We really like her but she's lieing to her husband.

[blondie77]

Ok, I've never asked for help here before, but I read the posts a lot and I know all of you give such great advice. I have a situation which I would like a little advice/idea on. I will try to give you as much info as I can to help you help me...haha. My husband and I love each other and respect each other a great deal, and have been in the lifestyle for just under a year. We are very happy with each other and the lifestyle that we've chosen. My senerio is this: We've gotten close to a female who often shares our bedroom and personal life. She is someone we've met online and lives close enough to us to see every week. Not only has she become our friend, but she's also become our lover. The question is this: We both knew she was married before we became "friends" with her...but she said her husband wasn't in the "lifestyle" and that they really didn't get along that well. A long story short...We knew her and not her husband, but because we've become such good friends, have gotten to know her husband just lately...the last few weeks. We really like her hubby and more to the point, we really enjoy the time we spend with her. What we want to know is this: her hubby knows nothing about her "other life" and because we've recently met him, we are now having second thoughts about involving her in our life. We don't want to give her up, but at the same time we like him and don't want to be apart of her lie. Have any of you dealt with anything like this? What did you do? What should we do? We don't feel it's our place to tell him and we wont do that......but should we continue to see her in light of all this? Any advice or similar stories would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[KajiKurai]

Her dishonesty would be a deal breaker. My SO and I wouldn't walk, we'd run from that situation. Even if she were to be "honest" with her husband at this point the trust is gone. My SO and I were discussing profiles that women post and how many are married claiming that there husband knows and approves. We've decided to verfiy with the husband. We have no intention of being part of the destruction of a marriage.

Sorry that you're going through this experience.

[sereneiders]

blondie,

I am sorry for the situation you're dealing with.

Most of us often advice against swinging with cheaters as if they were singles, because of the drama this may turn into.

Yours is a perfect example for this drama: now you two are tearing because of the opposed feelings you have. As for me, this fits the drama definition: now you're spending your time and you're under an emotional stress because of the position she put you two into, first by turning you into her "ceating" affairs, then by allowing feelings to develop, and again by introducing her cheated husband to you two (and I cannot understand what lead her to do so, moreover if she knows there are feelings involved).

In any case, it is HER problem. She's the only one who can do something about it, IF there is something to do able to lead to a good outcome. If she treasure your threesome relationship as much as you do, I'd tell her how do you feel and ask her to do something about it. She may choose NOT to do it and to leave things as they are today, proving you how much she really care about you two in the proccess (no matter what she want to do, even if she choose to stop swinging with you two, it could be a way to take care of your feelings), but you'd find out. At least I think it's important for you to know if the three of you are or not in the same page here.

[pumpkins1970]

Dito, we're sorry to hear your problem, but you should come clean with your woman friend and tell her that you cannot keep this relationship alive in its current form. We don't play with anybody at all that both parts of the couple aren't involved, or don't have the knowledge or consent of the other partner.

[EvilMJ]

I don't know what to tell you here. If it was me there probably wouldn't have been a situation because our rule is we don't play with cheaters. She may be a lovely woman and you have a great time, but I don't think I would enjoy it too much if I knew I was knowingly participating in something that was going to hurt another person.

So you can either tell her you are just going to be friends and no sex, continue on as you are, or ask her to let her husband knowwhat is going on. THere is no easy answer here and ultimately it is up to you what you are comfortable living with.

[sexyshelby]

Yep, Dito

It seems like a mess that I wouldn't want to be a part of. If you want to stay friends with them, as a couple, then go for it. But the "lover" relationship has to end. It's dishonest and unfair.

~SS

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by blondie77

Ok, I've never asked for help here before, but I read the posts a lot and I know all of you give such great advice. I have a situation which I would like a little advice/idea on. I will try to give you as much info as I can to help you help me...haha. My husband and I love each other and respect each other a great deal, and have been in the lifestyle for just under a year. We are very happy with each other and the lifestyle that we've chosen. My senerio is this: We've gotten close to a female who often shares our bedroom and personal life. She is someone we've met online and lives close enough to us to see every week. Not only has she become our friend, but she's also become our lover. The question is this: We both knew she was married before we became "friends" with her...but she said her husband wasn't in the "lifestyle" and that they really didn't get along that well. A long story short...We knew her and not her husband, but because we've become such good friends, have gotten to know her husband just lately...the last few weeks. We really like her hubby and more to the point, we really enjoy the time we spend with her. What we want to know is this: her hubby knows nothing about her "other life" and because we've recently met him, we are now having second thoughts about involving her in our life. We don't want to give her up, but at the same time we like him and don't want to be apart of her lie. Have any of you dealt with anything like this? What did you do? What should we do? We don't feel it's our place to tell him and we wont do that......but should we continue to see her in light of all this? Any advice or similar stories would be much appreciated. Thanks.

And THIS is a good example of why I am so adamant in warning people to stay right the hell away from cheaters. It just makes for a bad - and drama-filled - situation all around. I would've advised you right from the start to tell this woman to get the hell home and fix her marriage. She isn't not swinging (at least not by MY definition); she's just plain cheating. It doesn't matter to me if it's with one person, with two or with twenty. Cheatin' is cheatin'.

My advice now? WALK AWAY. There is no way to salvage this stuation until she is honest with her husband, and even then, do you suppose, once he's found out that you were fucking his wife behind his back, that he'll just say, "Oh! Well, please! Continue!" I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but ye reap what ye sow.

[Alura]

I think we all agree that y'all should not have entered this friendship, but "shouldadones" don't count. The only course now is to solve the problem.

It seems to me that y'all have two, maybe three, choices. Y'all can either include him and do some couples swinging or you can try to "break up" with her. There is no assurance that telling her y'all don't want to see her any more will go smoothly. It could have some horrible results.

The third choice would be to just keep fucking until he finds out. That would probably be the worst and most dangerous decision.

We have to side with Pumpkins and suggest that y'all have a long talk with your lady friend and make the decision equally, between the three of you.

Probably the best outcome, at this point, would be to bring him into the threesome without his ever knowing that it existed before. Y'all can plan to "come clean" on the twentieth anniversary of your first foursome.

Mr. Alura

[blondie77]

Thanks all for your honesty! I really do appriciate it...trust me. Just to clarify we didn't go into this "relationship" with our eyes open...we were told her hubby wasn't in the lifestyle but didn't really care if she did it...which now seems kind of stupid to me. At the time it made sense, don't ask me why. We know now never to assume and to ask the right kind of questions and not to trust so blindly. We will talk to her and I hope all goes well with that. We would like to continue to see her, but at this point I think she needs to take time away to work on her marriage and perhaps be honest with him...but that's up to her. However I do agree with ya'll that we need to distance ourselves from her and this situation. I never thought of us as helping her cheat, but I guess that's exactly what we're doing. Thanks all for bringing this into the light for us.......I really love this board and all the advice and things I've learned. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Either knowingly or unknowingly? It would be interesting to me to know if this is pretty common or not. Again, thanks!

[nwpacouple16404]

Yeah I don't know how many ppl we have met online that say their partner doesn't know, etc. We stay the hell away from them. I guess we are lucky in the fact that we are both into it. I'd give up swinging for him if he wanted me to, and he says the same.

[intuition897]

Sorry again if I seemed harsh in my reply, although I do mean well. It probably made more sense at the time because everyone was horny. It happens. And for her, it was likely easier to conveniently leave out certain things...like the fact that her husband didn't know, but she assumed he wouldn't mind...than to tell the whole truth and maybe miss out on an opportunity for some fun.

Common? Yeah, this seems to be a pretty common occurence, unfortunately. I think if there was a Top Ten Pitfalls of Swinging, this one would rank up near the top.

[fun4Ds]

ours is a little diffrent story,we dont need to tell ya what ya did was wrong and we hope everything works out.. as for us here's what happend . we met a couple that we really hit it of with. good sex and great personalities.every thing out in the open? so we thaught. Mrs fun was having some problems with the female half but the hubby was becoming such a good friend. mrs.fun could overlook a few things. so after learning that the other female was telling mrs.fun the (dont tell him this or that) i just kinda figured ok girl stuff.us guys dont have to know everything. well it just got worse and worse till we were rite in the line of fire. mrs.fun really had a time with it because the hubby of the other cpl was just so damb great.actually becomming really a good friend. i side with my wife above ALL. so we broke it off . yes they cant even understand why im shure, but that is our line not to cross when (dont tell this or that happens) its not worth it. its not worth what WE have. we see the other cpl from time to time but till they understand our rules NO SWINGING.

[lovedoctor]

If you knew she was married and her husband had no knowledge of her sexual encounters, then you are not swinging with her, you're cheating with her. Guilt by association. Now that you know her spouse, you are having second thoughts?! Follow your instincts and leave well enough alone. Not only would I recommend not seeing her any more sexually, I wouldn't try to keep them as friends. All three of you betrayed him. Use it as a learning experience, and cut the ties...

[Chandler]

Same here. When I meet a couple, I always request seeing both up front, or at least both before any intimacy. Cheating is a BIG problem! You must require her to tell her husband. I wish you both the best of luck!

[sereneiders]

It's har to set appart our personal beliefs and moral standards, i.e. what whe would and not would do, whit the advice to solve your problem here.

Most of us were not going to be in such a situation in first place, then, it is good to say "WE KNEW", "I TOLD YOU", because this is a perfect example of the things we want to avoid for ourselves and advice others not to do beforehand.

But, it's done, it's pointless to keep beaten the dead horse. You have feelings for this woman, and NOW you have something to loose, many things to loose, no matter where you look at, and we should be respectfull about this.

We don't cheat, we don't endorse cheating, we wouldn't swing with a cheater, we all know this. But cheating happens, some times it's the only way one relation finishes, some times it's the only way a new one develops. Wheter we like it or not, it happens and relationsips that start as cheating on someone from a previos relatioship, once stabished, deserve the same treatment and respect than any other relationship.

I want to point out all of this because if not, it wouldn't be clear if we're providing advice here, or if we were punishing you for what you did that we doesn't endorse.

But the outcome is the same, and the advice people gave to you fits anyway.