Does Cybersex=cheating

[JustAskJulie]

This came up in the topic on "What is Swinging", so I thought I would post a poll here regarding cybersex.

[OhioCouple]

I had to think about this question quite a bit before voting. How can Cybersex be cheating or swinging? It can't be swinging since you aren't physically with a person and is certainly safer than random sex. The only thing I could think of in regards to cheating would be if your mate opens up a $300.00 phone bill and they didn't know about it.

Now I don't condone and won't do the cyber chitty chat thing in anyway shape or form, (I personally find it appalling) but let's say if you are in a position where your significant other can't, won't have sexual relations or you have a high sex drive that isn't being fulfilled and you cyber chat to relieve yourself, is that any different than pulling out the Playboy or Hustler magazine and you don't let your spouse know this?

I can't see where you would have cheated unless you form an online cyber relationship that continues with just one individual.

As a female, am I cheating by masturbating or using a vibrator? I've had no physical contact with anyone but have utilized the toys and my mind to achieve orgasm. Is that cheating if I don't tell him about it? Or is it swinging?

Just some food for thought.

Lori

[Chicup]

While I voted option 2, as a side note, the few people who I know who had cyber sex ended up cheating with the other cybersexer for real.

[dave_susie2001]

[QUOTE]"Originally posted by OhioCouple:
am I cheating by masturbating or using a vibrator? I've had no physical contact with anyone... "[QUOTE]

Ok...let's add another twist to this Lori. If you were masturbating and letting someone watch you, what would that be? With/without the consent of your partner-swinging or cheating.

With today's technology, a webcam can be employed for just such a use. Is that cyber sex? Granted, the two people are not in close proximity, but they can see each other.

Susie and I have in the past had sex in front of our webcam while another couple watched and then we had the favor returned. Did we swing with them? I think soft swinging would include sex with your own partners in the same room where you could watch each other, but they were 35 miles away from us.

I don't know the answer to these questions. I'm torn each way. Opinions?

[OhioCouple]

quote:

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Originally posted by dave_susie2001:
If you were masturbating and letting someone watch you, what would that be? With/without the consent of your partner-swinging or cheating.

With today's technology, a webcam can be employed for just such a use. Is that cyber sex? Granted, the two people are not in close proximity, but they can see each other.

Susie and I have in the past had sex in front of our webcam while another couple watched and then we had the favor returned. Did we swing with them? I think soft swinging would include sex with your own partners in the same room where you could watch each other, but they were 35 miles away from us.

---

Well, I here's another one for the "Name Game Book". I guess it could be labled as "Cyber Soft Swinging"? I can see the changes in profiles now..."She is a cyber soft-swinger" he is not. This terminology has the potential to out number all of the definitions for BI!

I never thought about the webcam possibility.

Quite frankly I can't see any of it as a form of cheating or swinging. I can honestly say that I wouldn't mind, if we had a webcam, if I were to come home and find my husband having a "cyber swing". I wouldn't see it any different as if he were watching a porn video or stroking himself in front of the business channel. (He is going to shoot me when he reads this...sorry inside joke. Love ya honey.) I would probably find it highly erotic and we would probably have some great follow up lusty sex. The difference though would come in if he, and I believe it was Chicup mentioned this as a problem he has seen....would be if he started a physical offline relationship with someone without my knowledge or consent. That would then be cheating.

I suppose we are either strange, or we are just highly sexual beings.

I feel this is where the trust part comes to play in a relationship. I would trust that he would tell me that he wanted to meet with someone and ask for my consent. If he chose not to let me know that, then I would have to assume he wanted a divorce and I'd gladly give it to him. I don't fool around when it comes to cheating.

Lori

[ November 11, 2002, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: OhioCouple ]

[Alura]

The only guy I knew who did Cybersex left his wife and two kids and moved in with his Cyberfriend down in Florida. I reckon that's cheating.

Mr. Alura

[OhioCouple]

Another thought I had here. Is it possible that I don't see this form of entertainment as "cheating" (when you go solo) since I have experienced true "cheating" with my first spouse?

My husband says that it "may" bother him if he were to come home and find me on a webcam, (he read my earlier posts) but for some reason it does not bother me. To me that is not a "slap" in the face as it would be if you were having physical relations with another in which your spouse has no knowledge of.

Is it different for couples that were fortunate enough to find their soul mate, marry them and live happily ever after?

This is not a first marriage for either of us. But our opinions seem to differ. And by the way, he wasn't upset by my above comment regarding the business channel... a little embarassed maybe, but he laughed!

The hysterical part about this, is that we had considered buying webcams for all of the kids and ourselves so that we could watch as the grandkids took their first steps, first drool, first dadadada etc!

I have a feeling that the webcams aren't gonna be sitting under the tree this year! LOL

Lori

This is one of those questions that can easily be argued either way. I would have to say if you are to err on this one, it might be wise to err on the side of caution.

Walking in and catching your spouse physically cheating on you definatly seems worse in my mind than catching them getting off on cyber. Despite the fact that I find the idea of my wife cybering over the net(with the camera) rather ...intriguing, I know I would be upset if she did this behind my back.

I also found the poll results interesting, 56% said it wasn't cheating, it would be interesting to see the results of that same poll conducted on a site not dedicated to swingers.

[JustAskJulie]

Definately some interesting thoughts here. When I initially thought about the topic and the question I posted, I hadn't even considered cams in the picture. I was really just thinking about cyberchat basically (phone sex through typed chat). On the same line as the thoughts posted here.

Is phone sex cheating? What if the person calling, is calling the same person regularly for phone sex?

Is the defining line whether or not there is really mutual interaction? IE.

- If it's paid for it's not cheating (not referring to prostitution here so don't go off on a tangent... just to phone/cyber situations).

- If it's not the same person on a regular basis it's not cheating.

[FunFLcpl]

Cyber – cheating or swinging?

In my opinion (male half of FunFLcpl), Cyber sex is not swinging, but if one engages in cyber, or any sexual activates that involves another person, without the knowledge of your spouse -- it is cheating . The question that comes to mind is why would you not want to tell or involve your spouse? Swinging is all about trust, strong communication, and sharing great experiences as a couple. I believe that if one feels they need to partake in cyber sex, there are larger issues at hand concerning their relationship (i.e., break-down in communication, lack of romance/lust, etc.).

That being said, OhioCouple (Lori) stated, “As a female, am I cheating by masturbating or using a vibrator? I've had no physical contact with anyone but have utilized the toys and my mind to achieve orgasm. Is that cheating if I don't tell him about it? Or is it swinging?”

Self-masturbation is a very natural thing . To answer your question is it swinging or cheating? I don’t think it is swinging or cheating. I would say that 99% of us have achieved orgasm by self-masturbation using our imagination.

Now this is just my opinion, what say you?

Bob

[OhioCouple]

quote:

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Originally posted by FunFLcpl:
I believe that if one feels they need to partake in cyber sex, there are larger issues at hand concerning their relationship (i.e., break-down in communication, lack of romance/lust, etc.).

---

Would you feel the same way tho if you happened upon either sex reading the latest issue of Playboy/girl (do they still print that..yikes I am getting old ) and getting off on the centerfold or to an erotic story?

I guess my question would be... What makes the difference, whether it is in your mind, in your hand, in the magazine, in the video or in front of a webcam? Granted via a webcam you are getting live video but the end result is the same. You are alone, you are achieving whatever satisfaction that you desire/need/want and you have brought no potential threat for an infection or disease to anyone in the process.

Please remember that I am not endeared to cybersex, but I do not find any of the above to be a threat to our marriage.

Lori

[ November 11, 2002, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: OhioCouple ]

[FunFLcpl]

Posted by OhioCouple:

“Would you feel the same way tho if you happened upon either sex reading the latest issue of Playboy/girl (do they still print that..yikes I am getting old ) and getting off on the centerfold or to an erotic story?”

Lori,

Kerri and I have talked about this topic and we are both in concurrence. If a person reaches orgasm via Playboy/girl, VCR/DVD, or their vivid imagination, we see nothing wrong with these types of activates (hell we have both done this) . On the other hand, if a person chooses to engage in real conversation (e.g., cyber with or without a web cam, phone sex) without their spouse’s knowledge, this brings a more personal aspect to the table, hence the cheating part.

When a person is lacking something in their relationship (e.g., communication, romance, lust, etc.) it will manifest itself by the conversation that one engages in through “cyber play” or physical cheating. Studies show that there is a high risk that a spouse engaging in cyber sex will find a person that is willing to cyber on a regular basis. Within that same study, it shows that if a person cybers with that individual long enough, it will lead to a physical (in person) meeting.

We are both also in agreement, that if a person wishes to partake in cyber activities and their spouse HAS the full knowledge that this is taking place, this would not be cheating. This gives the spouse a choice to participate or not, and it is not behind their back.

Bob & Kerri

[sccple29073]

well my vote is yes and no...If you do it and your spouse has no idea then yes you are cheating. if your spouse is aware they you did or do it then no.

I look at it like this. If he/she feels they have to "hide" it or not tell the spouse then obvious they must feel it's wrong in the first place.

[sexualhealingmn]

IS HAVING CYBER SEX WITHOUT THE SPOUSE CHEATING?
My vote is YES ... and MAYBE ... and NO

YES -- if the cyber sex is part of an ongoing romance/relationship that one partner is carrying on without the knowledge or consent of the other. this can easily escalate into a full-blown physical thing and then result in leaving the wife (or husband) and kids and heading down to Florida

MAYBE -- if the cyber sex is not with one partner in particular but rather part of a pattern of exhibitionism with the intent of FINDING a regular partner.

NO -- if the cyber sex is a spur of the moment thing ... with someone you just meet online and CLICK with ... or with your spouse when he/she is at work

Mr. S.H.

[ciscosv]

Cybersex is not cheating to me. The only penetration happening is my fingers on the keys. I have never done this. What's the point? Not sure if the wife has in the past?

We need to ask William Clinton to give us the specifics on what's cheating and what's not cheating. If a BJ is not then.............