Should we play with our married friend if her husband doesn't know?

[Bella&Cooper]

Recently, Bella has had an old high school friend get in contact with her. She had never dated him before, let alone slept with him. But they started instant messaging and hitting it off very well. She told him that we had had an experience with another couple and that we were seeking more experiences.

Bella has in fact, a fantasy about being in a MFM situation and I am more than happy to help her fulfill that by adding another man to the mix. She let the old friend know and he has indicated he is very interested in being with us (well Bella). Bella is definately interested in him too.

Here is my etiquette question:

He is married with children and she doesn't have any idea about any of this. He says that she would never go for the Lifestyle as she is to conservative. If he was to come play with us, he wouldn't tell her. He lives in another province and it would probably be a one time situation.

For me (Cooper), I do not like that idea that he wants to cheat on his wife and feel guilty about the idea of aiding him in doing so. Even though I have never met or talked to her, I am factoring her and their children into how I feel about this. Do I have any responsibility to her when her own husband doesn't?

Aside from the fact he is married and being sneaky, he would be a good fit for this scenario.

[misterbates]

Forget him.....nothing good will come of it....find someone else....

MrB

[growgirl]

Originally Posted by Bella&Cooper

I do not like that idea that he wants to cheat on his wife and feel guilty about the idea of aiding him in doing so.

I don't think it's a question of ettiquette but rather a question of comfort levels. Since you indicate you don't like the idea of helping this man cheat on his wife, I think you should tell Bella immediately that you are bothered by it and suggest an alternative. Discuss the issue and be upfront about your feelings of not wanting to be an accomplice to cheating. Since you're both open to the idea of finding a single man, I'm positive you'll find another good fit for your scenario.

gg's .02

[graygo98]

I don't think this a question of some established "swinger" etiquette. Its a question of values.... yours. You say that you think it would be sneaky and wrong. So, why do it?

And I would be less comfortable with someone from my SO's past than you are. Why not find someone with experience in the lifestyle and no baggage.

[ALilOEverything]

I think it's great you're thinking of his wife and children when he is not. Would you really want to be a part of something that could cause huge distress among them? If she found out and they divorce, wouldn't it feel terrible to know you were part of what went wrong? Are your fantasies more important than the integrity of this family? Those are some things to consider.

Also, he is someone who is willing to lie and cheat. Could you trust him with your own family? If he could lie to his own wife, the woman he loves and shares his bed with, could you trust him to not lie to you if he ever wanted to pursue something more with your wife?

It's hard to give up our fantasies and do the right thing sometimes, but this is something that could have terrible consequences. Try finding someone who totally fits in the scenario, that way there will be no guilt or ramifications to worry about later on.

[good times]

I wouldn't do it and we don't knowingly have anything to do with cheaters. Lets face it, by enabling this guy to cheat on his wife you are validating his actions and lending your aproval of his cheating.

I think you do have a responsibility to the other spouse, I'm sure if you were in her place you wouldn't want your spouse going behind your back and cheating on you.

In your case it makes even less sense to do this because single males willing to join you and your wife are one of the easiest things to find in the lifestyle and a single male is lot less hassle.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Bella&Cooper

Do I have any responsibility to her when her own husband doesn't?

Aside from the fact he is married and being sneaky, he would be a good fit for this scenario.

This is not an etiquette issue.

What if you and your wife weren't swingers and your wife started communicating with this old friend; they started discussing sex and how he and his wife are swingers; without you knowing it, this guy asked your wife to play with them and she "sneaks" off and does it, how would you feel?

Why would you ever want to play with a sneaky person who feels no responsibilty to their family.

If you swing with this man, you are as guilty, and sneaky, and irresponsible as this married man who wants to cheat on his wife.

LM

[confunktion]

Originally Posted by Bella&Cooper

For me (Cooper), I do not like that idea that he wants to cheat on his wife and feel guilty about the idea of aiding him in doing so. Even though I have never met or talked to her, I am factoring her and their children into how I feel about this. Do I have any responsibility to her when her own husband doesn't?.

I am a betting man; therefore, I bet that these feelings are coming from your gut, which in my experience is the place one should trust most often. I can say that I would feel the same as you, my friend, and I'd walk away. I've seen a marriage or two totally implode as a result of this type of behavior. It's not a good scene.

Do you have a responsibility to her? Not sure, but you do have a responsibility to yourself and those feelings you're having. Don't ignore them - they're telling you something important. I wish you all the best, Cooper.

Mr. Funk
My gut tells me it's time for an after-work drink.

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by Bella&Cooper

For me (Cooper), I do not like that idea that he wants to cheat on his wife and feel guilty about the idea of aiding him in doing so. Even though I have never met or talked to her, I am factoring her and their children into how I feel about this. Do I have any responsibility to her when her own husband doesn't?

I think you already know that answer to this. If it bothers you this much then do not go further. I have no respect for people who cheat on their spouces. Swinging is about recreational sex and fun...not destroying peoples lives (but that is just my own humble opinion)

[SexhoundDog]

Cooper,

Confunktion's words of wisdom say it all. The ol' gut instinct applies in many aspects of life, doesn't it?

And I'll definitely second the "it's time for an after work drink." Beer thirty out here is two minutes away!

[FunTxCouple]

I think being willing participants in something sneaky and deceitful is just as bad as being the "cheater". The fact that you are describing feeling guilty, is a red flag for you!

Just my 2 cents!
Mrs. Fun

[Nymph an' Satyr]

Originally Posted by dofny

Look, he's going to cheat with someone, what difference does it make?

Sorry- but that is a PISS POOR rationale, and a PISS POOR attititude.

Don't do it- the guy is a scumbag, as would be anyone who enables him in his cheating.

[DBL D]

Why are you guys so interested in doing this guy a "favor"? He must have some home life, Eh? I know we all have fantasies but the idea is to share them not keep them to ourselves. This guy is going to cheat...with you and your wife!

I'd hate to have that one on my head.

Male D

[twoplayful2]

Originally Posted by dofny

Look, he's going to cheat with someone, what difference does it make?

It's just a karma thing or something. Sure the guy might cheat anyways, eventually, but I've got a wife and kids and I could especially never be part of doing that to kids. I wouldn't want it happening to me so I'm not going to do it to someone else. There is also a chance that it wouldn't happen anyway. If he's someone like me who works from home, really doesn't get out all that much except to swinger clubs , maybe this opportunity isn't one he gets every day. If not for Bella making the first move maybe something like this would just never come up for him. You just don't know the future so saying he's gonna do it anyway is just making excuses, rationalizing your own lack of principals.

[Bella&Cooper]

Bella here all...

I just want to say thank you to all of you for your very honest and helpful opinions on this subject. This friend of mine is actually a very decent person, but clearly he DOES have issues in his own marriage if he is so very willing to take the plunge and swing with us. I don't think he's by nature a cheater, but having said that, one never knows, right? Cheaters are everywhere in this world..

I will say that I have always felt that people who swing solo are actually not swingers at all. Married men and/or women who swing solo are CHEATERS, not swingers. I will also admit here that I did get caught up in the whole idea of having a MFM with this friend of mine, because for me, it was somewhat "safe" in terms of my own comfort level. He and I were friends in middle school and high school, he lives far away, and there is a friendship there that actually has nothing to do with sex.

However, in hindsight, I am wishing I had never even approached him with the subject because what that has done has made me feel unbelievably awful in terms of me possibly enabling him to cheat on his wife. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT, and I won't be doing that, now or ever.

I do want to also say that through this confusing time, Mr. Cooper and I have become even stronger a couple than ever, and our ability to communicate on a totally honest, and intimate level has skyrocketed to new heights in recent days. I have appreciated his position on this whole idea from day one, and have included him in every way in terms of my feelings, fantasies and desires.

We will NOT be swinging with this friend of mine, and have discovered that for us, the real joy of swinging will come when we connect with couples where honesty and integrity are the two most important factors.

Thanks again, all. Mr. Cooper and I both love these boards. There sure are alot of great people on here.

Mrs. Bella