Thinking of Giving Up ... My Side Anyway

[txduo2000]

I enjoy swinging ... I really do.

Except, I am finding out that I don't really like having sex with other men.

Let me explain:

My husband is THE bomb ... in every way. He knows what I like, he is well-endowed, he is long-lasting ... he is everything I have never had in another partner, though I was married for almost 10 years prior to meeting him, and have had other partners as well. He is, to put it plainly, exquisite as a sexual partner.

I don't even have a problem sharing his sexual prowess with others. I am just more and more disappointed in the men that I have been with. I understand that my husband and I share love and an emotional connection that could never be met by any other, and it is not that which I am looking for. I am disheartened to have to say that the men that I have been with have been .... well .... less than talented and less than endowed. I find myself wanting to watch my husband with the wife of the other couple, and willing the husband that I am with to just "get it over with already".

When we go to house parties or clubs, I often wonder if my husband misses it when we don't get the chance to swap. Of course I have asked, and of course, he says he doesn't miss a thing. I can do nothing but take him at face value, but honestly, I do not miss not swapping at all. I enjoy the parties and the clubs. I enjoy the tittilation, the excitement, the arousal factor. But if my husband and I end up with just each other at the end of the night, I feel like I am the luckiest of all.

Truly, it's not a jealousy thing at all. It's a disappointment thing. I enjoy watching my husband with others. I enjoy watching him flirt, kiss, have sex with others. I am just getting bored having sex with the husbands.

Let me say that I do enjoy sex with our single male play partner, but because he is the only one who has even come close to really satisfying me in the way my husband does (without the emotional aspects, of course), I tend to "talk him up" too much, and talk to him too much. Believe me, there is nothing but friendship feelings there, but I do feel that my husband is feeling a little threatened (needlessly) by the talking that I do about this guy. So we are pulling back from him for awhile for my husband's peace of mind, though truly there is nothing there except friendship and the occasional sex tryst with him for me.

Other than that, it has come to my mind to think that maybe some of these couples that we happen across are in it because the wife is just not getting anything good from her husband ... my thought, because I am not getting anything good from her husband LOL. We are friends with a couple. We have played with them on a couple of occasions. Each time, the husband leaves me quite disappointed. He has a small penis, has difficulty maintaining an erection, and I have noticed that his wife's favorite thing is searching for well-endowed single males ... I think I know why ... lol. So, it seems to me that so many of these women of these couples that we meet ARE in fact looking for something that their husbands cannot give them. Which is definitely NOT the case for me.

I feel lucky every single day that I have the husband that I have. I have tested his love for me in so many ways and have risked our relationship in so many ways. He is one of a kind, I can tell you all. And I love him with all my heart and soul. I have finally realized what I have in this man, and my heart just overflows every day with the thought of it all. And the fact that he possesses the sexual skills and outstanding equipment that he does, is simply an extra bonus.

I've had several people tell me I am spoiled by my husband and I expect too much from other men. Maybe that's so. But when you have the best, what else measures up? It brings me to wonder why we are in this anyway?

If we could do the single female thing, though I am not bisexual, it would be great for me to shower my husband with attention along with another female. As I said, jealousy is not an issue at all. It just seems that single females are few and far between, and those who are not adamant that I be bi are even fewer.

This whole issue brings to mind Mr. Uomos' thread of late ... where he said his wife likes to watch but not participate. I am finding myself to be one of those wives. Maybe, just maybe, if we could come across a couple where the man had an animalistic libido that was satisfactory to me, I would change my mind, but we have just not happened across that as of yet.

Am I selfish for feeling this way? Am I too spoiled by my husband as others have stated?

I trust you guys and would really value your input.

[Walrus60]

Have you ever thought of switching from swing lifestyle to a polyamours lifestyle..I/we like it better, sex is not everything..We like the heart connection we get from poly. We are in a triad male female male relationship, we are all friends and enjoy eachother. We all have done the swing thing and after awhile, we to felt like you do Tx. It's works for us

[Sweet_Candy]

Well TX, we were pleasantly surprised to read you weren't a married lesbian. What you described at first sounded just like numerous couples we've met in the lifestyle where the woman only wants her man to have sex with her whiles she plays with the girls. So it was a shocker to discover you do like men and not women! Lets see if we understand this correctly. You want to have soft swap with the men and allow your husband to hard swap with the woman of another couple? Seem to recall this topic being discussed here recently and the consensus was that your chances of success would decrease dramatically. Poly seems to be out as well since your hubby thinks your getting to friendly with the single male you play with now. You asked some great questions about why you are still in the lifestyle when you have everything you want at home. We believe you answered your own question and now need to present this to your husband since you are a team in this. Which one of you is the driving force in keeping you in the lifestyle? If you then this should be easy, however if it's he then your choice will be somewhat harder to tackle. Good luck!

[txduo2000]

Originally Posted by Walrus60

Have you ever thought of switching from swing lifestyle to a polyamours lifestyle..I/we like it better, sex is not everything..We like the heart connection we get from poly. We are in a triad male female male relationship, we are all friends and enjoy eachother. We all have done the swing thing and after awhile, we to felt like you do Tx. It's works for us

No, I don't believe Poly would be fitting for me or for hubby. We reserve our true love and deeper heart affections for each other and neither of us would have it any other way.

Mine is just primarily an issue of being BORED to tears with most of the men I have been with. Honestly, and I do not mean to sound conceited here, the men just seem to be so thrilled to be with me that it's like the focus is on their pleasure from being with me and they kind of treat me as a "conquest" of some sort ... believe me, I don't think I am THAT great, but this is the feeling I am getting. None of them have truly focused on being a great lover TO me. At least this is my impression. Which is why I am thinking most of the time, "just finish!" LOL

And to the Candys ... no, I am not a lesbian ... LOL ... not even remotely bisexual. Neither one of us is really the "driving force" behind our being in the lifestyle. We both enjoy the atmosphere, the people we meet, cruising the websites, being on this board, talking about swinging. attending swinger events. I have just discovered that I am not all that thrilled to be with most of the men I have been with. LOL If either of us wanted to fully quit, the other would be in full support of that. But neither of us really want to fully quit. I am just sick of getting "bad lays" .... LOL

[Alura]

Unless y'all have done some very poor partner-choosing, Txduo, it's unlikely the problem is solely with the men you play with. I'm just a hick Okie, but my guess is that swinging husbands are better in skill, if not in size, to their vanilla counterparts.

I have no idea, of course, what is causing your problem but I wonder if you are unwittingly sending out negative vibes to your playmates. Since your husband is so large and so skilled, is it possible that you are sending out a tacit message, "Here I am stud; show me what ya' got!"

A man can definitely sense such an attitude. When I've felt such vibes, my desire has been to "get it over with" as soon as possible. I'm sure the women involved thought I was less skilled than they hoped. I was... at the time.

Here's hoping you find the solution to your dilemma and enjoy the lifestyle.

Mr. Alura

[txduo2000]

Originally Posted by Alura

Unless y'all have done some very poor partner-choosing, Txduo, it's unlikely the problem is solely with the men you play with. I'm just a hick Okie, but my guess is that swinging husbands are better in skill, if not in size, to their vanilla counterparts.

I have no idea, of course, what is causing your problem but I wonder if you are unwittingly sending out negative vibes to your playmates. Since your husband is so large and so skilled, is it possible that you are sending out a tacit message, "Here I am stud; show me what ya' got!"

A man can definitely sense such an attitude. When I've felt such vibes, my desire has been to "get it over with" as soon as possible. I'm sure the women involved thought I was less skilled than they hoped. I was... at the time.

Here's hoping you find the solution to your dilemma and enjoy the lifestyle.

Mr. Alura

Food for thought, Mr. Alura, and it may be on target, in a sense.

I have been thinking about this more and more since I put up this thread. I think the problem does in fact lie with myself. I don't believe I am putting out negative vibes; I can be quite flirty and charming when I want to be.

But I do believe that the issue lay solely at my own feet for the main reason as this: I just really really really enjoy my husband better than anyone else, and I do believe that I set unfair standards that no one will ever be able to attain.

As I started thinking through this again, it dawned on me that there was, in fact, ONE time with the single male that I wasn't as fully satisfied as in prior times. Of course, generally, when we play with the single male, my husband is in full interaction of the play. They are both playing with me simultaneously. This one time that SM didn't really do it for me, my husband chose to sit off to the side and simply enjoy watching. SM finished earlier than usual, and found myself grateful for that. I think that the reason he finished so soon and the reason that I wanted him to was that we might have both been equally uncomfortable with hubby simply watching, though my reason was that I missed having him included.

The BEST swinging times I have had were in MFM threesomes with hubby and the SM. It was NOT because of the SM ... I am discovering it was because of my husband.

I do think we have also made some poor choices in the couples we have swung with thus far as well. Maybe that will improve with time. I guess it doesn't really matter ... I will continue to have the best right there at home with me, even if the others can't seem to measure up to my apparently ridiculous standards.

[Alura]

I just asked Mrs. Alura for her opinion.

She said she, too, has never had a man "do it for her" as well as I do.

She added, "It's that pesky thing called 'love'".

Mr. Alura

[Uomo]

Originally Posted by txduo2000

Mine is just primarily an issue of being BORED to tears with most of the men I have been with. Honestly, and I do not mean to sound conceited here, the men just seem to be so thrilled to be with me that it's like the focus is on their pleasure from being with me and they kind of treat me as a "conquest" of some sort ... believe me, I don't think I am THAT great, but this is the feeling I am getting. None of them have truly focused on being a great lover TO me. At least this is my impression. Which is why I am thinking most of the time, "just finish!"

I'm glad you raised the issue. It's been on my mind lately. After all of the feedback I've received of late, I started wondering: If I cannot (even remotely) measure up in bed to these women's husbands (for want of an emotional connection) why in hell would these women want to have sex with me (Mr. Second-Best-At-Best)? It would be like going from Coke to Sam's Choice Cola. Just not quite as refreshing. Sure ... we all like a little variety in our lives ... but variety to the point of yawning? Scary thought.

I kind of suspect that (with time) I will come to much the same conclusions as you. I think that might even be nice. But (like anything else), I could be wrong.

My wife feels much the same way you do. She doesn't seem all that interested in participating in anything beyond a soft swing. She'd rather watch.

Sounds like you are a very lucky woman, if you ask me.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Alura

I just asked Mrs. Alura for her opinion.

She said she, too, has never had a man "do it for her" as well as I do.

She added, "It's that pesky thing called 'love'".

Mr. Alura

I think this is the key...

And I hope this doesn't come across wrong, but I think this speaks to a fundamental flaw in your reasoning to swing...

When I got into swinging, I was looking for experiences that blew my mind - but never even expected to find a woman a good as Mrs Spoomonkey in bed. I have always accepted that fact that no matter how incredible a playmate is, they will always pale in comparison.

I can't speak for Mrs Spoo, but I will say that I am incredibly spoiled sexually. As I have posted elsewhere, we have sex an AVERAGE of ten times per week - and let me tell ya, that woman can tangle some sheets!

I think the minute she tells me, with a sad look on her face, that she can't find anyone as good as me, I am going to ask her - "why are you looking?"

That is not even remotely a motivation to swing for us.

We have had some incredible sexual experiences, with some incredibly sexual people - but we have never come close to matching the soul-weaving, bed-breaking, wall-banging, heart-pounding experiences that we have together.

I've never come close to finding a woman as good in bed as Mrs Spoomonkey... I am comfortable with her, close to her, intimate with her - and if I want to grab her by the hair, spin her around and call her "slut" while I bang away like a madman... Well, I am free to do that - I don't have to worry about crossing some unseen boundary.

So - even though I have never had sex like that with a playmate - I'll stick around. Because the sex I do have often leads to that kind of sex at the Spoomonkey Ranch... Over and over and over again

Spoomonkey

[Uomo]

From MRS. Uomo:

I completely understand you! I feel the exact same way.

I always jest about my own sexual experiences: You know that block people "get around???" ...I built it!

So sex is not the issue. I am VERY happy and terribly aroused by my young old man. Period. I love watching him fool around and have a good time, but I honestly have never been as happy or as sexually satisfied.

I seem to have found my soulmate in every way.

I don't think men should be monogamous. It is unhealthy and debilitating to the male spirit. They become "mean" in the literal sense, and old before their time. They need many women. It is a biological undoing to some, but handled correctly it works for everyone.

[WildMiCouple]

Txduo, for me, it's not about the sex being as good. Just different. And I enjoy watching Tammy enjoy herself as much, if not more than, than my own pleasure.

Although, I'm curious to know if you've had orgasms with any of your playmates other than your single male? If not, perhaps you need to be more vocal in your desires/needs to your playmates. Us guys are always open to suggestions Now if it's mainly size.......then that just requires to being more selective , but we're out here.

Brett

[Thrax]

Okay, first I want to preface this with the obvious statement that I AM a smart-ass (many would say jackass). You know that already.

Two things:
One: Step back, take a deep breath and think about this (which you obviously are already doing).
Two: Send the kids off to relatives or friends, grab your hubby's hand (or whatever part you want) and make a pilgrimage to Ohio for some pre-arranged monkey- or other business. (Okay, make some other arrangements first, but, yeah, maybe an organized trip to Ohio would be good...)

Seriously, from your posts I can tell that you are a very thoughtful woman. You have your very legitimate preferences. Also, you have found your soul and body mate. And if you didn't realize that before, you know from discussions here how lucky you are.

From your posts on this thread you are obviously seriously evaluating your position on swinging. Just to let you know that I admire your fortitude and your ability to bare your thoughts to everyone on this forum in order to try to get to the root of your difficulty here.

Bummer that I can't provide any answers, but I think your public appraisal of your situation is laudable.

Best of luck in figuring this thing out, although I suggest, since you have been considering so many other opinions, that you don't be so hard on YOURSELF, and give things another chance.

Thrax

[FloridaFlirt]

I can relate to this....sometimes I feel like I'm "taking one for the team" when it comes to swinging. There's only been a couple of men that I've actually enjoyed and want to keep seeing. The others just did nothing for me.

As much as I like swinging when it is good, I would be perfectly happy just being the two of us...

[Deptydog]

I don't post much here, but I do have a small opinion on this topic.

IMO, you shouldn't expect the other partners to rock your world like your hubby does. Just enjoy the experience for what it is...namely fun. I have had one or two fantastic experiences with the female half of couples we've played with, but none of them come close to what my wife can do for me. However, I still enjoyed those experiences for themselves.

I, personally, am not trying to compare them to my wife.

Just my 1/50th of a dollar.

[txduo2000]

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful replies.

But I do want to make one thing clear: I do not ever anticipate anyone in this lifetime "rocking my world" like my husband does. As we all know, in a deep committed relationship there are many other aspects besides physical that attribute to terrific sex.

What is making me rethink whether or not I want to continue to "hard swap" with other men is that most of the men we have come across have NOT honed their sexual abilities so that they are more skilled. In fact, the opposite is true. I am getting BAD sex with these other guys. I am not expecting phenomenal ... that can only be attained with my husband, I do realize. But I would like it to be at least GOOD, which it has not been. :rollseyes

I have had good sex with other men. As I have said previously, NO man has ever measured up to my husband in quality, but I have at least had good and pretty good sex. I just haven't been fortunate enough to find that in our swap partners.

Spoo, Thrax, Mr. Twofer, curiousagain .... should any one of you like to try to change my mind ... I would welcome the opportunity!