Husband getting too involved with play partner

[LOL_OMG]

Is that you Froggie???

[sereneiders]

Mrs. Pump,

From the paragraph you wrote I highlighted what seems to me it's the core of the problem:

Originally Posted by pumpkins1970

I didn't know about any of this intill after it happend, and I think he just told me out of guilt, but I'm very hurt and angry that he did this to me and really don't know what to do about it, I feel that it was cheating and it does not set right with me.

Just from your words I cannot tell anything about Mr. Pump, however he posted his point of view and it seem to correlate whit what I have to say. But let's forget for a moment Mr. Pump post.

Whatever you husband did, you assumed he did it to you, even when he may be done it to himself.

A relationship is built around actions, actions tells us way more about the feelings than the words. However, for those actions to make sense, they have to correlate with our expectations.

So, half of the problem here is what he did (the action), and the other half is what you expected from him.

It may be possible that there is a shared responsibility here, and at least you should consider your share. The question to ask to yourself is: "if he were aware about your expectations for his behavior, do you believe she would have done this anyway?".

If the answer is "no", then you failed to communicate him your expectations, and whatever he did that hurted you, wasn't mean to be done to hurt you. Something like, he stepped over you toe, it hurts, you'd have the right to yell and complain, but you may not have the right to blame on him unless you know for sure he knew your toes were right there.

Any commitment, of every sort, have clauses telling both parties their rights and obligations. When we give us permission to swing, we're giving up certain clauses that are valid and implicit for the marriage, and we do our best to rewrite some clauses to preserve ourselves. When we fail to rewrite a clause, things like this are likely to happen.

The question is, what the two of you are up to do about this. I believe the wise thing to do is: learn from the experience, ammend the rules, heal yourselves and let the other part participate in the healing proccess. Perhaps you'd stop swinging for a while, at least until healed. In any case, I am convinced if you two manage to do this, you'll end up having a way more stronger relationship.

I hope the best for you two.

[pumpkins1970]

Originally Posted by sinnerstoo

tell his sorry ass that swingingn together doesn't include cheating....by the way this problem is inevitable when people swing...consider knocking it off...it's not going to work for you...

WOW, I think someone forgot to take their medication!! LOL

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Oh, oh I think I found a new troll!

I think so too Chicup! You can keep it if you promise to pet it, and feed it, and clean it's cage.

-Not intending to derail a very serious thread. I think the bases have been covered and the pumpkins have a chance to learn form this, and continue to grow together-

[mdpair]

I came here looking for advice for a very similar scenario. Wife and I have been together for twenty years. I have always thought of our relationship as a strong one, except for a period 14 years ago when my wife(girlfriend at the time)had an affair with a mutual friend. It was outrageously hard to overcome the pain and the disrespect that I felt. It took years of work to build it all back together. But build it back together we did. We learned to put it all back together in a way that was so much stronger and closer than we had ever been. About a year ago our friendship and communication and love and ,especially sex were still expanding and strengthening. As we reveled in our ever more fantastic sex, we started talking about swinging and sharing. She asked if maybe we were opening up those old cans of worms, but I told her if it was done for us -for our shared sex/love life -that it was just adding to our love not undermining it. We proceeded with great excitement. It was so arousing to start to work this new dimension into our psyches. We were nearly always aroused and quadrupled our sexual encounters. She was more aroused than I had ever seen her. It was great. She couldn't believe how fun it was to fantasize about all these sexy men joining us in our bed. We went to on-premise sex clubs and were shy and stayed to ourselves, but had explosive sex in crowds. We both agreed that we were so lucky that after 20 years our relationship was immeasurably stronger that it had ever been. After maybe 3 months of this new plateau she tells me she is attracted to someone at work. I tell her that I know because I had met him and seen them together and heard the way she talked about him. At first I say that is okay ,I ask her to tell me all about it. Well, It was more than attraction. She did not have sex with him or kiss or touch. But she carried on a secret love that was getting to big for her to handle for about a month. She sent erotic emails to him describing the intimate and sexual attraction that she felt for him. He was only here temporarily and went back home across the ocean and that is when the feelings went crazy. She became obsessed--told other mutual friends about it before she finally came to me. We had sex at every opportunity for the duration. Well I am really hurt. Damn devastated! She can't explain what went wrong. She can't believe that she was so stupid to destroy the great thing that we had going. You can all understand the nuance here. I was really encouraging her to explore the world of Male sexuality. I was talking about her having sex with other men. We were both exploding in a new world of unlimited possibilty and arousal.

We are in love with each other but are both depressingly resigned to having just a fraction of what we just recently had.

I guess I just want fresh voices to help me see this clearly

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by mdpair

We went to on-premise sex clubs and were shy and stayed to ourselves, but had explosive sex in crowds. We both agreed that we were so lucky that after 20 years our relationship was immeasurably stronger that it had ever been. After maybe 3 months of this new plateau she tells me she is attracted to someone at work. I tell her that I know because I had met him and seen them together and heard the way she talked about him. At first I say that is okay ,I ask her to tell me all about it.

That's where it took a totally different turn. Maybe you are both at fault for her going there, because you did encourage it. Swinging is one thing, but going after somebody you work with, and have a crush on, is something else altogether. I wonder if you both thought at the time that it was just an extension of swinging?

Is it possible that you can both forgive each other and just move forward from here? It sounds like the swinging was great for both of you. Maybe you didn't have clear boundaries in the past. Most swingers don't want the emotional attachments and avoid them. If they sense themselves going in that direction, they cut it off. Since you two still love each other, it's possible you could work this all out with a lot of communication, and respecting the boundaries of what works for you, and what doesn't.

You sound like a great guy - I hope that things work out, whether you swing or not.

[Edison Carter]

Like they said in Jurrassic Park 2," Yes, that's how it is, at first a bunch of 'oohhing' and 'ahhhiiing' then followed by a bunch of screaming and running." He's not ready toplay in the park.

Swinging is sex as a partnership, not a lone effort.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by mdpair

I came here looking for advice for a very similar scenario.

...

I guess I just want fresh voices to help me see this clearly

Mdpair,

I've seen this is your first post in the forum, so I bleive it'd be worth to explain to you something about how this forum (or any forum) works.

Every thread is devoted to the particular issue from the thread original poster (OP), in such a way that all the members can focus on the OP specifics when answering. This, of course, may lead to the exchange of oppinions that diverge from the original topic, but it's advisable that, when someone feels such a discussion constitutes a different topic, to start a new one devoted to it, and just make a post in the original thread with a link to the new one, so the ones interested in such a discussion can diverge without disrupting the original thread purpose (something that in a forum is called "hihacking the thread").

This also helps the OP, and other people facing a similar situation to avoid wasting the time required to skip those answers that has nothing to do with the topic thei're interested on.

In the other hand, since you're seeking for advice regarding your own problem, the rest of us cannot easily identify it as to provide you help: thos who already saw this thread and believe they have anything to say, or who already added their two cents and wants to move on to a different topic, wouldn't have the chance to even notice you came to the forum asking for advice.

So, your post is hihacking Mr. and Mrs. Pumpkin thread (even when unintented), and it is extremely inefficient for yourself to catch the attention it deserves.

I won't answer to you here, just because I don't want the thread to keep being hihacked (even when this post, again, would be a hihack by itself, for which I apologize but since you're new, I believe it's justified).

I'd suggest you to copy the text from your original post, create a new topic and paste the thext there. Then, to come back here to advice you moved your post, asking people to answer to your question in your thread. You can add the link to the new thread address to your post, and if you don't know how to do it, just inform us your thread name. And I'd be glad to answer your post there.

Welcome to the board!

[Tybee Swing]

MDpair reposted his thread as "stumbling block or great wall", and it's located here: http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...ad.php?t=27148

[mdpair]

Thanks and Sorry to the posters