Discussed swinging, but I'm worried she may be cheating

[SwingHile]

Hello everyone!
My wife and I have been together for about 5 years now (married for 2 of it), and just recently found out that we both have been harboring the urge to splurge (or is it splooge? . We had discussed our fantasies before involving others in our relationship, but that was it.. just fantasies nothing more. Ours usualy involved people we never new. Kinda just bodies in the bedroom so to speak. Enough to spice things up but not enough to complicate our marriage. Over time our fantasie bodies grew faces, but apparently we were both worried that the other would be appalled of such a thing and shun the other for the very notion... Well! For about the last 2 weeks something was affecting my wife. Its the kind of thing only a husband would see. You know. That gut feeling that something is up? I became conserned. At this point I new something was up, so I asked her " Whats going on?". Of course her reply was "what do you mean?". Well through the next 15 mins of prying she started to open up a little more about the fact that she was unhappy with our relationship. I was shocked, scared, and definitly worried as she and my son are my life. Through her tears, and her ideas of taking some time apart, I tried to stay calm. When she started to get into the fact that we got together when she was 18, and that she never got the chance to "find herself", I imediatly found myself asking her if there was someone else she was finding herself with! "Of course not!", was her reply. My next question was if she wanted to end our marriage. "No. (sob)" was her reply. My last question hit the nail on the head. Are you thinking of someone else?... Silence... You see my wife and I are on a rotating schedule. I work days, and she works nights. We see eachother for about 5 mins a day and 1 day a week as I work 6 days a week. We do this to avoid costly daycare we cant afford. My wife works in an office consiting of mostly women, gay men, and bi-sexual men. When a women is denyed the emotional support of her man for what ever reason, she will find it elswhere, and she found it in a bi-guy named Mike. Now dont get me wrong she's not messing around with him so she says, and I trust her. She's been having these fantasies about him, her, and myself all having fun with eachother. I was quiet for a moment and then exclaimed "Bout time!".. A look of shock hit her face like a bug on a windsheild, and I laughed. Even more confusion washed over her! You see she's never admitted to being attracted to another (not a bedroom body) man before. These things are normal. However she thought it was going to hurt my feelings, so she pent it up. Not good. It seems that the lines of comunication from her have been down for quite some time, and when you stop talking to your spouse all your left with is the ocasional argument about the dishes you didnt do last night. Doesnt make for a very good relationship. We talked all night about all the things we thought we could never talk to eachother about that we had been holding back for about 3 years! We rediscovered why it was we got married in the first place. We have more in common than we had originally thought! She then explained to me that it wasnt just her she wanted him to have. It was me too! Wow. Havent thought about another guy in that way since I was curious at the age of 15 (now 31). Not too shure about that yet, but I will think about it. We are exited to jump on the band wagon to pleausre, so we jumped online to check out our new lifestyle, and got hit in the face like an airbag. We found that we didnt like the idea of strangers in bed. We want to at least know the person or people we are going to sleep with. Witch cuts our chances down to about 1 in a 1000. Witch leads to my origonal question "Now what?"

About a day later my paranoid mind started to work after my excitement calmed down. I started to think about all the things she said and it leading to sleeping with another man. Down the drain went my mind into a serious bout of mistrust and jealousy, so bad to the point I honestly considered having her followed on her thursday nights out. You see this guy Mike sits next to her at work everyday. Not to mention when she's hanging out at the local club with her friends on thursdays for 80's night, it seems he's there as well. Her nights out at the club usualy result in her being a little too tipsy to drive so the last 2 thursdays she's spent the night at her girlfriends to sober up before driving (this is what she tells me), and gets home at about 7:30 in the morning. Theres been a little more time spent after work than normal. However she says its because there has been a strange man milling around outside, and she's been waiting for her supervisors to close up to walk her out, and of course he's there during this time as well. Hummmmmm. You can see how if I didnt truly trust her how this bout could end up. After she came home that night we had a talk about it, and I laid it out for her to see all the connections I had made about all that was said and all the time that had transpired between the 2 of them. Very calmly she asked me to stop getting crazy.... So I did. I know in my heart of hearts she would never cheat on me. But hey! If she can do it with my consent, and even with me envolved, isnt that the whole idea?! I guess I was jealous of her affection for this guy, but when we relized we didnt want a stranger in our bed it made sense.

So now we ask the question "Now What?".

[Mike and Jan]

You two need to find a couple with another bisexual man, or a bisexual man alone to become friends with..., together. You'll enjoy the search together in nothing else.
Rich

[LikeMinds321]

Hi and Welcome

I think you are going through some normal feelings right now. The most impressive thing is the open communication you and your wife seem to have. Keep that going and you will discover more about how you can satisfy each others fantasies.

Read this board together and learn some basics about swinging before you begin.

The Swingers Board has so much to offer. Reading the getting started forum will have lots to offer as well as FAQs. Please continue to visit and post when you have questions or comments.

That's how we can all get to know you better.

LM

[2BwthUorNot]

HiYa Swinghile,
All good thangs cum to those who wait. Kinda curious, whtdaya think? hubbie was closed to the idea ? and what made the bulb go off in U head that U could really talk to this man ? In a similar situation my wife and I were dabbing in the perifery of the lifestyle. We are both sexual people. All the while we were dabbing in and out our discussions we're really feeling out each other. The talks were really feeling the idea sessions. She couldn't confess that it was something she wanted to do. We were doing soft swing and a little same room stuff. I kinda realized wifey might not be telling all. There seemed to be a gradual shift in our interactions. We seemed to be snipping at one another more offten. I have always been openminded and easy to talk to once the ice is broken. I'd discuss anything with anybody. My wifey on the other hand is the REAL social butterfly. She will also talk to anybody and even bring her own topic. The only subject that might be difficult for her is the topic of sex. I've had difficulty ingaging her in serious discussions. I knew she had been logging onto swinger sites. She was lurking and trolling with an occassional post. I viewed this as gathering information and experiencing a bit of the lifestyle without risking comming out, rejection, or self criticism. As all of us were taught, sex wasn't a topic to be discussed freely. Some of us actually developed a stigma to the topic. IT'S TABOO says the teacher of sunday school. I don't know what my wifes experiences were. When I find out I'll treat them with the care they deserve. I hope to find out. I also know myself. When I spot it and it's troubling you, I'll wiggle into position to speak to you about it. Sometimes people need someone to talk to. Other times there maybe a real tragedy unfolding in the persons mind. The short side is that I do care for people, I'm open, and I LOVE MY WIFE dearly. I approached it head on, no go. I approached it from the side, no go. I wasn't pressuring but I wasn't giving up. We recently had some problems. Frank discussions were the only method to prevent something that could have been avoided from developing and presenting itself in divorce court. I thought it was the right time to address her secret (sexual thoughts and desires not shared). I sent her 2-3 emails and we talked until she was comfortable. She was also comfortable with the idea, that I knew, she had these secrets. I regret sending her any signal to cause her guard to go up. I knew I have had difficulty in the past getting some of my issues accross to her. I thought she was simply and always going to take her stand. to me, She seemed to close her mind to little things that meant something big or special to me. She could have been feeling I wasn't open enough with her so she was going to close herself off to me a little. I don't know this to be true but it happens. What the hell I thought, I'll talk to myself. I did talk to myself. I had wished it was her but it wasn't. I had become my own secret confidant. I didn 't think she could set still long enough to hear anythang I had to say. Though I found her difficult to talk to, I did not know she had a difficult time approaching me. We are now regaining that which we once had - good communication, good problem solving skills, willingness to listen and waiting to talk. I now find that my ability to talk to her was directly related to my ability to LISTEN to her. Please hear that folks ..... most the problems all of us have can be resolved on the very first try. The solution? Listening closely and understanding the human elements of what is being said. That's the entire key. Satisfy the human need to be understood, accepted, respected for their opinion and beliefs and never judge or criticize. Thanks, New Beginnings good luck with the new found energy ... goes to show, we should never, ever give up on our spouses. they just need a little more encouragement

[DaveNSheila]

Hello and Welcome to the board. Sounds like you have gotten some good advice. The biggest and most important thing you two can do is talk, talk, talk, and more talking. Keep those lines open. D

[jennandjamesinm]

We just wanted to chime in with our Welcome. Dito to the above advice - communicate, communicate, communicate. Everything else come easier the more you talk. Visit often and join in the discussions so we can get to know you better

Jenn and James

[SwingHile]

Thank you all for your positive feedback. My wife was a little apprihensive about me posting our dirty little secrets, but after seeing your responses she feels a bit more comfortable now.

It seems Im still a bit nervous about all this, as Ive been talking my wifes ears off about it. Trying to figure out ground rules ect, ect. I seem to be driving her insane is more like it.

[RMRx2]

Originally Posted by SwingHile

Thank you all for your positive feedback. My wife was a little apprihensive about me posting our dirty little secrets, but after seeing your responses she feels a bit more comfortable now.

It seems Im still a bit nervous about all this, as Ive been talking my wifes ears off about it. Trying to figure out ground rules ect, ect. I seem to be driving her insane is more like it.

There is a bit of "new toy" syndrome that comes with the territory. Finding and posting on this board is a great place to start. Our advice, take your time, do your research, talk about the subject in depth. However, keep all those things that make your marriage a marriage a priority too. Relax, take a deep breath. All things need not be decided or in some folks case, acted on right away. Presumably, you will be husband and wife a long long time. there will always be people you can meet, be friends with, and if so desired, play with. That would be our two cents.

That being said, congradulations!, for entering that area of what makes us human and sharing that ground between the two of you. Swing/play, or not, we have found that this is a much needed area of discussion in a caring and loving relationship. It has brought us closer together and made it much easier to discuss anything. I mean, if you can discuss your inner most fantasy and desires without fear of hurt or rejection, just how hard could it be to discuss anything else.

OH and welcome,
the rmrx2's

[SwingHile]

rmrx2. Thank you. Best advice yet. I like that saying, I mght have to steal it. "New Toy syndrome". I hadnt quite thought of it that way.

[SwingHile]

No taking our time now. You see my wife allready has a man in mind, and allready asked him to join us! Ballsy little thing my wife is! Im feeling a bit weird about the fact that ive never meet this guy before. Talk about putting faith in your other half?! He said he wants to meet me first, and I agreed with that. Im a little peeved with the wife for jumping the gun like that. Makes me wonder If she realy wants me to join or if she would be just as happy by herself, or she could just be suffering from "New Toy Syndrome".

[two4youinswva]

Hey there and Welcome to the board from fellow Virginians!

Your last post kinda caught me off guard. Far be it from me to tell you how fast or slow to go in your pursuit. But, there is an axiom among most of the members here: Go only as fast as the slowest person.

You guys need to keep up the discussions as you have been. Talk about what scares you. Talk about what your concerns are. What are your ground rules? Do you have "stop signs"; IE: words, or actions when you're with others that mean "We need to talk", or "I'm not comfortable with this person/couple"?


There are a few off premises clubs in Virginia, which may be an option for you two. An Off-Premise club is usually low pressure, where you can meet like minded folks, and develop some kind of friendship before jumping in the sack.
Look under the Club Listings link for some of the Virginia locations.

Please continue to post your questions, and research, research, research! There is a plethora of info on this board!

Good luck in your adventure!

[RMRx2]

Originally Posted by SwingHile

No taking our time now. You see my wife allready has a man in mind, and allready asked him to join us! Ballsy little thing my wife is! Im feeling a bit weird about the fact that ive never meet this guy before. Talk about putting faith in your other half?! He said he wants to meet me first, and I agreed with that. Im a little peeved with the wife for jumping the gun like that. Makes me wonder If she realy wants me to join or if she would be just as happy by herself, or she could just be suffering from "New Toy Syndrome".

Okay, I hear you. From your first post, ya'll are fairly young. And from your first post, ya'll have thought about this subject at least privately for a long while. My guess is even if you should have some issue with something or whatever, ya'll will probably weather it just fine, find the positive in the experience.

The most important thing I could recommend is for the two of you to talk, talk and talk. Don't wear it out, but communicate. Many cpls including ourselves set aside time to be intimate prior and after a play session. The one after is pretty damn hot for us

We have discussed our feelings and lines we'd figure shouldn't be crossed, and such. As time goes on , you will find that those guidlines and such will shift change and move.

One thing I might recommend, whenever we play with a male, mfm, I either have talked with them on the phone quite a bit, preferably met them for lunch or a drink prior. It gives me a chance to be comfortable with the guy one on one. Occasionally, it has be the two of us meeting him first, but usually I get to know him a bit. It can be as simple as diner and some cards before play begins. But I highly recommend getting a bit comfortable with the guy. Additionally, I would say that if there is something about the situation that freaks you, or you DON"T feel comfortable with the guy, have an agreement with your wife, speak up, and call time out. Either of us can call time out at any time,,even if play has begun.

We have had many mfm's and the guys have been all types. Some very cut, handsome and hung. It always has been hot for me to know I have put this together for mrs rmrx2. There was one guy, though,,,,and to this day,,I can not tell you what it was,,,,,,,and he wasn't all that,especially compared to the others,,,,,,,,,he just made me insanely jealous and protective. I'd get around him and I would just want to clock him one. We decided heed that feeling and impression and not move to play with him.

Good luck , be sure to continue to post and let us know how things are going.

rmrx2

[SwingHile]

Thank you agian for your posts.. Yea.. I jumped the gun agian. She was just asking him if he was into that kind of thing, and if he might be interested. I talked to her and told her that Id realy need to get to know this guy first, and she's totaly with me about that. I've also thought about it alot, and I think I feel most comfortable with the idea of a woman in the play as well as a man. Considering its our first time, I think it will even things out for me, if that makes any sense.

[SwingHile]

We have set some basic ground rules, but stop signs are a veary good idea. Hadnt thought of that yet either. A nice way to say stop or slow down without making the other/others in play uncomfortable, seems like a nice touch. I think it will be a little while before anything happens and thats ok by me. Go only as fast as the slowest person, sounds like sound advice to me.
Something else we had disscused is to allow the younger of the 2 of us choose the age range. No problem for me considering she's 25 and I'm 31

[driveajeepnaked]

Mr Jeep and I have a code color - "purple" means "stop" whether it's just betweeen US or w/another cpl.. u could hasve various degrees of play and codes... ie...
"Baby, what's your favorite color??"
"Green" - everything's ok or "Yellow" something is not ok or Red.. stop and let's talk...

Or anything that is comfortable, but there should be a level of comfort there,,

V