Swinging Cheaters Need Help

I have been visiting this site for several weeks, and now I feel I must post my question. Here is some background:

My husband and I have been married for 15 plus years.We have enjoyed a very good sex life together, but sometimes not a good marriage. Our marriage is very passionate, both positively and negitively, and when it is bad, it is very, very bad.

We have always discussed bringing others into our sex life. We have both been open to it. Several years ago, we decided to have a MFM. It was not the best of experiences, as my husband did feel some anomosity towards the gentlemen, and I felt uncomfortable knowing he was uncomfortable.

Several weeks after the 3 some, I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a women who was also married. The affair had been going on for about 5 months, and although my husband tried to end it often, he didn't.

In reviewing the evidence of the affair (emails, chat session logs) I came to the concrete conclusion that he was not having an affair for the sex, it was for the emotional attachment. She was a very needy woman. She was also very, very good at stroking his ego. (which is something I am not)

I am a very independant woman, very decisive, passionate, outgoing, responsible. My independance is often due to my husbands inaction. He felt as though, I didn't need him. This other woman was extrememly needy.

Through the hurt, anger, and even jealousy I felt of his affair, I began to have my own- with another woman. My thoughts were that if he could be selfish enough to seek gratification outside our marriage- then so could I.

I did enjoy the affair. For me it was just the sex. We would often have sex just the 2 of us, or with her husband or boyfriend. I decided to stop the affair, honestly just because I was bored with it. My husband and I were in councelling and I felt strongly that I wanted to work on my marriage.

The topic of swinging never came up in councelling, but we would still fantasize about it during our sex. I then became completely consumed with my husband and his needs for the next 3 or 4 years. Hoping that by doing that he would never cheat again. Which was a promise he made.

Over last year, our marriage started going downhill fast. We would argue, not have sex, (which is something that I desparately needed) and practically avoid each other at all costs. How can you love someone so much but never want to be in the same room with them?

The last straw came about 6 months ago. I found out that he had been chatting with a woman (more than half his age) online. While I was traveling for business, he was trying to make plans to meet-up with her. Of course he lied to me, but I was able to force him to stay home with the kids, instead of going, so they never actually met. When I got back from my trip I confronted him about this girl. An argument insued and he told me that he wanted to separate. This was something that I had been thinking about for many months. I did not expect the reaction that his statement created in me. I was literally vomiting from the idea, not just crying, visably hysterical. At that moment I knew that I loved him and wanted to work it out, for real this time.

We discussed all of our needs: his emotional, mine physical and through our discussions the issue of swinging came up over and over. We really stepped back, as we had nothing to loose, and all of the pent up resentment came out. For the first time in our marriage we finally said all of the things that we needed to say. Talk about the good, bad and ugly.

Since that discussion our entire marriage has changed for the better. We have be going to therapy, we are talking to each other, making sure that we are meeting each others needs. It has been great. Not perfect, but 100% better.

My need for sexual adventure has driven us to swinging, with my husband in 100% agreement. Everything has been going really well. Until last weekend.
He began flirting with a girl and I became so jealous. I talked to him and he stopped, and did everything he could to make it better for me.

He is going out of his way to be attentive, passionate, honest, loyal, loving, unselfish. All of things he hasn't been in many years. It has just been fantastic. Our communication is tremendous. What we discuss, how we discuss it. I feel he is being honest with me now. I feel that he is into it for what I am into it for, and we are on the same page. I just got jealous over this girl. Is swinging ok for us? Should we be doing this? Is it fair for me to want to do other men, but not let him do other women? I would rreally like to know everyones opinions.

[RippleCpl]

Is swinging ok for us? Should we be doing this?

Obviously I only know you from what you have written, but something is telling me, "No, you shouldn't do this." How long has your relationship been better? I get the feeling it hasn't been a long time. After a few years of a good, solid relationship I would say "Go for it."

Is it fair for me to want to do other men, but not let him do other women?

Well, I don't think it's fair, but if that's what you want, that's what you want. If he agrees to it, there's no problem.

[intuition897]

Guest, it is truly wonderful that you both laid it out for each other like that. When two people fully let go of their inhibitions and just lay themselves at each others' mercy, or come hell or high water just tell it like it is, not pulling any punches, wonderful things can happen in their marriage. You both breathe a huge sigh of relief and feel for the first time you're breathing free air.

I think with your new attitudes toward each other, swinging would be a definite possibility to explore...later. You may have stopped the bleeding, and stitched the wounds, but they need to heal, and you can expect a scar. You guys have done tremendous emotional damage to one another, and ignoring that fact or trivializing it is foolhardy. Recognize that and just focus on healing one another (plenty of bedrest ). If therapy works for you, great. I don't know of many that would promote non-monogamy as a healthy lifestyle choice, though, so if you haven't started seeing a therapist yet, beware. As time goes on, and the hurt starts to fade, consider exploring swinging together and go very slowly. It's not a race Do it for one another and not your own needs, and just always put your relationship first in everything you do. I hope this all works out for you. Take a few minutes and register, Guest, so we can get to know you better. Best of luck!

[EvilMJ]

I am going to be completely honest here and say that you should not consider swinging. The reason I say this is that you have yet to deal with the issues in your marriage.

You have a lot of issues of cheating, jelousy, emotional needs not being met, it seems like quite a long list, and to top it off it has only been 6 months since you have decided to do anything out it. To be able to swing successfully you have to have a strong marriage to begin with, with a basis in trust and communication.

It is very clear you do not have that as yet. I don't mean to be harsh in my commentary, but rather realistic.

You need to spend a lot of time working on a marriage and swinging will not improve a shaky marriage, it will break it.

I think what you need to do now is focus on each other, if after a year or two you have reached a point where you can communicate openly at all times, have complete trust in each other, then you could start to talk about it.

Spend this time thinking of each other...swinging should be the furthest thing from your mind right now

[Vespertine]

Dito to EvilMJ, she brings up a lot of valid points.

[Botcpl]

That puff of smoke you just saw was us...running as fast as we could...away.

P

[CowboynVixen]

You have answered most of your own questions.

You know down deep he is the one who is following the rules and you aren’t.

You ask is it fair to want to do others but keep him from doing the same, you already know the answer to that.

You have called yourself swinging cheaters in your topic title, but the two adjectives are diametrically apposed. A cheater cannot be a swinger and vice versa. A swinger is someone who knows the value of their mate and together with that mate share sexual adventure with others on an even playing field.

The big thing about swinging is the open communication and commitment to each others fun and good times as well as your own.

As long as you suffer the green eyed monster, you cannot swing.

Judging from the history you have given, I would suspect hormones have been raging a lot of the time, and this is perhaps behind the un called for jealousy.

Start fixing this problem by fixing you, 'cause the truth is, we only have control over one body and that is our own. The only way to change the behavior of someone else is to change your behavior so they react differently to you.

See a Dr. and ask about hormonal imbalances and let the Dr know about the uncalled for jealousy. It may be the start you need to get right with yourself, regardless which way you go.

We speak from experience

We wish you the best of insight.
soapbox

[jcbicouple]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Is it fair for me to want to do other men, but not let him do other women?

If you had a healthy relationship and you were both comfortable with one doing it and not the other: Sure. As long as you both agreed and there wasn't a problem with it for either of you. Each couple is different.

However, to answer your first question:

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Is swinging ok for us? Should we be doing this?

Honestly, from reading your post, we would say "No". It sounds like you two have a lot of work to do on your personal relationship before you should consider swinging. That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't ever do it, just that you need to be able to trust each other again before you bring more people into your sex lives. You obviously love each other, so you'll have lots of time to explore once you build your relationship and comfort level back up. If you do decide to go ahead with this now: We wish you the best of luck. You'll probably have a higher level of jeolousy than many couples do. You're going to have to deal with more bouts of jealousy as you move forward, and you'll need to be able to get past those. As you read the board, you will find that most relationships that work in this lifestyle are based on trust, and although everyone seems to have the occasional Green eyed monster syndrom, their partners are the ones that make it go away....not anyone else, and certainly not a swing playmate. We hope you'll take time to register and stick around (even if you wait to physically swing). Maybe if you read the threads on here together, you can discuss some of the things that will or won't bother you. It may be very theraputic in that you can really get to know each others thoughts and fears about subjects that you don't discuss in every day life. Good luck!

[sweetmelissa]

I would have to say I agree with all the others that you should definitely NOT be swinging within this relationship. The lifestyle is not a bandaid to fix a shaky marriage, it is a way for people already in a strong relationship to explore new areas with their partner. It is kind of like when people say they want to have children to make their so-so marriage stronger, most of the time unless you already have a good marriage, kids just makes things worse. Likewise for swinging. It sounds to me like you have an awful lot of work to do before you go involving other people in your lives. It is not fair to them or to your husband. Good luck!

[DBL D]

I guess it's one thing to have questions about motivation. That seems very normal. But to have these secret relationships is another.

I may have some folks whom I chat with Swing Lifestyle, but nothing is being planned to deceive my wife. It's all about info and how people handle themselves.

I don't think one should ever expect a swinging situation to be the savior of their "bad" marriage. Too explosive!

Male D

[NotsoNew]

We agree with Sweetmelissa. Swinging is not a way to fix a shaky marraige. You need to concentrate on you two and come to an understanding as to what you both want before you continue in the Lifestyle.

Good luck to you both! Keep us posted.

[JakenReenie]

I agree with the other posters who say you should definitely not get into swinging. Your relationship and your emotions are way too fragile right now.

I'm also going to say that you shouldn't be interacting with other couples for some pretty selfish (but accurate) reasons. Reenie and I in the past 13 years have run into many couples who are swinging for all the wrong reasons and quite honestly they have spoiled many a party and many an evening for us. We've become pretty good at reading couples and their interaction with each other and we avoid "Problem Couples" as much as possible. Sooner or later, it all comes out and when it does, we don't want to be there much less be part of it. We've witnessed too many embarrassing, ugly scenes.

Please stay home until you have your problems worked out.

Just our two cents.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by JakenReenie

I agree with the other posters who say you should definitely not get into swinging. Your relationship and your emotions are way too fragile right now.

I'm also going to say that you shouldn't be interacting with other couples for some pretty selfish (but accurate) reasons. Reenie and I in the past 13 years have run into many couples who are swinging for all the wrong reasons and quite honestly they have spoiled many a party and many an evening for us. We've become pretty good at reading couples and their interaction with each other and we avoid "Problem Couples" as much as possible. Sooner or later, it all comes out and when it does, we don't want to be there much less be part of it. We've witnessed too many embarrassing, ugly scenes.

Please stay home until you have your problems worked out.

Just our two cents.

Ditto to what JakenReenie said. We too have become fairly adept at spotting "problem couples" and we do avoid them. Our play time is limted due to the demands of our vanilla life, and we value it very much. While we sure don't mind playing with newbies (everyone was there once, right?) we can understand why so many experienced couples won't. If newbies are doing this for the right reasons, they're totally in tune with one another, and they're serious about giving it a try, sure! We'll play with them. It's a lot of fun to watch as they discover. But as I said, our time is valuable; we've had enough disappointing evenings of cold feet, bouts of jealousy, poor communication, NO communication, and obviously bad attitudes to last us a lifetime. So, we just avoid couples who aren't ready to handle it. If you're finding it difficult to find good partners playing as you are, this could be the reason.

[JustAskJulie]

Based on what you've written, no you shouldn't be swinging. It sounds like you are both completely selfish people that aren't even really ready to have a real relationship. You both were cheating on each other and only after that came out you decided well let's just swing. But that was fine for you so you could fulfill your sexual needs but what was good for the goose was not good for the gander and you couldn't give him the same freedom he was allowing you? Sounds pretty selfish to me.

[SussexCouple]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Based on what you've written, no you shouldn't be swinging. It sounds like you are both completely selfish people that aren't even really ready to have a real relationship. You both were cheating on each other and only after that came out you decided well let's just swing. But that was fine for you so you could fulfill your sexual needs but what was good for the goose was not good for the gander and you couldn't give him the same freedom he was allowing you? Sounds pretty selfish to me.

Harsh, but fair.

Other couples would (if they knew this background) mostly run - tell them and see. Its not fair on them. They have LOTS to lose and are have spent much energy to get there.

I think that also you guys may be a habit. You both want different things so go and get them. Seperating isn't the big deal it often is - it could be the best thing in the world for both of you. Guess what? COMMUNICATE talk about splitting and how it could work out.