Husband played with female friend after I said not to

[transplantdbrit]

Hello everyone. I'm new to the board, but not the lifestyle. My hubby and I have been swinging off and on for about 10 years. It has always been a wonderful experience for both of us. That is until now. We have always had our rules firmly put down, and neither of us broke any of them. Not even stretched them to be honest. You know, same room, full swap okay, singles okay...yadda yadda yadda. For us absolutely no secrecy. Always together and involved. Unfortunately this has now changed.

A couple of weeks ago my husband made a huge mistake with a girlfriend of mine that we had had some fun with numerous times before. Now, we have taken a break from male partners or couples because we are/were trying to add to our family. I did become pregnant, but unfortunately lost the pregnancy at just shy of 6 weeks. The miscarriage happened on Monday two weeks ago. My girlfriend came over to hold my hand while I cried and to let me blather on and try to feel better. That night we were sitting on our bed and I had another good cry with my hubby and girlfriend present. I had taken a RX pain pill and it knocked me out after that. We're talking a tornado couldn't have woken me! Unfortunately sometime around 2am my husband and my girlfriend had sex in my bed with me out like a light. To make matters worse, no condom was used and she was ovulating. Now, we also have the condom rule in our swinging (before anyone asks).

The next morning I actually said thank you to my hubby for understanding my feelings and not doing anything last night. How foolish I feel right now!!! Honestly, I did make myself very clear where I stood as far as fun went, especially on that particular night considering what had happened. My husband didn't bother to say anything to me about his activities. Three days went by and I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. She told me like it was some big joke. The "oh gee..hahaha...I thought he would have had sense enough to pull out". I asked her to please clarify what she was telling me. She did and I was completely stunned. So much so that I actually fell down. So not only did they have no regard for my feelings about losing the baby, they risked her becoming pregnant. I have no idea how I am supposed to feel right now. Sometimes I think I'm okay and can get through this. Other times I want to scream. You see, the reason we are having such a difficult time having a baby is because I am a cancer survivor. It's a miracle I was able to become pregnant in the first place. I guess I felt the loss more than he did. Her period is due this week. If she is expecting, I think I might actually go crazy. Please help me...someone...anyone! I don't care if you have to tell me to do a back-bend and say buddhist chants. I will take any and all advice to heart. Thanks in advance and I'm sorry this is so darn long.

[prettylady]

I am sooo sorry for your lose and the betrayal you have just endured.
I have no words or wisdom for you. I am sure someone will be able to give you some comfort.
Have you spoke to your husband, told him how you feel about what happened. I would, if I were in this situation, want to know what in gods name was going through his and your gf head. That was just a really stupid thing to do.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[The Fuse]

This is an awful thing to have happened between you and your husband at this time. And even though your girlfriend is involved, ultimately it's still between you and your husband (unless she's pregnant, which we hope is not the case).

It sounds like there's a lot of love, trust and communication there at almost all times, so hopefully this huge mistake (your phrasing and it sounds appropriate) will be an isolated one. I'm going to assume that normally, your husband and your girlfriend have your best interests at heart and wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt you.

You have both suffered a terrible loss. You had lost a baby and were grieving. He was grieving. You were both vulnerable, which I'm betting is a big factor here. Your girlfriend was there for you and for him, and has been a sex partner in the past. Everyone was weary, and you were unconscious from pain medicine. Your husband made three huge mistakes, not just one. He had sex with her, he didn't use a condom, and then he didn't tell you about it afterwards. Absolutely unacceptable.

Have you talked about it with him? Found out how, in his mind, he made it okay when it happened? People do have lapses in judgment, and sometimes they are as big as buildings. I know I've had several. When grief is so raw, I'm sure it's tough to resist sex as comfort. When emotions are so heightened, it would be easy to ignore the need for a condom. None of this would make it okay. But it might help make your world a little more sane.

I think part of what makes the betrayal of a loved one so hard to deal with is the feeling that your world isn't built on what you thought it was. What do you hold on to? What's real? If these mistakes are really something you can trust won't happen again, and your husband is really who you think he is, then you can still lean on the things you've built up to this point.

This happened two weeks ago, and you found out a few days later. What's happened since then? Your husband should be working harder than ever to help you get over this betrayal that occurred at what seems like the worst possible time, on top of losing your pregnancy. He should be proposing ways to make sure you can trust him.

Back-bends and Buddist chants won't help. Figuring out how this happened might help... but having a plan going forward and being able to trust and rely on your husband will help most of all. Until you find out if your girlfriend is pregnant, this should be your focus.

Good luck and please let us know what happens.

[transplantdbrit]

Thank you so much for your kind words. To answer a question both of you have asked, yes I have spoken to my husband about it. His reply to not telling me was that he felt very badly at what he had done. Evidently he actually left our bed once the deed was concluded and didn't come back to sleep. I honestly believe him and that fact that it was just a mistake that isn't likely to ever happen again. Unfortunately, it seems my gf may indeed be expecting. Her period is due to start Thursday, but she has been feeling very green for a couple of days now. There are other symptoms of pg as well. I'm nervous and seem to be unable to just move past this right now. Thursday can't get here fast enough! I told her to go the the store and get one of those early (5 days before your period) tests. She is going to but she has said that she is fairly sure she already knows what the result will be, as she already has one child. Honestly, the timing was just too perfect. If she is the woman to give him a child and not me, what the hell do I do? I could not continue my marriage and I know this. The insult would be too great. Could somone please smack me up-side of my head and make me cheer up a tad? My husband has not been reacting very well to my emotions. There have been some very ugly words between us. I have never felt this way, and now I understand why the little green-headed monster can be so strong. Jealousy was never a part of my nature before now and it is throwing me for a loop.

[subtoMistressT]

No one needs to smack you upside your head, sounds like you are doing that to yourself already. I am sorry for your loss and hope that all goes well for your situation. I would say it is time to take a break from everything and sit back, relax, take a few deep breaths. And by all means, communicate, communicate, communicate with each other.

[LikeMinds321]

I'm going to speak up when I think a new person with a false, first-post story shows up on the Board.

There are so many holes in this cheesy soap opera story.

People sometimes sign on to the Swingers Board on a day they are bored and looking for a good laugh at the expense of the great SB members who are ready to offer help and advice.

I don't like seeing this happen.

LM

[transplantdbrit]

OMG! I can't believe you are actually considering that I have made this up! Yes I stay at home and take care of things, no I am not bored and needing to fill up the time in my day. The entire reason I posted to this particular forum was because it was the one that came up on Google. As far as my lifestyle and the subjects that arise from it, I figured that many like-minded couples would have some wise advice for me in my current situation. Thank you very much for your input, but you are very wrong indeed. Now, if you don't mind...have you any constructive advice for me?

[tribbles]

Sorry about your loss.

And sorry you aren't even paying attention that it is NOT your loss alone. Your hubby lost too. His dreams died as well. So you have a g/f over and her and DH are there for you. After you crash, he is still hurting from the loss.

I think it hurt him way more than you realize and need to wake up to that.

It made HIM vulnerable to breaking all your rules and acting out with your g/f. Why the hell didn't SHE demand a condom? Why did she allow the sex between them? You seem mad at him but not at her.

I suggest you really find out from your DH what he is thinking, what he wants and how he hopes to proceed.

Maybe he wants to be with you but also does want a child. You have the chance to give him that child....by letting him be a daddy to the child he may have fathered with your friend.

Find a counselor who is swinger/poly friendly and all three of you need to go. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is getting good remarks on other boards I go to.

I know this isn't the 'normal' way to answer this but I've found all the 'stinking' thinking people do about their needs vs their partners to really screw people up.

Get a book by Albert Ellis, PhD and work on it.

Good Luck

[transplantdbrit]

Good point. I had actually thought of that. I realize it isn't conventional, but it might work. I'll pick up that book you suggested and have a good read. It will give me more productive food for thought. Thanks for everything.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by transplantdbrit

OMG! I can't believe you are actually considering that I have made this up!

I don't blame likeminds.

Ok so you have a miscarriage, and with a pregnant wife I know how devastating that would be.

Then he has unprotected sex with your friend who isn't on birth control and doesn't even pull out while you are drugged.

Then she laughs about him not pulling out?

Now she seems to be pregnant?

And you are worried about being jealous?

You will have to understand why such stories seem to bring a touch of disbelief on the internet. It sounds far more suited for Jerry Springer.

So maybe this is true, and if it is my condolences on your loss and your impending divorce, but the bs meter is pretty high on this one.

[SuAndBud]

Oh get real guys.



and: :christmas

To the Original Poster:

Get a life.

'scuse me Admin....can we have a "Get a life" smilie sent up?

Thanks.

[blondie77]

Okay, I realize most of you have been here a lot longer than I have and I don't normally get involved with things like this....but seriously...even if the OP is a troll...waht if she isn't? What if...what IF this situation is really happening to her? This is a person who is obviously hurting and just asked for help. I thought this board was supposed to help people, to give advice, to offer assistance. If it turns out to be a troll, well, so be it. But perhaps by treating it like it's real, you might actually have the opportunity to help someone who IS going through something similar. I'm sorry to ramble on, but this really hit a nerve with me. I don't like to see people ganged up on, and the story doesn't sound that unbeliveable to me, soap opera or not. I think telling someone who comes in with a problem to get a life isn't very tactful or nice. Troll or not, it makes other posters like me wary of posting very often for fear of getting flamed. Just my opinon.

[blueguitar]

Originally Posted by blondie77

Okay, I realize most of you have been here a lot longer than I have and I don't normally get involved with things like this....but seriously...even if the OP is a troll...waht if she isn't? What if...what IF this situation is really happening to her? This is a person who is obviously hurting and just asked for help. I thought this board was supposed to help people, to give advice, to offer assistance. If it turns out to be a troll, well, so be it. But perhaps by treating it like it's real, you might actually have the opportunity to help someone who IS going through something similar. I'm sorry to ramble on, but this really hit a nerve with me. I don't like to see people ganged up on, and the story doesn't sound that unbeliveable to me, soap opera or not. I think telling someone who comes in with a problem to get a life isn't very tactful or nice. Troll or not, it makes other posters like me wary of posting very often for fear of getting flamed. Just my opinon.

DITTO!!! I am new to this board too, and I have felt secure in knowing that people will give me real feedback, and respect what I have to say (unless I act disrespectfully). Even if this person was making this up, and I have no place to say whether she is or not, I think it is callous and insensitive to both the OP and others reading the post, who may or may not be in hard to believe situations. One of my good friends was telling me the other day about something that happened to her on the bus on the way home from work. She was sitting there next to this man, with his two kids. The guy was totally out of it, zoned out, messy, and not paying attention to his kids. The kids were being loud and kind of a pain. She wanted to ask the guy to quiet his kids down a bit, but decided it wasn't that big of a deal. The kids came over to her and were playing a little close to her, at which point the dad asked the kids to come play near him, and quiet down a little. Then he turns to her and say, I am really sorry I wasn't watching them closer, we just came from the hospital, their mother just died. She gave her condolences, and got off at her stop. Moral of the story (for her) was that people have no business assuming ANYTHING about another person. You just never know what someone else has gone through, or is going through. It may sound fake, it may even be fake. But, for her (and I), to be a good human being means giving support and advice where it is asked for. If it is a fake situation, and you give support and love and kind words, you may lose a bit of your time, but someone will take consolation in your words even if it isn't the intended. perhaps you will persuade the prankster through your kind words not to act that way anymore. Either way, you don't lose anything.

I don't mean to lecture, but I just wanted to stand up for this woman, be she real or a fake. Someone out there is going through a situation like hers, and they may look here for advice. Do you want to present an unwelcoming, closed, hurtful face to those that come here for help?

Okay, steping down from my soap box now. :whiteflag :whiteflag lets love each other (not to sound cliche) instead of contributing to intolerance and hate.

[SuAndBud]

To Blondie and Blue,

Your comments and thoughts echo my (Bud's) own precisely at the time I was new to this and other boards and I respect your stance on this.

I, too, hate to see people being "ganged-up" upon (unless it's in a horny concept - lol). I have seen this happen to what I'd consider genuine Posters on both this and other boards, I believe I have been the victim of board-bullies myself (it's not a comfortable situation). On one occasion, I was privately (not publicly, on the forum, you note) actually asked to cancel my membership of a board if I were not prepared to either support the majority view or at least shut up on a particular subject. All I and Su had been doing was offering our opinion on that topic. We had not purported our opinion to be fact but had made it clear that it was simply our opinion. This was still not enough for other board members and the board's Admin, it was a case of "if you're not with us then you must be against us" attitudes prevailing. Bullying and ganging-up on people is not nice and is very cowardly.

But, when you've been reading the board for a longer period of times, it gets easier to spot a "Troll".

The simple solution, one would assume is to ignore that thread and that is exactly what is often done.

However, the Trolls' motives are known only to the Trolls. Mostly it appears to seek to promote discord within the board. Sometimes it may be to raise a discussion based upon a theoretical (though unreal) situation, the Troll might genuinely believe that help and support is being made to someone who MIGHT at some point face the fantasy situation that has been raised. This makes the Trolls feel good about themselves. Your own responses that, whether real or not, what harm is there in assuming it to be true and engaging in discussions with the Troll/OP used to be in full agreement with my own. I couldn't see the harm in it at first. The reason I now believe it's wrong includes (but is not exclusive to) the following:

The board and it's members are not here to make a Troll (or anyone else, for that matter) "feel good about themselves". It's also a pretty patronising and superior stance that the Troll is adopting in second-guessing that someone who might really be in the described situation is incapable of seeking their own advice and help on the matter. That's not to say that members of the board can't reassure someone and help them feel good about themselves if they have a problem or a perception that blinds them to reality (like when you got that pimple on your chin the day of your Prom and no-one else could see it but to you it seemed to glow in the dark and appeared to be the size of a basketball when you looked in the mirror). Many of us need occasional reassuring that we're not wrong or weird or wicked or undesireable or whatever (especially if a member of The Lifestyle). The board members here can be extremely good in helping people who have no-one else to turn to at such times.

You are both right to say that the OP might be genuine.

But in this case, I'm pretty sure that's not the case. This isn't a court of law. Neither guilt nor innocence can be proven (just as well, really, cuz OJ is innocent - right?) .
The reason that responses to a Troll thread is described as "feeding" is because, like a Troll, the more it is fed - the hungrier it gets.

It consumes the time (such as mine now, well done Troll ) of board members that could be better spent helping genuine posters (or even washing the dishes) or maybe even having fun - now there's a notion!.

The Troll story gets progressively wilder whilst the Troll "strokes" the ego of those respondents who either haven't spotted the BS or are willing to give the benefit of the doubt, in order to elicit their support. This can often lead to the "discussion" becoming an "argument" and can cause rifts between board members and sides being taken. It's not pretty when that happens and it's not healthy for the board and it's members, either. Many Trolls "out" themselves as such at the moment of their choosing. When they get bored or when they realise that their game is nearly up. At this point the Trolls slither back into their cave, exhaulted by their "victory" and intoxicated on their "intellectual superiority", but simply pathetic to all but themselves.

However good the intentions (even the intentions of the Troll, initially) and however well-thought out and considered the advice of those who tried to help solve the poor Trolls "dilemna", those who did try to help are left feeling foolish and can become reluctant to offer future help, lest they are going to end up feeling used and foolish again (now that can't be a good thing......Can it?).

Got no time for Trolls, but found it quite cathartic to get that lot off my chest (thanks Troll ).

I would like to hope that for me this subject is now closed but doubtless the Troll has once again got it's way and bickering will shortly break-out beween the Boardies.

Finally:

In the unlikely event that this is not a Troll thread (and indeed that OJ is innocent) or if despite it being a Troll thread, there is anyone who is genuinely suffering from this or a similar dilemna, believe it or not you have my sincere and genuine sympathy and I wish I had the ken to offer some words of comfort and advice. I don't, though, except to say the guy's a dick - as is your "friend" (but in mitigation, who shares a bed with your swing partner/s and then expects temptations not to occur)?

Sincerely, Bud.

[lovinher]

Wow! I can't believe some of the responses here. Why is this story so hard to believe? It may be a troll, it may not but why so quick to make that call? All you have to do is read some of the threads in here to realize people do stupid, cruel and unbelievable things all the time. Wouldn't it have been better to give the OP a chance to respond a little more and then make your decision? I mean this person wasn't really given the chance. Swingers of all people shouldnt be so quick to judge. Isn't this what some accuse the vanilla world of doing in regards to swingers? Save the speech in how swingers are just like everybody else. We already know they are.

When I first started coming to this site I had all kinds of "out there" questions. Things like scenarios, what if this and what if that. I held back because of things like this. I now know I'm better off trying to find my answers on previous posts which is NOT a good thing for this site. Without new questions and scenarios this site will go nowhere and stagnate with the same out shit over and over. I used to think swingers were more open minded than the population in general. I now know they just as close minded, judgemental, and condescending the rest of the world and in many cases worse. They only difference is swingers like to fuck people other than their SO.

So now I imagine a newbie reading the responses here and not posting a question or situation because they are worried they will be hammered as the OP here was.
Even if this was a troll the way it was handled was wrong because now we will probably never know.