How to get the soft swing conversation started with my wife?

[SexhoundDog]

Can any of you out there let me in on how you got the guts to get this conversation going with your partner the first time? I'm a little nervous to bring this up with my wife. I'm thinking the first experience should involve another guy so she doesn't think I'm doing it to bed another woman. She's a touch sensitive about a few extra pounds and I'd think knowing she's still desirable to another guy would get her in the groove. All comments appreciated because I think an occasional softswing episode would enhance our sex lives tremendously and probably improve our communication. By the way, this is an awesome site, I'm glad I found it and hopefully will be contributing like an old pro at some future time!

[LIZA]

well a couple might be better if you are looking for soft-swinging. Just ask her if she is interested. It takes about 6 seconds to get the words out!!

If she says "NO WAY" then you need to drop it , nothing worse than pushing it!

[Alura]

Well, Liza, I don't know... If I were in Sexhound's boots, I wouldn't just spring it on her in a few seconds. I have the impression, because he's not at ease talking about any subject... I think he needs to work on his communication.

I'd open up the sex subject with her in bed, but I'd start by asking, "Do you like it when I wiggle my tongue like this? How about this? Which do you like better?"

First get her talking about what she likes in your own sex life and slowly venture out into more adventurous stuff.

I'm just a dumb ol' Okie, but I'd approach it really slow, and pay attention to every word she says...

Cheers,
Husband of Alura

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by LIZA:
well a couple might be better if you are looking for soft-swinging. Just ask her if she is interested. It takes about 6 seconds to get the words out!!

If she says "NO WAY" then you need to drop it , nothing worse than pushing it!

I beleive the gentleman is looking for a bit more of a creative approach. First of all just because someone says "no way" doesn't mean the door is closed. In fact the first response I got was "no way".
Of course the first time she asked me about getting a dog my response was "no way". We have a dog now though.
There is a big difference between being pushy and discussing the options of any particular subject.
Especially a subject that involves intimate relationships with other people. I think your answer was a bit hasty and narrow minded Liza.
So many people think that a females main purpose in life is to be independant and never consider anything but what they want. THeir hubby may have wants that involve sexual fantasy fulfullment also.
My suggestion would be to bring up the subject of the fact that you have been reading a message board that involves open couples that discuss various aspects of unusual sexual activity that involves couples. Expain that you found it interesting and ask her if she would like to explore it with you.
If you just come out in six seconds and say hey babe i wanna have sex with other people you may find yourself looking for a new mate.
Directness can be a very good thing but not always appropriate. John

[walrus0115]

Compliments...Compliments....Compliments...
My wife has those few extra pounds and I know that she's the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. And nothing reassures her more of that than other men trying to bed her. Most of us are in this to see our loved one experience pleasure (bed notches just don't last in the long run.)

I remember broaching the subject a few years ago by asking her if she missed all those guys in college hitting on her. The answer was a resounding "YES"!

Yes you want to play with other women. And, yes she probably wants to play with other men. It was very easy for me to throw her on a little ego trip by asking about who was after her, when she felt sexiest, why she felt sexy, and who she thought was sexy. Next thing I knew the questions were coming back at me. Talking about past sexual experiences was our biggest hurdle and now it's sometimes our favorite pastime. It doesn't matter whether it was an innocent kiss or that college orgy I can barely remember through the drunken fog. All of those experiences shaped both of our sexual psyches. And reliving those with each other was a necessary and wonderful first step towards total sexual honesty.

I've heard other men and women say that they don't want to know what their mate did before. Well, if you can't honestly talk about and enjoy those experiences with each other, it's going to be a little difficult to share your intamacy with new friends.

Just my 839 cents worth.

[LIZA]

My answer is nt narrow minded it's just to the point.

So many men come here asking how to communicate with their own wife! WE aren't married to her......... If they can't just ask their wife "honey has the thought of swinging ever crossed your mind?" then they have a pretty poor marriage.

[Alura]

Absolutely, Walrus! Well said!

Cheers,
Husband of Alura

[danc694u]

I'm going to be the fly in the ointment here.

First of all, he ask a really valid question. It's just as difficult for a loving man/woman to bring up a subject as radical as swinging. As it would be to ask, if your spouse would mind holding the wrong end of a loaded shotgun, while you clean it.

Swinging IS radical, for about 85% of the world!! And, he has no real way of knowing what her reaction will be.

His problem is two-fold. #1 He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, by making her think he is looking for someone else. And, she may take it that way!

#2 He has to explain "soft" swing to her. So she can understand what he is asking. To a layman, there is no differance between softswing or full swap.

Personally, I wouldn't bring it up during sex. I would bring it up at some other time. The bottom line is, he will have to communicate his desire. And, possibly explain his intentions in depth. If he gets a NO with no chance to explain. Then he is pretty much done with it there.

If he gets a yes. Then he can explain further, thereby allowed her to make a more educated opinion/answer.

I say, ask her flat out THEN if you get a "Let me think about it" or "Maybe" Send her here to this site to dig around, and learn more. She can get a lot of questions answered on this one site.

Your largest battle will be with a maybe. Then her flat out refusal to acknowledge you ever brought the subject up. If this happens. You'll remain part of that 85% I spoke of earlier.

This isn't a lifestyle choice that comes easy, for any of us. And we're all very aware of the problems associated with this lifestyle. And don't come back with, "We don't have any problems!" unless your entire family and the people at work know all about it

[ 01-13-2002: Message edited by: danc694u ]

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by LIZA:
My answer is nt narrow minded it's just to the point.

So many men come here asking how to communicate with their own wife! WE aren't married to her......... If they can't just ask their wife "honey has the thought of swinging ever crossed your mind?" then they have a pretty poor marriage.

Ok, narrow minded was not the proper terminology. I apologize for saying that. A good marriage could be destroyed by bringing up a subject this intense without proper forethought though. This gentleman is probably concerned that his wife could take his intentions the wrong way.
Not everyone views sexual freedom the same way due to very strong beliefs they may have ingrained from there upbringing.

[LIZA]

I understand what you're saying. I just can't fathom how so MANY men are in marriages with women that they know so little about.
It seems to me if you live with someone every day of your life you would have a pretty good idea of their feelings and belief's on a number of subjects, including sex.
Yet many come here and ask complete strangers how to talk to their wife.......It as always seemed very odd to me

[youngswingers]

We're with Liza on this one. We all agree that, in this lifestyle, communication is the most important key to happiness (success). If swinging isn't an idea that grows from both of you (ie. one person fantasy vs. a fantasy developed by both people) one person will be insecure about the it. Imagine if you wife, out of the blue, brought up her fantasy to have sex with another man and then proceeds to arrange to fulfill that fantasy. Even if you were OK with it part of you would wonder why she had this desire and how it reflects upon your relationship. That point brings us back to Liza's orginal argument: If you are not at the point where you are developing this fantasy with your partner then you are not ready to get into swinging. The very fact that you are doing research about this demonstrates that you are a caring partner, so we are sure you are capable of getting there with your S.O.!

[danc694u]

Originally posted by LIZA:
It seems to me if you live with someone every day of your life you would have a pretty good idea of their feelings and belief's on a number of subjects, including sex.

Liza,

I take it you've never read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Or have forgotten some of the self inflicted issues that men deal with, if you have read it.

Men generally try to get an idea in their head. Before they throw it out to be discussed. All the while, wondering how their spouse will react. That wondering ballons way out of proportion, as the days pass.

Of course, after a week of trying to figure all this out. It comes out sounding like a foreign language. And, nothing like we thought.

They even named a TV series after a mans thinking process. It's called: Fear Factor LMAO

Communication is the key to this lifestyle. Just don't expect everyone to be able to communicate effectively. A lot of these men have valid concerns about their spouses reactions. I know I wish I had never brought the subject up with my ex. She made it her life mission to let everyone know what a sick pervert I was afterwards (her exact words).

[LIZA]

No I wouldn't read that book (or The Rules)
Anything that implies there is some enormous difference in men and womens minds goes totally against my way of thinking, so it doesn't appeal to me.
Far as I see it, I agree with Youngswingers........If you don't know your wife well enough to talk to her about ANYTHING, then your relationship isn't strong enough to think about swinging.
And I think that if a man is lurking around swingers sites gathering info secretly, he is just going to anger his wife that he did not find out her feelings on the subject first.....

[danc694u]

Originally posted by LIZA:
Anything that implies there is some enormous difference in men and womens minds goes totally against my way of thinking

Well you should!! Read it that is. It doesn't define differances in male/female minds. It defines thought process and it's involvement with relationship issues.

BTW, my ex bought it. Then refused to read it, after I did. Especially since I thought it was a very well written book. I can't speak for the "female" issues. But, the "male" issues were very valid IMO.

With all the above aside I do agree with the communication comments. Telling someone "how" to talk to their spouse, is difficult, if not impossible.

But, I do understand their concern. What happens if the spouse reacts as my ex did? If a person could get a simple YES or NO. It would be differant. But, not everyone is going to respond that way. That's where the difficulty lies.

They're asking because they DO KNOW their spouse. And are wanting a way to ask, that won't result in a possible divorce. Just for asking.

We really can't help them at all with that problem. Passive/aggresive relationships rarely work out anyway. So swinging, even the mention of it, will result in destroying the relationship in the long run.

[Alura]

[quote]Originally posted by LIZA:

[b]If you don't know your wife well enough to talk to her about ANYTHING, then your relationship isn't strong enough to think about swinging./B]

LIZA,I think you're exactly right about this, but that doesn't mean that a man should resign himself to never building their communication up to the point that he COULD talk to his wife about anything with no fear at all of her reaction.

Some of us who have made suggestions have done so with hopes that he and his wife can learn to improve the strength (communication is strength) of his marriage. That's what this thread is all about, in my opinion.

I'll second the motion on your reading, "Men are from Mars..." It's true we're equal, but we're also different. Besides, the book is fun!

Husband of Alura