Lost in emotions with my wife and my feeling!

[SamIAm]

Hi all, I am a bite down today and I’m not sure were to start. I guess a brief summery of us would be good.

We started swinging back in late April. That is when we had our first threesome (MFM). Not to say if a MFM is a truly swinging! We live in a small town in Colorado. So to find someone to help us with our first threesome we had to travel a couple of hours. Well, since then, we have met someone from our town and that person was our 2nd threesome (MFM). This guy is married and says that his wife knows and they are okay with playing with out one another. Okay! We have only met up with him once so far back in late September.

Well, my wife and I chat with him often, on the net. Her more then me! Which really doesn’t bother me? I know I can come home and read what they talked about on the message archive. This brings me up to what is on my mind. head bang

They chatted two days ago. I got home from work and wanted to read what they chatted about, but when I went to go to bring it up, it seem to be a problem that I was doing that with my wife. She felt that I always don’t need to run up to the computer and bring up the archive and start reading it. I don’t do this everyday mind you. Any how, I didn’t read it that night. I emailed it to my work so I could read it the next day, witch was yesterday.

Here is some of the chat from two days ago:

Wife (1:25:57 PM): Hey sexy, are you still working these days?
The Guy (1:26:12 PM): LOL
The Guy (1:26:17 PM): yeah I am how about you sexy?
Wife (1:26:27 PM): no
Wife (1:26:40 PM): are you home 4 lunch?
The Guy (1:26:48 PM): yeah
The Guy (1:26:53 PM): two hour lunch LOL
Wife (1:27:02 PM): nice.
Wife (1:27:28 PM): so a little lunch and a little fun..can't beat that!
The Guy (1:28:04 PM): nope
The Guy (1:28:11 PM): would love to have some fun in real life
Wife (1:28:31 PM): as do I!
Wife (1:28:40 PM): w/u.
The Guy (1:29:11 PM): yes definately with you
The Guy (1:29:21 PM): maybe I could come over and Sam could watch us on cam
Wife (1:29:43 PM): great idea..but Sam would not want that.
The Guy (1:30:09 PM): yeah I know
The Guy (1:30:12 PM): lol
Wife (1:30:15 PM): well I have to go...daughter home sick from school....
Wife (1:30:19 PM): have fun.
The Guy (1:30:33 PM): bumer
Wife (1:30:33 PM): and hope to cam with you soon!
The Guy (1:30:35 PM): ttyl then
The Guy (1:31:01 PM): yeah totally!!
Wife (1:32:59 PM): sounds great to me...just Im me when you want to...except right now...lol
Wife (1:33:02 PM): bye.

Nothing much there, but I do like the fact that She told him that I would not want that. Okay, here so some more of there chat from later on two day ago.

Wife (9:33:53 PM): hello
The Guy (9:34:00 PM): hi there
Wife (9:34:08 PM): whatcha doing?
The Guy (9:34:18 PM): just checking email and stuff
The Guy (9:34:21 PM): you?
Wife (9:34:22 PM): cool.
The Guy (9:34:26 PM): is this Samantha or Sam?
Wife (9:34:42 PM): digging my x mas shit out of the crawl space..lol
Wife (9:34:52 PM): Samantha
The Guy (9:34:59 PM): cool
The Guy (9:35:05 PM): hey there sexy
Wife (9:36:42 PM): so your checking e mail..anything else FUN?
The Guy (9:37:01 PM): nope wish i was doing something fun with you tho
Wife (9:39:20 PM): so have you been getting sex now?
The Guy (9:39:38 PM): nope she still hasnt gotten her pills
The Guy (9:41:20 PM): need some vigorous activity to keep us warm
Wife (9:42:11 PM): sound real good to me!
The Guy (9:42:32 PM): well you just tell me when and where?
The Guy (9:42:40 PM): like tomorrow would be perfect LOL
Wife (9:42:48 PM): now would be great!
The Guy (9:43:02 PM): yes...yes it would LOL
Wife (9:43:59 PM): r u on cam?
The Guy (9:44:13 PM): nope
The Guy (9:44:15 PM): why do you ask?
Wife (9:44:37 PM): just curious...and imagining!
The Guy (9:44:46 PM): mmm
The Guy (9:44:51 PM): you up for playing in the mornging?
Wife (9:45:17 PM): sounds like fun..but Sam won't be here.
The Guy (9:45:27 PM): on cam of course
The Guy (9:45:35 PM): LOL
Wife (9:46:03 PM): maybe I can watch you ....if you don't mind.
The Guy (9:46:14 PM): I dont mind
The Guy (9:46:20 PM): but i cant watch you??
The Guy (9:49:18 PM): ??
Wife (9:50:04 PM): not tomorrow..sorry.
The Guy (9:50:10 PM): why not??
Wife (9:50:46 PM): Sam want's me to cam when he is around.
The Guy (9:50:53 PM): oh gotcha
The Guy (9:50:54 PM): bummer
The Guy (9:51:01 PM): he didn’t like it last time we did it?
Wife (9:51:36 PM): yes he enjoys it..but when he is around.
The Guy (9:51:51 PM): well I meant the last time me and you did it with out him
The Guy (9:51:59 PM): that is cool I dont want to cause any problems
Wife (9:54:04 PM): well I'm not sure.
Wife (9:54:17 PM): your not causing problems to me.
The Guy (9:55:32 PM): ok good
Wife (9:55:41 PM): so are you still working on that basement?
The Guy (9:55:46 PM): yep
The Guy (9:55:59 PM): this week I am just kinda going in on my schedule
Wife (9:56:06 PM): nice!
The Guy (9:56:13 PM): yep
Wife (9:56:44 PM): so are you going to be alone anytime soon?
The Guy (9:56:54 PM): not sure
The Guy (9:57:10 PM): she mentioned going down to Denver to visit family but I dont know when?
Wife (9:57:21 PM): cool...
Wife (9:57:47 PM): keep us posted if you want to get together!
The Guy (9:58:06 PM): I definately want to fuck you again if that is what you mean
Wife (9:58:23 PM): well I wasn't asking that!
Wife (9:58:30 PM): but it's good to know.
The Guy (9:58:34 PM): sorry
The Guy (9:58:37 PM): lol
Wife (9:59:30 PM): so I can have our daughter to stay over at my brothers house for a night if you wanted to get together on a weekend.
The Guy (10:00:04 PM): very cool!!!
Wife (10:00:27 PM): so he will watch her.
The Guy (10:00:58 PM): cool!
Wife (10:01:54 PM): well I guess that i will let you go.
The Guy (10:02:14 PM): ok luv
Wife (10:02:23 PM): have a good night.
The Guy (10:02:30 PM): you too sexy
The Guy (10:02:32 PM): ttyl!

There is some stuff I question on this chat, that I didn't know of as well.

Sorry All, I’m having a hard time typing this up. Not that good at getting what I want to say, out.

I’ve been up front with my wife about how I don’t want her to play one on one with anybody , that we should be in this together. And she has respected that. I feel that she is being very up front with me. And it seem to me she is let this guy know that I want to be a part of what is going on.

But yesterday, they chatted… and he had his cam on for her. Once again, I don’t really care if he shows her; I just want to be around if she shows him. Insecure I’m sure I am, but want to be in this together. Well, yesterday when I got home, I went to bring up there chat. It had been deleted . All the others chats were there from that day, but that one. I asked her about it, and she said, she didn’t know what happened to it. Well, my mind started rolling and I got mad . We got into a small argument about this. I asked her a few times what did they talked about and some how it never really got answered. Maybe we were just too busy bickering.

I wish I wasn’t up-set . After yesterday missing chat, I am getting a feeling that she was trying to hide what they talked about. I hate this feel. Wish I could change it.

What are your thoughts on this? Am I making this something that it is not? Could the chat have disappeared because of some kind of computer problem? Maybe in my state of mind, I should just back off. I’m just so confused. Surrender

Thanks all for listing.

[northindycpl]

I am not sure if the chat can automatically be deleted without help. I am not a tech, but I would think that it would have to have been deleted manually.

I would have been uncomfortable with them chatting alone in the first place. I would be uncomfortable with the referance he made of his wife going to Denver so he could play with you two. I would be uncomfortable with the playful way she told him "no" which sounded to me like more of a "maybe, just need more convincing." I would be uncomfortable with the deletion, and most importantly
I WOULD BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HER AVOIDING THE PROBING OF YOUR QUESTIONS.

Always trust your gut instincts. If something is wrong.. you know it is. People who live honestly have nothing to hide, therefore have nothing to delete, or questions to avoid.

I would immediately call her to a conversation about this situation. I would tell her that you are uncomfortable and end the relationship with this man immediately. If she hesitates then you have the answer you are looking for, but don't want to admit.

I doubt very seriously, that this mans wife knows anything about his escapades and I certainly wouldn't let a man like that in my bedroom.
If he can cheat on his own wife, what makes you think he won't cheat with yours?

Swinging is about open communication with each other, and it never works if anyone is uncomfortable with any aspect of it. This is an activity that you do together, not alone.

Sorry to hear of your troubles!

[Miss_Piggy]

I've lost bits of chat history before. But it does appear a little suspicious given some of the things being mentioned. Dod you know before about them web camming alone without you?

The fact that you are having suspicions speaks to a trust issue that appears to be developing, however. Once the two of you have calmed down enough you should really have a good chat about this. Tell her that you are feeling uncomfortable with the situation and that you're feeling left out with all this chatting going on without you. Whether or not you are justified in your feelings is of less importance than the existance of the feelings. The two of you may need to have a talk about how both of you can insure that you are feeling more included in the situation. You could assure your wife that you aren't accusing her of anything but that you are feeling left out and that you don't want to see this become a big problem - which is why you are wanting to address it. In the end you have to work out something that leaves you both feeling loved and accepted.

[Miss_Piggy]

oh - and I forgot about the cheating issue. Are you sure this guy is being entirely honest with his wife? This guy might be more trouble that he is worth. This is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed.

[HotCoupleGnS]

Not saying that deleting the chat was ok, just offering a different idea, if it was on yahoo. It has happened to me & to hubby. We can be chatting away, & something happens to the comp or yahoo locks up. If I restart my comp, the whole conversation is gone. No archive of it, but all the others will be there. Not saying that is what happened, but maybe you could ask you wife if that is what happened. But I wouldn't offer up the idea, just maybe ask if she had comp problems or something. Sorry if this didn't help, lol.

[jblow]

I'd trust your gut. the second chat you posted even mentions them doing 'it' without you knowing about it.

I can't speak for anyone else, but in our rules, ANYTHING hidden, concealed or especially outright lied about itsn't swinging, its cheating.

[Denver2some]

Hey Sam,

This is a long reply, so bear with me.

The guy is most likely doing this without his wife's knowledge, and that is a disaster waiting to happen.

But besides that ...

One of the first things we learned when we started was ... all feelings are valid. So although you don't like the feelings you are having right now, they are valuable because they are telling you something: you're not comfortable with the situation. You need to share that with your wife. Right away.

Most couples agree when they start out that if something feels wrong for one, both stop that activity or situation. Sometimes, after some good communication, you can get to the bottom of the concern and all is well, and you can resume. Sometimes not, and it becomes a "we don't do X" kind of rule going forward.

Although yes, that archive could have been "lost" it may be that she deleted it. Maybe she reread it herself and thought, "Hmm ... I was being a little too flirty and suggestive here." Or, "That could be interpreted as really inviting him over or to cam, rather than just teasing about it." So she deleted it because she felt a little weird about what she said. (And maybe a little defensive.) Not a good decision, but we all make mistakes.

The problem here is she broke one rule you had set: that you get to read all chats. You need to talk to her (calmly) and explore with her why the rule is important to you. Not because you don't trust her, but because you want to be a part of things. After all, this is something you are doing together. There may be other reasons you made the rule, like it turns you on to read her teasing another man ... if so, tell her that too. That way it doesn't seem like you are "checking up on her" and make her defensive. I wouldn't address the "lost" chat at all, but rather talk about the chatting/archiving/reading process overall as something that is important to you. Share how it is making you feel. Word it "this situation is making me feel ..." rather than "you are making me feel." Ask her how she feels when she's chatting without you there ... maybe she likes it at the time, it's a kick ... but she feels guilty afterwards about being flirty and questions her own behavior (hence the delete.) You can learn all kinds of interesting things about yourself and your spouse by doing this kind of communicating.

If you can't resolve things to your comfort level, I would recommend issuing a (at least temporary) "no chatting/camming solo" rule. Take a step back.

Good luck!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

I doubt very seriously, that this mans wife knows anything about his escapades and I certainly wouldn't let a man like that in my bedroom.

If he can cheat on his own wife, what makes you think he won't cheat with yours?

Dito

When you said this man was playing without his wife, that's all it took for me to make my decision.

Get rid of this guy!

You made a poor decision by inviting that guy to swing with you.

Choosing a guy like that is asking shit to happen.

LM

[DBL D]

On the surface I thought that the chatting looked ok. She wanted to involve you and didn't do certain things while you were gone.

Later on , I got a different feeling....that she wants to be with this guy...alone. Some people want to be alone with someone else for reasons of their own. If the rules you have made and try to keep say that you only do things as a pair you both should try to keep to that.

About the "single" guy. One thing I have read (because we haven't decided to do a MFM yet) is to talk with the other mans lady and get her feel on it. If she's okay with it then everything should be cool. If he never wants to let you speak with her, that is a red flag.

Male D

[SexhoundDog]

SamIAm,
LikeMinds quoted the EXACT thing I was going to quote in my reply. With the possible exception of the deleted e-mail, your wife appears to have been pretty good about making it clear that your involvement is necessary if he wants to play. Good for her on that account.

However, the e-mails where he asks is this Sam or Samantha makes me think that however that question is answered will determine how he converses. And there is no question of a doubt that he isn't to be trusted. Reading what their e-mails say tells me this guy is tempting the hell out of your wife to be with him with or without your knowledge.

Add to that the fact that he is blatantly cheating on his wife and I can recommend to you in no uncertain terms TRASH THIS GUY NOW !!

You're asking for trouble if you don't. I hope your wife agrees, or you'd better consider counseling. I wish you the very best of luck.

[DBL D]

We don't have a problem with asking who we are talking to even though the messages will be stored. Conversations can't be made too generic.

Male D

[good times]

Very Scary!

The way this guy talks in the chats and the way he keeps bringing up that he is willing to play with your wife without you, even though he has been told numerous times that that isn't ok tells me on thing loud and clear, CHEATING doesn't bother him a bit. That would also lead me to believe, like others here, that his wife probably doesn't know either and he is cheating on her too. We always tell potential playmates that we only play together and if they were to bring up playing seperate after we told them it wasn't cool with us we would break off that relationship right there.

Dump him quick, is my recommendation, time to kick him to the curb. Then talk extensively with the wife and not swing again until you are both clear on your boundries.

[Alura]

I agree with what some of the others have said, SamIam. I think you made a mistake getting involved with this guy without meeting his wife to be sure he isn't cheating. However, from your wife's conversation with him, I firmly believe his wife has no idea this has been going on and you can pretty-much be assured your wife is not the only woman he's fucked outside his marriage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned or packing a Colt .45! You'd be a damn sight better off without this guy. If your wife can't see that, I agree that y'all need to find a counselor.

If y'all can get this episode behind yourselves without damaging your marriage, and I hope y'all can, you might considering playing with couples in the future. They don't generally pose such problems, because most married guys who swing won't try to get a one-on-one with a wife. They know it's way out of order to even ask.

You can easily have a MFM with a couple, not to mention an FMF, MFMF...

Single but married honest cheaters are to be avoided like the plague!

Also, if your wife lied to you about the missing chat, you have serious matters that need to be fixed before any more outside play.

Mr. Alura

[biblonde]

Wife (9:56:44 PM): so are you going to be alone anytime soon?
The Guy (9:56:54 PM): not sure
The Guy (9:57:10 PM): she mentioned going down to Denver to visit family but I dont know when?
Wife (9:57:21 PM): cool...
Wife (9:57:47 PM): keep us posted if you want to get together!

This really bugged me! To me this says wifey doesnt know anything about it!! If he cheats on his own wife he will try to get your wife to cheat on you!!! Cheating is such a big NO NO especially in this lifestyle. And like Mr. Alura said ...nothing like a woman scorned...if she finds out she may come after you wife ...I know I would go after any woman who cheated with my hubby...after I delt with him of course since it takes two . I would really worry about the missing IM...I have never had just one out of the day up and disapear..sounds real fishy along with the fact that she got upset if you were going to read them. I do chat when hubby is at work but I always tell him about it and tell him to read our chatt. I want him to know everything that was said. I have nothing to hide from him and he does the same thing back to me.

just my 2 cents for the day

[EvilMJ]

Gotta agree with everyone.
The minute the person you are chatting with starts making requests to see you without your husband or have 'cam' sesssions without your husband, I would drop him like a hot potato. It smacks of disrespect and cheating.

We have a rule that if something is making one of us uncomfortable it stops....there doesn't even have to be a reason...it just stops. We love each other and our marriage is more important than some guy. THere are lots of guys out there...take the time to chose one that respects both your wife and you, or just swing with couples.

Either way you need to get out of this situation and maybe make some new rules