Declined to play with a cheater, then accused of a double standard

Bigbird · 12-20-2004, 03:05 PM

Just wanted to get everyones opion on this situation...we have made our decision already but would like others thoughts.

We were invited out for new years eve, with a couple that we have played with in the past and had some great times.

They just told us that a friend of theirs would like to join us, she is married and has the "blessing" of her husband.

Now normally this would be fine, especially with me being the male and being out numbered by the women WOO HOO!!!!

The problem that we have is that she has been cheating on her husband for the last three years with a boyfriend, who she just cut it off with. We find this to be a red flag and just don't feel comfortable with people that cheat. So we decided to back out. The responce we got back was less than favorible and were accused of taking a double standard as we are in this lifestyle. Our contention is that we play together, not behind each other backs and that it is not in fact a double standard, but rather a more ethical decision.

What does everyone else think? All we did was connect the dots and made a logical choice.

luvingcple · 12-20-2004, 03:31 PM

I think you did the right thing here. I see alot of red flags and she obviously doesn't understand what swinging is all about if she equates it with cheating. You also don't want to take the risk of her husband finding out and all the drama that goes with it. I would find other playmates, too, if they condone this behavior.

Denver2some · 12-20-2004, 03:38 PM

We agree, you made the right choice in bowing out. And it's surprising the hosting couple tried to make you feel guilty for your decision, that's particularly bad form.

misterbates · 12-20-2004, 03:39 PM

You did the right thing....
Cheating and swinging are two different things...

We woul'da said See Ya!! Too...

If they can't understand that it's too bad for them...

Some people have two standards for swinging..they are so desperate to hold onto that "single" female that they overlook or try to justify all the red flags...

If it were a single guy in the same situation ...he would probably have been kicked to the curb long ago....

Mr B

facelick

couplefromma · 12-20-2004, 03:41 PM

We think you did the right things. If you have rules you need to stick with them and we have always said never get into anything we dont feel comfortable with.

And luvingcple is correct saying that if she equates swinging with cheating she doesnt have a clue as to what the lifestyle is all about.

Stick to your beliefs. You did what is right. You communicated your feelings to each other and to your friends and were honest with them as to why you didnt want to partake.

PAcouple2004 · 12-20-2004, 03:52 PM

We absolutely think you did the right thing as well. Leaving a scenerio of more women then men albeit hard but is necessary in this situation.

If your friends can't understand your position in this situation then that is too bad for them. I believe it was already said that being honest with your hosts was the best thing you could have done , they will think twice I am sure before putting you guys in that situation again. It takes more of an adult to do the right thing, after all responsibly swinging is the best type.

***JustAskJulie*** · 12-20-2004, 07:18 PM

I think you did the right thing. Who got upset with you? The other couple or the married female?

disqreetcouple · 12-21-2004, 10:08 AM

We wouldn't want to hang out with people like that anyway, regardless of who said it. Why? Because you and your significant other are in it together and want to have a good time. This obviously is an issue for you, as it would be for us. Why be in an awkward situation that you will not enjoy with that hanging in the air? Good choice

The good couples, in my opinion, are the ones that want you to have a pleasurable experience also and respect your boundaries!

Bigbird · 12-21-2004, 12:32 PM

Julie,

it was the other female half of the couple. I don't really know if the "single" female was upset or not as we don't have direct contact with her, which was another red flag.

dave110256 · 12-21-2004, 01:28 PM

think you did the right thing. Was it the other couple that got mad with you?

SexhoundDog · 12-21-2004, 02:05 PM

Bigbird,
Yep, you're right, they're wrong. An earlier reply mentioned how a guy would get fried if he were the male swinging alone, and particularly if he'd had an affair with another woman.
I think we sometimes have a double standard in our society, and certain women (now I'm not generalizing here, don't flame me) amongst themselves will somehow justify how it's OK for a woman to have the affair . . . the guy must be an asshole, not paying her enough attention, etc. the list could go on and on. Yet when a guy has one, he's a dirtbag. I think we've even seen a few instances of this on the board, where we feel sorry for a woman in a particular instance but if it's a guy in a similar situation, he doesn't quite receive the warmth from board members.

It does kind of make you wonder what this other couple's feelings would be if their female friend's husband was wanting to join the mix, doesn't it?

OpenVA · 12-21-2004, 02:56 PM

My wife and I hav run into this attitude before and have to admit we were a bit surprised. It was really amazing to us the fact that there were people out there (would be swinngers that is) that did not get that swinging is not just about the sex. It seems to me at least that there are people that think that if they are fucking someone else other then their SO that they are swinging.

We ran into a guy once that tried to call us hipocrites ( I can't spell and am to lazy to look it up right now) because we would not take part in him cheating on his wife by letting him play with us. He never saw the diffrence between my wife and I sharing the sexual experince together and the fact that we were having sex with ther people.

intuition897 · 12-21-2004, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigbird

The responce we got back was less than favorible and were accused of taking a double standard as we are in this lifestyle. Our contention is that we play together, not behind each other backs and that it is not in fact a double standard, but rather a more ethical decision.

What does everyone else think? All we did was connect the dots and made a logical choice.

What do I think??

Double standard!? Yeah right. I'd have my doubts not only about the sorta-single woman, but about this couple as well if that's their attitude toward the lifestyle. Your decision was an ethical one. If the couple gets pissy about it, you can rest assured that you were absolutely in the right in this situation. Being in the lifestyle does not automatically give anyone license to do whatever they want sexually, which a lot of folks out there unfortunately believe. They don't get how we can throw away sexual exclusivity with our partner by choice and still retain our ethical standards.

**good times** · 12-21-2004, 06:26 PM

I think you did the right thing to, you did what we would have done.

**Alura** · 12-21-2004, 06:37 PM

Without even considering the moral question of cheating, y'all did the right thing.

If Mrs. Alura and I ever agreed to a situation like that, it'd be my luck to be squarely in the saddle of the "sorta-single" woman when her husband finally tracked her down. I'd hate to try to "keep it up" while looking down the barrel of a Colt .45.

Bam! Bam! No thank ya, Ma'am!

Mr. Alura

Swingers Ads	Swinger Pics	Swinger Stories	Shopping	Search Swingers	Swingers Clubs	Swinger Articles	Dictionary	FAQs	Swinger Links
Forums	Register	Swinger Events	Search	Today's Posts	Mark Forums Read	Chat Room [3]

12-20-2004, 03:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
Bigbird Active Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 14 Location: Wisconsin	Declined to play with a cheater, then accused of a double standard Just wanted to get everyones opion on this situation...we have made our decision already but would like others thoughts. We were invited out for new years eve, with a couple that we have played with in the past and had some great times. They just told us that a friend of theirs would like to join us, she is married and has the "blessing" of her husband. Now normally this would be fine, especially with me being the male and being out numbered by the women WOO HOO!!!! The problem that we have is that she has been cheating on her husband for the last three years with a boyfriend, who she just cut it off with. We find this to be a red flag and just don't feel comfortable with people that cheat. So we decided to back out. The responce we got back was less than favorible and were accused of taking a double standard as we are in this lifestyle. Our contention is that we play together, not behind each other backs and that it is not in fact a double standard, but rather a more ethical decision. What does everyone else think? All we did was connect the dots and made a logical choice.

12-20-2004, 03:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
luvingcple Active Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 16 Location: tn Status: couple	Re: 2 couples and another female I think you did the right thing here. I see alot of red flags and she obviously doesn't understand what swinging is all about if she equates it with cheating. You also don't want to take the risk of her husband finding out and all the drama that goes with it. I would find other playmates, too, if they condone this behavior.

12-20-2004, 03:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
Denver2some Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 261 Location: Denver, CO	Re: 2 couples and another female We agree, you made the right choice in bowing out. And it's surprising the hosting couple tried to make you feel guilty for your decision, that's particularly bad form.

12-20-2004, 03:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
misterbates Here to Stay Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 87 Location: State of Confusion Status: M/Couple	Re: 2 couples and another female You did the right thing.... Cheating and swinging are two different things... We woul'da said See Ya!! Too... If they can't understand that it's too bad for them... Some people have two standards for swinging..they are so desperate to hold onto that "single" female that they overlook or try to justify all the red flags... If it were a single guy in the same situation ...he would probably have been kicked to the curb long ago.... Mr B facelick

12-20-2004, 03:41 PM	#5 (permalink)
couplefromma Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 61 Location: Franklin, MA	Re: 2 couples and another female We think you did the right things. If you have rules you need to stick with them and we have always said never get into anything we dont feel comfortable with. And luvingcple is correct saying that if she equates swinging with cheating she doesnt have a clue as to what the lifestyle is all about. Stick to your beliefs. You did what is right. You communicated your feelings to each other and to your friends and were honest with them as to why you didnt want to partake.
	Last edited by couplefromma; 12-20-2004 at 03:48 PM.

12-20-2004, 03:52 PM	#6 (permalink)
PAcouple2004 Active Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 11 Location: Pennsylvania	Re: 2 couples and another female We absolutely think you did the right thing as well. Leaving a scenerio of more women then men albeit hard but is necessary in this situation. If your friends can't understand your position in this situation then that is too bad for them. I believe it was already said that being honest with your hosts was the best thing you could have done , they will think twice I am sure before putting you guys in that situation again. It takes more of an adult to do the right thing, after all responsibly swinging is the best type.

12-20-2004, 07:18 PM	#7 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,288 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Re: 2 couples and another female I think you did the right thing. Who got upset with you? The other couple or the married female?

12-21-2004, 10:08 AM	#8 (permalink)
disqreetcouple Active Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 30 Location: Illinois	Re: 2 couples and another female We wouldn't want to hang out with people like that anyway, regardless of who said it. Why? Because you and your significant other are in it together and want to have a good time. This obviously is an issue for you, as it would be for us. Why be in an awkward situation that you will not enjoy with that hanging in the air? Good choice The good couples, in my opinion, are the ones that want you to have a pleasurable experience also and respect your boundaries!

12-21-2004, 12:32 PM	#9 (permalink)
Bigbird Active Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 14 Location: Wisconsin	Re: 2 couples and another female Julie, it was the other female half of the couple. I don't really know if the "single" female was upset or not as we don't have direct contact with her, which was another red flag.

12-21-2004, 01:28 PM	#10 (permalink)
dave110256 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 308 Location: Maine Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:dave110256	Re: 2 couples and another female think you did the right thing. Was it the other couple that got mad with you?

12-21-2004, 02:05 PM	#11 (permalink)
SexhoundDog Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 357 Location: Colorado Status: M.Male	Re: 2 couples and another female Bigbird, Yep, you're right, they're wrong. An earlier reply mentioned how a guy would get fried if he were the male swinging alone, and particularly if he'd had an affair with another woman. I think we sometimes have a double standard in our society, and certain women (now I'm not generalizing here, don't flame me) amongst themselves will somehow justify how it's OK for a woman to have the affair . . . the guy must be an asshole, not paying her enough attention, etc. the list could go on and on. Yet when a guy has one, he's a dirtbag. I think we've even seen a few instances of this on the board, where we feel sorry for a woman in a particular instance but if it's a guy in a similar situation, he doesn't quite receive the warmth from board members. It does kind of make you wonder what this other couple's feelings would be if their female friend's husband was wanting to join the mix, doesn't it?

12-21-2004, 02:56 PM	#12 (permalink)
OpenVA Here to Stay Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 38 Location: Richmond, VA Status: Couple	Re: 2 couples and another female My wife and I hav run into this attitude before and have to admit we were a bit surprised. It was really amazing to us the fact that there were people out there (would be swinngers that is) that did not get that swinging is not just about the sex. It seems to me at least that there are people that think that if they are fucking someone else other then their SO that they are swinging. We ran into a guy once that tried to call us hipocrites ( I can't spell and am to lazy to look it up right now) because we would not take part in him cheating on his wife by letting him play with us. He never saw the diffrence between my wife and I sharing the sexual experince together and the fact that we were having sex with ther people.
	Last edited by OpenVA; 12-21-2004 at 03:01 PM.

12-21-2004, 06:26 PM	#14 (permalink)
good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,919 Location: Reno, Nevada Status: Married to Mrs Good Times Swing Lifestyle Name:randp	Re: 2 couples and another female I think you did the right thing to, you did what we would have done.
	__________________ R (He is R, she is P)

12-21-2004, 06:37 PM	#15 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,136 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	Re: 2 couples and another female Without even considering the moral question of cheating, y'all did the right thing. If Mrs. Alura and I ever agreed to a situation like that, it'd be my luck to be squarely in the saddle of the "sorta-single" woman when her husband finally tracked her down. I'd hate to try to "keep it up" while looking down the barrel of a Colt .45. Bam! Bam! No thank ya, Ma'am! Mr. Alura
	__________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Why the Double Standard?	Beardedknight	BiSexuality & Swinging	39	09-15-2008 01:57 AM
My wife has a double standard and may be cheating, too	Naughtycool	One Sided Swinging / Taking One For the Team	52	12-05-2005 09:57 PM

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode