No longer want to swing with couples, but how to stop without offending playmates

[Holdurhorses]

Posting anon for obvious reasons...

We initially got into the lifestyle to add another girl to our fun, or to allow the Mrs to work out her serious bi-ness in a open manner. To quote the Mrs, "Most men are creeps" so we did not plan on adding an M, going into it. We joined Swing Lifestyle, and started clubbing, then we met a really cool couple one night and a little later after talking about it, we ended up soft swinging. We enjoyed ourselves enough that we kept the option open from then forward. Now, nearly a year later and wiser, I (the male half) proposed we stop, and after talking about it we have agreed that it is just not our deal.

Without going into too many details and making those who know us realize who we are, we have just decided that the whole couples thing seems a little forced and contrived to us. When it all comes down to it, a couple we were with left me feeling as if I was the unneeded accessory to her, and we realized that we may have left another guy feeling the same way. This is not cool, and we feel that not being full swap is part of the reason it is so off for us.

She enjoys the FF aspect, I enjoy watching and participating in the FF aspect (well, I am male and that is a given) but she has not been interested enough in the male halves to be that involved with them, and I am not involved as much as a result. I will not push her to do anything with anyone, so we always seem to end up feeling like we are leaving people out there.

Not smacking anyone who does it, that is just the conclusion we have reached based on our nature, nurture and experience. We will still be pursuing a third, or a girl for her to play with occasionally but not going to work with the inevitable couples drama anymore.

So here is the problem we need to resolve. How do we stop and not offend anyone, we have made three sets of good friends in the Lifestyle and we think that they will all still be friends, and if not, we were wrong about them, and could care less. But in the meantime we have to deal with the fact that the newest friends of ours are young in the swinger crowd, and we do not want them thinking it was them that led us to stop. We will be changing our Swing Lifestyle account soon, but want to deal with individuals we have already met and such first.

Would you contact people individually first that you had been involved with and let them know that you are stopping, and if so how would you go about it? It is not anyones "fault" and no one is the "problem" we just are not willing to go there anymore.

Hell, any advice would be welcome. Has someone you knew in the past left swinging as a couple and let you know in a way that left you feeling cool with it?

[prettylady]

Be as honest and sincere as you were just now. I don't see anything wrong with what you just said. I would most definatly tell the couples you are involved with. Exspecially if they are close couples to you.
your friend,
Prettylady

[LikeMinds321]

I would first suggest updating your Swing Lifestyle profile to reflect your new direction. If you had previously mentioned you were seeking bi-females, and possisbly couples with bi-fems, eliminate mentioning couples all together.

You should not feel bad about your decision. Realizing what works best for you and your wife came about after giving 4-sums with couples a try and you've learned there isn't the balance and satisfaction there. If 3-sums with bi-fems is where you've found your most enjoyment, that's what you should seek.

The next time one of these couples asks to meet for a play date, that is when I would inform them of your decision. However, if you regularly chat with them, then you will probably want to mention it before an invite to play and let them know about your decision. Since you are still interested in seeing them socially you can let them know this as well.

Let us know how it goes.

LM

[good times]

I agree with the others above and would add that if you were to tell us this it wouldn't effect us in the least. Fact is, from your interactions so far it is probably already apparent to them that you are having these issues with couples play, we have always been able to pick up on the fact that it isn't working for a couple we are with pretty quick.

[Spoomonkey]

If it were us, we'd ask our closer friends to go out with us for dinner - and we'd be clear that it is a "horizontal date". Then, we'd just be honest. This decision is about you - not about them. It is nothing personal against them, it is just the best thing for you.

If they are friends, they'll understand.

Will they be as motivated to see you? Well that depends on how challenging it is to get together. But it shouldn't affect a good friendship.

Spoomonkey

[curiousagain]

I have had couple that did the same thing just tell me. I didn't take it personal. We're still friends, they just play with single females or bi female from another couple. I didn't take it personal. Just be honest and talk to them as a friend. They should be ok with it if they are friends.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by prettylady

Be as honest and sincere as you were just now. I don't see anything wrong with what you just said. I would most definatly tell the couples you are involved with. Exspecially if they are close couples to you.
your friend,
Prettylady

Dito

We wouldn't have any problem if we were one of those couples, and even more, if we were pursuing a friendship with you two besides sex, we'd be appreciating your honesty.

Now, for me, this is something SO natural, this is SO MUCH part of this game and experience, that I wonder why it isn't for you as to having to ask for advice.

And this isn't about deeming your question as a "bad one", but about what lead you two to this very point. I can understand why you're feeling that "because of your nature" you feel you're leaving aside someone, or that you feel leave aside.

This is as much about expectations as about the outcome. You're asking this question because you expect those other couples to feel they were misslead, because you suppose those other couples expected you to take this like a duty. And then, it's obvious that you'll feel it odd if someone doesn't have the same participation in the game as the rest of you, this one may feel the others not taking their supposedly duties.

So, back to the question, I'd be honest with those couples, but bear in mind they will have the right to be honest with you. They may not complain about your current choice, but they may complain about the lack of credit you granted to them. Because in this world, pies aren't allways the same size, and anyway we can enjoy sharing the cake... and you're the ones who doesn't get it, or who cannot bear with this inequality.

This isn't about "your nature", it is about your expectations (which is fine), but you may find out other people have less demmanding expectations than yours.

[iapr]

There are a lot of couples that are only into F/F play and not full or even soft swap so it's not like this is anything earthshattering or unusual or anything. I agree with the others to change your profile to reflect that and just leave it at that and see where things go. If any of these couples contacts you asking for a "date" you can politely tell them that after much soul-searching and discussion that you have decided what your preference is and that it is F/F only. They may be ok with that as well or they may just move on without any fanfare. If things were as awkward as you described they will probably not be suprised at all and won't have an issue with it.

[clutch]

I think the most important thing, here, is that you as a couple have made up your mind. When a couple is together on just about anything, it's powerful both in a pragmatic and cosmic way.

We've taken hiatuses from swinging over the years several times for various reasons. We've never had any serious issues from it--maybe a few tears of loss shed, but nothing earth shattering. It's okay. Every swingers article ever written gives you full permission to stay in your comfort zone. Period.

So it sounds more like the question is, "How do you inform the other couples?"

First,you tighten your belt a notch or two. Check yourself in the mirror. And then address the couple(s) and say, "Rosie and I are taking a break." (I hope to heaven your wife's name isn't Rosie, because I really did just make that up.) We want to stay friends, but it's something that when you know it's time for a break, you know it's time for a break."

I'd leave it at that with no apology. If someone has trouble with that, then the trouble is all with them and none of your own.

Luck my friend.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by clutch

I...and say, "Rosie and I are taking a break. We want to stay friends, but it's something that when you know it's time for a break, you know it's time for a break."

Well, this would be a deceiving approach. The OP and his wife aren't "taking a break", they're just sopping and for good. By telling people you're taking a break, you're allowing them to believe it's a matter of time, and they will have a chace for a sexual enconter at some point in the future, while by telling them you're stopping you're making it clear that such a chance doesn't exist.

Should they want to know who of those couples are honestly interested in a friendship WITHOUT sex, by missleading them into believe there's a chance to have sex wouldn't let them know if they're still interested WITHOUT the sex.

[Holdurhorses]

I want to thank all of you for your advice, really it is all along with what we had thought, but were not sure about.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Holdurhorses

Would you contact people individually first that you had been involved with and let them know that you are stopping, and if so how would you go about it?

We've stopped before for other reasons (medical leave of absence, personal difficulties that needed our undivided attention, etc). When we stop, the only people we contact individually are those we have an ongoing or regular communication with in the lifestyle - we think of these people more as friends. We don't necessarily tell everyone we may have been involved with, just a few. We just tell them the truth, exactly what's going on with us.

If we were to change direction in the kind of swinging we do, which would eliminate them from the people we will be playing with, we'd just be as honest as you were here about the reason why. You sound so very sincere. If they are your friends, they will continue to be. Like you said: "we have made three sets of good friends in the Lifestyle and we think that they will all still be friends, and if not, we were wrong about them, and could care less." You just be yourselves, tell them the truth, and if they're your friends they will understand. If you want to remain friends, and stay in touch or even continue a social life with these couples, you can let them know that, too.