Burn out?

Hi. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years. I'm 33 and my husband is 39. I'm bisexual and have dated women since I was 20. Since the beginning of our relationship, we have had a lot of sex with other women (together) and my husband and I both have enjoyed this immensely.

We've had the agreement that I could be with other women alone, or with him, and he would NOT be with other women without me, or at least without the two of us having been with the other woman together first. I do admit that I have the advantage here, but on the other hand, I have no interest in being with other men sexually, so I have thought it fair, myself, considering I would allow him to be with other men if he had the interest.

Our problem has been that I have not been able to tolerate my husband being with other women without me, and he would like to do this, but goes along with it because he knows it would hurt me. Unfortunately, he was unfaithful a few months ago while he was out of town, and we are trying to work through it now.

My husband is sincerely regretful and apologetic for what he did, and I am doing my best to forgive him and move on with our relationship.

This is just some background, but our problem now seems to be that he feels no interest in having sex with me alone now, and is only turned on by the thought of having sex with me and another woman together, or some other woman, without me. I am trying not to take this personally, and my husband is being honest with me about his feelings, and I respect that. He is wanting to try to figure out a way to be with me sexually without automatically turning to fantasies of other women, and be able to just enjoy being with me. He feels like he is so burnt out on sex being a thing with other women that he is not able to enjoy 'regular' sex.

His approach so far has been to not have sex with me at all...sort of cleaning the slate, so to speak...in hopes that if we take a break from any sex at all, he will be able to approach sex with me from a fresh perspective.

I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced this, or if anyone had any advice for us to get back to being able to just enjoy each other alone?

Thanks!

[Roxysbayou]

Wow. Sounds like you could really use some marriage counseling. If you had established rules and he went against those behind your back, I can understand why you would be upset. But not desiring you at all now is what really bothers me. Sounds like your problems run a little deeper than what is being said between you. Try to open up that necassary line of communication and don't be afraid to seek outside help. It could really pay off.

[coolwetbreeze]

I'm no expert but I have read, read, read, that by not having sex for a while with your partner is a good way to reestablish your feelings. You know you aren't going to have sex there fore you spend time communicating, touching, and maybe even some of that great making out that you used to do in high school...All with out the hassle of sex....Give it a chance and if it looks like it isn't working then yes you may need to get professional help.
As far as your husband wanting to play with other women with out you...I don't agree. You are Bi....He has reaped the rewards because of it. He should be content with what he has.He should not be able to play with other women alone just because you do.I do agree with ythough that he should be alowed to play with other men alone if he wants

[Uneed_Love]

Originally posted by coolwetbreeze
He should not be able to play with other women alone just because you do.

hmmmmmmm this kind of assessement is a bit particular for the male I am... it's just like if I should say : "Hey let's toss a coin : Heads I win, Tails You lose...".

Just my 2 cents and of course all bi females will agree to desagree with me on this.

JC who loves bi-females though

[WildFlower]

I feel for you. I know I would really be upset if this had happened to me. One of the great things about this lifestyle is in my opinion there really is no need to cheat because our sex life is always spiced up by bringing other people we trust into it. I can't see the reason your husband would go behind your back and have sex with another woman when you both agreed not to do that. He is showing a total lack of respect for your feelings. I agree counseling would be a good idea to help sort everything.
I hope everything works out. And that you can build a stronger more solid relationship.....

[ciscosv]

First of all, I find it hard to believe your relationship with your husband has made it this far.

This type of arrangement would never last without him being jealous and resenting you. Where is the fairness for him? Sure it's cool at first knowing that you are bi. Having threesomes? What straight man would turn that down? On the other hand you get to play alone. There's the toss up where a decision is made. (In my head "I get to have threesomes....but she has to have some play alone time....hmmmmm) the choice is pretty easy. But then telling him he can play with other dudes alone. I highly doubt that he is bi himself sop where is his payoff? Again where is the fairness for him? It's like you getting your cake and eating it too while he's left in the dark. I think that you should cease your bi activity and seek counseling if you want to save your marriage. I think some choices need to made here. This is a very familiar situation for me. Not with my wife tho

[M&B]

When I read a post such as yours, my blood starts to boil. I won't flame you for your post or your situation, though.

If this story is true and if I were the guy living it, I simply would wish you a good life.

It was certainly generous of you to "allow" him to be with other men. I will give you that... like hell.

It's a damn nice thing of you to allow him to grovel at your feet and ask for forgiveness. I would not endorse cheating. But, then again, he is having to straighten his own self out so that he can feel good agan about making love to only you?

Well, it sounds like the perfect match. You married a vegetable. And you are just fertilizer.

oops... went too far. Good luck, though.

[alabamafuntonig]

I’m not sure I give you the advice you seek but once again I will share my limited wisdom. Cheating is cheating is cheating. Hey if you can be with women without hubby (I'm bisexual and have dated women since I was 20. Since the beginning of our relationship,) why not him. You both like women for sex and frankly he’s not doing anything you would not do. Did he undermine your marriage, sure he did. Did you open the door? Well not only opened it, you opened all the windows too. If you want a monogamous relationship don’t swing. If you want to swing together. If you want sex with another women let him have sex with other women. If you don’t want that I guess you need to have some marriage counseling and a lot of personal time to sort this threw.

[jrgwife]

I don't think it should have ever been ok for you to play alone. If you are playing with other women together because you are bi and he likes it too then great... It's a couple thing, but for you to play alone is just a you thing and that can destroy relationships!!

Good luck to you... You're gonna need it
RG

[Flori_DAMAN]

Its ok to play alone as long as you arent with anyone..<EG>

[Alura]

I, too, think a more even-handed agreement would be better. If you can play with other women without him, he should be able to play with other women without you. As far as your allowing him to be with other men, that's like telling someone who hates liver he can have all the liver and onions he wants. In return you get chocolate sundaes.

The truth is, I believe neither should play separately but have to submit that some couples do this successfully. The way y'all have set the situation up seems extremely one-sided to me.

I think if you go for marriage counseling, you will be told to stop outside playing altogether. And maybe you should until y'all can work out a more equitable situation.

Mr. Alura

[OhioCouple]

I have to agree with those who said that if you can play alone, your hubby should be allowed to also. I don't see where it makes any differnce as an FF or MF. It is still sex without your partner present and gender should play no part in it.

Relationships are all about give and take. I really don't think it is fair that you can have your cake and eat it too, but yet he is restricted.

Your best bet, IMO, is that you should either concede or agree to only play together, period. To keep him restricted to something that he desires, when you are doing it, just might lead him to find someone who will allow him to. Eight years together is a long time to just throw away.

Best wishes.

[LadyCleo]

While I agree that it is very unfair that you get to play alone and he doesn't, and you probably should be more even-handed, he should have NEVER EVER EVER slept with someone outside of your agreement. EVER. I would be PISSED!
If he felt that he needed to get it on with someone else, he should have talked with you, so you two could renegotiate your agreement. He totally was only thinking of himself and put your relationship in jeopardy!
It burns me that the above posts seem to be blaming YOU for your husband's infidelity. YOU are not to blame! He is. Totally. He should not have agreed to allow you to play without him if it was a problem.
He can't just go do whatever because he's unhappy with the terms that you two agreed upon. He should have been man enough to come to you and tell you that he was unhappy.

That being said, *I* think that you two should stop playing with anyone for a while until you have fully exhausted all forms of communication between the two of you. You both need to work this out. If you can't come to an agreement, maybe you need to stop playing altogether or separate.

Swinging is supposed to be about pleasuring the two of you. It is supposed to be between two adults that fully communicated their needs, wants and desires with their partner. It's something that needs boundaries and those boundaries are only movable when the two of you agree to move them. But, YOU need to be thinking about his needs not just your own.

Good luck to you both!
LC

[Alura]

Originally posted by Unregistered
We've had the agreement that I could be with other women alone, or with him, and he would NOT be with other women without me, or at least without the two of us having been with the other woman together first. I do admit that I have the advantage here, but on the other hand, I have no interest in being with other men sexually, so I have thought it fair, myself, considering I would allow him to be with other men if he had the interest.

I think you are right, LadyCleo, but this does not sound like an agreement to me. It sounds like badgering that the husband gave in to. Unregistered even says in another line (sorry I didn't get it into the quote) that her husband would like to be with other women, too. Unregistered has, in my opinion, a strange view of "fair." Perhaps her husband could give her permission to be with other men since she, like he, has no desire to do so. I make a New Year's Resolution every year to give up anchovies and never have a problem keeping it.

I agree also that they should quit playing altogether until this is worked out. Really worked out.

Mr. Alura

[Yummi]

WOW. What a mess.

1st - yeah, your agreement definitely gave you the advantage.

2nd - he shouldn't have agreed to it if he couldn't hold up his end of the bargain.

This is a tough one! It seems a shame to throw away 8 years because of this. You are probably both going to have hurt feelings for a long time. If you two are really truly in love I think you can get past it. I also would suggest counseling & no sex with anyone besides each other. As for your sex life with each other now, I think you'll just have to be taking time off for a while. Time might help in that department.

If it helps at all - I might have taken advantage of my husband's offer to be with another woman without him, too - only because it is hard to find a single woman to agree to be with a couple, & I have wanted to be with a woman for so long. But - not after I read your post. I really hope you guys can work this out & wish you the best.