Husband discovered my relationships with other women now he demands a threesome

[Lenna]

I've done something and I want to make it right. I was raped the year before and last year, and after the second time I found alittle solice in my friend, she's a woman. My hsuband left me alone the day after I was raped he went on a business trip for a whole month, and I basically started having sex with my friend, and I'm not gay, I'm not in love with her or anything. I just found so much comfort in being with her, I hated men at that point, and for another Six months, until I began to accept my husband again and he could make love to me.

I'm sorry if this isn't written so well, but I'm very desperate. After that time afew months i don't know why but I had sex with my other friend, it just sort of happened, and on another occasion, and she's married too, her husband knew about it but he wasn't so mad. After her and I did with my First friend in the next month Two more times and then that was it. I didn't do it with a woman since.

Yesterday my doctoress told my husband about my relationship with these women, my friends that I had sex with them. My husband doesn't look so angry but he doesn't speak to me and I'm afraid he's going to divorce me. I can't live without him, please help me.

I've been told that if I let him have a threesome with my friends then he might like it or something and he won't hate me. I know this isn't swinging, but a friend told me about this site for another reason and I just maybe you can helo me, please.

I used to think my husband was very religious, but now I'm not so sure. He does alot of weird things and he masturbates and I saw him staring at my friend's breasts sometimes, that must mean he's attracted because she has really big breasts, right?

Please can you people help me, I don't want him to leave me.

[VegasLee]

I think the best thing at this point would be to get off the Internet. Talk to your husband and get professional help with a great deal of things that have happened in your life.

You have way to much on your plate to try to fix it with Internet suggestions.

Good luck to you.

[Dave_kat]

First off, I will apologise for men in general. Having been raped is not only an experience I cannot relate to, but something I could never see myself in the act of doing to someone else. I am against it enough that at orgies, I will wait until I'm specificially invited by someone before doing a thing. But that's me.

You found comfort where you could. While I cannot condone that it was cheating, I can certainly sympathise that you needed comfort, and the one you needed it from was not there.

But now we come to some form of blackmale, and emotional to boot. Your husband, if he gets his threesome with your married lover, will not divorce you for the infidelity?

I'm sorry, but I think that is just as bad as the rape, not to mention that your friends might just not be interested in your husband, so putting you in a position where you might have to force someone else to do something they don't want to do? When does it stop?

You and your husband certainly need counseling. Not only for the events, but for the lack of the emotional support.

As far as religion versus masturbation or eyeing someone's breasts? I'm sorry, but unless you're a part of an ultra-conservative religion, there is nothing religions about those things. Human's have needs, and if sex isn't available, fantasizing and masturbating is not only natural, but healthy. Watching someone's breasts, with whom he might wonder if his ultimatum is going to allow him to see au-natural, is also normal from a male perspective. Even in the Vanilla world, just because the stores are closed does not mean that window shopping is not allowed.

Now your doctoress, unless you told her she could, had no right whatsoever to discuss your history. What happened there?

Seriously, get some counseling. Bring al these issues up.

[LikeMinds321]

Lenna ~

You are dealing with some heavy life issues that need face-to-face care from people in your community who are trained to help rape victims.

Please seek them out.

Best wishes to you.

LM

[Lenna]

I already have a doctoress whom I see about the rape, I've been seeing her for over Six months now. I had another doctor before but he was a pig.

You don't think you guys could help me? I tried talking to my husband and explaining but he wasn't interested. I don't know what to do. I have no job I didn't finish studying, I have no money. I have no family, except him and my son. I won't know where to go, and I don't want to have to be gay and live with my friend, and I don't want to be a prostitute or a model or something like that, it's against my beliefs. What should I do?

My doctoress told my husband without my permission, she told me she wanted to see him when he came to pick me up and she made me sit outside and she told him everything, and I know that's in serious breach of patient/doctor confidentiality. I don't want to see her again, not now.

I don't think my husband will want to see a psychiatrist or psychologist with me. I couldn't get any help here?

[Dave_kat]

The only help we can give is advise on what to do. We have tried to do so.

What kind of help are you looking for exactly if not what we can/have offered?

As far as your Doctor telling your husband, you have the potential for a very hefty lawsuit, although I'm sure the lawyers might know more on that issue.

After that, I certainly don't know what else to tell you.

[Spoomonkey]

I think the folks above are right. This is far too sensitive an issue to trust to anonymous internet personalities... Has your husband seen anyone about his issues in all of this - the fact that he left you the day after a rape?

We are not professionals - and most of us do care about the folks who come here with difficult questions. And that is why we are urging you to get real help.

Spoomonkey

[Lenna]

I want your advice, I don't think a psychiatrist or psychologist could help me with this. I know my husband wouldn't want to see a psychiatrist, and I don't want him to think I'm crazy by having so many doctors I have to see.

I just want to know what to do, I don't mean about the rape. I'm seeing a doctor about that, or I was. I want to save my marriage, I want him not to leave. I want your advice on how I could make him happy again so he won't leave me. You don't think you could help at all?

[jennandjamesinm]

Something that I have had to learn in my life is that I have to make MYSELF happy before I can make anyone else happy. The advice that you have gotten here is good advice - go to a rape crisis center and get yourself some help. yes you did have an affair, and you have told your husband about it. He does have a right to be hurt, but he DOES NOT have the right to blackmail you for it. If he can't get over it, and wants to continually hurt you, then maybe you need to look at your relationship with him and decide if it a good idea to continue with him. Seriously - get yourself some help. You need to deal with the rape, only THEN can you deal with the underlying reasons that you had an affair with this woman. If someone loves you, they shouldn't force you to do something that you don't want to do.

Jenn

[VegasLee]

Lenna,

You came here, explained your self and asked for suggestions/help.

The people here gave you their best answers and you keep saying you do not want to do what they suggest.

You need some help girl. Until you can get yourself together you can not do anything healthy for your relationship or your husband.

Take the advise you asked for and get some professional help with your problems.

[Lenna]

I should find a new doctor then? Isn't that a big set back, because I've been seeing my doctoress for Six months already. Do you really think that my relationship can be fixed by counsel for being raped? I thought I was getting really better, I mean I do I used to have sex with my husband, until he learnt about my infedility, now he won't touch me. He won't talk to me. I even let him do it in my behind, whenever he asked, and thayt was very often.

I just want to clear One thing, he didn't blackmail me. I didn't even offer him any threesome or Foursome yet. I was just wondering because someone on the internet, a friend of mine said my hsuband wouldn't really mind, and he might ask to have a threesome with my friends and myself, or a foursome, but I don't know how Three women and One man could have sex. He did say Threesome though, so I'm not so sure what he meant. Maybe he didn't count my married friend.
Anyway I was just wondering if this would work, my husband wouldn't blackmail me. He's a lovely man and I've done him a great wrong.

I don't want to go to a rape crisis center, because that'll single me out, and it will.

What if while I'm seeing a doctor he decides to divorce me?

[Dave_kat]

No blackmail? He won't talk to you unless he wants to have anal sex, something from your post I get the impression you don't enjoy?

You certainly do need a new doctor, setback or not. One who violates your personal privacy without your consent cannot be trusted, and certainly should have a formal complaint lodged against them.

How did he mention threesome? your friend brought it up, as something to placate him. He mentioned it, but in what context? Without knowing that, kinda impossible to judge if I misread something.

As far as who hurt who, this is mutual. He left you to deal with something very traumatic, withdrew from you. You cheated. One physical, one mental. 2 wrongs don't make a right, but this is not only your fault but his as well. Make no mistake about that.

And going to a rape crisis center? I don't know the statistics, but a rape is supposed to happen so often, with multiple others not reported. Daily. That is a lot of women who get raped. Wrong as it is, do you honestly believe you would be the only one going? There are many organizations who deal with this as a primary function. If it wasn't necessary and utilized, it wouldn't be there. Plus most of them are anonymous. You live in a large city, I imagine there are quite a few there.

You do need to be stronger. Fear of him leaving you has made you his puppet, and now he feels he has something to hold over you to get what he wants. Where is his effort in the relationship since you say he won't talk to you, etc. Won't touch you.???

Think about what you want, where you want to be. Do what is necessary to get there. If it is to save your marriage, then it will be up to you to make him understand this. As long as he thinks you're ging to stick it out no matter, this will get much worse.

[Lenna]

My friend said "I don't think he would leave you for that (For myself cheating on him), infact I think he might like it and invite you and your friends to have a threesome. Most guys like that kind of thing, religious or no. I think he might."

I might've misrepresented my husband by false sentence construction or something. He isn't blackmailing me, the anal sex is from before he found out about myself cheating. Last on Sunday. I used to let him do it, because he really likes it and I want him to be happy and so I let him whenever he wanted. He never forced me, except Once last year, but that was just when I started letting him make love to me again. He suddenly turned me over and did it in my behind. He said he did it so I would learn not be afraid, that it was him and not anyone I should be afraid of, I believe him.

He says that he only likes doing it in my butt, not very much because of how it feels, but he says that when I let him in me there, it makes him feel like I accept him. My butt was a very sensitive place, becayse U was raped in there both times by those men, aswell as my other holes numerous times. When I let him in me basically he felt loved, and special and so I let him do it there as much as he wanted.

He only won't talk to me now, because I've injured him and he's ashamed of me. My other friend on the internet told me this, "do you know what goes to a man's mind when he finds out his wife's been raped? do you know how even lower he feels when he finds out that not only after that she sleeps with another person and to top it off it's another woman, and not just one but two. two other women that made you feel safer than he did is the result of that and that kind of thing is a deadly blow to a man's pride and if he was denying it then he'd be lying, and if you couldn't see then your delsuional and selfish."

He recommended I be like a man and just deal with whatever happens, leave him and deal with the consiquences, even if he should leave me.

I'm afraid you guys won't like me after this.

[Dave_kat]

Truth is, I understand that completely. Both my wife and I know a lot fo lesbians, a lot of different stroeis there. Some knew they liked women. some have had such bad experiences with men, not unlike what you yourself have gone through.

A man's ego is a fragile thing. His woman gets raped, his first instinct is to lower himself in his own mind because he couldn't protect her. That is natural.

What seperartes us from the lower species is that we can communicate, and that we can express our feelings. It takes a strong man to do so with his wife, the love of his life.

Giving him what he wants to gain his affection back is not the answer though. Being like him, and just taking things as it comes? That is one of the things that seperates men from women. How we handle things. Men deal with emotions quietly and internally, while women network and express their feelings amongst themselves. You turning to your girlfriends was as natural to you as it was natural to him to try to deal with his emotions on his own without opening up to you.

Right or wrong, societal influences aside, that is how it is. Can we change this, it'll take a whole societal change to do so.

A lot of men cannot compete with a woman as far as a lover is concerned. I know I can't, there are things that I as a man cannot bring to the table. I accept that, and do not let it affect my ego. Some men cannot, or do not have the experience to do so.

Talking this out, both of you, to a disinterested 3rd party is the only way you will get resolution.

You got married for a reason. You were/are in love for a reason, or more than one reason. Find that and discover if it is still there.

If you cannot talk to each other and express how you are feeling, you are setting yourself up for a long road to a very unhappy life and/or divorce.

As far as liking you or not liking you, I don't know you to go either way. I relate to this, and have posted to it multiple times, because a long time ago, many many years ago, I was the man in this type situation. It ended very badly, for both her and myself. I lived, she did not. I have lived with those memories for so long, and I see so much of that situation in this. I say this. Do what you can, and listen to what everyone has said. We've all said to get some counseling. Get you and him there.

[JaneAndJohnDoe]

Originally Posted by Lenna

I want your advice, I don't think a psychiatrist or psychologist could help me with this. ....You don't think you could help at all?

Lenna,

This is not the right place for this kind of advice. We are not doctors, therapists, or sexual healers. We are people with no training, no background, no knowledge whatsoever to help you with this. You're asking us to take responsibility for our advice, and I need you to understand what you are asking.

If we offer any advice, it comes from people who are untrained to deal with such awful issues. You DESERVE better than this. You deserve specialized help from specialists who can help you.

If we offer ANY advice, and you act on that advice, and it turns out to be the wrong advice, WE have to live with that on our conscience, adn I don't think we are equipped to do that.

I am, surprisingly, a very private person, but I am willing to tell you this...

I KNOW what you've been through, and you NEED TIME and a therapist to help you through it.

Do this for yourself. You DESERVE more than what you're allowing yourself.

And please understand that I cannot, nor can anyone else here, afford to take the responsibility for offering advice that is potentially dangerous advice. The far-reaching consequences of offering any advice to someone who is emotionally fragile is just too much to bear.

Please, Lenna, accept our hugs, support, and kindness. And we all wish you the best of luck in finding yourself again.