Swinging with married m/f whose spouse does not know

[cpl1355]

We've met (through IM Chat's and e-mails) two individuals, one male and one female, who my wife and I have interest in playing with in MFM and FMF situations. Problem is that both of these individuals have stated upfront to us that they are both married, in committed relationships and their spouse's do not know about their extra-curricular activities.

Our question is, how should we proceed with both of these situations. We know that it probably is not the best thing to pursue, but in both situations we have a lot in common and have hit it off well!

Has anyone else had an experience like this and pursued it? Good or bad experiences?

THanks everyone for your comments.

[txduo2000]

I hate to play the Morality Card here, because goodness knows "swingers" are in a constant battle with the Morality Police, but .....

It is whatever you both feel comfortable with ... that is the bottom line.

My own personal opinion, that I share with my husband and many others in this lifestyle is this: What if it was you? What if you and YOUR spouse were not both on board with this lifestyle? What if it were one of you who was secretly scouting a secret life outside your marriage and being deceptive to your spouse to achieve that secret life?

I know it is not your place to judge others, or to try to be a marriage counselor, or to wonder what it is that compels people to go outside their marriage and be deceitful. And like I said, it's up to what you and your spouse feel comfortable with. It's just my opinion that it will only lead to more complex issues in the future ... the drama that accompanies a marriage where one partner finds it necessary to seek outside companionship in any form without the other spouse's knowledge and/or consent, and especially the intense drama and ramifications that follow the unknowing spouse's possible discovery of the deceit.

There are many in the lifestyle that facilitate cheating ... and that's fine. To each their own. Hopefully, they have weighed the pros and cons and have determined that it's a risk they are willing to take. However, that's not us, and it's not many lifestylers that we know.

By no means am I an expert, but I HAVE been cheated on, I have cheated, and believe me ... it's really just not worth the risk to get caught up in all that entails.

[XMonkey]

Difficult one - we have entertained married people in MMF situations, we feel its not our decision, and we are always discreet, no matter anyone's marital status.

However, we did feel very bad when we received a very terse e-mail from one fella who stated that his wife had caught him swinging (not with us) and please not to contact him again.

We however, do have a rule that we insist is sacrosant - no secrets! We do play seperately from time to time, but always with the blessing of the other, and full disclosure afterwards (usually leads places....), and would never cheat on each other.

[EvilMJ]

As the others have said, it is up to you to decide where your line is. Personally I will never swing with someone who's SO has no idea what is going on. I do play with a married man from time to time, BUT his wife knows, my husband knows and we are all 100% fine with it. We are also friends as well. If I knew his wife didn't know, well then it would never happen.

I am not in swinging to wreck marriages or get involved in drama, I don't want to hurt anyone. I automatically put myself in the wife's shoes and think how I would feel if I were her.

I guess you have to decide if it is worth it in the long run and go from there.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by XMonkey

we feel its not our decision

We have chosen to retain the right and ability to make decisions... Even in swinging...

So - no - we would not play with a cheater. Cheaters will cheat - that is their decision. We will not "cheat" with them - that is ours.

Spoomonkey

[KittKatt]

Originally Posted by cpl1355

We've met (through IM Chat's and e-mails) two individuals, one male and one female, who my wife and I have interest in playing with in MFM and FMF situations. Problem is that both of these individuals have stated upfront to us that they are both married, in committed relationships and their spouse's do not know about their extra-curricular activities.

Our question is, how should we proceed with both of these situations. We know that it probably is not the best thing to pursue, but in both situations we have a lot in common and have hit it off well!

Has anyone else had an experience like this and pursued it? Good or bad experiences?

THanks everyone for your comments.

WOW.......uh uh uh you should do what YOU want to do but , at the risk of someone finding out and coming after us with a shotgun, hmmmmmm just kinda ruines the mood for us at least

Neither one of us would want our spouse to do this to us, and in our book...yes it is wrong....
The only time we have played with a married person, we insist on meeting and getting permission from the person's spouse.

Besides there are WAYYYYYYY too many fish in the sea to "KNOWINGLY" hook up with a married person out sneaking around on their spouse

We , ourselves would end the relationships with these people, and find someone you can see and enjoy without the stress and worry of getting caught,

Just OUR oppinion...........good luck to ya'

xoxoxoTnC

[curiousduo30]

I personally did not take a long time with the answer to this question...for US it is an absolute NO-NO...You do need to do whatever it is that works for you (but the whole shotgun issue is probably no joke ) Good luck with whatever choice you two make, just posting the questions and (hopefully) looking at the feedback shows that you two are at least seriously considering all of the consequences.

[BodyScape02]

You’re crazy to pursue these avenues. The risk of having a vengeful, and possibly psycho, jilted lover coming after you and making your life hell is just not worth a few moments of sexual pleasure. Not only that, what does it say of their character and your own? How can you trust these people to NOT try to use any encounters against you at a later date?

[Chicup]

Lets see...

#1 Personal safety. People who get cheated on can do crazy things. You have no idea what the spouce is like, but the world is full of nutballs.

#2 Being outed. Even if they don't go psycho they can get revenge by outing you, which for some people could cost them jobs/friends etc.

#3 Don't want to be part of someone elese marital issues.

#4 Mrs. Chicup would never do it as the very idea of cheating sickens her.

I could see special circumstances where this could be justified (and they would have to be very special ones) but with just random online people I can't see it being a good thing.

[NakedInSeattle]

As is getting more and more the case, we agree fully with Spoomonkey. We don't cheat and we don't like cheaters. The lifestyle should be about everyone having fun. CHEATING AIN'T FUN! It's serious and it hurts people. We're not into anyone getting hurt.

If we play with a single we must know that they are not attached. All attached people swinging single will say that they have the permission of their SO. Bull!

[biblonde]

What spoomonkey said!!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by KittKatt

...there are WAYYYYYYY too many fish in the sea to "KNOWINGLY" hook up with a married person out sneaking around on their spouse

So you "have a lot in common and have hit it off" - well there are lots of people out there who could offer you the same, and they're not cheating on their spouse.

It amounts to what you are willing to do...or not to do in the name of sex.

LM

[CuriousInOregon]

Dito I know not much of a contributor here . Ok I will just a little. I would be Heart broken if I found out my SO had knowingly went behind my back so start a "relationship of sorts" with anyone. I have stated this here before but here I go again. Once a cheater always a cheater, My SO and I have come upon the agrement many yrs ago that We could guarntee that we would not cheat, How you ask? Well this is it, I brought up the fact that if I ever felt for any reason sexually unhappy that I would tell him we had problems and that we needed to fix it or I would go elsewhere. Luckilly we have not had to deal with this issue, I think we were both in a Sexual Funk for a while and Swinging came in at the Best possible time and has spiced up our Sex lives just enough to where neither of us have the want or need to go else where with out the other.
Theres My 2 Cents
Curious

[txduo2000]

Simply because I have been cheated on and because I have myself cheated, I don't necessarily agree with the adage, "once a cheater, always a cheater".

Cheating happens because of many factors, not the least of which is disrespect for your partner, and also a great deal of miscommunication or an extreme lack of communication.

I KNOW I will never cheat again. I have no doubts that my hubby will never cheat again. I greatly suspect that my ex-husband will never cheat again (which is kind of annoying to me, since he will never cheat on the woman he left me for, but oh well. lol No longer my issue.)

Sometimes you have to be in the thick of cheating to truly understand the devastation that it causes. So it is very easy for those who have never been in a situation like that to easily say, "once a cheater, always a cheater".

We are humans. We make mistakes. What separates us from the animals is our ability to take the opportunity to LEARN from our mistakes. Some people do not take advantage of such opportunities, and those are people that I sincerely believe are just plain stupid. Not stupid in an insulting way, but truly ignorant that they do not afford themselves the opportunity to use their mistakes as a way to truly reflect on their mistakes, examine their shortcomings and improve themselves. It is the truly ignorant who blame society, their upbringing and anyone else they can find for their own victimization or their victimizing of others. :rollseyes

We live in a world where it is become far too acceptable to shirk responsibility for our failures. I am a continually evolving process of breaking out of that world ... it was MY fault I cheated on my husband. Yes, I was unhappy. Yes, I escaped. But it was wrong and it was MY wrong. First I had to accept that to understand why I would never cheat again. And I will not.

My husband and I have been through A LOT ... a lot more in our short 7 years together than many people deal with in a lifetime. But I can genuinely say that we are closer today than we have ever been. We are more communicative. We are more honest. We are more RESPECTFUL of each other, and thereby more loving. We are genuinely happy for the first time in all those years.

Sorry for the rant ... it just touched a nerve.

[taomaster]

Originally Posted by cpl1355

Has anyone else had an experience like this and pursued it?

Well, this probably doesn't count due to cultural differences. But Mrs. T has a French playmate whose wife operates a don't ask/don't tell policy.

That way they can keep up the facade that everything is 'normal'. But as I said, France is not the Midwest of the US - but you knew that