Is it wrong to play with a Married man??

[Roundstic]

We met a man for an MFM we never mentioned in our ad about someone being single or not married! As we were new to it, we just never thought about it but after doing it two times with him during weekdays as he could NEVER get together on weekends, no phone #'s given, very private couldn't meet near where he said he was from etc, initially we HONESTLY thought he worked at a bar so weekends were off but after thinking about it are we being wrong about doing it with a married man is it wrong for us or should we just ignore it as he is very good and gives us what we want and need? If any of you have any info about doing it with a married man for a MFM it would be appreciated. Is it being wrong to his wife as we know now he is married ?
Thanks

[Alura]

We like married men for partners, probably because they seem more "skilled." But we would not include a married man whose wife was unaware.

We're not moralists and would not decide what is right or wrong for you. "No human has the right to tell another what to do." — Standing Elk of the Lakota

But whjy would one put up with the stealth and underhandness? ...the knowledge that if he lies to his wife, it's likely he lies to you, too? ...the knowledge that a lovely encounter could be interrupted by gunfire?

(Oklahoma is a "concealed-carry" state. Y'all'd be surprised how many wives pack shootin' irons in their purses.)

Mr. Alura

[intuition897]

We do have a problem, personally, with playing with a married-but-sneaking person. I don't care how good he or she is; turning a blind eye to his or her behaviour just to get what we want doesn't sit well with us. As Alura said, it's not my place to tell anyone else what to do, what is or is not right for them. All I can do is refuse to be involved in someone else's negative behaviour, refuse to encourage it or enable them to continue it. Beyond that, all I will do is explain why I would choose to not do so.

So...why are we uncomfotable with it? Because we have striven to build a marriage based on absolute honesty, integrity, self-accountiblity, responsibility, trust, kindness, courtesy...all the things that this other person's values fly in the face of. To accommodate their cowardice just because it is convenient for us is to cheapen what we have worked so hard to build. It's all for nothing if we don't stand behind what we believe! Why should such honesty be of absolute necessity in our marriage, yet unnecessary in the marriages of others? We feel that every marriage deserves to be respected the way we respect ours...even if the people in it do not respect it themselves. It really has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with doing what is right for us.

If it were us, I have no doubt: we would quit him as soon as we found out, and we would let him know exactly why. He'd be totally pissed off and indignant that we were so "high and mighty". But he's the one who feels it's necessary to lie and sneak around. We don't. The only reason we are discrete is because it would severely disturb others to learn about our lifestyle choice. I don't want to impose on anyone in that way. Therefore we bite our tongues, although we'd dearly love to give our honest opinions of certain things.

[flkeyscouple]

Originally Posted by intuition897

The only reason we are discrete is because it would severely disturb others to learn about our lifestyle choice. I don't want to impose on anyone in that way. Therefore we bite our tongues, although we'd dearly love to give our honest opinions of certain things.

Very well said, intuition - in it's entirety!

Sarah

[cpl2doitwithu]

We won't knowingly play with a cheater, male or female.
Two reasons:

Mrs. C's first husband was banging the babysitter (and anyone else who would let him). Once even in their bed while she was at the hospital delivering their third child. Sorry ... I know, this is not the place to vent.
It did work out well for us in the long run though!

Second, we don't want to be in the middle of any potentially dangerous drama when the spouse finds out.

We don't judge those that do play with cheaters (some of our friends do) but it is just something we won't do.

[JustAskJulie]

This is really something you have to decide for yourself. You will get many opinions here as to what others think is right or wrong but in the end you have to decide what is right and wrong for you.

The questions to ask yourself...
Do you feel comfortable knowing that this guy is cheating on his wife?
Do you want to continue to deal with working around his needs for where and when?
Do you want to take the chance of what may happen should his wife find out? Do you want to answer her questions?
How would you feel if you were in her shoes? If roles were reversed what you would want you to do?

[spectraschain]

My, the view must be wonderful atop the moral highground...

We are pretty sure we surrendered that lofty peak many moons ago....

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by spectraschain

My, the view must be wonderful atop the moral highground...

We are pretty sure we surrendered that lofty peak many moons ago....

OMG, here we go. "Morality Police" and all that shit. :rollseyes Call me what you like, we "ROSE ABOVE" the drama and bullshit of cheating when we took up swinging. And now, think of me how you will, we DO look down on it. Swinging and cheating are polar opposites...in my opinion. I realize I can't change anyone else's minds about that, as I said. All I can do is state my position on the matter. I personally feel morally compromised by playing with a cheater. So, as a matter of respecting myself, my husband, and everything we've worked to acheive, we wouldn't do it. And we have always done what we could to ensure that we weren't suckered into it, either. After all, if a cheater isn't above lying to his/her spouse, what makes us think he/she has any problem lying to us about important things...like...oh...STDs for example? A cheater is a liar. We can't respect that. We can't have fun with people we can't respect. End of freakin' story.

[MoonLightKiss]

Well said Intuition. We agree with EVERYTHING. Like you, for us, cheating and lying is a big fat no-no, hence the fact that we swing open and honestly. It has nothing to do with which peak of the "morality mountain" anyone likes to sit on. Early on in our marraige, cheating did happen. We know the hurt and pain that ALWAYS accompanies it, so we too stay far away from it. But its just like you said Intuition, if they will lie to the spouse about thier actions, then they are very capable of lying to us about STD's and anything else. Not to mention the drama that can ensue when the wife finds out. And make no mistake, the spouse always finds out, or has enough of a suspicion they go digging.

However, to the OP, Julie is right. You have to ask yourself what you are comfortable with. Some swingers find it okay to be with married people. Others don't. Each do so for their own reasons. You have to search your own concience and decide for yourself what you are okay with. What we do is our choice, just like what you do will be your choice. Best of luck to you.
MLK

[flkeyscouple]

Dito to MLK and Intuition! Very well said and I couldn't say it better!

Sarah

[spectraschain]

we "ROSE ABOVE" the drama and bullshit of cheating when we took up swinging.

So are we to assume the viable alternative to "the drama and bullshit of cheating" was swinging...in your case?

[cpl2doitwithu]

Originally Posted by intuition897

A cheater is a liar. We can't respect that. We can't have fun with people we can't respect. End of freakin' story.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by spectraschain

So are we to assume the viable alternative to "the drama and bullshit of cheating" was swinging...in your case?

Whether it was or was not is no one's business but ours. Let's just say I'm not uncomfortable being judged by the same yardstick I judge others by.

[spectraschain]

Let's just say I'm not uncomfortable being judged by the same yardstick I judge others by.

Fair enough.

[Roundstic]

Well after reading the posts it has been an eye opener! We have made the decision to drop him as we don't associate with liars and cheats in other parts of our lifes unless we have to. This we do not, we like the fun and excitment but it must be honest and hassle free for the most part. Besides his wife might be an astronaut..... sorry I just had to put that in before Letterman or Leno make their first crack at love triangle in the news with NASA...
Thanks again all