give her the benefit of doubt and give her another chance. You have been talking about her having sex with other people. She just got a little ahead you. If she continues to play games, dump her. We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by SouthBond

We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging. Thirteen years is a long time to just flush. If you have been talking about swinging. Emailing people about swinging. Meeting people about swinging. She has had previous experiences. You have been building up an anticipation of having sex with another person. She was ready for action. She was hot to trot. Give her the benefit of doubt and give her another chance. You have been talking about her having sex with other people. She just got a little ahead you. If she continues to play games, dump her. We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

I don't agree, she cheated in a premeditated fashion and lied about it. She has a lot of s'plaining to do. I'd personally be extremely angry with my wife if she did anything like that and I can't say what I'd do from there.

We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

I can't speak for the poster, but I can state that in 16 years together I've never cheated on my wife. I know if I did she would be devastated.