need advice on situation re cheating?/swinging SO

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by empowered

he denied, denied, denied!!! Took a while for him to catch on that that wasnt getting him anywhere. Then rationalized. then minimized, tried to bargain...I'm sure he's going through some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings at this point.

Brava! I'm really impressed at the way you've broken down the whole conversation like this. It's a sad thing to watch, isn't it? You have to sit and wonder why the hell people do this to themselves. If they'd just be honest and do the right thing in the first place, they wouldn't have to feel like a lousy shit of a person.

Please keep us updated.

[lovinher]

Clearly, though the guy is self-defined as a swinger, he's really not.
He's a Player, with all the connotations implied with that.

Exactly! I'm sure he will make somebody miserable someday.

Good for you for taking control of the situation and it's much better you found out now rather than later. I don't think you will have any problem continuing in the lifestyle if you choose. You sound like you have the right attitude and expectations.
Be true to yourself and everything falls into place eventually.

[want2knowmore]

I just wanted to say "Good Job" All thoug I don't swing (yet?) I will not cheat either. But in my life I have known girls/women who decide to stay and make it work. Few suceed. And some I have help move out and on.

It is never an easy choice to end a relationship. This is why I think some decide to "stick it out".

I like, and respect emotionally strong women.

Best wishes.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by empowered

I finally had the opportunity to discuss with him. Sadly, he denied, denied, denied!!! Took a while for him to catch on that that wasnt getting him anywhere. Then rationalized. then minimized, tried to bargain. Then started to really get the gravity of it all. He's shocked that i found his profile to begin with, and i believe he is getting just a little bit paranoid.

This guy doesn't have a clue what it means to be in a relationship based on trust, honesty, openness and respect. You definitely deserve better! Best wishes with everything.

[WildMainePussy]

YOU certainly deserve someone who does care about you more than his pecker. So sorry you had to find out by stumbling on stuff in the computer - but he is probably on more than just one swing site and may be using several names and email accounts to hide behind as well.

Sounds like you've decided to grab the suitcase and leave the rubbish behind.
Too bad you can't hear me applauding but I am.

It's fine to be in agreement once a stable relationship is established that a little bit of swing will make life interesting provided it's all above board and it's done TOGETHER. The bond between two committed people (who have the understanding that if one ain't happy, it ain't happenin') has to be strong one to even consider inviting others or jumping into their beds. I have a standing agreement with my partner....we hunt together and he's content he wouldn't have to sneak around then.

As far as suggestions on moving out while he's away...hum "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Garfunkel...I did. I left the key on the kitchen table after the moving van was packed, change of address cards handed to the postie and headed to Florida for a couple of weeks to get my head straight. Take only what you need, it's a great way to unclutter your life at the same time. Enjoy the freedom!

[daisy girl]

Originally Posted by Lovethenights

If you cruise the Forum and read the pertinent posts, I think you'll find out that his behavior is routinely condemned by those in the lifestyle. Honesty and trustworthiness are highly prized and necessary elements in a relationship that sucedes in the lifestyle. The best result for a couple inthe lifestyle is that their activities bring them closer together and foster a deeper and more oen communication. All that he has done is prove not everyone is ready for such a deep and intimate relationship. His lying and hiding behaviors are signs of his inability to act responsibly and in your best interest. It's not my position to advise you, but the likelihood he is the kind of man you'd really want to end up with is small. "Is this common in the lifestyle?' you asked. It may happen, but if it's known about, most lifestyle couples will avoid the couple like the plague once they find out.

Well Said...

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Never be a man's doormat. You gave him everything he wanted, a sexually open relationship and he still hid his actions. You deserve better.

[apraskov]

He is an idiot not to appreciate what he have (had). He will probably realize that when his future wife takes the house and the kids and kick him out. Best wishes to you. You deserve better.

[funfun31]

Well, let's see. He's lying to you. He's lying to others. He's doing this behind your back. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....
This is why we don;t play with anyone who plays without their SO's knowledge. There is a clear line between cheating/adultery. We've had more than one woman who was in this situation try to swing with us and we explained to them the differecne between swinging and adultery, and that we don;t play with adulterers. The way I look at this is: if your own mate can't trust you, why should we? Swinging requires a certain amount of trust with the people you are playing with. If you are willing to willfully violate the trust that the person you married (or have some sort of commitment/agreement with), we (as basically strangers) sure as hell can't trust you.

[funfun31]

Originally Posted by empowered

...though the guy is self-defined as a swinger, he's really not. ...He's a Player

Exactly! He's not a swinger. He's a player who uses swingers as a means to get laid. A very low lifeform, indeed. I'm glad you arrived to the conclusion that you did and didn;t choose to excuse his behavior or rationalize it, or somehow fin another way to enable him to keep deceiving everyone (including himself). When I see ppl on Swing Lifestyle with certs from ppl like this, or who (even worse) give certs to people like this, it just turns my stomach. I lose respect for all parties involved. Everyone knows how bad it feels to be lied to; to be cheated on. Why would anyone help someone do that to someone else? I'm sorry.... honesty and openness are sexy. Liars are not.

[yourbitterpill]

Empowered-

He's a slimeball masquerading as a "swinger".

True "swingers" put their primary relationship first (whether that be an LTR, marriage, partnership, etc.), above all else. I'm sure, in his mind, his cheating was somehow rationalized (it always is with cheaters) because you agreed it would be okay to have an open relationship. True "swingers" establish boundaries and ALWAYS make honesty and open communication essential to their primary relationship. He failed to do any of that.

As Dan Savage says.....DTMFA. You deserve better.