Our SM FWB now has a girlfriend - How do we handle this change?

[SuAndBud]

We've swung MFM with a guy (old friend of the family) for around 3 years.

We (Su and Bud) know that he's had the occasional "regular" fling with different girls occasionally during this time and he always gets checked out medically before we meet up again.

We haven't seen each other for around 6 months and in that time he's become attached to a particular lady and she to him. They are skirting the issue of swinging but he feels it's too early to suggest a full meeting either with ourselves or others.

We're due to visit him soon (they have separate apartments) and we usually stay with him with the inevitable menage a trois occurrences.

He wants to keep the status quo and spend sexy time with us (apart from her if necessary) and we'd like to do the same. BUT would this be tantamount to a betrayal on his/our part towards her and how can we spend time with them both knowing that he is having sex with Su behind her back?

We're considering booking a hotel (rather than staying with him) and meeting up with them socially only. If things go well, maybe they will BOTH pop back with us, or us with them, for a night-cap.

We don't want to lose what we've had for the past three years, but we don't want to deceive this lady either.

Also, if and when we do broach the subject of swinging together (assuming she is ready, willing and keen), should she know that we've already engaged in MFM with her boyfriend?

[sexyshelby]

Yes, I think it would be betrayal if she isn't aware. He should inform her of your past relations and explain the situation. Or if he doesn't want to introduce her to swinging yet, then I think it would be wise to get a hotel and not be tempted to jump into bed together. No sense in ruining what the three of you had or the two of them have. Just explain to him that out of respect for his current relationship, you feel it's best to stay in a hotel to allow him some privacy (that sounds better than saying so that he doesn't cheat on her )

And to answer your last question, yes. I would hope that he would tell her of your past. However, I think it's his responsibility to tell her, not yours.

Good luck.

~SS

[BradAndJanet]

Take the honest path. Sometimes it's more difficult, but you already know it's the right thing to do.

Time will tell where this might lead and it will be much better to start off on the right foot.

-B

[Pepper & Drew]

I'm going to get my flame-retardant suit out flamethrow , but I'd let him decide. If the relationship is that important to him, he should tell her and he should be the one to decide when it's time to tell her. Dating someone, in my mind, isn't like being married. I wouldn't out-and-out lie, but I'd follow his lead on how much he'd like to share and when to share it. They may not be exclusive. They may be just enjoying each other's company, but not intensely serious. You don't know the details of their relationship (or at least you don't say if you do). Call me a heel, but we've had a similar situation with a good friend of ours. We consider him to be a very close friend and we have the understanding that he determines how much to tell any girl he dates. It's worked so far.

Pepper

[SuAndBud]

They've already discussed swinging (albeit tentatively) and he says she gets very aroused when they're talking about swapping and sharing partners.

He hasn't told her that he's already got the tee-shirt, though so if he suddenly did, she's likely to feel she's already been deceived.

We've all got "skeletons" and it's perhaps better to let this one lie.

We've met up twice with her already (before they started their relationship) and seem to like each other very much.

Would it perhaps be better if he told her that Su and Bud are already in the lifestyle? This would at least test the water a little as her reaction would speak volumes and she might even engage Su in conversation about it when we meet socially. We are really not sure about him confessing all to her after him not mentioning it to her b4 in their 6 months together.

[SuAndBud]

Hi Pepper,

Do you continue your realtionship with him (assuming you have one) when he's dating, or is one relationship at a time enough for him?

[LikeMinds321]

For us, it would depend on whether this couple has decided to date each other exclusively. If they have, then we wouldn't play with him alone, and would explain why.

If they aren't exclusive, then I see no problem with continuing to swing with him.

When Mr LM and I were dating, and had been for some time, we were still seeing other people and knew that was okay. Once we committed to each other it would have been a betrayal to date others, or swing, if we had been into it back then.

Since his girlfriend has already responded positively to the idea of swinging, I think that's promising for you all to develop a new relationship together. I would leave it to the guy to develop that idea. I would think that his girlfriend would eventually ask him if he's ever swung. He then should be truthful and say yes. She may then ask if it's been with you and he can go from there. Remember, he is taking the greatest chance in losing her. I think however it turns out you three will still remain friends.

Good luck and let us know how things develop.

LM

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by SuAndBud

Hi Pepper,

Do you continue your realtionship with him (assuming you have one) when he's dating, or is one relationship at a time enough for him?

Right now, he's dating a girl that he really likes, and we've only played with him once since they've been seeing each other. Of course, since he's seeing her more often, we haven't seen him much, even socially. We usually invite him to parties, he'll invite us out with his buddies, so we're good friends as well as playmates. I'm almost positive he hasn't told her of his history with his ex-girlfriend (we used to swing with them as a couple) or of his continued lifestyle affiliation.

In your case, if he tells her that you and Su are in the lifestyle, won't she be able to add 1 + 2 = 3? If it were me in her situation, I'd feel a little pressured in being told that because the three of you have history, the three of you are already swingers and have already been together, and I'm the odd man (woman) out.

Personally, I'd let him worry about how he's going to broach the subject with her, or whether she'll feel betrayed, etc. or whether they're going to play. After all, it was his choice not to disclose the info at the onset, so let him figure it out.

The way I see it, the only thing that you and Su have to worry about is whether you're ok with continuing to play with him. If you think their relationship will be pretty long-term, then maybe it is time to tell him you want to cool it on the playdates for now. Or, continue to play, but stay out of the discussion of "bringing her into the fold". I think getting involved in that is the part that could be messy.

Just my flawed, non-PC opinion.

Pepper

[ShellyM]

I can only give my opinion on this. Now, just how "attached" are they? Are they attached as good friends building up to something, or is she is girlfriend attached??? These are issues I think you need to know clearly. Either way, in my personal opinion, if he is having sex with her (especially if you and he don't use condoms, and he and she don't either) I believe she has a right to know. You have been his friend for years, and perhaps she would like to join in! Like I said, this is my opinion. But if I were involved in a relationship with someone, I would really appreciate him being honest with me....because then, if she does find out, all trust for him is thrown out of the window.

[SuAndBud]

Thanks for all the advice.

Although this post is still quite new, it's already becoming clear to us what to do (we think).

In the interests of not breaking her trust, we've decided to book a hotel and put our MFM with J on hold (for now or forever as may be). J will probably get the idea, although his and Bud's friendship is strong enough for Bud to be able to be totally honest with him and tell him our reasons, fully.

They are seeing each other exclusively and we have not played together since, so better to keep it that way, we reckon. That way when he tells her that we're swingers and if she asks him if he's been involved he can say yes, but not since he's been with her (which she will know, anyway as we have not travelled to see him nor him to see us since they started dating). What he or she did before they met each other is of no more consequence than within a vanilla relationship, especially as she doesn't recoil in horror when they're discussing the lifestyle.

If she is really lifestyle material, that should get her motor running - lol.

Thanks again, folks.

[Mike and Jan]

If you haven't had a MFM with him since he started dating her exclusively then he doesn't have to worry about her finding out. What he did before becoming exclusive with her really shouldn't matter, and if it does, then she's not the one for him anyway.

This is his decision to make but I think you two are right in not seeing him, intimately, until she knows and either agrees or leaves.

I admire your decision and I know it's difficult for you. Great threesomes are a little rare.

Good luck, and hope she's cool and joins you.

[Zoe&Wash]

Thanks for this thread - this may become an issue as the object of Z's affection/lust/MFM fantasies has been in and out of a relationship for the last few months and is probably not going to be lifestyle compatible. Well, unless there's some kind of really drastic reprogramming on her part.

W

[SuAndBud]

We'll be saddened if we can't continue with J as we've had so much fun and have built up great trust and understanding between the three of us. If it weren't for the distance between us, we would all be happy living together in a Poly situation (although the presence of another female wouldn't be a bad idea too, at times).

We also know there is a risk that J's lady has been content to talk in order to spice up their sex, but would be against the lifestyle in reality which, in turn, might mean she might feel threatened by us or generally "look down her nose" at us and Su in particular. Who may say?!

We'll know soon enough, though and will keep you guys posted.

BTW, Z&W who needs the reprogramming - Z or the other lady?

Is Z fixated or is it that the other seems alien to the lifestyle?

[kenora_guy]

I'm climbing into my flame resistant suite and have to agree with Pepper & Drew... It's his business not yours to deal with the girlfriend *unless* she is a friend of yours too...

[Amanda69]

I guess you can also look at it

what goes around comes around

if you are okay with someone playing with you who is in a relationship but not being honest with that person, you may someday become the victim of the same deciet.

Personally I would also back away until such time as he has either been honest with his partner or finished with that relationship. No it isn't easy but it is the high road so to speak.