Ethics of swinging with a cheater

[ventz hurgby]

Hi,
We are a not new to the lifestyle but thus is our first post to any site about open relationships. We initially started out looking for another couple to swing with but over the last 10 years have changed our approach to allow each of us to choose our own lovers as we found it very hard to find couples where everyone felt attracted to the other potential sex partner enough for it have any chance of becoming long term. We are inclined to choose lovers from our circle of friends which has worked fine in the past but my partner is attracted very strongly towards a close male friend of ours who is aware of our situation and knows my partner desires him as he does her. He has in the past expressed an interest in polyamory but currently is interested in having a sexual relationship with my partner without his partner's knowledge, knowing she would disapprove vehemently. My partner and I can both see that ethically she should not proceed, particularly as the other guy's partner is our friend as well. However that said it does seem that not all "swingers" have the same opininion. All I'm asking for is a range of opinions from as many people who would like to respond we are not here to judge.

Thanks

Ventz

[JKBertha]

I would say.....how dare she even think of it. Sorry to sound harsh, but I do not support cheating, or encouraging someone else to cheat.

People work hard on a marriage, and put thier heart and soul in it....that wife has her faith and life in her husband..... and your wife is tempted to hurt another woman deeply because she wants to have a thrill.

I doubt you'll get too much of a range of opinions. An open marriage may work for you, but that woman sure didn't sign up to have her husband crap on her with your wife. And swinging for most is about being a team, and having a win-win relationship with your spouse......not about cheating.

[hotsummers]

I guess you should not so much be asking for our opinion as you should be evaluating your own friendships. Assume the wife of your friend were to find out. Would his marriage be damaged? Perhaps to the point it could not be repaired? Would she feel betrayed by all three of you? Would you lose her friendship? Would she insist that her husband no longer be friends with you two as a condition of "saving" their marriage? Would he regret it? Would you both have regrets? And last but not least, is it worth it? If you answered yes to any of these questions yet you are still contemplating moving forward, then I would say go for it because they obviously don't mean that much to you as friends. :rollseyes

[Dr Jekyll]

From the group of swingers who frequent this board there will be a unanimous answer. It's cheating. I agree with them...

I doubt there are many swingers who would be OK with that, but I guess you can find them if you look really hard. It seems like it's something you're not comfortable with though, so I'd suggest you stay away from it...

[Denver2some]

I believe that most of the couples on the board will agree that anyone who is in an exclusive relationship with a non-swinger, wanting to swing solo, is off-limits.

Not only would it be extremely hurtful to the non-swinger (and in the case of friends, damage or end the friendship) ... it just invites deception and chaos into your bedroom. Neither is sexy.

[GeorgiaCouple]

I have to post here..... My husband and I have an open marriage..I am bi, we swing and if both is comfortable with the other person we are allowed to play with them one on one....BUT


Right now, as we speak I am kind of sort of in the shoes of the other wife. My husband is totally involved and turned on by another single woman...it started out as all 3 of us playing as she is bi-curious but has fast evolved to me being left out in the cold and the two of them playing alone. I have been excluded from the situation and even have had to go as far as archiving hubby's yahoo so I know what is being said as he doesnt talk to me about it anymore... its all turned to a big secret.

I am feeling stressed beyond belief, totally destroyed, and have lost faith and trust in my husband. We are trying to work on thing but its going to be a very slow process.... This will damage our marriage and im not sure how long it will take to repair it.

If even one person doesnt know about the situation, it is cheating. Please put yourself in her shoes...how would you feel if your wife saw a man without your knowledge??? Walk in her shoes and think really hard about how it would hurt you if you ever found out...be it tomorrow or 10 years down the road.... Plz dont hurt someone else even if there isnt much of a chance she would find out..any chance is to big of a chance to take on ruining someone else life and marriage..

[confunktion]

Agreed with all above. In the time that I have been on this board, I have seen quality posts from swingers with a high level of maturity. I'm not seeing a "go for it" answer coming from here anytime soon. You may find some swingers who would give you that answer...under a rock...but most likely not here. Walk away, just walk away from this situation.

[EvilMJ]

Dito

Not only would I feel awful for hurting the guy's wife...but I don't think I could feel any attraction towards a man that would do that to his own wife.

I would not feel very good about myself in the end if I went through with it....the others are right..swinging is not cheating..move on!!

[good times]

Dito to all above, and I would be surprised if you get a "range" of opinions on this topic because swingers are not cheaters, in fact, at least for myself, I have absolutely no respect or compassion for cheaters. If one of my friends wanted to cheat on his wife with my wife I would be reevaluating my friendship with him immediately.

[SexhoundDog]

Originally Posted by ventz hurgby

Hi,
but currently is interested in having a sexual relationship with my partner without his partner's knowledge, knowing she would disapprove vehemently. My partner and I can both see that ethically she should not proceed, particularly as the other guy's partner is our friend as well.

Holy cow, I can't believe you guys even consider this! I'm just glad you aren't my friends.

I can't say as I agree with playing with someone you are aware is knowingly cheating on their spouse, just because who needs the drama? If they aren't your friends, OK, I know it happens, but still isn't desirable.

But, doing this to your "friends"?

[Spoomonkey]

Well - I think we have our ranges set... Let's see...

Sexhounddog is far to the right with the religious sounding "holy cow" and Good Times is on the left with "I have absolutely no respect or compassion for cheaters"...

I think we fall somewhere in the middle with rest here - JK Bertha, Dr Jeykll, Mr Funk, GeorgiaCouple and the rest...

From one side of the spectrum to the other, your polyamory friend is suggesting cheating and hoping you guys will be in kahoots. Don't do it - it is cheating - and there are plenty of other fish in the sea...

Spoomonkey

[ventz hurgby]

Thanks to all who responded, I would like to point out though that we never said we were considering taking up his offer but thanks again for giving us something to show him on this site that will draw his attention to the importance of honesty

ventz

[SexhoundDog]

Ventz Hurgby,
After reading the eloquent Mr. Spoomonkey's reply where my opinion was considered the one to the far right, an apology is in order to you. I re-read your original post, and although your partner desires the other fellow, it does indeed appear your ethics have made you decide against it, which as everyone else also thinks, is very wise.

Yikes, a religious connotation, and use of the term far right! I could definitely stand a bit more religion, I suppose, and far right is somewhere you certainly won't find me. That's as close to politics as I'll get, I promise, Julie.

But Julie, could you perhaps get one of those smilies depicting somebody having their head up their ass? I think I need a tractor to help pull mine out after my initial reply!

[Alura]

We're glad to hear of your decision, Ventz!

Alura

[ventz hurgby]

SexhoundDog
Apology accepted - you needn't be so hard on yourself, we could have made ourselves clearer, we wanted honest replies as yours certainly was.
Cheers
Ventz