Female in a couple cheated with us...maybe

[JaneAndJohnDoe]

Hi everyone,

I have a situation we're not sure how to handle. I'm hoping you guys might be able to offer some sage wisdom.

OK, here's the situation...

We met a fabulous couple that we hit it off with immediately. All four of us had chemistry, which we were all happy about. The husband travels a lot for his business, so it has been difficult to arrange an actual evening of fun, but the anticipation hasn't been a bad thing. At the end of our first dinner meeting, the husband of the other couple said to us "If I'm ever out of town and you girls want to play, go right ahead".

We didn't think much of it, as we had no intention of playing without him present.

However, a couple of weeks later, we were planning on going to a local Meet and Greet. We asked them if they would like to join us. The lady said her husband was going to be out of town, but she would love to come with us, for the company.

We didn't think anything of it, since, again, we had no intention of doing anything more than mild flirting with her.

She came with us, and we all had a wonderful time. We flirted like crazy, and it was a lot of fun that my guy had two women on his arm.

When we left, we drove her home, and she asked us in for coffee. I think we all knew what was going to happen, and it was ok, because the husband had already said that he would not mind if the girls played in his absence.

My husband's intention was to strictly watch, which was fine with me.

Well, things heated up between she and I, and within a short while, we found ourselves naked in front of her fireplace. We decided to take it upstairs to her bedroom.

We continued the fun, and all the while, my husband stayed distant, watching attentively, of course.

At one point, she suggested I take care of my man while she was going down on me. That sounded like fun, so we started doing that. However, she quickly lunged towards his cock, rather abruptly, and before we had a chance to stop her.

My husband gently popped himself out of her mouth and moved away to a safer distance. He lost his erection pretty damned fast, though, and it stayed lost for the rest of the time. Neither he nor I were very comfortable anymore!

The heat dwindled after a short time, and we kind of stopped. I turned to her and asked her "Are you sure your husband won't mind about tonight?"...and her response really upset John and I.

She said "He doesn't have to know. In fact, he didn't want me to go to the Meet and Greet tonight, so I'd appreciate if you don't tell him".

Oh Man! This was exactly what we never wanted to involve ourselves into!

Now we're faced with a predicament. We never expected to hear from them again, because we figured the lady would be too worried about her husband finding out what happened.

BUT...

The husband has been nagging her to make arrangements to finally have our FIRST encounter together, and we have no idea how to handle this situation. They want to have an evening with us this coming Friday, and they plan to meet us at the next Meet and Greet.

This is a possible problem, because although we can keep a secret if we have to (although we don't want to have this lie hanging in the air), there were others who met the lady at the last Meet and Greet, and they will surely recognize her again.

She's as good as caught, and we're stuck in the middle of this. We don't want him to be hurt. We genuinely like him. And we don't want to be embarassed either by the whole situation.

Does anyone have any advice?

Here are some possible ways of attacking this. Any comments welcome:

1. Should I call the woman on the phone, hopefully without her husband there, so I can ask her if he knows? (if he is there, I can ask her discreetly with simple yes/no answers)

2. Should I email her and subtly ask her a question that can imply the "situation" to see how she responds (keeping in mind that her husband sees the email as well)

3. Since she lives near us, I could easily drop in to say hi, and if the husband happens to be there, ask her discreetly at some point when the husband isn't around. (Let's not forget that the husband would probably wonder how we know their address)

4. Bite the bullet, go to the Meet and Greet, and play it by ear. If this is the option, then what should we do if someone recognizes her?

After all this, the option still remains that she may have already told her husband everything, and I certainly hope that's the case. We're planning for what to do in case she hasn't.

5. If she did tell him, but only told him half the story, for example "I went to the Meet with them, but nothing happened between us" or "I went to the Meet, and she and I played (but doesn't tell him about her lunging for my husband's parts)", then we're in a further bind, because we may inadvertently spill the beans, not being certain of how much she told him.

So, the question is: how do we find out not only if she told him, but what she told him?

6. At the Meet, should we sort of spend most of our time with other people, rather than them, even though the plan is to go to the hotel with them afterwards? My thoughts are that I can discreetly go to the bathroom with her (you know how girls are LOL) and ask her early in the evening. This seems to me the most viable option.

7. Or....?

They are a genuinely nice couple, and our feeling is that she was really lonely without him. We would hate to be the cause of strife between them.

And in the end, we also accept part of the blame, here. Although we were told that her husband knew about her joining us at the meet (which we discovered to be a lie only AFTER the fact), we also should have questioned her a little more thoroughly before we decided to go to her place.

(But then again, if she was deadset on lying to us to have her way, how would we have known otherwise? We were not only going by what she told us but also what her husband told us as well, when he said it was "ok" for the girls to play in his absence.)

Thoughts...?

[BiloxiCouple]

I believe your instincts have already told you what to do. You are looking for confirmation. RUN AWAY!!

I can't say it more simply than that. Stay away.

My instincts would also tell me to stay away.

Don't lie, cheat or steal.

You don't want to get involved in their problems. Or make them yours.

So many cliches and so little time.

[lovedoctor]

Since a little time has passed, this is a good time to talk to her anyway and I think it would be better handled between the two of you.

I would just tell her how you feel ~that you really like them and are interested in them as a couple, but you don't feel comfortable about what happened when the three of you were together. Remember, you and your hubby thought you had "the green light" and she was the one who stepped over the line. I'd suggest telling her that from now on the three of you won't be "together" in any way that would compromise your or her relationship with her husband. Everyone should be allowed a slip, but you don't want to make it a habit. Give her the benefit of the doubt, once. Let her know that you don't feel comfortable keeping secrets and see what she says.

If she's told him, then no big deal. You are not going to talk to him about the details of the encounter, but you don't want to hide that it happened. If she hasn't told him, then you and your hubby have to decide where to go from there with this couple. I would probably not take it any further. You know that she has done something you don't consider right, but you can't force her to tell him. But you don't have to play into it. Even though you like them as a couple, if you can't trust her now, imagine where this could lead. Do you really want that drama?

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[slolrner]

You see all of those ads that say,"no drama."

Well you are in the middle of one now, and you can understand why people put the no drama disclaimer in their ads.

No good way out of this one, looks like you will have to right them off.

[Sweet_Candy]

Run Jane and John Doe, run!

[sexyshelby]

Run away. Run fast and run far.

But since you're already caught in this mess, I would suggest politely telling the wife that what she did makes you two feel uncomfortable and you don't think that the four of you should play. Assuming you will all still be at the Meet, you can be polite to them, but I wouldn't want to get too close to them. Clearly they have issues that need to be worked out and you shouldn't get involved.

~SS

[Better Half]

Originally Posted by JaneAndJohnDoe

I turned to her and asked her "Are you sure your husband won't mind about tonight?"...and her response really upset John and I. She said "He doesn't have to know. In fact, he didn't want me to go to the Meet and Greet tonight, so I'd appreciate if you don't tell him".

My initial reaction was to say that you should talk things over and see if it could be worked out. After thinking about it for a while, that would not be my recommendation. Here is why.

IMO, the big problem here is not that she made a move for your husband against previous expecations. While that is certainly a problem, things can get out of hand and need to be reeled in, and that can lead to better communication between everyone. The problem is that after the rules and expectations were broken, she made it clear that she didn't want her husband to know, and implicitly asked you to participate in the deception.

Since my wife accuses me (and all men) of quoting from movies too much, here is one from Kinsey. "Sex is a risky game, because if you're not careful, it will cut you wide open." The way that swingers keep from getting cut is to be completely honest with each other. After all, once a couple admits to each other that they want to have sex with other people, what's the point in lying after that? This wife, who is not only dishonest with her husband but actively hides stuff from him, is bringing trouble to the couple. I would try to get out of the upcoming debris field.

Originally Posted by JaneAndJohnDoe

... although we can keep a secret if we have to ...

I think it would be harmful to keep the secret, at least the way that she wants to. You certainly shouldn't feel a need to spill the beans, but you could tell the husband that you no longer feel comfortable playing with them. If he asks why, say that you don't feel comfortable talking about it but that his wife can probably explain it. Don't rat her out, but don't cover for her, either. You probably wouldn't want anyone to do that if the roles were reversed.

Originally Posted by JaneAndJohnDoe

... she may have already told her husband everything ...

It is unlikely that she told everything. Can you imagine her saying, "And when it was all over I told them that you didn't know and asked them to keep it secret from you."? If she did, then congratulations to her; her honesty will help them get through this hard time. From what you have said, though, she doesn't sound like someone that has a lot of remorse about what happened.

Originally Posted by JaneAndJohnDoe

... we also accept part of the blame, here ...

I don't agree. You played within the rules as you knew them. You had been given blanket permission; it doesn't sound like he expected you to get specific permission each time. So maybe next time you are more specific each time, but don't put any of the blame for this on you; it belongs on one person only.

Mr. MyBetterHalf

[getnit2gethr]

Everyone posted good advice in my opinion but 'Better Half' nailed it.

[intuition897]

Yup, BetterHalf is definitely on the right track.

For the sake of discretion and avoiding embarrassment, I would find some way to get this sorted out before they make the huge mistake of going to the meet&greet on Friday.

If this were us, I would be seriously pissed off that we were put in a position where we were asked to lie for someone...to their spouse, especially!! I think I would've been tempted, when we were asked to not tell her husband, to say that we could not promise such a thing, and it is very unfair to ask it of us. OBviously, Chickie needs to get a few things straight with her husband, and until that happens, there will be no more playing. Period. Will we rat on her? No, we wouldn't go out of our way to do that, because it's none of our business. But don't go MAKING our business, because you'll likely be pretty disappointed in our lack of "game-playing" skills. We don't want to be within 100 miles of the situation; it's bad enough hearing from your spouse that you've been lied to, betrayed and made a fool of, so how much more so to have spectators to the event, or to be told by someone else?

If I were you, I would not necessarily avoid them, but I'd go as far as not bringing the subject up. The onus is on the other woman to 'fess up and make things right. You were both mislead, and even though she failed to do so, you two were sensitive to and respectful of her husband's feelings. Tell them both that you will no longer play with them. If they press you for an answer, you might go as far as suggesting that the husband discuss that with his wife. Although that's bordering on meddling, in our book. It would be tempting to do just that, though.

[good times]

If I were in your situation, I would call her up and tell her that having thought it over you cannot in good conscience, be a part of helping her deceive her husband, and should the subject come up when you are together, that you will not lie about it. This would put the ball in her court and relieve you of the responsibility of keeping this secret from her husband in the future. I agree with what some of the others said though, this would be too much drama for me, and I would drop them and move on.

[JaneAndJohnDoe]

You guys are absolutely awesome, and John and I really appreciate your feedback on this issue.

We really didn't want to get sucked into any drama. After all, swinging is supposed to be fun, an activity reserved for mature adults who are open and honest with their partners. aarrgghh!

Here's what we've decided to do...

See, when the couple contacted us again and wanted to get together, we were floored. We were the ones that suggested that since we were going to be at the Meet and Greet this Friday, they should join us there and we could go to a hotel afterwards. We thought "hey, if she hasn't told him about what happened, then she's going to find an excuse to never show her face at the Meet and Greet, out of fear of being caught".

Imagine our confusion when they replied that they would LOVE to be at the Meet with us. It leaves us with all these questions.

"Did she tell him? If she did, why has neither he nor she mentioned this at all?"

"Is she just not smart enough to realize he is going to catch her in her lie if she shows up to the Meet and others recognize her?"

"If someone recognizes her there, what the heck is she going to say to cover up?"

So, here we thought we were being so smart by saying "Come to the Meet and Greet", because we thought that would solve the problem completely.

*sigh*

I hate drama!

Anyway, so what we're planning to do is go to the Meet as planned. We have a few other people we are looking forward to seeing there, so no matter what, we're going to have a fabulous time!

If they show up (at this point, I have to wonder if she'll dare) then I will immediately find an excuse to whisk her off to the ladies room, and I will flat out ask her if she told him. If she says "no", then I'll point out the absurdity of her being there where others will recognize her, and explain that this puts us in a really awkward position, and we can't play with people who are dishonest with one another.

I will inform her that if asked, I will tell her husband that yes, she did come to the Meet and Greet with us a few weeks ago, and we had a wonderful time. I will also tell her that we refuse to lie for her, and if he asks us if we played, I will tell the truth. I refuse to lie for anyone.

If she's pissed off, then so be it. She can leave and explain it to her hubby later, or not, as she sees fit. We're not here to help them with their marriage. I didn't put a plaque on my door announcing marital therapy when we decided to be swingers.

We're here for fun, frolic, and good times with people who "get it". If these two don't "get it", then they'll never "get it" from us either. LOL

[intuition897]

That sounds like a really good idea. I have NO idea what this girl must be thinking, going to the meet after all this. Did she figure you were going to get everyone else to lie for her too? :rollseyes We wish you both luck this Friday, and hope nothing too dramatic happens to spoil the evening in any way.

[lovedoctor]

Jane,

You seem to have a firm grasp of the situation and a very mature solution. Sounds like your plan will both allow you to go to the Meet n Greet and take care of your problem regardless of if she has talked to her hubby or not. Hopefully she has.

I am wondering, what is your plan if she has squared things away with him?

Good luck!

LD

[JaneAndJohnDoe]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Did she figure you were going to get everyone else to lie for her too?

Maybe she thinks we're all powerful and able to control the masses with our minds. LOL

I can just picture this...

One of the other attendees starts to open their mouth and say "Hi __insert name__", but with one glance, I am able to predict that and instantly glare menacingly in that person's direction, thus ensuring they never utter the words at all.

Riiiiight.

ROFLOL

I think if she shows up without telling her husband first, then she's about as dumb as a box of rocks, or she thinks her husband is. Either way, we don't want to play with that.

[JaneAndJohnDoe]

Originally Posted by lovedoctor

I am wondering, what is your plan if she has squared things away with him?

That's a good question. I suppose if she 'fesses up, then there's nothing for us to be uncomfortable about. After all, she might have screwed up by coming out with us that night against her husband's wishes, but her courage in confessing to her husband would speak volumes about her commitment to their relationship.

So, if we learn that she has told him everything, and I do mean everything including the fact that she wanted to include my own husband, who graciously declined the offer, then we'll need to decide at that point how we both feel about playing with them.

That part of it will have to be decided with our gut instinct "in the moment", since we're not sure if we're going to be able to be "warm" about them again after this happened. I have no idea if the sparks are still going to be there, or if they will be too severely muted after this situation occured.

But, whatever happens, I'll be certain to let you know...