Kicked out of club ... swinging together, married to others

[LookingTenn]

Hi, My boyfriend and I were attending a local off premise swingers club. We really liked the people and the atmosphere. We attended 2 partys and were planning to attend the 3rd this weekend. I got a phone call last night telling me basicly we were not welcomed becouse my boyfriend is married. Now we are a commited couple, have been together over a year have a small but thriving bussness together. But he is married and will be that way till his 14 year old is out of school and on her own or in collage. His and his wife have not "been together" in 12 years. But the group says he can only go with his wife or someone he lives with. That is the only way they concider a commited couple. My question is; Is this the standard for all clubs? We are commited to each other and are just looking for another lady to help enhance our relationship. I have been bi-coureous for years and this whole swing thing was my idea not his, but I feel they are discriminating me. Any views on this are greatly appreated. Thanks!

[Stratecpl]

humm..just curious...where in Tenn are you?? reason I ask is that we are attending an off-premise party/club this weekend too..e-mail me if you'd rather not say on here..it will be our second with this group and we're still undecided if we want to join or not.

stratecpl@yahoo.com

Connie

LookingTenn,

This may seem off the wall to your post, but WHY doesn't he want to get a divorce from his wife?! I don't understand why his daughter going off to college has anything to do with NOT getting a divorce, accept to still have "ties" with his previous marriage/relationship.

Or is it because of some weird requirements that they have now about being divorced/or not, or some ridiculous reasons in the college grants requirements section dept.?! *lol @ myself* Something is just not right with that. Sorry, just wondering....

As for the club being "discriminating", it IS a private club, and when attending any functions that these clubs may have, I'm sure there are rules that everyone must abide by, and if they don't like it, then they just have to keep searching for one that suits them better!

BTW....If you two are as "committed" as you say you are, is there a problem why you two aren't "living together"? Just wondering, since that's the reason why the club is rejecting you....


CyberHusband & Wife

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 07-18-2001).]

[CanadianCouple]

Tennessee --

Just a thought, but perhaps the club doesn't want to find itself embroiled in a messy divorce between your boyfriend and his soon to be X. Her lawyer COULD drag the club into the proceedings should she find out what's been going on. I would think swing clubs in general shy away from publicity outside of their target audiences.

Dan

[JustAskJulie]

I'd have to agree with Dan on this one as far as the reason why the club wouldn't want to deal with couples in your situation. If the marriage issue wasn't there then I might think twice... but basically it's expected that there would be more potential problems with a non-committed (aka just dating) couple than there would be with a committed (living together/ married couple) and when you throw in that one or both of you is married to someone else that can cause all kinds of problems.

As Dan said there is the potential that when the divorce finally comes around the wife could use you or the club against the husband.

As for is this general practice for all clubs, just like everything else it depends. Then again it might be that it is general practice and the "non-committed" couples that go to these clubs just keep their mouths shut about their real relationship situations.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[LookingTenn]

Hello, first yes Dan is right! And I understand there side. I was just surprized and hurt to be shuned by them in this way. I knew when I desided to date this man some people would not approve and be very judgemental. But now that I have had a few days to think about it, they are not judgeing or shunning ME! They are protecting themselves. And I do understand that. Julie was right and I should have kept my mouth shut. LOL hard for me to do. I am a very open and honest person.

To CyberMWCouple;
He does want a divorce, but does not and will not disrupt his kids life, and I have to and will respect that. He has to want to leave on his own, I can't make him or forse him, If I do any problems could be blamed on me, weather or not they are my fault. And no it is not becouse of any weird college requirements, He will be paying for any and all college cost.
And yes we are as committed as I say, and no he is not just some married man pulling the wool over my eyes, I am a 36 year old woman who as been around the block a time or two. This man is my solemate, and I have NEVER used that term before to describe anyone! I Love him and he loves me. He treats me better than anyone I have ever known.
Thanks to all for your replys
LookingTenn

[LIZA]

Most clubs do not delve that far into your personal life...........They expect a phone interview first with both of you, to make sure both know what is going on. And they expect the man to show up with the same female partner each time, not a different "date" (escort) each time. I get the impression from your post about your boyfriend not wanting to disrupt the kids lives that he is living with his wife?
So maybe someone at the club knows her and let her know what was up and she complained.

LookingTenn,

Thanks for shedding some "light" with us, it's just that it's hard to give "suggestions/advice" when the whole "picture" isn't clear, and yet trying to keep discretion at hand.

What I don't understand is, how is it that single-males can attend the club scenes with a single-female "escort" and "get away" with this, but in your case, it's not allowed?!

I guess as Julie said earlier, "non-committed couples that go to these clubs just keep their mouths shut about their real relationship situations." In other words, what they don't know, won't hurt them? *lol*

Good luck and hope you find a suitable club for the both of you!


CyberWife

[CanadianCouple]

LookingTenn --

Above all else, I'm glad to see you profess your love for each other. Swinging is great fun with the right people, but nothing can compare with having that special person in your life. Janette means the world to me, without her there's just no reason for me to go on living. Sounds corny, but so true.

I hope things eventually resolve themselves with your boyfriend's domestic situation, and you two can then spend the rest of your lives together. The fact he's making the sacrifices he is for his kids speaks volumes about his character.

He definately sounds like a keeper.

Dan

I have been thinking about this guy staying with his wife 'for the kids'.

Sorry, but that's a crock of crap. I've been there. My parents caused my brothers and I ungodly amounts of problems by staying together when they should have split up.

Now, I'm sure that you will tell me that I feel very strongly about this, and that I may not be objective about this, and that this guy is different.... yadda yadda yadda....

Like hell. If he does not want to leave her, then there is a much more fundamental reason. It should have NOTHING to do with the kids. Staying together is the WORST thing you can do for the kids in that type of situation. Hell, even any halfway competent shrink will tell you that.

I really think you need to re-asses your relationship with this guy and do some digging into what's really going on. It may be nothing, and I could be 100% wrong, but EXTENSIVE experience, including my own personal experiences in these types of situations leads me to believe that you are being taken advantage of.

CyberHusband

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 07-18-2001).]

Originally posted by CanadianCouple:
....The fact he's making the sacrifices he is for his kids speaks volumes about his character.

He definately sounds like a keeper.

Dan

Sorry, but I have to disagree with this statement.

I've seen this happen WAY too many times in the past, parents holding the "marriage" together JUST for the children. And the only ones that are REALLY hurt by this "act", IS the Children! *Shaking my head*

You're either in LOVE with your spouse or significant other, or you're not. And if you're not, then why stay in that "lifestyle" (not meaning swinging in this scenerio), except to hold on to "false hopes & insecurities", while hurting the ones who really love you most, which is the 3rd party and the children involved.

As for you (Looking Tenn), I see nothing wrong with you "pursuing or pushing" YOUR "rights" in what YOU want/need in this or ANY relationship that you feel is right for you! And just because he may treat you like a queen, just remember, he still has them "strings" attached to the queen of the NEST! We ALL deserve the BEST in life, including YOU!

Sorry if I sound so BOLD, but I'm just being truthful here...But we had parents and other relatives that has "played this game" before, and it's not a pretty place to be! I guess that's another reason why I asked about their relationship "arrangements" too....

For Looking Tenn's sake, I do hope I'm wrong. I hate to see more children's lives get ruined this way by their "way of life" that's offered by irresponsible parents! *Shaking my head sighing*


CyberWife

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 07-18-2001).]

[CanadianCouple]

CyberWife: Sorry but I must disagree or at least half disagree with you on this one. Not enough work and effort are put forth in the first place in a lot of these cases, to build a strong, healthy marriage. I do agree that if there is ANY abuse going on then by all means it isn't a healthy environment for children. If these parents want to get along and keep both a mom and dad in the home for the children, then I say more power to them. Too many men and women these days walk far to easily from the ones that are depending on them the most.

Although I must say that none of us really knows the entire situation. LookingTenn is (I assume) only getting his side of the story and the facts.

You question why stay if there is no love. Because as parents we want what is best for our children. Personally I feel that having both a mom and dad available for the love and guidance necessary to grow and develope, is best for any child. No parent not living with a child can be as involved in that childs life as he or she should be. Plus most children feel the need to choose sides, even if told otherwise.

I guess that unless we have all the facts from both sides we aren't able to give advise on this. Only our opinions on the many different scenarios possible in this case.

I would however, be very careful and cautious if I were LookingTenn. I'd be sure of all the facts before going further.

I must say that if this man isn't an A-Hole screwing around just to get some, then I applaud his love for his children and doing the right thing by them. If he is an A-Hole then eventually he'll get caught and get what he deserves.

Good luck LookingTenn.

Janette of CanadianCouple

Janette,

I agree with the love from BOTH parents for the children, that's not in question here with my point, but I hear where you're cummin' from. I guess because this situation hits home for me, I'm trying not to take it so personal, but....Oh well.

My point is, why does he feel he HAS to stay married to his wife? "For the children", is a chicken excuse! I hate it when parents choose this reasoning for staying in their marriage, because it's the children that gets hurt, and I'm not talking about "physical" abuse, but emotional and mental abuse, which some parents don't realize that this exist within their children. We've "been there, and done that", being child "victims" in household situations as this, parents staying married "for the children", and THAT'S SO wrong! I've had younger cousins that went through this also, thank God, we had each other to help ease our "dilemas".

Believe it or not, a child's life is much healthier without the animosity between their parents, which does not mean that they have to LIVE together and STAY married to accomplish this. Children KNOW when their parents relationship isn't doing well. And that's where the hurt, pain, and anger sets in.

As for "No parent not living with a child can be as involved in that childs life as he or she should be....This is where RESPONsible parenting comes into affect. I have/had THREE dads (well, 2 step-dads), and they've always been apart of our lives, no matter what the relationship was like between them and our mother/families. So it all depends how responsible our parents are, that the love for their children out shines all.
Plus most children feel the need to choose sides, even if told otherwise.... This is true, only when the "animosity" is felt within the household. Other than that, we din't have to "choose sides", because BOTH/ALL parents love each of us as it should be. Once our parents set their differences aside, and got their sh*t together, only then our family had a much healthier relationship for all!

I guess being raised in this family situation, I too was guilty of being in a marriage for over 13 years, because "for the children", and that had the same effects for our children too. Because I was SO committed to our relationship, I was going to MAKE that marriage work, no matter what it took, not realizing that our children was going through the same thing as we did. And if I had to do it all over again, believe me it would be different.

ANYway....Hubby is waiting for me, we're off to the poolside with some friends, nice day for it too!


HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE!
CyberWife

[CanadianCouple]

CyberWife: I agree with you to a point. As I stated if the parents get along around the children. I am all to familiar with mental and emotional as well as other abuses. I know first hand how all these feel. But some parents love their children so much and take their role as parent very serious. They therefore remain to make sure every possible aspect of their childs life is taken care of. I do understand where you are coming from which is why I stated if ANY abuse exists it isn't healthy for the children. But we are only assuming in this case as we aren't privy to the facts.

You were very fortunate to have them remain in your life, although most end up drifting further away as time goes by. They feel less welcome and usually (not always) with good reason.

Most children tend to feel that either the parent that moved has some how deserted them or that the remaining parent has forced the other parent out.

I guess it boils down to we all tend to see things a little different, depending on our own situations growing up.

Have fun at the pool.

Janette of CanadianCouple

[LIZA]

Well obviously if he is "staying" with his wife for the Children..........Yet is out at swing clubs with his mistress, Is running a business on the side with the mistress (gee, does the wife know about THAT one?) etc, etc........How much time, effort, energy and money is he really devoting to his children anyway?
Im sure they are old enough to notice Dad is out all night sometimes (if they aren't then the Girlfriend is going to have a REALLY long wait)

Give me a break.......it is not 1955. MANY children come from divorced homes and do just fine. He would be a better parent to them seeing them 1/2 the time in his OWN home than living a lie with their mother. And if he is starting up business's and hiding asset's from his WIFE then he and the girlfriend will probably end up getting reamed in court when the divorce does take place.
Men who WANT out of their marriage, GET OUT, period.
TENN, you have a lot more to deal with than just getting booted out of a swing club