Our swinging started with a cheating kiss

[ciara]

Hello. I'm in my late 20's and I've been with my husband since I was 15. We have a wonderful, loving faithfull relationship and we are very open with each other. Our sex life is great and we've talked about involving other people but our main concern was we did not want to ruin what we have now. So we have never pursed the issue.
This past weekend we went out to see the Red Sox with another couple who we've known for years. There known to be openly sexually with each other or her with other girls. My husband has always been attracted to this girl. its not something that bothers me because I know he loves me. I'm not going to lie there is a little bit of jealousy there but its more amusement actually. Anyway we ended up drinking pretty heavily that day. By the end of the night we had swapped partners. It's was pretty much kissing and heavy petting (clothes on) and it was right in front of each other. I even ended up kissing the girl - which I never thought I'd do. The whole thing was exciting and neither of us was jealous. The best thing was we weren't even awkward witht he couple the next day. We actually planned a trip with them to watch the Red Sox play at another field in acouple of months.
Yesterday my husband and I were discussing the whole night we were trying to figure out how it started. He proceeded to tell me that when him and other girl were alone he had kissed her. It dawned on both of us at that minute that what he did was cheating. We both got upset about it - me feeling betrayed and him realizing what he did. I'm confused because I watched them kiss right in front of me and it didn't bother me and even egged it on. He's really upset about it because this is the first time in the 12 yrs we've been together that this has happened and he made a promise that would never happen again. I'm still really interested in going with the other couple again but I'm wondering if its not a good idea becasue of what happened. I'm worried that if I put a boundry up then he might cross it Although he has promised me that would never happen. I'm sorry this was long but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Alura]

Welcome from Oklahoma, Clara! We're glad you've joined us and hope you'll stop by our introductions forum and tell more about yourself and your husband.

We think y'all handled the situation quite well. It seems there is a strong relationship based on good communication in your marriage and, for that reason, there is probably little to worry about.

Our first bit of advice would be to watch your drinking. It can get you in trouble way over your head before you even realize what is happening.

Y'all need to continue talking this out. Every little detail needs to be discussed until all questions have been answered. Then y'all need to decide if the lifestyle holds enough facination for the two of you that you wish to continue or not.

Be just as honest with your friends as you are with each other. If the four of you decide to enjoy the variety swinging offers, be sure all the rules are understood. It's very important that all four of you can understand the difference between "making love" and "fun sex." If y'all can do that, y'all can successfully swing and have a lot of fun together, not just in bed.

Please keep us up to date as y'all deal with this issue.

Alura

[intuition897]

It sounds like the only mistake that was made here was that he took a liberty without your prior knowledge and approval. While, yes, that is the standard definition of cheating, it sounds like he realized his mistake and it also sounds like it didn't cause too much damage. If he had had a full blown affair and lied to you about it over a period of time, that would drive a serious wedge between a couple I think. This was more of a faux pas that he committed. He understands now that not consulting with you beforehand was the source of the problem, not the act itself (you obviously enjoyed watching him kiss the other girl ). My advice would be to make sure this is exactly where you're at now, everyone say their sorries, forgive, and let it go. It's a small bump. Like falling down and scratching your knee. Yeah, it hurts a bit, it stops the game for a bit until you can put a bandaid on it, then you get back to playing...because it's fun. Best thing is to expect a couple of bumps and bangs to the heart like this, because it's a contact sport. Just toughen up a bit and don't take it personally, because he never meant to hurt you. Keep talking, and take care not to make the same mistake again.

Best of luck to you both.

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by ciara

Anyway we ended up drinking pretty heavily that day. By the end of the night we had swapped partners.

Okay, so you are both drunk, hanging with a couple with some obvious prior flirtations going on beforehand, you both know they are an open relationship sort of couple, and in a moment of weakness and intoxication, your hubby kisses the other woman whom you know he finds very attractive while not in your presence, but later, you are both making out with this other couple, together, like mad dogs in heat?

Have I got the facts correct?

Frankly, don't you guys think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here? Please don't beat yourselves up about this.

Now, if you guys hang with this couple again, and you guys get really drunk again, then don't be surprised if you guys end up doing things that in the sober light of morning you wake up regretting your actions.

IF YOU CAN'T SWING WITHOUT GETTING DRUNK, YOU SHOULD NOT SWING!

[meandher2go]

keep talking but i dont think its a big deal. especially if you both enjoyed the outcum later in the nite.

[JnG]

He proceeded to tell me that when him and other girl were alone he had kissed her. It dawned on both of us at that minute that what he did was cheating. We both got upset about it - me feeling betrayed and him realizing what he did.

For what it's worth, your husband may have made a mistake but from what you write it sounds like he's a "stand up" guy. While I'm not one to condone/defend anything remotely related to cheating, a kiss like this is something that can very quickly happen in the heat of passion/lust (and when drunk), and doesn't really come close at all to - say - him having sex with this other woman.

As long as he is mindful of his mistake and you trust him to be more careful, I wouldn't let this get you down. I wouldn't necessarily jump into swinging quite yet - talk it through in a very candid manner, if you are interested - but make sure your boundaries are in place and well delineated before you start anything.

Oh yeah, and be careful about doing stuff when drunk in the future. That seems to be a common source of problems - if you swing, swing sober (or mmmmmaybe just a bit buzzed).

[twoplayful2]

Without being able (or wanting) to totally explain why, I'm just going to say that I don't think you have any real problems here and you should just forget about the early kiss and enjoy the memories of the rest of that night. You guys seem quite alright and it also doesn't seem like there would be a problem "getting with" that other couple again. Just make sure you communicate very well with your husband, really talk everything out so you know how you feel about it and all the potentials and you know what your boundaries are and how you're going to react to situations. And yeah, don't get drunk!

[Daddy'sGirl]

Hello from Boston!!
My husband and I had a very traumatic introduction to "swinging" also Broken Hearted - Bad Experience with Single Female .We are now putting things on hold for awhile but I am, still here learning as much as I can from other's experiences.I wish you both well in your future endeavors.







ps
Keep talking to eachother about everything thats what is helping us to heal.

[ciara]

Thank you all for replying. We had a long talk after I posted this. I showed him the website along with my post and the replies. We both agreed with what everyone said. Although, we figured out the don't do it while your drunk on our own I still feel a little hurt, but what happened is nothing compared to some of the first times on here.

This is funny to say but I feel the whole experience brought us a litter closer if that's possible. We talked about everything. Would we want to do this again when we go away with the other couple - yes we would. We talked about boundries - no sex (he wanted that to be special between us which made me feel real good). We also talked about if in the middle if one of us changed our mind and wasn't comfortable with the other doing somthing then we'd let the other one know. It's been such a turn on to talk about all this - it's a little different now. Before it was just fantasies - now it's more like this could really happen.

I guess the only thing that still bothers me is that my husband and the girl have a strong sexual attraction that's mutal. I don't even know if jealous is the right word. I think I'm more envious than anything. During our experience my husband and the girl had no problem making out. They wer totally into each other. Right in front of me and the other guy and when they went to another part of the room. The other guy semed a little nervous with me. I remember that he kept looking over my shoulder towards where my husband and the other girl were before he would kiss me. I kept asking him if he was uncomfortable because I would of gotten off of him ( I was sitting on his lap). He said don't you get off of me. He was also giggling or laughing a lot. I would joke with him and ask whats wrong you don't want to kiss me what you don't find me attractive? He would then say oh man yes I find you very attractive and then we would pull me down to kiss me and whatever else. It was a little confusing. I couldn't figure out if he was into me or not. He was definitly hard I could feel him when I sat down on his lap. But why did it take him so long to actually kiss me and touch me? I don't know as I've said before i've been with my husband since i was 15 so I don't have any experience with other men. My husband thinks it might of been because I'm his buddy's wife and it's a little more taboo than what he's use to. Or that he found me intimidatingly attractive now that he had the chance to be with me and he wasn't sure what to do. That was a shocker I would think if he found me that attractive he'd be all over me. I mean do guys really get scared by pretty girls?

If all four of us do decide to do this again I just hope he's into me. I guess I could look at it as a challange.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by ciara

This is funny to say but I feel the whole experience brought us a litter closer if that's possible.

Funny isn't it? I think that tends to be a stumbling block for a lot of folks, not believing that something like this could actually bring them closer together...even when they're in the middle of experiencing it. They ignore the obvious opportunity to strengthen and deepen their relationship, and instead cling to the fact that they were hurt. And being hurt = something terminally negative = death of the relationship. Sometimes you get hurt. In fact you can count on it. It's how you respond to it that counts. If you stand up, dust yourself off, and say (with a smile) "Yeah it stings, but I'll live" you'll do just fine.

Originally Posted by ciara

We talked about boundries - no sex (he wanted that to be special between us which made me feel real good). .....
I guess the only thing that still bothers me is that my husband and the girl have a strong sexual attraction that's mutal.

I'm thinking this will become an issue in the future. I'd suggest that you examine exactly why it bothers you that he and she have a strong mutual attraction. Is it because they might get too carried away? That he'll forget about your agreement? That he'll start to forget about you?? Are you worried that he'll find her more attractive than you? What if he does? It's unlikely, but possible. How will that impact your self-esteem? I could be way off track here, and you may both be fully content to get yourselves all randy with other people and then have sex only with each other. I'm just pointing out a red flag on the horizon. When and if you get to that point, you'll likely be asking yourselves if sex with other people will actually take away from your relationship with each other, or if it can enhance it?

Originally Posted by ciara

I don't even know if jealous is the right word. I think I'm more envious than anything.

I'm glad that you don't use 'jealous' as a blanket term to describe negative feelings at seeing or thinking of your partner with someone else. I actually just wrote a post about that here.

Originally Posted by ciara

During our experience my husband and the girl had no problem making out. They wer totally into each other. Right in front of me and the other guy and when they went to another part of the room. The other guy semed a little nervous with me. I remember that he kept looking over my shoulder towards where my husband and the other girl were before he would kiss me. I kept asking him if he was uncomfortable because I would of gotten off of him ( I was sitting on his lap). He said don't you get off of me. He was also giggling or laughing a lot. I would joke with him and ask whats wrong you don't want to kiss me what you don't find me attractive? He would then say oh man yes I find you very attractive and then we would pull me down to kiss me and whatever else. It was a little confusing. I couldn't figure out if he was into me or not. He was definitly hard I could feel him when I sat down on his lap. But why did it take him so long to actually kiss me and touch me? I don't know as I've said before i've been with my husband since i was 15 so I don't have any experience with other men. My husband thinks it might of been because I'm his buddy's wife and it's a little more taboo than what he's use to. Or that he found me intimidatingly attractive now that he had the chance to be with me and he wasn't sure what to do. That was a shocker I would think if he found me that attractive he'd be all over me. I mean do guys really get scared by pretty girls?

If all four of us do decide to do this again I just hope he's into me. I guess I could look at it as a challange.

A good (vanilla) friend of mine is in the same situation you are: with her husband since they were teenagers (15 to be exact, also) and they've never been with anyone else. Now they're both really sexual people, open-minded, experimental and all, but without any experience with other people. It sounds to me like the guy was just very nervous. Maybe he was in exactly the same boat you are! Maybe he'd never been with anyone other than his wife, saw her and your husband getting along really well across the way and suddenly realized the pressure was on to perform somehow. Or it could've been that he kept checking to make sure his wife was ok, or that she was really ok with him being with you. None of us has any idea what goes on in another couple's private relationship. That's why if things seem to be going great and suddenly someone spazzes out for no apparent reason and the party is over, you shouldn't take it personally. As long as you're not imposing on any of the boundaries they've set forth, it's likely just something between the two of them. Stuff that they need to work out. Don't worry, you'll get your turns to do exactly the same thing

[twoplayful2]

Do they have any more attraction to each other than you have with the other guy or have they just been able to get past the point of discomfort a lot quicker and easier than you two have? It seems to me that the other guy is probably into you quite a bit also but you two just haven't been able to loosen up as much yet. It also might snowball some where you're uncomfortable with how you feel, how he feels, how your husband and the other girl are doing, and this is showing and affecting how he feels and acts, which comes back to make you feel even more like he's not as into it...etc, etc, etc...you just gotta somehow not think so much, stop worrying and go with things. I would agree with Int though, it does sound like he's probably pretty nervous. LOTS of reasons! And unless they're experienced swingers it's more likely someone would act like that than not. We actually had a very similar situation before we really got into swinging. I know the other female was into me and vice-versa but we sure didn't act it. My wife was so-so into the other guy but she was pretty game for trying it all out and she's much more outgoing than I am. The other guy was all eager and horny, worry about his wife or anything else was the last thing on his mind so the two of them had no trouble at all getting something started. It seemed most of what me and the other wife did was feel uncomfortable, and keeping tabs on how the other two were doing was a bit of a distraction from that at least.

[Miss_Piggy]

Originally Posted by ciara

This is funny to say but I feel the whole experience brought us a litter closer if that's possible.

I don't think this is uncommon at all. However, I agree with intuition in that I think many couples fail to take advantage of this and they get stuck feeling hurt.

Furthermore, my guess on the guy (I think I'm echoing intuition on this one too. sorry) is that he's worried about what his wife is doing, or how what he's doing will affect his wife. It doesn't sound like he's not into you by any stretch of the imagination.

[JnG]

Originally Posted by ciara

This is funny to say but I feel the whole experience brought us a litter closer if that's possible.

The other guy semed a little nervous with me.

For the record, I've been that guy before, so I know exactly what was going on. He was nervous - perhaps this was his first time, or at the least his first time with you. Perhaps he was a little insecure about his wife, but the fact that he maintained an erection is a very good sign.

Also, another thing: The more nervous a guy is around a woman, probably the more attracted his is to her (if he's not nervous at all, either you are very good at putting people at ease - rare! - or he's not that attracted to you). I know this very well, first hand, and it sucks.

Usually, the 2nd or 3rd meeting is a lot more relaxed. If the other couple is still interested and you are as well, you should consider having another go at it.