Is it just me, or is my wife out of control?

[TXBLONDIE]

In my opinion, for what is it is worth, I think that your marriage may potentially be at an end. No trust, no communication and the lack of feelings about how you feel to me is not a marriage. I have been married three times before this marriage and have been down the roads you are describing. My last husband had been married for 17 years when I met him and I thought that I was different from the others. I could never trust him, no matter what he said or did because of the fact that when I met him he was married and cheated with me. The way that I felt " What made me so special that he wouldn't do the same to me"? Constant conflict and distrust even though he was being faithful. I don't think it's sexual addiction, I feel in my opinion it's either boredome or just lack of attraction or love and respect. If I ever want to hide something, no matter what it is, from my husband, then why be with him. Marriage is about communication and if she cannot communicate about her true feelings about sex, love, money, etc...then what is left? I am not a therapist, and my husband and I are by no means perfect but he is my best friend and I tell him everything....and I mean everything. If you had a male best friend wouldn't you tell him all? Spouses should feel the same way in my opinion. Not saying that just because one spouse feels one way that it should be, but atleast it's out in the open and very much open for discussion. Sorry dear but I feel your relationship may be headed in the wrong direction and swinging is definitely not an answer or solution to the problem, in fact it may be the final straw. Good luck!
Blondie and Mikie

[incommunicado]

This weekend brought some interesting information to light...

My wife knew it was me talking to her online all along. I thought I was catching her in more online shenanigans AND uncovering yet another unhappy truth she had been keeping from me.

My best friend, who I have mentioned in previous postings, had given us each "homework" months ago when I had discovered her erotic e-mails (which really wasn't the threat I thought it was). Mine (aparantly known to her), was to seduce my wife online. Hers (unbeknownst to me) was to come completely clean about everything she had done to damage the trust, or shake the confidence in our relationship. Well, I thought it was silly and never did it until now, so she never did hers.

When I started our dialogue last week, I admit, I was doing it at least in part to spy on her again, and when she was responsive to my advances, I thought she was still receptive to interent sex. So, I used it to get her motor revved (sp?) and to get information out of her.

She used it have some harmless, online fun, and to tell me the truth.

I asked her yesterday, why she would tell me those things, if she knew it was me. She said, "because my homework assignment was to be completely honest with you. Because things have improved so much between us for some time. We are paying more attention to one another, having more sex, being more affectionate. Turning toward each other when we have a problem, rather than away. We have even been talking about finally having children. But, the spector of what happened, and the lack of trust it created is still there. I owed you the truth, and I had to know if we could survive it and move beyond what happened, before we even considered creating a family.

She also said she was waiting for me to confront her and couldn't believe I hadn't said anything to her all weekend.

She talked about everything. About the affair I didn't know of, that happened at a time of weakness then things were bad. About the one I did know of, that happened when our bad time came to a head and she was planning on leaving me. Both were over a year and a half ago.

She talked about the e-mail sex with friends, which she maintains was harmless porn for her, but, in light of my feelings about potential weakness or discovery, she had stopped doing at my request and not returned to it.

She even mentioned every friend or acquaintance of ours who had ever come on too strong, put their hand on her ass, stolen a kiss or even asked her for sex.

I spent a pretty miserable and confused day, torn between my appreciation for the risk she had taken in opening up to me, and my desire to punish her for the affair I hadn't known about.

But she told me the truth out of love for me, and a desire to rebuild a trust that hasn't really been there for some time, regardles of how much the rest of our relationship has improved in the past year and a half. I have to give her credit for that.

By the way, she also made it clear she doesn't want an open relationship, doesn't want the freedom to have e-mail sex with friends or strangers, and doesn't want to swing (certainly not now). And she can't believe we did it originally during a time in which we were unders such stress and our relationship was at such risk. Though she doesn't blame swinging, she blames herself, it my have contributed to her behavior, given the stress we were under.

Anyway, I think that's it for this story. I expect it will take a while for wounds to heal, but her willingness to risk everything and come clean means a lot to me and I am willing to give us a chance.

[HotCoupleGnS]

That is so good to hear incommunicado! It sounds like you 2 are on your way to mending your marriage. It is nice to hear that she doesn't have some sort of sexual addiction & recognizes that swinging or any kind of sexual stuff like thta would only hurt you 2 at tyhe moment. Good luck with your marriage! I hope everything goes the way you would like!

[BradAndJanet]

Wow! I'm very pleased for you both. Now you have clean foundation to rebuild on. I'm getting a good vibe about this and think your relationship will be much stronger than it was before. Much luck!

-B

[BodyScape02]

WOW! This thread has come to a positive closure! I feel touched! Bravo!!!

[WA_Cple]

Incommunicado - Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It takes a certain courage to open and share and ask for advice. I learned a lot from reading the posts and I'm not sure if I could managed the same experience with such ... compassion and understanding as you have. You obviously have a lot of love and caring for your wife and I hope that the two of you will be able to resolve things and spend many more years together!

Mrs. WA

[RW1F]

Soap Opera writers would be envious of your story.

As long as you can trust your partner 100% everything else is just window dressing. If you only trust her 99% and know for sure that you'll never get that 1% back you might as well cut the ties now. As for talking about having kids, my advice would be to wait awhile. Sounds like your still a little rocky and kids certainly don't make things easier.

[b_and_sc]

I too think your wife is addicted...to sex AND the internet

I would not just confront her about iming with her...I'd get her in a chat and then finally send her a pic, and make it one that she is sure to understand is you and then tell her that you need to talk...maybe she will be more open and honest while typing, or maybe you can just talk when you get home

The last thing I would do is start swinging again, "just because you love her and might as well allow her to do it openly". Your wife has a problem, which means your marriage has a problem and that means that swinging is OUT until your relationship is back on track (without trust, you have nothing)

I wish you the very best

hugs
bon

[WesternSwing]

To quote the Bard: "This above all; to thine own self be true."

I am writing this without reading the other responses, so this is my opinion free of prejudice from what others have said, so forgive me if I repeat something already posted.

I see it as the problem here is honesty, respect, and trust. None of which you have with your wife. She does not respect your feelings and is not honest with you, and you can't trust her. Therefore there is no real loving relationship. IMO, if she really loves and respects you she would do nothing to intentionally hurt you. Which obviously she is doing. Her whole attitude is "I'm going to do what I want and you just have to deal with it."

I think you are wrong in your comment that many on here would leave the marriage before leaving swinging, and that swinging prevents them from cheating. I think you are interpreting what people say in a way to support your personal beliefs and feelings about swinging. If you are into swinging for those reasons, you are in it for the wrong reason and you are headed down the path of relationship destruction, if not already nearly at the end. It is a strong emotional bond, respect, and trust that you have with your spouse that prevents affairs and cheating and enables you to swing.

I think the basic premise in swinging is you do it, or don't do it, as a couple. And your SO is the most important person in your life and you hold them in regard above all others. From the people I have seen post on here I get the feeling that they love their partners so much that if their partner wanted to quit tomorrow, they would do it, with no regrets. I know I would. I don't need another pussy more than I need the emotional stability my wife brings into my life.

Swinging is about honestly, openness and playing as a couple (or at least knowingly separate). The idea is about taking your spouse along on your little adventures and making sure they are part of it. And she is not doing that. She is leaving you out, and lying to you about it. What she is doing is cheating. Period.

Sex should never be about filling a void in your being and it sounds to me like there is a void in her self esteem that she is trying to fill by having sex. Something about being attractive to so many other men makes her feel better about herself. I think she is addicted to the rush she gets from doing this, and she doesn't care if it hurts you in the process. She is being very selfish, or she really doesn't care that much for the relationship, and is to codependent to end it. I think her strongly encouraging you to see other women is a way for her to justify what she is doing so she feels better about it.

As for you... I repeat William Shakespeare. "This above all; to thine own self be true." I hate to tell anyone to bail out of a relationship unless it is destructive, which this seems to be to me. If her actions cause you pain and suffering, and she doesn't care enough about you, and doesn't respect you enough to stop doing something that is hurting you, then you need to get out of there and find a relationship in which you feel good. This is obviously hurting you so bad that you are obsessing about it and even taking the time to spy on her. This is self destructive behavior. I know, because I've been there. So no matter what you say about "living with it", you can't. That is just codependence talking. It will eat you up and drive you crazy.

Good luck,

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing]

P.S. After posting my response above, I read your "resolution" to the situation and maybe feel a bit sheepish. I really hope all this is true, and I wish the best for you both. I've been there, so I am a skeptic.

Good luck

Mr. WS