When married cheaters hit on you...

[Tybee Swing]

how do you handle them? I'm just curious. Do you find that cheaters who approach swingers just totally don't get it, have no clue what swinging is about? Do you try to educate them somewhat? Of course, I'm assuming with these questions that you don't play with cheaters, which may not be the case for everybody here.

A younger woman spotted our Yahoo profile and wrote us that her husband travels a lot and she's looking for a couple with a bi female to explore her fantasies with. She expressed her interest in us and asked if we'd be interested. I responded nicely and explained gently what swinging is to us, it's about the honesty and openness. Here's what I said about that: "The swing Lifestyle is great because couples are open with each other and share their fantasies. They can live them out together, which makes it all 10x sexier. In swinging, there aren't any secrets or sneaking around - it's all out on the table. When you're experiencing wonderful sexual adventures together as a couple, it's like a great adventure, and the openness brings you even closer as a couple." I also asked gently if her husband knew of her fantasies and her pursuits: "Does your husband know about your being bi-curious? If not, I'll bet it would turn him on to know. Are you planning on not telling him about your adventures?"

I thought that was relatively easy to interpret without my saying bluntly, "we don't play with cheaters".

It went right over her head. She explained: "No, my hubby does not know. I am scared to tell him because of how he may react. Besides, over the last few years, we have kind of grown apart..." etc - the usual explanations.
Then she tried again: "I fantasize about it a lot. I think it would be so erotic to be with the woman while her boyfriend or hubby watches. What do you think??"

I have a feeling that she, and most married people looking for hook-ups with swingers on the side, are totally clueless as to what swingers are all about. I think that what I wrote her about swinging went in one ear, and out the other.

So, I wrote her back explaining further: "About your fantasy, yes, it's very erotic and we love that. However, we're not comfortable playing with married people who are going behind their spouse's back. You'll find this feeling pretty commonly in the Lifestyle, because swinging is all based on honesty and openness. Swinging isn't about filling a void, it's about enhancing a relationship and sex life that's already solid and satisfying. In other words, playing with others is icing on the cake. I don't want to sound harsh at all, but you'll be cheating when you do this, and that's just not for us. We can't feel good about being part of that."

I won't deny it was tempting, having an attractive woman offering the ever-elusive FMF, FFM, but we just can't go there.

Have you stuck with your ethics on this, no matter what? Has anybody here hooked up with a cheater, even if it was against your better judgement? Or, do you hook up with cheaters and have no qualms or problems with it? Maybe some actually prefer playing with cheaters?

[HappyPeople]

We've got a friend that we'd love to hook up with who openly hits on us but we have decided that it's a no-fly zone because the spouse is not aboard. Although this person is an active swinger (damage done), we just can't and won't do it. We don't have to wake up with a lie, but we would know that we were part of one and that for us is enough. We'd have a hard time facing each other. We are giving advice on how to get the spouse involved but that's it.

[MoonLightKiss]

Well, if it makes you feel better about having turned down a unicorn, I firmly, wholeheartedly believe you did the right thing. We would have done the same thing. We don't have different sets of rules for the little boys than the little girls. So you were right. Its hard to stick to your ethics and rules when faced with a temptation like that, and you did. Pats on the back and kisses, hugs, and kinds of fun stuff to you both for sticking to them.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by HappyPeople

Although this person is an active swinger (damage done), we just can't and won't do it.

I don't even think of these people as "swingers". They might call themselves that, but it's just plain-and-simple cheating, to us.

Good for you, not wanting to be part of that, especially since her husband is probably your friend, too!

[HappyPeople]

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

Well, if it makes you feel better about having turned down a unicorn, I firmly, wholeheartedly believe you did the right thing. We would have done the same thing. We don't have different sets of rules for the little boys than the little girls. So you were right. Its hard to stick to your ethics and rules when faced with a temptation like that, and you did. Pats on the back and kisses, hugs, and kinds of fun stuff to you both for sticking to them.

I didn't mention the gender The person that I spoke of was male.

Actually, we get more "unicorn" action than we do couple action, we don't understand why it happens that way but it usually does. We're looking for bi/bi couples but we usually end up with a "unicorn" or a lesbian couple - which is GREAT, but is a lot of work for the mister... *giggle*

I've been meaning to start a thread about this, perhaps I will.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

Well, if it makes you feel better about having turned down a unicorn, I firmly, wholeheartedly believe you did the right thing. We would have done the same thing.

Thanks! We most definitely would not have gone there. I was just trying to be gentle with her. I thought if I helped her understand better about swinging and solid relationships, she might get something useful out of it and maybe even think about what she's doing.

I even went so far as to say this: "It's none of my business, but have you thought about trying to work on the relationship first, and try to rekindle the spark? Maybe sit him down for a good, long talk and tell him what you've been missing? I'll bet that you're missing the intimacy as much or more than anything - right? Sometimes, amazing and great things can happen when you open up your heart and really let him know."

Seemed like her marriage was going to hell in a handbasket anyway, and a little guidance wouldn't hurt anything. LOL

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by HappyPeople

Actually, we get more "unicorn" action than we do couple action, we don't understand why it happens that way but it usually does.

Do tell!! Where are you meeting your single unicorns??

[HappyPeople]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Do tell!! Where are you meeting your single unicorns??

I will, thread on the way.

[discoandvyper]

All too often the only action we're offered is with single males. That's no big deal, really. We're not looking for them often so it's a lot of "no thanks" and that's that.

However, several times we've been approached by a "single male" that wasn't so single. We're not the kind to hop in bed with someone just because they said let's go, so it's saved our butts when we get approached by these types. We talk extensively with whomever we are interested in before we hit the bedroom.

The moment it becomes apparent that the "single male that's not single" is not truly a single male, we up and leave immediately. I figure if they're going to be rude enough to their spouses and to us by doing what they're doing, we aren't being rude at all for stopping contact. We figure we're doing their wives a favor by cut and running.

There's no excuse for cheating in this lifestyle, male or female. We believe the moment you find out that's what they're doing - male or female - it's time to go look elsewhere.

I mean, who needs boiling rabbit heads on their stove from a pissed off significant other?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

When married cheaters hit on you...
how do you handle them? I'm just curious. Do you find that cheaters who approach swingers just totally don't get it, have no clue what swinging is about? Do you try to educate them somewhat?

We stay clear of anyone we suspect as cheaters.

I think most cheaters don't care if there are swingers who disapprove of what they're doing. I never try to educate them when they write us.

I'm surprised she took your friendly advice so well. If she was unaware of swingers who have play rules that exclude cheaters, she may change her profile so that no one suspects she's cheating. Watch her profile over the next months and see what happens to it. If she lies and cheats on her husband, she'll likely have no problem lying to swingers if it means more people to play with.

Even if she leaves her profile as is, there are many swingers who will play with her because they don't care if she's cheating.

LM

[meandher2go]

if the married cheaters are hot, nice, clean appearing and fun people....we bed them as soon as possible.

me and her are NOT the marriage police.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Even if she leaves her profile as is, there are many swingers who will play with her because they don't care if she's cheating.

True...

Everyone is responsible for their own ethics. Of course, if you have a problem playing with cheaters, you are bound to be called the morality police - which I have yet to understand... But I also don't understand Calculus, and I have managed to shrug that one off too...

Have we played with cheaters?

Maybe...

Not on purpose - but how can you really know? Especially when you are new to the lifestyle... We have gotten (we think) pretty good at getting the "I'm married" vibe off of guys at the club; that or we have just gotten really, really hard on single guys. But - in the beginning I'm willing to bet a donut that we made that mistake.

And to be 100% honest - when we were early into it we might have been tempted by the "married/single" female because we were under the impression that it was really a rare thing (and single men obviously aren't). Now, however, I have had enough FMFs to know that there is no pressure. You can wait for "unicorns" who are both attractive AND single.

I am really surprised you spent so much time talking to her. Early on, we might have too

And since LM is right, eventually she will just move on and find couples that don't care and your advice won't mean a thing

Spoomonkey

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I'm surprised she took your friendly advice so well.

I feel that I tune in to people's vibes pretty well, and I just had a feeling that this one was very green, very newly looking around, dipping her toes in. I sensed a strong sense of loneliness about her (deficits and neglect in the marriage from things she said). I had a sense that speaking kindly to her would have some effect.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Watch her profile over the next months and see what happens to it. If she lies and cheats on her husband, she'll likely have no problem lying to swingers if it means more people to play with.

We don't know of any of her profiles/personals, so we won't see what she does. She emailed us out of the blue, not from our swing personal, but just our Yahoo profile: http://profiles.yahoo.com/tybee_swing_for_two. Not much to go on, but we get hit on from that every now and then.

If she becomes sneakier with swingers and becomes a liar, that's too bad - but I feel good that I tried to share with her how we feel, and why. You never know - something might have struck a chord with her. At least she is better-educated.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Of course, if you have a problem playing with cheaters, you are bound to be called the morality police

That's okay, I'm sure I've been called worse! Still, would rather be me and share where I/we stand on things. I can take the heat.

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Have we played with cheaters? Maybe... Not on purpose - but how can you really know?

Very true! We just don't want to knowingly get involved with cheaters, and we try to avoid it. If they're so slick that they truly fooled us, we don't feel responsible for that.

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I am really surprised you spent so much time talking to her. Early on, we might have too

I felt compelled to exchange a couple of emails with her....it wasn't really too much of my time....because I just had this instinct that she needed to hear it, needed somebody kind to talk to. Call me crazy, but it was what I sensed from her, so I went with it.

Also, another reason I felt she was very green and needed guidance: Her full first and last names were visible in her emails! I notified her of that and told her that for her own safety and security, she might want to fix that option in her email account, taking her last name out. She seemed somehow gullible and not at all wise about all of this. Can you tell I'm trying to avoid the word "stupid"? LOL!

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

And since LM is right, eventually she will just move on and find couples that don't care and your advice won't mean a thing

Well, you just never know. What if she realized she was making a mistake in the direction she was going, and before any damage is done, decides to turn toward working on her marriage and talks to her husband, after all? Maybe they could crack things open between them and work it all out. I'm an optimist....It could happen.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

"The swing Lifestyle is great because couples are open with each other and share their fantasies. They can live them out together, which makes it all 10x sexier. In swinging, there aren't any secrets or sneaking around - it's all out on the table. When you're experiencing wonderful sexual adventures together as a couple, it's like a great adventure, and the openness brings you even closer as a couple." I also asked gently if her husband knew of her fantasies and her pursuits: "Does your husband know about your being bi-curious? If not, I'll bet it would turn him on to know. Are you planning on not telling him about your adventures?"

Very classy, Tybee !!!