He lied about having her permission

We recently went to a hotel party. I went up earlier than hubby because he had to work till 9pm. I had planned on reading in some peace and quiet since my parents babysat our five kids. A couple that we have known and been with for a year, were there as well. The husband came to my room to "talk", supposedly with his wifes blessing. I told him that although I knew my husband wouldnt mind if I had done anything, I would still be more comfortable waiting till he got there. So we ended up talking for about 45 minutes. I asked if he would be missed and he said NO. He left the room, and I got ready to go downstairs to wait for my husband to show up, he was on the way. The other guy had stopped at his room, so when I was walking down the hallway, we met up and decided to walk together since we were going the same direction. It turns out his wife did NOT give her blessing. She confronted him with "where the "F" have you been", I told her nothing had happened, we were talking. She didnt believe it, and he didnt try to deny her acusation. Now the people that run the Forum she works with have trashed me completley on there. We thought they were our friends. What hurts the most is that I would NEVER do that, and all it would take is for her husband to be honest and tell the truth. Now I feel like there is no such thing as "friends" in this lifestyle. I'm just hurt from it all, even though my husband says they were obviously immature and having jealousy issues with each other. Any one have any advice? Its hard to just walk away.

[marvelousmarv]

This seems to be a common thing in the lifestyle.It has happened to my late wife and I on a couple of different occasions. Just move on and forget the couple that tried to pull this off on you.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by smileytattoo

It turns out his wife did NOT give her blessing. She confronted him with "where the "F" have you been", I told her nothing had happened, we were talking. She didnt believe it, and he didnt try to deny her acusation.

I don't understand why this guy isn't trying to defend himself and you. Have you asked your husband to have a little guy to guy chit-chat with him? Did you ask him what the deal was? If they're trashing you on their forum, are they trashing her spineless excuse for a husband as well?

[WesternSwing]

I'd forget about them, it's obvious she has issues you don't want to deal with. And like Vespertine said, why isn't this guy defending you? He has a problem, also.

As far as the forums go, if it was me, I'd post your side of the story then sign-off. Don't get in a pissing match with them. It doesn't sound like the people on that forum are very into believing there are two sides to every story. And in time, this woman (or both of them) will do the same to someone else and you'll be vindicated with all these folks having allot of egg on their faces.

Mr. WS

[DBL D]

We've had people lie to us. It is a bummer because you see what the loss is and you wonder why the truth isn't a better idea to some people. Then there is the loss of respect you have for them-unnecessary. The loss of your friendship-unnecessary.

Guy sounds like a mommas boy: "Where the hell have you been?" Geez!

Get away, but not after giving them a bit of the old right cross. Show them you have some spit and vinegar too.

Male D

[JustAskJulie]

Sounds like they have some serious issues of their own to work out. Maybe she did something to piss him off and he was using you to try to get back at her, who knows. Whatever the case, it's not your problem. The only thing you can do is tell the truth, and hope that others believe you, and if they don't then they aren't worth bothering with either.

There is such a thing as friendship in the lifestyle, but it's just like friendship in the vanilla world.... not everyone you think is your friend, really is.

[intuition897]

Let me know what forum that is so I can AVOID it. That's what I love about this place: if you're in the wrong, board members have no qualms about letting you know how much of the fault is your own. And the do it for your own good, not because they're petty. Likewise, people will post bearing the brunt of the blame, when in fact it was something beyond their control. The latter seems to be the case here, smileytattoo. I think that couple was all caught up in their own little brand of head-games, and you two just managed to get sucked into their little vortex of swirling bullshit. It happens. I'm the kind who really gets annoyed if she doesn't get the last word in, so if it were me, I'd (of course) want to tell the couple right where they could shove it. That's up to you, but many would argue it's not worth the wasted breath.

[biblonde]

Sorry D but i have to disagree with you on this one. If my hubby disapeared for a while and then I see him with someone else ..well he would get more than the third degree from me!!! It isnt about jelousy or trust on her part it is about respect on his part.

As for how you guys handle a situation like that...You arent at fault here and shouldnt worry about her getting mad. You did the right thing in asking him over and over again if his wife minded...HE is the one who lied to you. And if the forum they are on is that bad do you really want to deal with them??? I say bubye to them and the forum!! And who cares what all their little buddies think. They really arent worth it!!

best of luck

[Miss_Piggy]

Originally Posted by smileytattoo

Now I feel like there is no such thing as "friends" in this lifestyle. I'm just hurt from it all, even though my husband says they were obviously immature and having jealousy issues with each other. Any one have any advice? Its hard to just walk away.

Of course there is such a thing as friends in this lifestyle. As Julie said, they are much like friends in the vanilla world. Some of 'em turn out to be bad news. I know that it's hard to walk away sometimes but I think that is the best advice anyone could give you.
I agree with your husband; these people are having problems. Don't be any more a part of it that you already are and walk away.

I have already removed myself from her forum and the one she works for this past Monday. I made the decision not to sling mud on a forum, I emailed her personally, which turned out to be a waste of my time. Now she claims that she has no idea what I'm talking about and that she cant control what her boss says on the forum about whoevers husband I supposedly had sex with. As my husband advised, I'm just going to walk away from this one, lesson learned. The Forum she works for is FreakDaddys. The party we went to was the FreakBash, and anyone not affiliated with the site, that attended the party, would totally agree with me that the party was a let down.

[northindycpl]

All have had great advice so far. Personally, I believe in the direct approach. I would call up the wife (or send and email) and ask her whats going on. I would be direct and to the point.

I understand why you care what the others would think, I can certainly understand how you feel. This guy sounds like a weezel and I wouldn't waste another minute with him, thinking about him, or trying to convince him otherwise.

I would call the wife and simply state that she has misunderstood the situation, that you did nothing but talk to her husband, ask her about why she has shifted her behavior (one minute your friend, the next minute trashing you) and politely tell her to not continue to behave this way. I would add that you considered her a friend and after a year or so of being friends with her, you are surprised that this is her reaction, and perhaps even apologize to her for any misunderstanding she has that you have been a part of, and request her to apologize to you. If she does aplogize then I might even ask her if she needs to talk about something. (If you want to listen and offer her advice. I am not sure I would want to, it just depends)

After that call is made, get them out of your mind and move on. If others in your forum want to belive gossip then you don't need them. There are PLENTY of other fish in the sea.

[fun_pairTX]

He sounds like a real worm.

[DBL D]

Now BB, do you really think you would react that way in front of someone? I know you have some spark to you but you are also pretty level headed and I don't think you would. That was my point. We do understand that people have their "ways" of dealing with the lifestyle, but this couple (esp. the lady) couldn't handle their emotions until they could sit and discuss what the situation really was. That's the whole enchilada-that she cut off any further positive communication at that moment. He went with it without making his opinion known and thus allowed the situation to be seen differently than it really was. Maybe it would not have mattered to her anyway.

I really didn't mean to say that smiley should get too physical with her, just show that she has her honor and let her know that the other gal was wrong in her assessment. Not that the other Hubby was all lily white here, but I guess you live and learn.

Soooo....Move on and know that this is a "worse case scenario".
Things will be better the next time.

Male D

[DBL D]

I also wanted to say that I do understand the need for couples to know where the other is for safety and sexual reasons. I think we can all expect to be alone at some time or another with our partners and I would only hope that the trust that has been established doesn't get compromised in any way. I just think these two have a lot going on. We never heard why the other man had to talk for 45 minutes or what the subject matter was...just that nothing happened. That should be enough, I think.

Male D

Thank you everyone who replied!