Losing my girlfriend to swinging

[Tommy_Boy]

Well, first post here and I wish it was under better circumstances.

I have been with my girlfriend for the past 3 years. We have never had any sort of open relationship, but recently we started getting into the swingers scene (about 2 weeks ago) through a friend.

I went a couple of times with my girlfriend and it wasn't really my thing. I also didn't like the idea of watching my girlfriend have sex with other men in front of my face. My girlfriend on the other hand loves it and goes to the club with my friend as much as she can.

I talked to her about it the other day after hearing some stories from my friend about what she was doing, and they made my heart stop. She simply said she wanted to try new things and this was just a phase.

I have never been one to get jealous but she is out all night for most of the week doing god knows what with god knows how many people.

I thought about going with her when she goes so I can keep an eye on her, but I don't want to be considered one of those creepy boyfriends who follows his girlfriend.

I know I brought this on myself, but I really love this girl. We have been together for 3 years and the topic of marriage has come up more than once. I am really at a loss here so if anyone has any advice on how I should approach this, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

-Tommy

[intuition897]

Tommy,

If the topic of marriage has come up, I'm assuming it's a serious relationship. Then if that's the case, your feelings need to be respected. It does not matter that SHE sees it as just some harmless fun; YOU don't see it that way. You have a problem with it, and if it's interfering with the way you feel about her, about the relationship, or about yourself, you have every right to feel the way you do. This is not about you wanting to restrict her. This is about your emotional well-being needing to be respected. And if she's insisting on going out without you - because nobody is going to tell her how to live her life - then she is completely diregarding your needs. The question then becomes: Do you want to live your life with someone who puts their wants ahead of your needs? It's not a hopeless situation, but she needs to be made to understand that this kind of disrespect is unacceptable, and if she continues to not care about your feelings, it means she has chosen herself above her relationship with you. And you will leave.

We tend to preach that a lot here, to draw lines in the sand and follow through when someone crosses it. It comes across, to the unseasoned eye, as a bunch of homewreckers trying to break apart couples, some of whom have been togeter decades. And it's true, quite often someone will be advised to leave a relationship. However, we don't do it because we despise couplehood or marriage! Quite the contrary. Our reasoning is that life is much to short to not live right, and it's not right to allow yourself to be made to feel like less of a person by staying in a relationship that degrades you. Love others as you love yourself is a beautiful law to live by...but one thing people tend to forget is how to truly love themselves. And love isn't always gentle in its demands...even of one's self.

I would suggest taking some time to yourself to truly consider who you are, what you want, and what you need. Work on yourself and get centred. When you find your centre this way, it is very easy to feel when someone is disrespecting you as a person. And you will be much less apt to put up with it.

Don't know if this made any sense or not, Tommy, but that's my 2 cents anyway. Welcome to the board.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Tommy_Boy

I have been with my girlfriend for the past 3 years. We have never had any sort of open relationship, but recently we started getting into the swingers scene (about 2 weeks ago) through a friend.

I went a couple of times with my girlfriend and it wasn't really my thing. I also didn't like the idea of watching my girlfriend have sex with other men in front of my face. My girlfriend on the other hand loves it and goes to the club with my friend as much as she can.

I talked to her about it the other day after hearing some stories from my friend about what she was doing, and they made my heart stop. She simply said she wanted to try new things and this was just a phase.

I have never been one to get jealous but she is out all night for most of the week doing god knows what with god knows how many people.

I know I brought this on myself, but I really love this girl. We have been together for 3 years and the topic of marriage has come up more than once.

Has the topic of "moving her shit out of your house and starting over with somebody who isn't fucking half the town" ever come up?

Imagine that one of your friends were telling you the story you just told us. How hard would it be to figure out what his best course of action would be?

This girl has some serious issues. Marry her and her "issues" will become your "issues."

Bail. NOW!

[Darkblue]

I have to agree with JNCC bail out before she screws your life up..

It will be hard but she doesnt respect you and doesnt give a damm about you or your feeling this isnt and open relationshipits you being taken for a ride...

Sorry if this sounds harsch but thats the way i see it, niether of us will play if the other is not happy about it, what would she say if said you didnt want her to play again?? would she stop or put you under pressure to let her play??
Steve

[prettylady]

Please JNCC and DarkBlue, don't take this the wrong way. I agree completely with what both these guys have to say. Becareful, after reading their responce I felt angry, not at them just angry. Don't go to her with this type of anger and have 3 years tossed in your face.
Please concider doing as Intuition suggested, talk to her find out if your relationship is worth what she is getting from the club. Then with your head, not your heart decide if her answer was what you need to make you happy. If not, carry on.
You will be fine.
Keep your head up and eyes on what you want in your future.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Chicup]

I'm with JnCC, you have already lost your gf, get out now. I'm not sure why you think she is your GF at this point as she doesn't seem to be spending a lot of time with you, and apparently she is into things you are not into or comfortable with.

I thought about going with her when she goes so I can keep an eye on her, but I don't want to be considered one of those creepy boyfriends who follows his girlfriend.

Dude, creepy boy friends are the ones that follow their GF around when they go to to the mall with their gf's, not guys who want to see exactly what sexual things shes into and doing with whoever. You are sounding like that Offsprings song....

When she's saying, all that she want's only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying, that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!

[sereneiders]

I guess averyone's else summed it up pretty well as to repeat the same song again.

If you love her, and you understand her need for experiences as a valid one, you may think of making an arrangement: ask her to tell you how many time she will need to gather those experiences (let say, 3 months). Then call for a pause in the relationship and meet again after ending that period to talk and check out if your expectations finally meet. It's true, there would be a risk for her to get hook with another guy, and for her that you do the same.

Disregarding swinging, I know of a couple of couples who meet up an early stage in their lives (like, in high school), they wanted to be togheter but realized they needed other experiences before making the final choice, and they gave themselves time for this (in one case, a year, in the other, 6 years). They keep in touch, but meet again after that period and started over from the scratch. It is a valid (and wise) option, however, in those cases both sides agreed they BOTH wanted to have more experience, which doesn't seems to be this scenario.

In any case, unless at some point you share a minimal ground of expectations for the relationship and your life togheter, there wouldn't be any relationship to take care of, anyway.

[meandher2go]

not losing....LOST her.

run fast

[deusex]

From my point of view, it seems to me that she cheated on you.
You didn't say anything about your rules, however.
Did you make any rules as to what was ok, what not... etc?
And lastly did she ask you, and did you approve before she did what she did?
Just because there are swinging clubs, it doesn't mean that going there
alone negates cheating.

[Amanda69]

intuition897 While I think you make some valid points I have to ask. If this was a woman posting with the reverse problem would you give the same advice? She is stepping out on him, pure and simple. This is not swinging it is cheating....

Yes he should talk with her after all they have been in a relationship for 3 years but I don't hold a lot of hope if after that period of time this is her behavior.

[funrealcouple]

As with husband and wife, if one is uncomfortable, the other should back them and they should talk it over.
If she goes out without your blessing, she is cheating.
The same as would be if you were going out. Male or female it does not matter.
If I were you I would sit her down very nicely, not offensively, and tell her how you feel and that if she is choosing the lifestyle over you then you will be gone.
It all has to be calm and non-threatening.
You 2 need to talk.
Like the quip, "It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye" or in your case
I would say "get's their heart broken".

I'm afraid she is already lost.
Good luck.

FRC

[Tommy_Boy]

You didn't say anything about your rules, however.

I know. I agree. We were new to the swinger scene and I didn't realize this kind of stuff would happen. After reading some of your responses yesterday I decided to talk to her last night.

She confessed to me that she met someone and was having the time of her life with him and her "new friends"

I told her that I could not live with that and that it was over. Moving my stuff out some time this week between work and life.

Cest la vie...

Thanks everyone for the replies.

[daniel Flynn]

Hi Tommy, and very sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Any type of event of this sort can have a catastrophic impact on one's life. Unfortunately it takes TWO to make any type of relationship work, but only ONE to derail the entire thing.
I have worked as a Behavioral Thearpist, so of course I would suggest to BOTH of you, that if there is anything left in this relationship, as far as committment and honesty, and COMMUNICATION go, well then seriosly consider going to a very good Marriage Counselor. Perhaps they can further explore the issues you have raised, and more importantly esplore why she is doing what she is, and the REAL reasons behind it.
You shouldn't play the blame game card on yourself, because the underlying issues in her behavior were already in place, before you two ever considered the swinging thing.
At any rate, if she is considerate enough of your feelings and mantains any real hopes of reviving this relationship, then do head to the therapist. If not, then the only other options are to end it and move on, as you are both young, and this may be a learning experience albeit a very painful one. Good luck!

[curious24]

Originally Posted by Tommy_Boy

I know. I agree. We were new to the swinger scene and I didn't realize this kind of stuff would happen. After reading some of your responses yesterday I decided to talk to her last night.

She confessed to me that she met someone and was having the time of her life with him and her "new friends"

I told her that I could not live with that and that it was over. Moving my stuff out some time this week between work and life.

Cest la vie...

Thanks everyone for the replies.

You know it's like going to buy a new house. You find one that you think is just awesome and then the deal falls through. Then you find the house of your dreams and thank goodness the other deal fell through.

You'll land on your feet and be happier because of it, I just know it!

Good luck and don't be a stranger!