Lost in emotions with my wife and my feeling!

[OhioCouple]

A lot of great ideas have been expressed here. I agree with most of them. One thing I didn't see touched on, is the fact that you are still relatively new to swinging. Mistakes can be made in abundance...I know, we made a lot of them. It goes back to the communication. Sit down with your wife and take the time to adjust your rules, discuss what bothers each of you and find a resolution. Only then should you resume swinging, in any shape or form. Be it web cam, instant messaging, or doing the ditty. The excitement of doing something that both are in total agreement would be fun, can place you in situations that are less than exciting or fun, for either one or both of you. Clearly you are in a less than fun state, and I would be willing to bet your wife is too. She may feel sucked into this person (which I wholeheartedly agree you need to talk to his wife) and not know how to get out of the situation without seeming like a prude. It's obvious that their chats have shown where she relayed that you would not like some of his requests....and some of her talk, most likely is not knowing what to say or wanting to be a 'hip' swinger...afraid to say differently.

My suggestion is to put a halt to all activity...webcam, instant messaging, swinging...until you can discuss this together and reach a resolution on what is comfortable for both of you. Your marriage is worth more than swinging.

Best wishes to you both. Please keep us informed.

Hmm... everyone is really quick to attack the other guy. Remember that THEY INVITED HIM IN! I would deffinitly talk to your wife NOW!!! Communication is the key. And I would ask if you could speak with this guys wife, that would answer a lot about his motives! I have to say that your wife did put him off about doing something with out you, but that is seems like in the future she could be worn down on that resolve. Mr. Smiley and I ONLY swing with couples. How ever neither one of us cares if the other gets on the web cam, because we TRUST each other. We talk about things that we read on forum's and how we would feel or react, like I said: communication is the key. Good Luck

[knots4u]

Single guy reply here- I always ask if I am talking to the couple just one on one. If it is the male, I am more comfortable, if the female I ask her to contact me when the husband is home. I have found it helps with the jealousy issues. Also helps to make friends first, talk to them a few times in a social atmosphere to find out what the boundries are, invite the couple over to show I am not married, etc, etc. If one asks me to meet them by themselves, I must have proof, in person that the other spouse knows about our meeting and is okay with it. I feel that a delicate relationship must be based on truth and communication.
For the record, I have also lost my "cache" of IM. Not sure if it didn't shut down correctly or what, but I can understand the suspicions. Hope you and your wife are able to work thru all of this....swinging should enhance your marriage, not tear it apart.

[2chase3]

Here is my concern, As it appears from your post your wife is making initial conact each time. I take it she is a stay at home mom. If you were clear from the beginning you wanted to be involved in every situation. why does she feel it is acceptable to chat with him alone daily?
As for if he is cheating or not (which he possibly well be) This is off subject and not a problem you will have to deal with. Your wifes confusion on this new found relationship will be. Get a handle and get it quick, it shows first signs of a all around bad outcome in my book.

2chase3
)

[lovinher]

Where else can you get some good advice almost three years later?

[onecrazydiamond]

I would put the brakes on in this relationship in a hurry. First off, I wouldn't be chatting alone to this guy unless I had intentions to hook up on my own. Without my husband. It's disrespectful coming from your wife and this guy. First off, how many emails or chats does he have with you alone a day? It seems he only likes to chat with your wife alone. There is your first warning. She keeps on chatting back in a playful tone which seems to be on a daily basis, knowing that it is a threesome situation. Why can't she just chat only when you are home. Warning two. Neither of you have had any contact with his wife, and why does he have to stress the fact that she's going out of town? Warning three. I say three strikes you are out. If I was swinging with this man and my husband, I would be pissed that he wasn't respecting my husband by trying to privately chat with me and I would tell him right from the get go that we are no longer interested. And I would have asked to meet him with his wife for dinner from the get go. Good luck in losing the loser!!!!!!!!!

[incommunicado]

O.K. I admit, I didn't read everyone's reply, so forgive me if I repeat anything that was already said....


Reading your post was difficult for me because I saw a lot of parallels to my own situation. My wife and I no longer actively swing, but we did for a short time. Our rules were supposed to be that we only swung together and that we both had a say in who we swing with. When we did it, it was great! But two issues arose that became a problem in our relationship. First, there were two men I rejected as potential swing partners whom she went off and had sex with on her own and I discovered it. Second, she had some VERY steamy, very forward email conversations with people behind my back, including sending photos to people I didn't even know she was talking to like that. Yes, this was cheating, and no it wasn't O.K. But, there were some mitigating circumstances that were causing big stresses in the relationship, making swinging, in retrospect, a bad choice at the time, and she acted out inappropriately. We have since worked things out through counseling and a lot of devotion to one another.

However, if your situation parallels mine at all, part of the reason why I think you are experiencing this is that it is YOUR desire that everything be done with you around. SHE doesn't share your concern. This isn't a question of her love or loyalty. We are going to make the assumption that those points are a non-issue. But, because she doesn't see chatting, camming or POSSIBLY even meeting up behind your back, as a threat to your relationship, and because it is a "guilty little pleasure" for her, she can't get her head or heart around completely honoring your concerns.

Think of it, on a larger scale, as like being like a guy who likes to watch strippers or read playboy, or masturbate (I know, I know), who's wife doesn't like this and feels threatened by it. He doesn't understand or appreciate his wife's concern because he can't get his head or heart around why it's such a big deal. So he does it behind her back. Although he may be right in his conviction that she is wound too tight about nothing, to a degree, he is completely wrong because he doesn't appreciate or consider his wife's feelings.

In swinging, we reinvent fidelity parameters to suit our comfort levels, it's all about honesty and honoring each others feelings and desires (i.e., no, means no) even if we don't think it's a big deal. The trouble is that, when you have sex outside your marriage, it can change one or both partners perspectives. She's already had sex with the guy. It's a known fact that they have desire for one another. Now, they are in the gray area of, "if it's O.K. as a group, why isn't it O.K. with just us". She wants to be able to indulge her desires, but she is attempting to pay homage to your feelings, on an intellectual level.

What needs to happen is that her love for you and and consideration for your feelings, need to outweigh her desire for this guy and the naughtiness of illicit communication or contact. In her mind, it's not a threat to your relationship and she's only obeying the rules because you ask/tell her to, Not because she really wants to.

In a nut-shell, OUR relationship was never really threatened in the sense that none of what happened was going to take my wife away from me. BUT, it did show a tremendous lack of concern and empathy for my feelings and a willingness to play "what he doesn't know won't hurt him, because she desired something and didn't allow my feelings on the subject to stop her.

You need to address it from this point of view. And, you need to end this particular relationship because both she AND he are showing lack of consideration for your feelings. Also, stopping swinging for a while until yo figure out what you both want/need might be a good idea.

I do not have a black and white attitude towards this sort of thing. Good people, who love you whole-heartedly, can do some pretty selfish things (sometimes things they can never take back). Don't through the baby out with the bath water.

Best of luck!

[incommunicado]

O.K. for those reading my post, I just caught my grammar and spelling errors. I'm really not THAT illiterate. : )