How to tell playmates and your partner you need a break?

[ga_cpl_frknit]

I don't even know where to begin about this. We've only been in the lifestyle a very short time (5 months) and I'm already burned out. I don't want to do it any more. I'm tired of searching for the "right couple" to no avail. I'm tired of swapping pics with a couple only to find out they are not the kind of couple I would be interested in. It was fun at first, and now it's more like a job and I'm getting NOTHING out of it. We've had a few experiences and I don't regret those in the least, but I would like to get back to the way life was before we decided to give the lifestyle a try.

So, how am I going to do that? How do you tell playmates and potential playmates that you need a break? Is is possible to step back? I'm not saying I want out forever, I just need some time away from it. And goodness knows I will still be here, reading the board. I just need time enough away from it to make it exciting again. Is it bad to be burned out already?


How am I going to go about telling Stacey? No, nevermind, he'll read this and he'll know. He already knows I'm becoming disinterested in the whole thing. He'll read this and we'll talk.

~Tracy~

[Elusive BiFem]

Nothing wrong with wanting to take a break, Tracey. I'm not that "active" in the lifestyle, but still, I've wanted and needed to take a break from even the thought of it on occasion. Just time to step back and shift the focus back on me, so to speak. The perpetual search for the right people does become more of a job than fun after a time.

Also, everyone needs to take short breaks from their very favorite and most important people every now and then...kids, pets, spouses...and those, by necessity, have to be short breaks. But sometimes we need longer breaks from hobbies, friends, family...then we can back go refreshed and renewed.

Stacey will likely understand and it may be he would enjoy the break, also...a time to focus on the two of you as a couple...and then later come back to the idea of swinging. I do hope you stay on the Board with us only because we all enjoy your visits and thoughts. The Board is about swinging, certainly, but it is also about much more than that - friends, shared ideas, community. There is a great deal of wisdom that is shared here and I think we all benefit from that in every aspect of our daily lives.

- EBF

[OhioCouple]

I SO totally understand this, Tracy. When we first started out, it seemed like an ENDLESS sea of meeting people for lunch or dinner from our ad site. After about 6 months or so, I just couldn't take it anymore. Not only were we meeting people we knew absolutely nothing about, 99% of them were people we wouldn't have for friends in the regular world, much less wanna have sex with them.

Be honest with Tracy. That is what I had to do with my husband. Honestly, he seemed a little hurt about it at first, but then he was fine with it. He saw that I wasn't really calling it quits, I just wanted to find better ways to meet people, become very selective and get to know them better, BEFORE we ever met them. I think the thrill of getting started can get away from you if you let it, leading to burnout. At least that is what happened with us. Also, we ended up making some poor choices the first year too. We have learned through our mistakes and have taken breaks. Up until a month or so ago, I sorta thought we were through with it forever. I truly had no desire to go back into it again.

As for letting your past and potential playmates know. Just be generalized with them and tell them that due to other issues, you are taking a break for the time being. If you are on an ad site....REMOVE all information in your ad and place a simple statement letting them know that you are taking a break right now. Good luck in their search...blah, blah. It won't hinder the idiots or mass mailers, but you can just delete those emails as obviously they didn't take the time to read your ad to know that you were on break anyway. From what I understand this is very common. Swinging isn't something like Hollywood likes to portray it. Those are actors...we are just regular folks with emotions and needs. And when you need time to reconnect, or regroup ya just have to take it. Swinging will always be there if you decide you'ld like to give it a whirl again.

Please do continue to hang out with us here and let us know how this transition phase works out for you. I'm sure that there are a lot of people that have been or maybe are in your shoes right now. Whatever you decide, we are here to support you. This board helped me through my phase...don't know what I would have done without it.

Now....dangit.... picture a huggie smilie right here.

[yawanna]

Mr Yawanna and I haven't burned out recently so much as retreated to a smaller circle of swingers. It's gotten SO bad up here with club wars and swinger cliques that it's just not safe to go out anymore!

I have a personal morality and integrity about swinging that has sometimes crossed over into my blasting other people in swinging for their bad behaviour. I know I know... bad form These are some of my beliefs:

Swinging is a constant.....your participation is not.

You get to choose who, what, where, when, how and why

You don't have to explain yourself or your decisions.

The most important relationship is with your primary partner, and this relationship is to be, at all times, treated with the utmost care and respect by themselves AND everyone they meet in swinging.

If you behave badly, someone should tell you and in some cases, warn others.

I am finding that only the last statement is being responded to in our encounters. I mean, people who've known me for years have insisted that my opinions mean nothing and for the sake of 'swinging' we should smile, say nothing, and socialize with everyone regardless.

Because we've lost our 'say' in who we meet and when and where, and the clubs are now so competitive and many are unsafe in terms of phsyical and legal protections, we are pretty much on a time out.

And ultimately I think it's all the theory of swinging not matching the reality that has always confused me. A person who tells me I don't have to explain myself or my decisions is the same person who will challenge me on why I won't attend an event with people I don't like.

Honest and open is another one.... I say 'no thank you' and we get grilled 12 ways of Sunday about 'why' or worse, I give a reason, for eg. 'they're married but not to each other...it's cheating and we don't want to be involved'.....we get ganged up on for not conforming.

Blech. We're biding our time until things improve.

But my POINT of all this (yes there is one lol) is how relieved and encouraged I was by finding this site!! Thank you Julie...you're a ray of light

[JustAskJulie]

We went through this a couple of times. The first just because we felt like it was taking over too much of our lives. And the second because we were trying to work out our own marriage issues and felt like swinging while our own relationship was rocky wasn't a good idea.

There are going to be some people who are going to be pushy regardless... this will be a test to let you know who the real friends are that you have made in the lifestyle. It's one thing for them to miss you and miss playing with you, it's another thing for them to push you into swinging to satisfy their own desires with no regard to yours.

Hopefully, you have made some real friends in the lifestyle and you can just be honest with them and say "ya know we really need a break from this swinging thing to concentrate on our own relationship" and they will be understanding.

Another thought is if it's the work involved that bothers you just stop working at it rather than stopping swinging altogether. It sounds like you have a few playmates already. Just enjoy playing with them when you can (without it being a huge hassle) and don't try to meet any new people. Sometimes it's when you don't try that you meet the greatest people.

[windsor4fun2]

I don't think I have talked to anyone who hasn't felt this way at one time or another. Once you feel this way you have no choice but to back away and recharge your batteries and rethink what you and Stacy want out of life.

As others have said just tell any swing partners that you need to take a break. You only need to be as detailed as you feel comfortable.

If you are like most, you will get back into swinging in some way, shape or form. We have back off twice so far and keep coming back. For along time we attended a club regularly and loved it. More for the social atmosphere than the playing. After a management change the club started to self destruct, some of us questioned what was happening and suddenly found ourselves being shit listed. We have found since, that we really missed the social aspects...it felt like a whole bunch of our best friends had moved away. So we have recently started to attend another local club.

Just talk to Stacy and take your time. You may not be able to get life back to what it was "before", hopefully you get get it to be better.
Good Luck.

Jesse

[ga_cpl_frknit]

Thank you and big hugs to all who responded and made me feel better about taking a break. Stacey and I have talked very briefly about it and I am looking forward to talking with him even more about it. He's known I needed to step back awhile, I guess he was just waiting for me to say it. And yes Mrs. O, Stacey seemed a little 'put out' about it (oh really? but yet he knew I needed to take the break, LOL) but he's not complained or tried to pressure me into staying. If he did, I'd have to :slam" him, LOL. Thanks for the advice on taking out our ad. I am going to do that, but I am going to save the wording so I can see whenever we decide to come back if it's still the same thing we're looking for. Also removing pics from the ad and our website.

Julie, I don't think it's so much the "work" involved in looking for other couples, (though that is a small part of it) I think we just got too much, too fast.


Jesse, Stacey and I also attend a club on a pretty regular basis (enough for the staff to know us on a first name basis, LOL) and we love it there too. We never played with anyone there except once with a guy who had "stage fright" but I don't count that because nothing really happened. We usually go for ourselves. We have been approached many times and our response is usually "No thank you, we are here for ourselves." Of course we get strange looks or the "well, what are you here for if you're not going to play" comments, but we ignore them. We enjoy the atmosphere and, the sex we have there (and when we get home) is incredibly intense.

Okay, so here's another question...since we have no problem telling people that we are there for ourselves, would it be such a bad thing to continue attending the club?

Thanks and hugs for all, I really appreciate your advice/encouragment.

~Tracy~

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by ga_cpl_frknit
Thanks for the advice on taking out our ad. I am going to do that, but I am going to save the wording so I can see whenever we decide to come back if it's still the same thing we're looking for. Also removing pics from the ad and our website.

I got this advice from others here on the board. Unfortunately I didn't save ours...(I thought the original was pretty witty...but then of course I'm biased ) Thing was, when we did decide to put our ad back up, so much had changed from the original. We learned to be more specific and while it is still a reflection of us, it is a reflection of a more 'mature' (for lack of better words) us. This time my husband even wrote part of it! He wanted to make sure that one specific message was conveyed and that was zero tolerance for a couple of things. I suppose he wanted to make sure that we don't have to go through the lapse period again, plus he was pretty miffed about what we had let ourselves get into. And now even he will just look at some of the mail we get and just say..."Can't these people read?" All in all our time out was a very good thing.

Also, since we have now met some people from this board, he has taken more of an interest in it. Thank goodness I've a kazillion postings! I can't remember if I ever said anything bad about him! LOL (Can't imagine that I would have though) So another line of communication opened as he thought the board was just a place where people talk sex and bitch all the time.

Okay, so here's another question...since we have no problem telling people that we are there for ourselves, would it be such a bad thing to continue attending the club?

Quick story... I promise. We have met several couples that attend clubs and then just either go to a room (on premise) or go home alone. They have no desire to have sex with other couples, they just love the sexually charged atmosphere. Going to a club doesn't mean that you are williing or seeking to play. Go! Have fun and enjoy each other! The nice thing is, you are doing it together and you both enjoy it. If you ever decide to return, you'll know when the time is right and it will be better than ever, because you'll be more knowledgeable.

[fun_pairTX]

Sooner or later we all do. There is nothing wrong with standing back and getting your breath. We don't have to do it that often as my schedule precludes us getting much playtime in the first place. This is on reason we go to ON premise clubs only. The people are pre-sorted.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
This is on reason we go to ON premise clubs only. The people are pre-sorted.

I'm curious...well no, I don't understand. What do you mean by pre-sorted?

[saranmark]

I'm curious too-- what is pre-sorted?

We haven't been to a club yet, and are considering going. We're going to be "sorted" somehow?

SARA

[fun_pairTX]

What we meant by presorted: There are two different kinds of clubs, at OFF premise clubs people leave to go have sex, no sex takes place at the club. Conversely, at ON premise clubs, sex takes place on the premises. Sometimes in the rooms upstairs, sometimes in the bar, sometimes on the dance floor LOL. At off premise clubs we find that there are a lot of people there who are there for the atmosphere who have no intention of playing with another couple, there are a lot there who are there due to curiosity etc. There are a lot of wannabees and people who think it is fun to pretend to be swingers in off premise clubs. In ON premise clubs it is much more expensive to get in therefore it pretty well eliminates the curious. It is usually pretty early when the clothes come off and the pretenders head for the door pretty quick after this happens. This is what I meant by presorted. Hence I use the expression "Everybody knows who the swingers are when the drawers hit the floor". There is no sorting process, the people sort themselves.

[windsor4fun2]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
It is usually pretty early when the clothes come off and the pretenders head for the door pretty quick after this happens. This is what I meant by presorted. Hence I use the expression "Everybody knows who the swingers are when the drawers hit the floor". There is no sorting process, the people sort themselves.

Ah, ok now I understand.

Jesse

[thekolonel]

The best way to avoid burnout is to take a couple months off when things start to feel like work. Resist the pressure to maintain the lifestyle simply because everyone else is doing it.