help! is he technically cheating?

[marksgirl2]

My bf and I are into swinging and have a couple and some groups we hang out with from time to time. I'm new to this, but I was always intrigued and interested. I love it - I love the freedom and the deep level of trust it takes to have these sexual adventures with my man (and best friend). But I'm really unsure of this situation... here it is:

The other night I caught him IMing some girl he met on AFF (Adult Friend Finders). Fine, but he was acting really sneaky about it. Of course I positioned myself on the couch so I could watch him do his thing. He kept looking over his shoulder, etc. When it was clear he had written down her number (and put it into his phone) I confronted him. He said that he was trying to hook up with someone for the two of us - that she said she liked couples in her profile. He also said that it didn't matter because after an hour of flirting she just then realized he was in a relationship and had turned him down anyway. OK I believed him. We had a frank discussion and I told him what I thought was swinger's philosophy : you can play around as long as we do it together AND you can play around solo if I can too. He absolutely rejected the latter saying, in oh so many words, that he wanted to be able to see anyone but he expected me to be faithful and only hook up with guys he approves of (iow the couples we already know). I said that was unacceptable to me and so I asked him to just limit himself to the former - we do it together or neither one of us does it at all. We agreed (I thought). And just to stave off his boredom I booked us up with a couple we like this weekend.

Now this morning I was getting ready to sit down and work on the computer (I'm an author) and he checked his email really quick. And lo and behold there is an email from that girl he was IMing the other night! I am totally beside myself, but I not 100% sure that I should be all that upset. I mean, I let him go with other girls, why not this one? I know he is emotionally attached to me (we are talking about getting married next year!) and he comes home to me every night and is a loving wonderful man (he really treats me like a princess). But I don't know this girl and I'm worried that she may be looking for more than a local fuck buddy. My suspicion stems from her profile... she says she into couples but tells my bf she wants him only: to me she's looking for a man to have a relationship with FIRST so then she can explore couples. He's never done this before - more than anything it bothers me that he was trying to do this behind my back - so I have no history with him in this area and I'm not sure I trust him to keep her at arm's length.

What can I say... I'm scared to death. This feels like cheating to me. But at the same time I love him - and I want him and his sexual appetite to be free.

This is all confusing to me in another sense because I have been so damned horny lately and he has turned me down on several occasions when I've offered. I'm dying over here - masturbating 2-3 times a day - and I get no outlet for it... while he, apparently, gets all the outlet he needs. It seems like he feels more obligated to fuck a stranger instead of satisfying his own girl.

I don't get it.

Is this normal swinging? Am I overreacting? Should I just go ahead and have someone on the side he doesn't know about (it's only fair)?

I'm at a loss. Please help.

[amid]

Doesn't sound healthy to me.. Everything we have read on this post and experienced together revolves around a strong relationship with great cummunication (spell check?). Definately NOT doing anything that would make your partner feel ill at ease. Also we NEVER play the game of "if you can do it so can I". There is no "getting even", it's all about a strong couple sharing for mutual pleasure, thinking of the partners feelings first. Now, there are times when I (male half) will talk to people and mail them, get to know them etc. but this is more a part of the screening process for potential partners. Once it gets to the level of acceptance I am comfortable with I then share this with my wife. She just couldn't be bothered with all the tedium of finding a potential couple. With that said, I have never nor would I ever meet with someone a couple or single without her being involved. Everything has to be laid out on the table. We are a team, partners. As to him not "playing" with you.. all the searching and looking and talking and sharing does nothing but make me a more amorous lover to my wife and vice versa. We are fortunate enough to have a healthy love making session at least 4-5 nights a week, sometimes more..
Everyone and every situation is different so what I say and feel about your post might not really pertain to your situation. I do believe that most people that reply to you will tell you to TALK to your mate. Sit down and share whats going on.. stay on the same page.

[JP51]

Dito

If he is seeing her behind your back, it not good, if he is talking to her behind your back it is not good. Your going to have to sit down and talk as was brought up before. In our reationship, I do a lot of the meet and screening, but I turn on the archive so that she can read everthing said. Ditto on email she gets a blind copy to her private email. If you allow single play outside of couple you meet together, he may be taking that as it is ok to go searching for singles. But, he did day she was searching for couples too...so get her IM and get on line with her and feel her out for yourself! You will never know until you ask and talk. You know what your guts has to say about her in a few minutes...then decide if she is really just looking for a man, and you can have your talk with your BF.

[JustAskJulie]

If it feels wrong, it probably is.

I was unclear on one thing, did he check his email and tell you about this email from her? Or did you check his email and see it?

If he told you about it, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You've already discussed it and agreed that it will be both or nothing - which from the sounds of it is a change from what you've allowed previously (him to go off on his own). Also if he told you about this email from her that's a good sign that he's not trying to hide anything from you (if you found it yourself I have to ask has he even seen it yet? Does he know you check his email? Is this a normal occurance (you checking his email)? Or is this a trust issue in itself?)

[marksgirl2]

Hi Julie! Thanks for your reply!

He didn't tell me about the email... I saw it over his shoulder. He didn't try to actively hide it, but he wasn't encouraging me to look at it either. I did try to get into his email to read it, but I couldn't. As for trust issues - was not a problem until this situation arose.

I like JP51's idea of trying to get to know her myself. That would, at least, get her (and his) attention that I am not stupid.

Also, sorry about the wise crack saying that I should go find someone of my own on the side - I know that revenge is a bad idea and not part of the lifestyle... I was only half serious (I'm really new at this!).

I just want this to be open, but my gut tells me he likes the "sneaking around" part of it - the thrill of getting caught, etc. That is not normal. More than anything I just want him to be honest with me, but he's had girls in the past who were super jealous when he mentioned meeting another girl to get to know her. I'm just gonna have to talk to him again. I feel left out and that is not cool.

[marksgirl2]

Just wanted to thank Julie, Amid, and JP51 for their excellent advice (and for keeping me calm yesterday!).

I talked to my bf and things became very clear (and he showed me all his emails, etc). He WAS just trying to meet someone for both of us! I feel like a total dork, but then he didn't tell me up front what he was doing (so what was I to think when I see him IMing with someone else?). We decided we would *both* try to meet someone/couple and go from there.

Also, I took JP51's advice and emailed that gal directly. She sounded really nice, but unfortunately I think she is really put off by having to deal with me... I really got the impression that she wanted my bf solo so I made it clear to hear that we do not have a "solo play" relationship and she'd at least have to meet me and maybe let me watch. I thought she was put off because I'm bi, so I told her there would be no pressure from me unless she initiated. She seemed to respond favorably to all of that so I suggested we meet - and she hasn't responded at all. So...hmmph... that's the way it goes.

Again, thank you so much! You'll probably be seeing me on the boards now and then... like I said, I'm new to this and so happy to have a forum of 'experts' who can help me sort things out. Thanks!

marksgirl2

[EvilMJ]

I'm really glad you were able to work things out. I have found first impression of a situation can sometimes get blown out of porportion, I do it all the time. The fact that you can talk with each other and work it out like adults is very encouraging.

I think you are right to want to find some one you can both play with, especially if that lady has a hidden agenda, time will tell.

Please continue to post, we love having a success story in our midst.

[marksgirl2]

I feel downright immature about my initial jealous and suspicious reaction... but my bf was incredibly soothing and loving when I confronted him so I have hope. I guess I feel like I'm on shaky ground since I'm only the girlfriend and not (yet) his wife. The last time I swung out was when I was married and there was no doubt who was going home with whom in the long term. Seems like being married makes it easier.... : )

[JP51]

Your welcome...have fun! As for being married, I am sure it makes it easier. One comment just from my view being the green eye one for a long time. We had a rule that goes like this if I am in the house, you end the night in my bed period! You do not wake up next to your lover of the night, it will always be me. Now if he/she comes in in the morning and kicks your but out of bed, so we can contuine last night play that is fine. Just wake up with your partner. Got me over being green eyed mostly...has even allowed me to mature to a point of being able to allow seperate play when we are not in the same town, as long as I know the couple she is with, and ditto on her end.

Enjoy!!

[dayhiker]

Hi marksgirl2,
I can see how you get the immature feeling with the jealousy thing, but the fact that you went to mark and talked with him, you faced the situation, you worked it thru actually says you are very mature.

dayhiker

[Chip_n_Muffy]

And that is the beauty of it. Swing FORCES you to comunicate, to confront those demons. Had this situation never come up, would you ever had the kind of talk you have had with the BF? Would you ever have allowed yourself to bare your deepest insecurities to him? Allowed yourself to be vulnerable? Learn and grow from this. You will learn more about your boyfriend and yourself than you ever thought possible. We have. Trust me on this point.

Chip

[BBVixen23]

Glad it all worked out for you...

[twohots4u2]

We feel that the three most important things in swinging is: together, together, together. When we find someone that we feel is interesting, we check it our together. When we get with someone or a couple, we always do it together. That way swinging brings us closer together, which makes life very fine