My boyfriend and I started swinging with our single neighbor, and they cheated on me

[MozzyQ]

I need some advice or maybe just someone to understand me. here's my story....
i met my fiance about 1 1/2 yr. ago and he fell for me instantly, i did not. we started dating, i making it clear that i did not want to commit to him and that i just wanted to have fun with him. i liked him but i just wasnt ready for a relationship of any sort. finally, we have sex all nite long, we were drunk and it was very passionate, but i still wanted to be single. that night we were interupted by a friend of his, my fiance passed out and i ended up talking to the friend for a while and we ended up having sex for all of 10 min. this happened 3 times altogether,another time with a friend of ours that we had swung with a few times with his girlfriend and later with another guy that we knew at party. so we started the relationship off pretty rocky, it took me a few months to fall in love with him where as it was instantly for him.
then i became pregnant, we moved in to an apartment together and we were very happy. by this time he had experienced how fun swinging can be with that couple of who i cheated only with the guy, and sort of became obsessed with the whole subject. our sexlife was alive but barely because of the pregnancy. so we decided to spice it up, me mainly trying to please him because i didnt feel like i was satisfying him sexually. we had recently met up with an old single friend that we both knew separately before me and my boyfriend met, so we hit it off with him great and the friend had confessed to me that he had a crush on me. i told my fiance and we decided to have a threesome with him. we did it and never saw much of him again after that. then a couple of months go by and our current neighbor moves in. we talked to her a few times and my fiance jokes around about how fun it would be to fool around with our neighbor. by now, im 8 months pregnant and miserable, our sexlife is almost nonexistant and my self esteem is at an all time low. because of this i decide that the only thing i could do to please him is to allow him to have sex with our neighbor, not to mention alittle curiosity on my part. i consented to them doing it by themselves because i obviously couldnt participate and thought i could handle it. afterall she, in my opinion, was non threatening physically and i didnt think he would enjoy himself tremendously. i was wrong, he enjoyed it almost tooo much, and even though it upset me and i told him how i felt about it i let him do it again. i started resenting her too because it obviously meant more to her than just casual sex too. then i give birth to our son and she has the nerve to stay the nite with him and i in the hospital, they slept on a little cot cuddled up together while i stared at them all night in pain physically and mentally, during this time i had started to build up alot of anger and resentment toward the both of them, all the while feeling like i dug my own grave because they had my permission those two times. my fiance constantly had to reassure me that nothing was going on between them and that he loved me and only me. i still couldnt get passed the feeling that it was something more. but after i recoverd from the birth, and i had calmed down a bit, we decided to have a threesome, then a few weeks later we had a foursome(2 guys and 2 girls) and then another foursome a few weeks after that( same ratio)all with my neighbor and another guy involved. all the while im still feeling like ive done this all to myself, allowed myself to be hurt and not have any reason to be upset with the two of them. there were countless conversations of them trying to reassure me that it wasnt "like that" at all. that i had no reason to be paranoid, that it was just fun sex and no emotion. but i couldnt believe them and i was beating myself up inside, it all blew up in our faces and ended with a huge fight and me not wanting to speak to our neighbor ever again and trying to salvage our relationship. during those few months that went by, we grew closer and i felt more secure with him. then i started to get over my hatred of her and started being friends again. i thought all of those irrational feelings were due to the pregnancy and that my hormones were crazy after the pregnancy. my fiance had been fantasizing about how much it turned him on if he could see me with a guy, he had seen it twice before but i think he was feeling guilty because he had more than his fair share of being able to do another girl (our neighbor). but because we dont really have any single guy friends it wasnt going to happen any time soon, so i thought it would be fun for once if we could have a threesome with our neighbor and me not have an issue about it. we did it twice with her, and i felt fine, then i got my period and i decided to let them do it while i just watched, that did it, all those insecure feelings, anger and hurt came rushing back, and i told my fiance i just cant handle it, and he agreed that we should never do anything with her again, he didnt want to see me go through all that pain again. a few days later we got into a conversation about it, just like we would many times before and i flat out asked him if he cheated on me with her, he did. he told me that he cheated on me once when i was pregnant after i had allowed them to sleep together, and about 5 times after i had our son. i feel completely betrayed by him and her, they led me to believe that my jealousies and suspicions were all unfounded and that i should calm down and relax, all while they had an affair. she had so much nerve to stay at the hospital that nite. ill never forget that. it took me soo long to recover from emotions i had that i thought were all in my head and now they have validity. i dont know what to think or do, im in such shock that i dont know how to feel about them. somebody help me. when i asked him why he did it, he said alot of it had to do with my cheating in the beginning and the fact that i was accusing him of cheating with her in the beginning so he might as well. do two wrongs make a right? did my actions in the beginning, eventhough i made it clear to him that i didnt want a serious relationship, make it ok for him to have an all out affair when i had obviously committed myself to him fully and loved him? what should i do? how should i feel? is it all my fault because of my actions in the beginning and allowing him to sleep with her?

[ATAK]

While I am very new to the boards, I'd like to say that it's possible that you both may have some unresolved issues with each other. It seems to me that the two of you need to be exactly on the same page when it comes to allowing anyone in your bedroom, male or female. If you had any reservations about it at any time and voiced them, your partner should have listened and backed off immediately and not tried to "convince' you that everything's ok. It's been said previously on this board in other threads that the pace of swinging should be set by the slowest member of the group so that everyone's comfortable with what's going on.

I am the father of four kids and in my experience, times when my partner was pregnant was some of the best sex a man could ever have! The fact that he went elsewhere for sex during that time, certainly could have a negative affect on a woman's self esteem. Perhaps you dropped the ball by not communicating exactly how you felt about it and giving them permission to have sex. Anytime either of you are uncomfortable, it should be brought up and discussed to the satisfaction of both of you. You shouldn't be convinced, cohersed, or otherwise led into a situation that you are uncomfortable in.

As far as his admitted affair goes. I personally feel that 2 wrongs don't make a right. You slept with 3 (if I read the story right) other guys in the beginning of the relationship, while there was no committment feelings from you. That does not give him a "Get laid for free" card to cash in anytime he feels like it IMO.

I feel like you've both made some serious errors in judgement regarding other people in your sexual activities. If you love each other, maybe it's time to have a heart to heart with each other and re-evaluate your situation. If your love is strong, then you both need to know exactly how the other feels and work together to make each other happy. This is not about you or him, but about you both. Maybe swinging is for you, maybe it's not. It depends on the strength of your relationship, and the clarity of communication between you. I hope you both can come to a happy medium with this.

My 2 Cents,
ATAK

BTW, that's a Hell-acious first post. LOL Drop by the introductions topic and tell us all Hi. Let us know a little about yourself.

[OhioCouple]

Wow MozzyQ,

Your posting cleary shows signs of confusion and distress.

In addition to everything that ATAK said, which I fully agree with, there are several other factors at play here.

You met merely a year and a half ago, you are in a new relationship, there has been some cheating, swinging, pregnancy, moving in together, jealousy, guilt, a new baby, lying, arguing.....and that is what I can recall off the top of my head.

A couple of these factors alone are enough to say "WHOA!" And call a major halt to everything but you, your fiance and your child.

I feel you need to concentrate on just yourselves with no outside parties involved in the bedroom. You have hardly had time to get to know each other much less your baby. If you want your relationship to work with your fiance and discover if you can build an intimate relationship with each other, you need to forget about swinging for the time being.

Something that bothers me is that based on what you have written, I can only assume your child is about 6 months of age at best. Children as young as a few weeks old can sense when something isn't quite right with their caretakers. If there is this much confusion now, what is your child sensing? I am not saying that you are bad parents, but the frustrtation that you are both feeling between you has got to be having an effect on your child, not just the two of you. You have a little one to think about now also.

Please take a deep breath and stop all swinging activities and work on your relationship. When you are both secure in your own relationship, then perhaps you can explore swinging in the way it was meant to be.

Best wishes for you all,

Lori

[4sum]

I'll second Lori's Wow!

Red Flag City!!!

First of all if you didn't love the guy (at the time), why did you decide to get pregnant (was it a mutual decision)?

Second of all, why did you feel obligated to give him permission to do something you knew you didn't feel comfortable with.

Two wrongs don't make a right and especially in this situation, because if they do, then the gloves are off and anyone can do anything and justify it on retribution for acts of the other party (See Hatfields v McCoys or even more contemporary Palestine v Israel).

The worst thing you can do at this point is engage in a game of emotional smash-mouth.

One thing I'm wondering is her going to the hospital when you gave birth suggests that there is some bond beyond just a casual friendship. Is this bond with him exclusively or with you as well? Is there a relationship here that you're not seeing in its true context?

And finally...a question for both of you. What do you want your relationship to be like (Perfect End State)? What are you willing to do to get there?

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by marriedwet
We've really had a hard time understanding just what you are trying to say.

What you read marriedwet was a young lady that needed some advice. Yes, it was a difficult read, but that is no reason to discount her plea for advice. It is obvious she is in a state of turmoil and quite frankly I might have done the same if I were in her shoes, in the same manner.

I don't think it is appropriate to post on the thread that she needed a new life many moons ago, when you could have offered some alternative suggestive measures to help her. Let's not drag folks down when they already are at wits end. Ok?

Just my humble opinion.

Lori

[Gwendolyn]

Try your relationship without anyone else involved. I feel that the only relationships that should have swinging involved are ones that are solid. If there is any kind of insecurities involved it will only make them worse. You two should step back, take a look at each other and take care of yourselves and the baby. When you get that figured out then possibly come back. If you have problems with your nieghboor don't ever let her back in. There will otherwise always be some nagging thing in the back of your mind.

Good Luck

[OhioCouple]

Boston,

That is probably one of the best posts that I have ever read when offering suggestions in a difficult situation and probably some of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard or seen given.

You certainly are a woman of mystery and many talents.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by marriedwet
We just wish folks would take the time to consider how much this kind of thing can & WILL change their lives & not just do it for kicks.

Very well said. Too often people do think it is just for kicks, without considering the consequences to themselves and others. What I have learned is that swinging is an enhancement to my life, not a replacement or something to fill a void. At least that is my understanding and what makes it work so wonderfully in our marriage.


Lori

[ATAK]

Well, we've had our say and opinions about this topic since MozzyQ wrote it, but I'd like very much to know if any of this has helped. Has the situation changed? If so, for the better or worse? Without seeming like I'm prying into anyone's private life, I'd like to know if any of our thoughts and suggestions have helped the situation? Or is it still too early to tell? Again, I'm not looking for specifics here, just a general idea if these thoughts have been useful to you...

ATAK

[JustAskJulie]

I think the biggest issue here has been a major lack of communication. From the sounds of it no one ever really expressed their real feelings about anything. And it almost sounds like there was never a real relationship here at all... that the engagement came most likely because of the pregnancy and short of that you had little desire for a committment to this person.

At this point as Boston put it so well, it is too late to think about blame. The only thing you can focus on at this point is moving on, in whatever direction you deem best for yourself. If you do choose to continue in this relationship, I highly suggest doing so as a two-some and not involving any future swinging in your relationship. You need a very strong relationship together before you even consider swinging... unfortunately I don't think the two of you ever really developed that relationship from the start. Also, I would suggest getting into marriage counseling to help you both to learn how to communicate your feelings with each other. This is something you may want to consider regardless of whether or not you wish to keep the relationship going. You have a child together now so you will always be in each others lives, and because of that you need to be able to communicate with each other.

[Additude]

You made the bed, now you have to sleep in it.

Either get out of the relationship and start a normal one with someone else or stay in the relationship and put up with it. Those are your two choices.

You are not going to change this relationship. Unless you change yourself you are not going to be able to have another, different, relationship.

My advise is get out of this relationship, change yourself and find a new man to live your new, changed life with.

[MozzyQ]

Thank you all soo much for your advice!! I understand what I wrote was a difficult read. But, this relationship has gone on for almost 2 years now and alot has happened. I tried to put as much detail in it as possible so that anyone who read it could make sense of our situation, which can also lead to alot of confusion....

We have had a major turning point in our relationship since I posted. I dont want anyone to get the wrong impression of us. Our relationship did move very fast, and i did fall in love with him before i got pregnant. We communicate very well....but in this situation we really fucked up.

We both sat down and talked everything out and we are ready to put the past behind us. I love this man and I can clearly see that he loves me and our life together. We agree that there will be no swinging until much later down the road.

We're getting married in June, about 2 weeks after our 2nd anniversary together and our son's 1st birthday.

Thanks again for the insite, MozzyQ and Fixating

[MozzyQ]

I also had a long talk with my neighbor and she was very remorseful and apologetic for what she did. We are friends but I don't see us ever being very close. She was lonely and depressed when this all happened and we all learned alot from this experience.

[OhioCouple]

MozzyQ,

Thank you for coming back in and updating us! I am so happy that you have things moving in the right direction and we certainly wish you all the best and happiness in the world!

Please don't be a stranger around here. We look forward to hearing more from you in the future!

Lori and (Gene) of OhioCouple

[Flori_DAMAN]

Thanks for sharing.

I am recently single again and even though I have no S/O, for my own sanity I have decided to wait until my head is really screwed on tight before I even consider a relationship again let alone a swinging one.

The sexual experience is of course intense when we cross the lines of normal however it must be well thought out and the first thing that a couple should do is decide why and how they will indulge in this extra-marital fun.

Any ole swinger will tell you that first you make rules, then you play. You stick to the rules and try to make them as all-inclusive as possible without making it a law book.

The successfull swingers never swing unless there relationship is as close to rock solid as they expect it to be.

It sounds like you crossed the line here in a few areas but I am glad that you managed to admit your love and use that as a basis to re-construct your relationship. There is another person involved now and that little giggler is the first thing you will consider whenever you make any signifigant decisions from now on.

I wish you happiness and a long and enjoyable life together bringing up the next generation.

John.