Is cheating ever justified?

[cracker60479]

I wrote the Charity Sex thread. You said 100 percent, no attraction, no sex no matter what you thought of the person or saw in them.
The attraction thing, my marriage and another woman are what this thread is about. I love my wife. I would never leave her. We met on the 'net and found so many things that make us alike and right for each other. We are soul mates. We cannot survive without each other. Yet, as much as I love her, the attraction is not there. We had both been divorced for a while and finding each other brought interest. We talked for a long while and it became clear we would have sex the first time. It took about 10 minutes, after talking for two months, and we were naked on the floor. I had taken Viagra and it continued all night. It was enjoying this excitement of somone new that was the attraction. We were sure we were right for each other, lived together about 6 weeks and got married. The initial excitement began to wane even as the realization that in all other ways we were perfect for each other.
I lived in Illinois, fell in love with a girl when we were 6. Puppy love. But at age 15 I knew I wanted to marry her and the farm style life I wanted us to have. Suddenly my family moves to Florida and the last night I see her I want to tell her I love her, always will and will never forget about her, but was only 15 and didnt. I moved back 3 yrs ago and 2 yrs ago saw her at a class reunion. We hugged and I saw in her eyes the 15 year old girl I loved 45 years ago. After moving to Fla. I had dreams of her, literally for the past 47 years now and not one about maybe a couple dozen girl friends, a first wife or my present. There is a place in the heart of my mind for her and no one else. I feel the same about her today as I did all those years ago. She is divorced and has a live in boy friend.
I will see her at another reunion and want to tell her what I have felt all these years, she is the only one I have ever really wanted in my life. I love my wife. I am not attracted to her. I am attracted to a girl from my past and I cant help it. My wife has stage four cancer and I will always be there for her, and will never let her find out, but I want the other woman. I married for better or worse and will keep my vows. The old girlfriend may laugh at me, she may rebuff me. But I must know if it could have been her and I if I had never left, and is there anything left between us. If so, I want her in my life, not a flaming torch but an eternal flame. I would describe that as being ready to cheat. I know what you are going to tell me. But does 56 years of wanting someone, in one hand weigh any less than 7 years and a commitment to a future of love and respect for my wife in the other hand?
I am now 63 years old and wife 56. Do I have to sacrifice something I have wanted almost all my life? Can I love my wife and another too wihout being a real sob of a husband? I will never get another chance in my lifetime.
My wife and I have been swingers and she would have gone along with a full swap, but this involves the way I feel and is not a swing issue and she is not able to have full sex with the cancer, even if it was.
Even though this is not about swinginging, it is about 4 people, feelings and sex. What do I do? I value the wisdom of all of you who reply to these lifes' issues. Is "cheating" ever justified? I cannot tell my wife I am going out to see someone I loved almost all my life and she has to stay home, can I.
If attraction to someone is what makes sex okay for swingers and love for their spouse necessary for their marriage, what is the difference here?

[good times]

I've got to ask, have you done a search on this board on "cheating"? The reason I ask this is because your story here is not unique and has been discussed here many times before. I don't know what you expect to hear, but I'll take a stab at some of your questions.

Is "cheating" ever justified?

Not in my opinion, if you Love your wife like you say you do, then I can't understand how cheating on her would even be a consideration. Let me ask you this, is it OK if your wife cheats on you?

If attraction to someone is what makes sex okay for swingers and love for their spouse necessary for their marriage, what is the difference here?

Well, the love I have for my wife and the promises I made to her when I married her included such things as trust, respect, and total honesty. These things are a big part of what love is to me, if I violated those things by cheating on her I would have no right to expect her love or respect in return, and I certainly couldn't expect her to believe that I love her.

Do I have to sacrifice something I have wanted almost all my life?

Yes, if you want to remain married to your wife you do.

[WesternSwing]

cracker, I feel for you and your situation with your wife and her cancer. I hope the best for you two whatever that is for each of you.

To answer your questions:

The old girlfriend may laugh at me, she may rebuff me. But I must know if it could have been her and I if I had never left, and is there anything left between us. If so, I want her in my life, not a flaming torch but an eternal flame.

You're going out on quite a limb here. She may hold some hidden flame for you for the past 50 years, but chances are she looks at it as a 15-year old crush and you are waxing about a love that never would have been. I've heard of people getting together after 50 years, but it is uncommon.

I would describe that as being ready to cheat. I know what you are going to tell me. But does 56 years of wanting someone, in one hand weigh any less than 7 years and a commitment to a future of love and respect for my wife in the other hand?

Yes it does. One is present and right now a for sure thing, the other is fantasy.

I am now 63 years old and wife 56. Do I have to sacrifice something I have wanted almost all my life? Can I love my wife and another too wihout being a real sob of a husband?

You can, but to not be a "real SOB" all parties involved have to be in the know and approve of such a relationship.

I will never get another chance in my lifetime.

How can you say this? It's been 56 years and you're still getting chances!

My wife and I have been swingers and she would have gone along with a full swap, but this involves the way I feel and is not a swing issue and she is not able to have full sex with the cancer, even if it was.

I think it can be a swing issue. There have been other threads on this Board about if you would want your partner to swing if you were injured or ill and were unable to fulfill them sexually. As I recall, most every response on these threads was a resounding "yes". Mrs. WS and I have talked about that too, and we both agree that we would want the other to have a "friend" on the side to fulfill that for each other if either of us was unable to due to illness or injury.

Even though this is not about swinginging, it is about 4 people, feelings and sex.

Exactly, it is about four people, feelings, and sex. The key here being four people, two of which may not be so hip on you and your fantasy of 56 years having a relationship. Two people may get hurt, and that makes it wrong on every level.

What do I do? I value the wisdom of all of you who reply to these lifes' issues. Is "cheating" ever justified? I cannot tell my wife I am going out to see someone I loved almost all my life and she has to stay home, can I.

I don't know, can you? I could, but then again Mrs. WS and I have a relationship built on trust and honesty and we have covered the subject of illness and injury and sex as well as having a "friend" on the side even now.

If attraction to someone is what makes sex okay for swingers and love for their spouse necessary for their marriage, what is the difference here?

The difference it that what you are suggesting here is lying to, and cheating on your wife. Swinging is doing neither. Swinging is done with the full knowledge and consent of your spouse. What you are telling me here is nothing more then a married guy not getting sex at home and wanting to hook-up with swingers to get a little secret sex.

Mr. WS

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by cracker60479

If attraction to someone is what makes sex okay for swingers and love for their spouse necessary for their marriage, what is the difference here?

I, too, feel for you and wish the very best for your wife...

And - in wishing the best for your wife - I will answer this bluntly and say that the line above is incredibly bone-headed. You know the difference or you wouldn't ask the question.

You are looking for some slippery argument to make yourself feel better about stepping out on your ill wife - and risking doing something devastating to her, you, your marriage, your so-called "crush" and some "live in boyfriend" that you apparently don't know.

Life is filled with "what if". But let me ask you - would you rather live out the rest of your life wondering "what if" you hadn't slept with your high school crush? Or would you rather live with "what if" I had been faithful to my wife in the most desperate and painful time of her life? "What if" I had been the husband she needed me to be instead of leaving her alone while I tumbled about on a motel room bed? "What if" I stood beside her, been strong for her, made her smile - instead of spending all of my mental energy on something that didn't happen fifty years ago?

"What if" someone on a swinger's message board told you to get your head out of your ass and pay attention to what you have, think about what you can lose, and actually helped you make a choice that you'll be proud of when you look your wife in the eye?

Spoomonkey

[TNT]

Originally Posted by cracker60479

We hugged and I saw in her eyes the 15 year old girl I loved 45 years ago.

But...did you see the woman that she is today?

You saw a dream, a time in your life that you were happy and content and your first thoughts/feelings were.... "I wish"..." I should have"..."What would my life be like now if only"...

You are going through a difficult time in your life right now...your wife is ill and having dealt myself with the difficulties that an illness can cause in any family, those that are the care givers do at times feel as if they are invisible and all the focus is put upon the one that is ill, with no thought of those that are still well and healthy...as it should be. Even knowing all of this, at times it does not help with the loneliness and the "what about me" feelings you go through at times.

You're a 63 year-old man...I'm sure that honor and duty are something that you understand. Your wife has stage four cancer...not meaning to be mean or without feelings here but...you know the prognosis is not good. Do you really want to make things more difficult for your wife right now, someone you say you love, regardless of physical attraction or not ?

We do not mean to discount your feelings for this other woman...they could or could not be genuine and until you see and know her for the woman she is today you will never know ...but, now is not the time to find out.

Practice integrity at the moment of choice.


TNT

[LikeMinds321]

cracker ~

You found "puppy love" at 6 and knew this girl up until you were 15. You were both children then. I think it is crucial that you realize this "love" you proclaim for her stems from a memory from childhood and who you both were then.

Now, 47 years later, I think that if you got to know this woman now - and let's imagine for a moment that you were both single - you'd discover that you have both grown to become different people. Yes, there may be some similarities from your childhood, but you've both had 47 years that have molded who you are today.

I think you are hungering for a fantasy love to become reality and you'd be greatly disappointed.

Reconnecting after so many years would require starting from scratch. Which would be difficult on its own because you'd be blinded by looking into her eyes and wanting to see her as she was a 15. She isn't the same person and neither are you.

LM

[Pepper & Drew]

Honey, you don't know that woman that you've been carrying a torch for all these years. Yes, there are people that there's an initial spark for, and a strong physical attraction, but that doesn't equal love...and that's one of the main lessons people in the lifestyle learn. Just because you think they're hot doesn't mean you can or should persue a lifelong commitment, or that you should give up everything you have in your current marriage. And, I'm sure if you've been fantasizing about this woman for all these years, I'm almost positive that the real experience would be far less magical than what you've been dreaming up. In your imagination, she is perfect. In real life, I'm sure she has bad habits and flaws (both physical and in character). You sure that you want to ruin your current marriage, hurt a woman whom you love and who is currently in a fight for her life, because you think a woman that you haven't known in nearly 50 years may be more attractive?

Doesn't make much sense to me....

Pepper

[cracker60479]

Thank you all so much. There is a reason this is such a great site. You people can see things from a true unbiased viewpoint. You always get it right. Thanks TNT, I think you really do understand. Western Swing was only off on the last paragraph. That is totally not true.
I take your blunt advice Spoo. I need no more responses to this thread. I will not go to the reunion. I will remove the possibility for that encounter.
You all may have saved much pain in a situation where at least two innocent people would have to be hurt. Thanks.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by cracker60479

I will remove the possibility for that encounter.

That will be a "what if" you can live with

My best to you and your wife. I do wish her well. Please let us know when she is better.

Spoomonkey

[prettylady]

I know a man who loved a women, carried a flame for her for a LONG time. He said she had Audrey Hepburn eyes. Who wouldn't fall in love with that. He still has a soft spot in his heart for her. But he understands that this is a fantasy. He has the women of his dreams, his soul mate in his arms now.
You and this girl were not even has beens, you were kids.
Why would you risk destroying your wife while in her weakened condition for something that my be nothing more than a beautiful memory, why ruin it?
Keep the memory alive just as beautiful and innocent as it is now. No one can take that away from you, but if she turns you down flat you could risk losing the beauty of it.
Lets not forget the hurt you could cause your wife. She should be your priority now not a fantasy.
I would bet that if you were sick and unable to have "full sex" that she would not run around behind your back chasing dreams.
You do, as you say, love each other.
Best wishes for your wife, I hope her recovery is quick.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[athena2910]

Originally Posted by prettylady

Why would you risk destroying your wife while in her weakened condition for something that my be nothing more than a beautiful memory, why ruin it? Keep the memory alive just as beautiful and innocent as it is now. No one can take that away from you, but if she turns you down flat you could risk losing the beauty of it. Lets not forget the hurt you could cause your wife. She should be your priority now not a fantasy.

Pretty Lady is right: your wife needs you now more than ever. Maybe the day will come when you're free to pursue your first love, but until that time, you are doing the right thing by staying true to your wife, whom I'm sure loves you.

Besides, sometimes dreams die in the face of reality. And on the other hand, F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, "There are many kinds of love in world, but never the same love, twice." The love you had for the girl you knew at 15 is unique, as is the love you share with your wife. But don't destroy your marriage to chase a shadow of what was.

Please add my best wishes for your wife's recovery.

Athena