Found out my boyfriend is married

[WildMiCouple]

Starla, I'd be done with him and move on. Telling his wife is not your problem. And now that you are a member of the club, you'll have access to many true single guys without the baggage

Good luck
Brett

[BiloxiCouple]

Some good advice here.

Just be careful of throwing shit into the fan.

[Mrs.PaganLovers]

Once a liar and cheater, always a liar and cheater. What else has he been lying to you and everyone else about?
You don't need to tell her, karma will get him eventually, and you don't need to be involved in his drama.

By the way.....RUN don't walk!

Most of us in the lifestyle have wonderful loving relationships and this is just icing on the cake, cheating and lying is not tolerated...or needed.

And welcome to the board!

Blessings
Mrs. PL

[MoonLightKiss]

I agree with most of the others. RUN don't walk away from this man. While doing so, if you want to tell him why you are no longer willing to be around him, be polite, but firm when telling him why. No reason at all for you to sink to his level. If he is lying to you about being with his wife, then odds are she does not know. Otherwise, he would not have to lie, but could say, "we have an open/whatever marraige. Please feel free to check with her. I do not want you to think I am cheating." Which is the approach HONEST men would use if they were married and stepping out with permission.

As far as telling the wife. I am with the others. First its not your place, karma will catch up to him eventually. There is no need to start the drama yourself and have yourself dragged into it. Second, regardless of your knowledge on his marital status, the wife more than likely won't believe you when you say you didn't know. Simply because hurt and betrayal does not make for rational thinking. Thirdly, when the wife blows up at the husband, (and she will) he will know it came from you. What then could motivate him to keep your involvement discreet? Nothing. Odds are he makes you out to be the one who seduced him, the tramp, or the slut who is a OMG a member of that nasty little swingers club. Those being his potential words. If he knows where you work, even worse for your reputation. Probably not something you want branded about over the water cooler in the break room at your job. Best thing to do is run away and keep your knowledge to yourself.

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by Randies'

Why do you think that this woman needs to be left in the dark and thought badly of? If you know then she should know. I firmly believe that I would know if Mr. Randies' was doing the cheating thing, so this wife may also know but if she doesn't then she should!! Find a way to get the information to her and stay safe yourself. She and you both need to get away from that man/dog/pig/??.

It is a misconception that telling the wife would be going her good.

People have very weird relationships with each other. I once knew a couple and knew the man was cheating. In fact, he wasn't even that discreet about it -- so other people knew it too. I remember someone asking, "why doesn't someone say something to the wife?" and a friend of hers said, "she really doesn't want to know." The wife was HAPPY with the arrangement -- she decided living as roommates was better than husband and wife. Her requirement was that she didn't want it thrown in her face (which it wasn't), and she didn't want to have to make a life-altering decision (like, "damn -- now that I KNOW for sure, do I stay or do I go?).

Women are NOT stupid. If Mr. Fun were cheating, I'd know it in a new york minute. The question would then become, what do I DO with that information?

NOW -- to the OP -- move away from this guy. He's no good. And what goes around, comes around. Trust me -- he'll get his, in some way, sooner than later. Karma is a funny thing.

[capecoralcouple]

This one is a little personal for me since I had to deal with a cheating spouse.

Where as the others are right in that it is not your responsibility to tell her nor should you want the drama, you should remember it is never our responsibility to help anyone. We should help each other becuase we would like to.

The others are wrong though in that Karma will not catch up with him. Some cheaters just are never caught. It's as simple as that. Some are, some aren't. They are cheaters which by nature means they will not confess freely and will try not to be caught.

My advice to you would be of course to stop seeing this person, but also if you are able, a annonymous letter or message to the wife would be best. I know I may catch hell for suggesting that you get involved, but since my marriage fell apart because of that very reason, I did hold resentment towards those who knew, watched it happen, and turned their heads. Whether or not i have a right to be angry at those people was irrelevant, I was angry and could help feeling cheated by them too.

That's just my 2 cents.

[flkeyscouple]

Great to have you back on the board, Capecoralcouple! You have a great insight to these type of threads since you were a swinging couple, and then the cheating happened. I appreciate your point of view. Thanks for posting!

Sarah

[prettylady]

Something else to concider.
If you told the wife and out of this knowledge her marriage fell apart. could you be ok with that yourself? Does this man have kids, don't remember reading that. Again, if so, do you want to be the reason thier parents split? Can you make this situation ok in your mind. As sweet as some people believe revenge is, it can leave a bitter taste. I understand completly with you capecoralcouple. I too was a spouse who was cheated on. I was angry at all the people who knew about it. But friends are different then the women, who in this case was a victim of the situation as well, Friends and family are suppose to look out for you. It is not this woman's responciblity, our OP leaves this man then I think she did her part for the wife.
Good luck to you.
It seems you have some difficult decisions to make. Be sure you can respect yourself with what ever choice you make. That is what is important here.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[aahours1]

I agree with MR.T on this one. I am a guy also. But liars and cheaters NEVER win and that goes along with the ones they bring with them. If you know his last name look it up in the phone book, give and anonomus phone call to the misses, BLOCK your call *67 and go from there. Ask her a few questions whether she knows he goes to swinging clubs and seeing you. That he has lied to you he is lying to her also. But on the other hand she may know and tells him to go and have fun. I do know a guy and his wife and that is what they have going. If you do not nip this in the bud right now, HE will be lying to you throughout your relationship. And you will have NO trust in him what so ever.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by capecoralcouple

The others are wrong though in that Karma will not catch up with him. Some cheaters just are never caught. It's as simple as that. Some are, some aren't. They are cheaters which by nature means they will not confess freely and will try not to be caught.

Ah, but Karma does catch-up with them, just not in ways they might recognize directly related to their lying and cheating. For example, just because they cheated does not mean they will be cheated on or found out. That may not have the same effect emotionally that it had on their spouse when they found out. Karma will get you where it hurts you the most.

I still say it's better to walk away and let the forces that be take care of the situation.

Mr. WS

[Spoomonkey]

Yay!

Another chance to say what I wish the entire world could here - swinging is not cheating and cheating is not swinging. I realize that cheaters are a part of the lifestyle, as is VD. Both are equally desirable...

You can't dictate who can show up at a swing club and of what moral timber they should be made of. Alternate lifestyles are crawling with vermin - and your boyfriend is part of that scum that gives us all a bad name.

Just get away from him. He is in the process of destroying his life and you've helped him along the way enough.

If I had one wish about the lifestyle, it would be that it was made exclusively of couples who have a strong, honest, communicative, adventuresome marriage.

Spoomonkey

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by capecoralcouple

This one is a little personal for me since I had to deal with a cheating spouse.
...
The others are wrong though in that Karma will not catch up with him. Some cheaters just are never caught. It's as simple as that. Some are, some aren't. They are cheaters which by nature means they will not confess freely and will try not to be caught.

My advice to you would be of course to stop seeing this person, but also if you are able, a annonymous letter or message to the wife would be best. I know I may catch hell for suggesting that you get involved, but since my marriage fell apart because of that very reason, I did hold resentment towards those who knew, watched it happen, and turned their heads. Whether or not i have a right to be angry at those people was irrelevant, I was angry and could help feeling cheated by them too.

That's just my 2 cents.

Well, I don't want to be harsh, but I strongly disagree with you.

First, this doesn't seem to be a little personal, but very personal.

The OP isn't responsible for whatever happend in your marriage. No one else but you and you spouse was responsible, and here I dare to say, not even your spouse lover holds responsibility here.

The OP had a really bad luck so far by meeting this guy, as to attempt to make her feel guilty from being cheated herself, and attempt to make her feel symphaty and responsibility for this guy's wife fate.

An annonymous letter? why shoud she hide being annonimity? perhaps to avoid the drama, or perhaps to avoid being judged by the wife... in any case, this alone means you know there's something wrong about getting her nose in this couple's life.

Now, you may hold resentment to those who witnessed your fate and din't do anything about it... which means, they didn't do what you expected, and here they could be wrong... or your expectations could be wrong as well. And I am serious here, but you should wonder why it took that much for you to find out your spouse was cheating on you. I'd ask you if you're not resented with YOURSELF because of this, and blaming others to avoid facing your share of responsibility for your fate.

As you said "We should help each other becuase we would like to", but an anonymous letter may or may not help, it's like taking a gun and take a blind shoot over your head hoping to hunt a bird. As for this guy's wife, there's anything we can do to help her... but as for YOU, I wouldn't be doing you any favor if I remain silent here.

Because we use to bump over and over against the same stone, and this is painfull unless we learn from our own mistakes. Should you ever face a resembling situation (not necesarily being cheated by your spouse, but any sort of betrayal), would you expect others to make you aware of what's going on, to the point of blaming on them if they don't, or would you expect to learn on how to foresight the danger you have in your path?

Again, I don't want to be harsh, just to call your attention. As we grow older it's harder to blame on others for our fate... mostly because most of the times, we forget about what we blidly did to get our own heads inside the lion's jaw.