Unmarried couple can only meet during the day. Are they really a couple?

[2jersey]

We were contacted by a couple whose profile volunteers the following pertinent information: They are unmarried and looking for daytime play.

The overall profile is attractive, including nice photos (with faces disguised), and their bedroom objectives are compatible with ours.

In our reply message, we inform them that we have some capacity for daytime meetings and we suggest that there might be a fit. We disclose a few basic facts about ourselves and we say that we would like to learn more about them (without asking any specific questions).

In their next message, they volunteer the information that they are not living together. And they explain that daytime play is necessary because their children return home from school around 3PM. (They mention nothing about having evening obligations, other than the fact that they have school age children.)

Okay - we consider ourselves to be selective and careful (others might apply more derogatory terminology). Yet, we generally exhibit good manners, and we certainly don’t want to insult anyone by asking insinuating questions.

What’s our next move?

[LICouple4u]

Dear

It sounds like we're pretty compatible and we're interested in meeting. After checking our calendar and calling the sitter, it seems our next available date is . Let us know if you have any ideas of where you'd like to meet.

We look forward to hearing from you soon!

Sincerely,
TwoJersey



It's possible you'll hear why they can't meet at night. You could also come right out and ask directly if meeting at night is possible. It could be financial (babysitters ARE expensive) or maybe they work nights.

Good luck!

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

In their next message, they volunteer the information that they are not living together...And they explain that daytime play is necessary because their children return home from school around 3PM.

And their respective spouses shortly thereafter...

[Lovinlife59912]

Is it just me or are you missing the point that they are unmarried, do not live [u]together[u], and "their" meaning they both have kids that come home by 3pm.

Why don't you just ask if it would be easier to invite both of their spouses because you know the saying, more the merrier.

I would think that honesty would be a good quality to have in the couples you eventually want to play with.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by JnCC

And their respective spouses shortly thereafter...

Not necessarily....

Anyone who has children of school age knows that the rat race starts at 3 p.m. ...I know it does around here (after school activities, homework, dinner, etc. )...hell, there are some nights we're lucky to get things settled down before 10 p.m..

Originally Posted by 2jersey

What’s our next move?

If you're interested in this couple, then ask whatever questions you want. That's the only way you're going to get the information you're looking for.


Teresa

[slowluvr65]

This is just my quick impression, but normally when I even get to the point of chatting with somebody one on one, the bullshit and the secrets go out the window. There is a key difference between things that are posted on the internet that can be seen by ANYBODY or a private communication between interested partners. Granted, I am a single male and I actively seek a real meeting. I freely disclose how to reach me and in private, if there is anything happening between us, we exchange pictures and such. If it gets more serious, we talk about how to meet. Some people are cautious and we meet publicly, others have gotten past the pretence or have learned through our communication that I am trustworthy. Phone numbers are exchanged, voice communication takes place. The key thing I am pointing to is, honest communication is taking happening. If you get incomplete information, hidden photos, no phone number etc., that is a key sign that some B.S. is happening. It is essential to recognize that with anybody you are going to be intimate with. There's a funny thing about honesty, its not selective. If somebody lies about their social situation, they also could be lying about their health situation.

I'll go further, and I'm sorry that I point this at females, but this does seem to be a female trait in the sexual dynamic. Women like to tease. They seem to feel that because teasing in person is so much fun, that it is also fun in this on line social dance we do to try to arrange a meeting. Some get sufficient gratification from men telling them how hot they are, some think that its fun to advertise but they don't follow through. And for us eager men its a cruel trait when we think we have an interested, hot woman but she doesn't show up. It is the hardest thing to try to figure out who is real and who is teasing.

Men are much more direct--you know what they want. If the offer is to join in fucking their wife or partner, we have a match. Not that men are free from fault. There are a lot of cheaters and fakers. I hear a lot of complaints (OK, some come in the form of accusations) about married men sneaking into these situations without their wives knowing about it. Other guys apparently send out photos of men they are no longer, or never were. And what happens when something different shows up? What do they think will happen?

Even though I have gotten no actual results from here, the reason I keep coming back to this site is the people here seem honest, genuine and real. And in the on line world, that is rather unique.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

We were contacted by a couple whose profile volunteers the following pertinent information: They are unmarried and looking for daytime play.

In their next message, they volunteer the information that they are not living together. And they explain that daytime play is necessary because their children return home from school around 3PM. (They mention nothing about having evening obligations, other than the fact that they have school age children.)

Okay - we consider ourselves to be selective and careful (others might apply more derogatory terminology). Yet, we generally exhibit good manners, and we certainly don’t want to insult anyone by asking insinuating questions.

What’s our next move?

Anytime I read a profile from people saying they are looking for daytime play I am suspicious. To me this is code for "we're married/committed to other people and are cheating on them and are looking for others to join us in our escapades, want to join us?"

You've mentioned nothing about them offering to meet on the weekend so I'll presume this isn't an option for them, but even if they do bend and say "maybe" to that, I still think they're probably cheaters.

I don't touch these kind of requests with a ten foot poll. You can ask them if they are married to other people, but what good would it do? They'll probably lie to you. Then were are you? If they say no you still have to decide if you believe them and if you will accept their invitation to meet.

Of course all this advice is presuming you wouldn't be interested in playing with cheaters. If this doesn't matter to you, there is no need to ask them to clarify more about their relationship, all you need to say is "let's get together for some afternoon delight."

LM

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by TNT

Anyone who has children of school age knows that the rat race starts at 3 p.m. ...I know it does around here (after school activities, homework, dinner, etc. )...hell, there are some nights we're lucky to get things settled down before 10 p.m.

Oh, I know...I've been there and done that. But I also know that it's possible to arrange for babysitters, or alternate "sleepover" nights with other kids parents, so that both sets of parents can enjoy an occasional, kid-free, night out. Then there's the fact that most "single" parents only have their kids on alternate weekends anyway. Why wouldn't they be willing to meet on a weekend when their kids are at the other parents?

The bottom-line, irreducable fact here is that it's a lot easier to schedule an evening away from your kids, than it is from your wife or husband. This isn't a "dating" couple...it's a cheating couple who are not only tired of fucking their spouses, they're tired of fucking each other, too. Now, they're looking for somebody else to bring into their miserable, lonely existence.

"Daytime play" only, "because of the kids," eh? Kewl...tell 'em you're all for it, but it'll have to be at one of their houses, and see what kind of response you get.

[2jersey]

Hopefully it is obvious to most people that we posted this story to the board because we are concerned that one or both members of the couple are married and cheating on a spouse. If this were the case, it would be a clear deal breaker – we would not be interested.

It seems that we have two choices when it comes to discerning this couple’s marital status. We can engage the couple in polite conversation about their lives, and attempt to read between the lines. Or we can ask them a direct question and hope we receive an honest answer.

The best case scenario is that they are each divorced (and committed to one another) and have a rational reason for not living together. Perhaps they want to hide their relationship from their children. Divorce can be painful for young children, and it can be made worse if mommy or daddy suddenly has a new lover. We actually know a man who is in this very situation.

Assuming they are divorced, they may be limited to daytime play because they are unwilling to entrust their children to babysitters (or can’t afford babysitters). It is also possible that they have a separate evening obligation which they did not mention - but judging from the wording of their message to us, we don’t think this is the case.

A middle-of-the-road scenario is that they are separated from their spouses, but not yet divorced. In this case, we will probably err on the side of caution and avoid them until their divorce is complete.

One way or another – we will figure it out before we get anywhere near the bedroom. And don’t worry, people, we will do the right thing.

[KajiKurai]

Sounds like you're taking the smart approach. You can always ask the straight out. See if they fluster. I would also keep in mind they've lied to you once.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

The best case scenario is that they are each divorced (and committed to one another) and have a rational reason for not living together. Perhaps they want to hide their relationship from their children. Divorce can be painful for young children, and it can be made worse if mommy or daddy suddenly has a new lover.

You can rationalize this anyway you want, but an unmarried couple who can "only play in the afternoons" will raise the suspicions of 99.999% of the couples in the lifestyle, and for good reason.

Just a question, but what if it were a single male who was only available in the afternoons? Would you assume he was just a "caring father" who didn't want to confuse his poor innocent child, or a married cheater who tells his wife he's been working in the office all afternoon?

A middle-of-the-road scenario is that they are separated from their spouses, but not yet divorced.

That still doesn't explain why they're only available in the afternoons. In fact, if anything, it mitigates against it, because separated people often share parenting duties on weekends until there's a final resolution regarding custody.

Assuming they are divorced, they may be limited to daytime play because they are unwilling to entrust their children to babysitters (or can’t afford babysitters).

That's possible, or....they could be Vampires! Yea, I like that better! They're Vampires, and they don't like to meet in the evening because, well, they have this annoying tendency to kill people and suck their blood, and it's really starting to give them a bad reputation in the swinging community.

Hey...at least my story makes more sense than the one they're giving you...

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Just a question, but what if it were a single male who was only available in the afternoons? Would you assume he was just a "caring father" who didn't want to confuse his poor innocent child, or a married cheater who tells his wife he's been working in the office all afternoon?

We would be suspicious of a single male in that situation, and we are suspicious of this couple - hopefully we have made this clear.

We started down the communications path with this couple before we realized that they weren't living together. Now that we have this fact, we don't see the harm in investigating further. We ask a few questions, dig for some detail, and if we aren't completely satisfied that this couple is legit, we walk away - no big deal. You have a problem with this approach?

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

We started down the communications path with this couple before we realized that they weren't living together. Now that we have this fact, we don't see the harm in investigating further. We ask a few questions, dig for some detail, and if we aren't completely satisfied that this couple is legit, we walk away - no big deal. You have a problem with this approach?

It's not my call, even if they are married to other people and cheating together. You made a comment in a previous post...

"we are concerned that one or both members of the couple are married and cheating on a spouse. If this were the case, it would be a clear deal breaker..."

It just occurred to me that their situation was highly suspicous. Since it's important to you that they not be cheaters, and since I assumed you were asking for comments on the situation, I was only offering my $.02 worth.

One thing I've noticed as a quasi-outsider to all this, is that this "lifestyle" thing is attended by a fair amount of bullshit. (So is the vanilla dating world, but that's a subject for another message board) At the very core are some really strong couples in some amazingly strong relationships..."Supercouples" as one of my friends puts it. There's very little bullshit with those people. They are who they say they are, they know what they're looking for, and they don't have much patience (or sympathy) for those whose standards for marriage are less than theirs.

On the periphery, however, are people who are desparately trying to be swingers, but who never really are. Some of those are couples who might be in a "relationship" of sorts, but it's not one that would pass muster with a true "Supercouple." Two people who are cheating on their respective spouses, would be a perfect example of that type of couple. Their world is almost EXCLUSIVELY bullshit. They'll often cancel plans at the last minute...they can't take calls at home, and you can talk to one, but never both, when you do call...they're evasive about personally identifying characteristics, such as where they work or live...they can't meet in public place (or in their hometown)...and the biggie...they can't play on weeknights or weekends, when most legitimate couples would be spending time together and available to play.

I'd like to see you follow up with these people. Play detective, feel 'em out, see what other kinds of "restrictions" they have on their playtime. Maybe they're legit, maybe they're shift workers or something. But my guess is that as you start pressing for specifics, they're going to get very uncomfortable, and dissapear entirely...possibly after accusing you of "prying into their business."

Keep us posted...

[kandr2000]

Although I am not really answering your question, I just wanted to let you all know that when I divorced my first husband 10 years ago, I have my two kids since then 24/7. My dad watches them sometimes but they didnt start seeeing their dad on the weekends until this year. And it still isnt an every weekend thing, I have FULL physical and legal custody.

Also if they are working single parents as I was back then, I only had a babysitter when I went to work(dad again) and I worked from 3:30 pm to 2am. So it may not be cheating. I played plenty when I was single, and always had to work it around my kids(my first priority) and work. When you are just fu**ing someone you really dont want them around your kids......just as you wouldnt bring most people your swinging with home to meet your kids.

I have 2 kids from previous marriage (we have custody of) My husband has 2 from previous marriage (we have custody of them too) and we have 2 together(under 4 years) His two for years where only seeing their mom 1st and 3rd weekend.

All Im trying to say is you never know, trust your instincts and ask questions......Thats the only way to know for sure.

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by JnCC

... I'd like to see you follow up with these people. Play detective, feel 'em out, see what other kinds of "restrictions" they have on their playtime. Maybe they're legit, maybe they're shift workers or something. But my guess is that as you start pressing for specifics, they're going to get very uncomfortable, and dissapear entirely...possibly after accusing you of "prying into their business." ...

As a next step, we're going to ask this couple to chat with us online on a weekday evening, and we are going to request a simultaneous voice verification via phone. If they balk at this request, we're finished with them. If they accept, and the chat goes well, we'll agree to meet them for lunch sometime and we'll investigate further. By the time we're finished with them, we'll probably know everything from their social security numbers to the names of their pet goldfish.

Sanctimonious soapbox alert!!! No matter what we do as individuals, we're not going to rid the world of cheaters. But we intend to do our part to limit the opportunities which cheaters have within the 'lifestyle'.