Tired of Swinging

[MinxyAgain]

Ok, I was married for 18 years, divorced at age 36, have had 50+ partners over the last 10 years (made up for lost time). I met this wonderful man 3 years ago and feel like I am finally with the one I want. We have had enough ups and downs to know we are a great match, especially sexually. We entered into the swinging scene within a few months of meeting. I had never been with more than one guy at a time and so this was very exciting. We have had several encounters MFM, FFM, MMFM, etc., a year and recently joined a houseparty group where we have met more new people and have become really good friends with a couple of people. Ok, here is the dilemma. I don't feel like swinging anymore. I feel like I am always in Performance Mode and I don't like that feeling, for awhile it was fun, but now, I am just tired of it. He has only had a few encounters with women 4 to be exact, mostly because it has always been about me. He loves to "watch" a huge voyeur! Anyway, he still wants to continue and I don't want to disappoint him, but I really only want to play with him anymore! How can I get that through to him?

[ohash01]

Just be honest. Tell him. He loves you, I'm sure he'll respect your wishes. I know it's going to feel like the hardest thing you could possible do, but it won't be that bad. And tell him how WONDERFUL it is for you to play with him! I'm sure he'll enjoy that.

[carlos_pchot]

Hello there, just have to agree with Ohash here

Just be honest

there's no better way to handle that, if you don't like it, just quit it, I'm sure he'll undestand, there are tons of way to keep enjoying yourselves, even soft sw involved if you want to do it from time to time, but don't keep at it if you definitely have taken your decision.
Take care

[Winston&Julia]

We haven't even started yet however my husband told me today that if it never happens he is fine with that to. I love him so much I couldn't have any better. I agree be honest communcation is the key.

[Gladiola4u]

I think one of the things that has been said in this forum about swingers is that we are open and honest in our relationships. Well, it's the spot light on you about this and it's better to be honest. This is not a lifestyle that anybody should get into or keep getting involved just to make your spouse happy, it has to be equally fun and keep both happy.
Be honest, tell him exactly how you feel and the reasons you feel this way. Don't do anything if you feel you are being forced or just to keep him happy because the more you do it without wanting to do it the more you will get to dislike it and it could eventually hurt you emotionally.
Good luck!

[cataryna]

Maybe instead of telling him you want to stop entirely just tell him you want to take a short break. Usually short breaks help when you're feeling overwhelmed by it all. You should not be made to feel like you have to participate to keep your partner happy. Swinging as a couple isn't about one person, it's about two enjoying it together. If you continue doing it because you don't want to disappoint him or let him down, you'll end up resenting him. I hope that he understands and respects your wishes...if he doesn't and continues to push, I'd have to reconsider the entire relationship.

[transplantdbrit]

I am going to have to agree with Cataryna on this one. Talk to him about taking a break from it all. If you find that you really don't want to play with anyone else, then talk to him about this. At least the break will give you clarity and you will be able to be certain that the lifestyle is no longer for you. Sometimes we get into a rut (pardon the pun) and it is no longer fun and somewhat tedious. Taking a step back to re-evaluate a situation is always good. Who knows, it may honestly be that you just need the rest. Try other things to spice the sex up for a while. Hmmm, like maybe making your own film. Either way, talk it out because if he really loves you, he will want you to be happy.

[sexcupid]

i agree with the previous posters who said to take a break for a while. that way you get a break from being in 'performance mode'. we've only had a few experiences, but it still gets a bit much with meet n greets, actually playing, or going to the club every weekend.

if you take the break and you miss the occasional playtime, then go for it again. if you don't miss it, hopefully he can come to terms with that. from what i can gather so far...it's far easier to find single men and couples to meet up with than it is to find single females to play with (even if it's a female only for him and not the 2 of you as a couple).

good luck,
maria

[DBL D]

I don't know what performance mode is unless it's what is going on all the time. We just try to be ourselves and be relaxed. Get rid of the stress without losing the excitement. Sometimes the schedule seems to be lopsided towards swinging...take a break...or...be with friends you don't have to "perform" for.

About that schedule...it is what you make of it. If you want a bunch of friends, then you need to be able to make time for them. Catch 22?

Male D

[WesternSwing]

I think I'd say "I would like to take a break for awhile. It doesn't mean forever, but right now I just want to be with you." Who could turn that down? You're not telling him that it will never happen again, you're just saying that right now you just want to be with him only. He'll respect that.

Mr. WS

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by MinxyAgain

Anyway, he still wants to continue and I don't want to disappoint him, but I really only want to play with him anymore! How can I get that through to him?

Hi Minxy,

My advice is to not say it's a "break", but also not say "never again", either. I would start by being very honest and tell him all of the reasons that you want to stop. It sounds like you've already had at least one conversation with him about stopping, because you said he wants to continue.

Listen to his reasons. Why does he want to continue? Make sure he's listening to all your reasons for wanting to stop. Just do a lot of very open communicating and listening.

Why I say don't call it a "short break" as was suggested by others: That might seem like a big tease, when in reality it could very well be a very long break, or it may even be forever that you don't swing again. You know in your heart that you don't really mean "short break", so why call it what it's not?

Why I say don't say "let's call it quits for good" - because you might just change your mind eventually, someday - or because you might eventually decide to just start up again by modifying the way you swing a great deal. A lot of swingers play only with a very few close friends, occasionally. A lot of others just play on a big blow-out weekend or vacation 1-2 times a year, for example. It's all they need and it's enough to satisfy that itch for them. You just never know if down the road, you might both feel that something like this sounds like just your speed.

I would move forward from here according to the way you feel. You know right now that you want to stop. Explain to him that until further notice, you just simply don't want to swing, and you know yourself well enough to know this. If he prods now for an answer regarding when you might decide to start back up, be honest and say you just don't know if or when, if ever. (If that's the truth.) I'm not saying to slam the door shut on discussions or alternatives, just saying that you don't have to commit to a definite black or white, absolutely-yes or absolutely-no answer right now.

Good luck. I hope you write and let us know how it goes and how this all turns out for you.