Cheating- justified??

[BonoboSim]

This is an interesting topic and I felt I needed to add my two cents. I can see the different sides to the argument and there are a lot of good pieces of advice here. This is a subject that I’ve turned over and over in my head since my teen years. While having never cheated on my ex-wife I have played the role of the “other man” both before and after.

Starting at the age of sixteen I began to become involved with attached/older women. I didn’t go out looking for these kinds of relationships, they just happened to me. I was a very wide-eyed and wild boy. These women always caught me off guard when they seduced me for the first time. “You want to have sex with ME!?!?” The first was ten years older than I and I really never saw it coming (pardon the pun!) What teenage boy seriously thinks an attractive, adult, married woman is really going to sleep with him! Fantasize yes, but a reality? The only trouble that ever happened was when my mother found out!

When I was nineteen I met my ex-wife and we were together for eleven years. We never strayed from each other that entire time. I was approached on a regular basis though by married women. I never really understood why. I thought perhaps they saw the ring and assumed I’d be a safe one to fool around with. At least that’s what I thought at the time. Of course these advances did cause problems both at work and in my marriage because I would actually tell her when it would happen. I didn’t want her to find out “so & so” was hitting on me from someone else and then really catch hell. Besides which we always talked about everything.

Since my divorce (over other matters) my life has been interesting to say the least. The number of married women that approach me has actually increased! The theory that they approached because I was married went out the window! I will admit I fell back into my old pattern and did have a very intimate/romantic affair with one woman for over three years. It was one of the sweetest yet most hurtful of any relationship I’ve ever had as I fell deeply in love with her. I will not try to break them up and have since slipped out of the relationship. She is the only one I’ve had a sexual/romantic relationship with but I have had close friendships with the many other women who have shown interest.

If it’s one thing I have learned, the majority of women that approach me are not looking for just sex, though they initially approach me for that, but something different. Many of them seem to just need someone to share with. Whether it be just bitching about the work day or just having a few laughs, and this seems to help them in some way so I make myself available. I’m not saying they’re all like that. There’re are those looking for just sex and while solely tempted and having “made out” with a few I don’t want to continue my past patterns.

Also, I do feel a bit guilty about the men being betrayed. Especially cold, I think, are the women who want me to make friends with Hubby so I can be “around the house” so to speak…

I’ve recently been getting involved in this “lifestyle” in very small steps. Not too long ago I met couples who are very active and they've been opening my eyes to the way things work and how open this type of community supposedly is. At least I thought they were different, now some of these women too want to throw out all the “rules of engagement” to slip off on occasion with me in secret. I’d thought these “lifestyle” couples had worked this out but I’m finding the same behavior as in “regular” couples.

The theory of open discussion about sexual needs doesn’t seem to be a viable one for many people and I think that’s sad. I’m very positive that if it were these situations wouldn’t keep popping up for me.

Hell, when I posted a personal add out of boredom one winter night (just looking to meet single women), the OVER WHELMING majority of responses where from married women!

There must be a sign on my forehead...

(Sorry for rambling, I guess I’m not really helping your answer you question…it just got me thinking…)

Good Luck,
Bonobo Sim

[ 03-11-2002: Message edited by: BonoboSim ]

If you are going to cheat (and it sounds like you are going to . . . a lot of guys do). Use a professional. You are paying for someone who is professionally discreet, and it's worth the money.

I am partial to massage parlors. If you are found out, you do have an out. They do *legitamate* massages at those places too (although I don't believe they do many).

For your money you also get a room (which makes it worth-it too) and the training in touch, and massage oil to boot. Sometimes they don't have sex, but they will ALWAYS jerk you off for a tip at a minimum. For me, it's about getting off anyway, not necessarily specifically by sex, so a handjob or a blowjob is just fine too.

Personally, I ask for a nude massage. I find it more pleasing to have a young naked woman groping me you know.

Oh, another perk is that there is usually a shower available if you ask.

All this talking . . . I am going to get a "massage" on my way home.

[TasteeKat]

The real question the cheater needs to ask him/herself is, Does cheating have any consequences to it or is it really worth it?
My opinion is that, if there is a problem within the relationship (discuss it).... seek help if needed. Taking someone other than your spouse (in the affair situation) into the bedroom can open doors to a whole bunch of problems.

1. if you'll cheat, you'll lie
2. the guilt you will have to indure
3. because you are out on you own, you open up doors for feeling to erupt
4. the pain your going to cause to your spouse
5. it is your spouses business who you are sleeping with because who you sleep with they sleep with too

If the need to cheat is there, then you cannot really love the person......so do the best thing leave them before you really hurt them.
I would rather have my feeling hurt than be giving something by someone that I did not consent to in the first place.

Hubby & I are in a situation, due to me having major surgery that we have been unable to have sex since December 2001. He is very supportive and is not only thinking of himself and out trying to find him a sexual partner to just satisfy him. He says he loves me and can wait for me to recover and then we can resume of lifestyle together.

REMEMBER: A couple that plays together (in whatever way you decide), stay together.

<smooches>

[HappyCampers]

Wow, I am impressed by the number of replies this thread has generated. Obviously this is an important and emotionally charged topic for many people. I can certainly sympathize with you, but I could never advise someone to cheat (at least not with a clear conscience).

It has already been said that you should COMMUNICATE with your wife and possibly see a medical professional. Have you done these things? If you have, you should post some of her responses. Everyone will give better advice if you are more specific.

• Is your wife opposed to having sex with you, or does she just "not feel like it right now?"
• Is your relationship open enough to discuss sex and sexuality in an honest way?
• How much sex do you think is "enough sex?"
• Do you or your wife have any particular spiritual or religious beliefs regarding sex?
• Has your wife always been this way, or has her sex drive decreased recently?
  

The most important thing is to understand is why your wife doesn't desire sex. These may be truly irreconciliable differences, or they may be mere potholes on the path of a wonderful and satisfying marriage. Let us know how you are doing.
During the times in my life that I was not getting enough sex, I found that sex came to dominate my life, that it was an important thing. Now that I get laid whenever I want, I find that sex occupies a rather unimportant role. My wife and I are swingers, but this is not the defining characteristic of our marriage. Please, talk to your wife. If you can't talk to her, then that is a more serious concern than any sexual idiosyncracy that can possibly exist.