Activities with cheating men. Thoughts?

[LetsParty]

Hi All!

I haven’t posted here in a while, but we just met a couple last night, who had a slightly different take on the Lifestyle, and I was curious about your thoughts.

They do some “cheat and greets” now and again. They may meet a couple and each go out alone with the other’s spouse. Or she may meet another guy, have some fun, and come home and tell the husband, etc. Him, too, on occasion.

That’s all fine and dandy – hotwife… whatever it’s called.

But here is where it gets a bit bizarre:

The “hot wife” often sleeps with married men who are cheating on their own wives. These are also men in her everyday, vanilla world. A colleague from the same company; trainer from the gym; old friend; business networking group, etc.

All these guys are married and cheating.

My partner and I are never ones to judge others. We always believed the more open people are with sex, the Lifestyle, open-marriages, fetishes, honesty, etc. etc. the better.

We’ve always said that the Lifestyle is not just about sex. Sex is the result of honesty, communication, open-mindedness, etc. I know you all understand, but the average vanilla may not.

The woman kept telling us, “It’s not MY sin!”; “I’M not lying!”; “That’s the GUY’s problem!”… And the husband kinda laughed at it.

I dunno.

Are we turning old-fashioned and prude?

Or is there really just something “unlifestyle-esque” about doing it with these cheating men from the community. It’s not that we looked at this woman and “lost respect” for her… but, Hmmm… as open-minded as we are, these people have WIVES sitting at home, thinking their husbands are at business meetings.

What do you think?

I understand that not all lifestylers have occasional separate activities, and to each his or her own. I’m not one to judge and say whether or not that enhances or detracts from a marriage. It’s going off with married, cheating men that kinda make my partner and I look at each other and go “gulp.”

I am so curious to hear your opinions!

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by LetsParty

My partner and I are never ones to judge others.

This debate has been had before - and I think where the problem always comes up is right here... If you have a problem with cheaters in the lifestyle, you are supposedly "judging" them.

I have a couple of problems with that.

1. How is that "judging"? Isn't it simply being intellectually honest about what is going on? To "judge" is to say that it is wrong - which is hard to say. If you've never been in a bad marriage, it is not easy to relate to people who are. I have sympathy for people who are in loveless marriages - but, still, cheating is cheating - whether they do it out of desperation or maliciousness.

2. Whether it is wrong for them - a thing it is tough to know without knowing their situation - it IS wrong for us. That is not judgment - that is discernment. We are responsible for what is right and wrong for us as a couple. I don't know or understand the problems that would lead a person to cheat - I just know I don't want those problems brought into - or brushed against - my marriage.

Originally Posted by LetsParty

The woman kept telling us, “It’s not MY sin!”; “I’M not lying!”; “That’s the GUY’s problem!”… And the husband kinda laughed at it.

It’s not that we looked at this woman and “lost respect” for her… but, Hmmm… as open-minded as we are, these people have WIVES sitting at home, thinking their husbands are at business meetings.

Her only "sin" is potentially being a home wrecker...

Yes - there is a wife sitting at home - maybe children. Being an accomplice, she is giving these men the opportunity to hurt a lot of people in their life. No - it probably won't ever bite her in the ass, but what a selfish bitch...

But - let's look at her from an angle of "potential playmate".

She does not care what consequences her playmates might face. "That's the GUY's problem". If she is that callous towards them, it would stand to reason that she could be that callous with you. I would trust a person like this about as much as I would trust a scorpion sitting on my chest...

Swinging is better with people who actually give a shit about the lives they come in intimate contact with.

Spoomonkey

[MrsVan]

Wow! What a selfish lady (using nice terms here ) MrVan and I have ran into couples who are comfortable going on "seperate dates" in the lifestyle and I guess for us as long as they are in agreement of what is going on, then that is okay. However, the people that we know that do this are usually going on seperate dates with the same couple...So for this wife to have sex with men who she knows either in or out of the lifestyle whose wives do not know of this, is wrong. And as Spoo said, she is a homewrecker..And I hate homewreckers. She obviously does not care for anything other than getting her booty call answered. Therefore, if she does not have the respect for the people she is playing with then I do not think I would want to be involved with such a person. I want to know that the people we play with care about the relationship that is there, the marriage that I have with my husband and respect that. Granted these men who are doing this without their wives knowing are doing this to themselves, but I do not understand her concept....

I would think this is a way they participate in the lifestyle but I think she has taken it a step further as far as "cheating."

I look forward to hearing what everyone else has to say.

MrsVan

[The Fuse]

In my opinion, many people who play the "don't be judgmental" card are really saying that they want carte blanche to do whatever they want, no matter the consequences for someone else, and not be thought of badly for doing it.

The whole "judge not, lest thee be judged" thing needs to be looked at critically. Yes, it needs to be judged.

Accusing someone of being judgmental tends to produce a knee-jerk reaction, like accusing them of doing something "politically incorrect"... I like to think about whether things are correct, rather than politically correct.

If we didn't ever judge peoples' actions, anyone could do nasty things to others and not suffer peoples' disdain. If we always judged peoples' actions, we'd never get anything done and our lives would be poisoned by constant sniping.

The answer is that there is a middle ground, a line to be drawn. Everyone must find that line for themselves. What criteria do we use? There are many. My favorite is the Golden Rule. More generally, do my actions have negative consequences for someone else?

Is it bad that I have a house that's way too big for two people? Is it bad that I take long showers and use lots of heat and water? Is it bad that we use fresh water and chemicals for our lawn? "Yes" is the answer to all three of those questions and others. My actions have indirect consequences for others. But I draw the line somewhere past those actions on the "wrong" scale. They are wrong, but I don't change them. Others may judge me for them.

Your friends are well aware that their actions enable someone to do things which will have bad consequences for them... worse if the wronged wives find out. Just because the husbands' actions are worse than your friends' actions doesn't mean they get off the hook. Because of what your friends do, bad things can happen. Bad enough that they are on the wrong side of the line.

I don't see anything wrong with "judging" their actions... in fact, not doing so is abdicating responsibility, which is what they themselves are doing. They are asking you to throw in with them, to validate them, by not caring about the consequences of their actions to others.

Why do people fall for this? Seriously, why do they?

No one has to tell your friends they're going to Hell or anything... just that what they are doing can hurt others. I'm not a Christian, but I do believe you can love someone and still dislike some things that they do. Sometimes we turn a blind eye. Sometimes we shouldn't.

[des1re06]

Having had men contact me on the internet and ask if we can play because their wives don't want sex, I always respond that if their wife calls me and gives permission, it's okay. They tend to move on after that. Otherwise, I would never knowingly play with a married man who was cheating.

To me, there's a big difference between consenting adults playing together (ie. swinging) and cheating.


Mrs. D

[VegasLee]

You not wanting to play with a cheating husband is not judging them at all.

Just because someone else does something does not mean it is for you or that you want to do it.

Laura and I do not knowingly play with cheating husbands but we have found out later about someone being a cheating husband that we did play with. If he wants to be a cheating husband that is his business but it does not mean we desire to be involved. Same as we are not into BDSM, not our thing but we don't judge those that are into it.

You stated this Lifestyle is about honesty. To us that means honesty by and for all involved and whether the cheating husband knows it or not his wife he is cheating on is involved. Goes for the ladies also. We see "married" women show up at the club without their husbands. Some have said he is not into this so she goes it alone without telling him. Personally, we don't go there.

[LetsParty]

So far, I am glad to see so many people share our view about getting involved (playing) with dishonest/lying/cheating men. My wife is still sleeping (LOL!) but I am looking forward to showing her these, and further, responses.

I think I should have stayed away from the "to judge or not to judge" theme. I am glad the thread isn't drifting too far, though! I think the word "judge" is a bit harsh.

I just wonder if anyone else were to approach a couple in a bar/club/online, and the woman said, "Oh, yeah, we have fun doing our own thing, too, sometimes. As a matter of fact, my last three adventures have all been with cheating, married men, in the community!"

...is there anyone here who would “look unfavorably at such a woman or couple”?

THAT is a better way to phrase it, rather than using the “J” word!

It's funny, because I am totally okay when I meet Lifestylers; bisexuals; homosexuals; people living in sin; poly couples... but there is just something that makes us go, "yikes!" when a woman is playing with a partner who has a wife and kids at home.

Looking forward to more thoughts!

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by LetsParty

...is there anyone here who would “look unfavorably at such a woman or couple”?

To each their own, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could through her (if she were tied to an upright piano and had just eaten a meal of lead beans...)

If she doesn't care about the marriage and problems of a cheating man, why would she care about mine?

Spoomonkey

[NakedInSeattle]

I'm not "judging" - I'm just stating a fact. Swinging, if it be a crime, is a victimless one. Cheating, on the other hand, does have victims - spouses, children, and the saddest victim, trust. We won't be a party to that. No way, no how.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by LetsParty

They may meet a couple and each go out alone with the other’s spouse. Or she may meet another guy, have some fun, and come home and tell the husband, etc. Him, too, on occasion.

Up to this point, this wouldn't bother us about them (open marriage).

Originally Posted by LetsParty

The “hot wife” often sleeps with married men who are cheating on their own wives. These are also men in her everyday, vanilla world. A colleague from the same company; trainer from the gym; old friend; business networking group, etc.
....
The woman kept telling us, “It’s not MY sin!”; “I’M not lying!”; “That’s the GUY’s problem!”… And the husband kinda laughed at it.

Are we turning old-fashioned and prude?

If you're a prude, then so are we. People with no compassion at all for the lied-to, cheated-on spouse (and probably also kids) sitting home alone, while hubby/daddy's out taking care of "business", just leave my blood running cold.

Originally Posted by LetsParty

It’s not that we looked at this woman and “lost respect” for her… but, Hmmm… as open-minded as we are, these people have WIVES sitting at home, thinking their husbands are at business meetings.

What do you think? ... I am so curious to hear your opinions!

I'd have lost respect for her. I don't even know her, or her husband who just laughs about it, and I already have.

[meandher2go]

we have had a few cheaters (men and women) and our thought on it is, we cant or wont change anyones mind, so why bother trying. we dont police other peoples lives. we are NOT the marraige police. If we find a cheater who happens to float our boats, we feel they are a match, we meet with them and see where it goes.

it might not be right, but its how we feel.

[Irishsakura]

Cheating spouses are a TOTAL turn off for me. I'm a single female in this lifestyle for one reason and that involves sex with BOTH wife and husband. I can understand scheduling conflicts but if there is anything that turns me off the most is that I am participating in an act of deception.
Nothing turns me on more (well, there is one other thing) then for a loving married couple willing to share part of themselves with me and allow me to feed on their nectar. I don't mean to get corny but talk about tasting the sweet juices of love!
Cheating is such a mean thing to do. And I HATE meanies!

Actions like this causes nothing but destruction and I seriously don't understand how sex could be pleasurable knowing that.

[LetsParty]

Wow!

So far the score is about 9 to 1 in favor of kickin' that homewreckin' lifestyler to the curb!

LOL!

Great thread so far. Thanks everyone!...

[spectraschain]

If we find a cheater who happens to float our boats, we feel they are a match, we meet with them and see where it goes.

We concur. Unpopular as it may be.

We have long since surrendered any moral highground pertaining to the judgement of others........and would ask the same in return.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by meandher2go

we are NOT the marraige police.

You police your own marriage, right?

Why allow potential drama into your own marriage?

Seems a little silly - maybe even irresponsible - to me...

Spoomonkey